so, this’ll probably be my last post here for a long time. i’ve been a pretty crap person as you all know. i remind myself of bojack horseman, really. it’s all me. i’m too unstable to have friends, and no one needs to be around someone like me who can’t manage to get help. even after all these months, I’ve barely spoken to anyone. i actually got additional PTSD from this fandom, and it makes it almost impossible to live without constantly hearing people talk (from youtube videos) because otherwise, my thoughts devour me. can’t shower, go for a walk, make food, anything because i can’t stand silence anymore. i ruined myself, and that’s what i get. i won’t apologize to anyone anymore since i just got ignored until people vagueposted about me instead of telling me to fuck off like i asked, and i don’t want to be ganged up on again either when i’m just one person. i can’t help but envy everyone with a friend group and people they actively talk to. i’m just alone, and probably always will be due to my inability to change. i’ve always had a chronic fear of people hating me, and my fear came true, and now i’m a broken person. man, i’m a baby. my previous suicide attempts failed, but i’d rather be dead than constantly have my thoughts making me break down. i’ll probably try again eventually. i can only deal with my increased ptsd for so long. but, i brought this shit upon my self by being a mentally unstable fuckbag. i hope the people i hurt can live a lot happier without me in their lives.  i miss having friends, but i can’t handle them anyways.

     She peeks her head out.

to the grave i go

i don’t see a reason to push on in life. my abuse is neverending, and i’m too tired to stop mom. she even molests me when i sleep, and i wake up to it often. again, too sick of life to bother to make a change. getting blackmailed by other family members, my self hate devouring me whole, has really destroyed a lot of me. being on tumblr gives me the constant paranoia everyone hates me, no matter which fandom, and yet it’s my only way to talk to others. this fandom especially makes me want to off myself immediately due to all the bad memories and how a lot of people despise me, so i assume everyone else despises me. but, this is the only blog where people actually talk to me, so it’s the only place to go when i want to post a life update. as much as i want to make friends in the fandom again, i fear talking too much lest i fuck up over and over again and make others miserable like i used to, or that everyone preemptively hates me already. i haven’t talked to anyone in days. the loneliness just keeps eating away at me. i don’t have any friends anymore, and it’s my own fault for being a dick or being too depressing to be around. no one to laugh with. no one to show art. no one to share interests with. i don’t have a single person in my life anymore. if i could unfuck my life, i would, but i’ve ruined everything as it is and mom destroys any chance of me recovering. in addition, my ptsd has gotten worse and has gotten new additions in light of the incidents in the fandom you’ve all seen. petty shit compared to what war vets see, but i think about it all every single minute i’m unoccupied. without a distraction, i think of how scummy i am and the trauma of abuse and rape and i can’t eat because anxiety has bad effects on my body, and i get urges to puke and cry and at times i get asthma attacks. i have to have a video on, music, or something, just to keep my thoughts occupied so i don’t get the side effects of thinking about shit and end up unable to eat or drink or function properly at all. suicide is always so tempting to me. it would end the molestation, abuse, the constant reminders i’m a dick, just like that, but my last attempt failed horribly and i’m too big of a coward to try again. but, as usual, i’ll drink my coffee, my soda, and hope my heart fails and i can die without too much trouble. once my situation keeps getting worse, maybe i’ll dehydrate to death. seriously, i deserve i the fucking misery life gives me, karma and all, but i at least want to write out something before the isolation drives my schizophrenia into overdrive and i start hallucinating. tl;dr i suck and deserve ptsd and abuse+molestation to kick my ass because i’m a slug of a human with no friends and a ton of enemies i never wanted to make

my life is kinda death spiraling and i dunno when i’ll fully be back if ever, my life has slipped into a routine of getting slapped around by mom and getting more isolated to the point i haven’t spoken to anyone else in days and hardly so in weeks, even the past month. i feel pretty defeated and have no ambition to live, and whenever i drink coffee i silently hope my heart fails due to my hypersensitivity to it. apologies to those that liked my writing and stuff. i’m sure i deserve this drawn-out shitty descent.

christ i feel sick, mom’s flinging more murder threats at me gonna take a few days break and hopefully i’ll be back if you wanna keep in touch my skype is companyroom and aside from that i’m gone for now

     She hugs the cats to her chest, sighing softly and tiredly. She really felt like passing out now...

apologies for not being on yesterday, got hit by anxiety and panicked. hopefully i’ll be here today.

Reblog with a silly fact about your muse!

[Whether it be an event or something a friend said. Anything goes!]

    The tiniest yawn.

     Seeing as they returned the gesture, she gave a soft squeak in response, and now simply rested against them contentedly. She felt as if she were undeserving of such affection─ a sad little thing like her probably could never amount to anything, but for some reason, they seemed to love her anyways...           ‘ . . . Thank you. ’      For what? She had plenty of reasons that had appeared, just at the very moment...

-

                             † 「 That’s what people do who love you. They put their arms around you and love you when you’re not so lovable. 」† — Deb Caletti

                                                   ✞✞ █ ▌➥ BLESSED UPON THOSE WHO FIND HARMONY IN THEIR LIVES. FOR WHOSE ARE STILL REACHING INTERNAL PEACE. AND PAY RESPECTS FOR THOSE HAD BEFALLEN. – –– They feel how an pair of noddles around the free space on their pale skinned neck .&&. their hair stand still for an split second, as if they were recovering from an electrocution. His body still moved like an machine yet their mind swayed as an raging storm.

                                                           THEIR LITTLE HEIR DECIDED TO SHOW AFFECTION FOR THE FIRST TIME IN AGES. EVEN WHEN THEY APPEARED FROM DIFFERENT WORLDS, SHE TAKE AN STEP TOWARDS. – –– Warmth exploded into their chest .&&. made them feel like an billion of butterflies inside their stomach. However, they still keep an regal composure .&&. returned the nuzzle with their nose against her hair.

     She yawns quietly and softly nuzzles them, feeling immensely drowsy now─ but, she wanted to savor the moment, and turned her head up to watch them as they walked to wherever they wanted to go. What was there to be afraid of? Their face was certainly scary, but... they were surprisingly kind to her. Even after she ran or hid, they were still so gentle...      Slowly, her arms wrap themselves as far around her parent as they could. It wasn’t much, because she was so small, but she tried. Guilt began to creep into her mind, expression wavering with a newfound emotion. As long as she stopped being scared, everything would be okay! She could fix what she did wrong, and that brought the light back to her eyes.

-

                              「 You’ve a good heart. Sometimes that’s enough to see you safe wherever you go. But mostly, it’s not. 」— Neil Gaiman ( Neverwhere )

                                              ✞✞ █ ▌➥ FOR NOW, THE GOD COULD TAKE AN BREAK FROM THEIR ROLE ONCE IN AN WHILE. IN THIS MOMENT, THEY WILL CONCENTRATE IN BRING SECURITY TO THEIR DAUGHTER. – –– Her albino mane seems to make their nose ticklish .&&. but they didn’t make an comment about. After making sure she was wishing the realm of tender sleeping .&&. an refusing to no make any useless noise that could practically scare her.

                                              THEIR CAPE SEEMS TO FLUTTER AGAINST AN UNSEEN BREEZE FROM THE OPENED WINDOWS YET FAR AWAY FROM THEIR CURRENT POSITION. – –– Following their sense of direction, they decided to take the day off, away from those time consuming tasks .&&. chores from those long tower paperworks. Alela .&&. Wodahs would have to handle the simple producers, besides these two blockhead can survive without their deity.

     She stares into the mirror, eyes narrowed and full of bitterness at her own visage. There was something inherently wrong about her, but she couldn’t tell exactly what it was. Perhaps it was because she knew that hybrids were the worst form of sin, after reading book upon book on how the holy and unholy slaughtered one another. Perhaps it was because of how nonfunctional she was compared to everyone else─ she never did anything, she just sat there or moped around a castle all day. Or... maybe it was just because her nightmares constantly reaffirmed how unneeded she was every time she blacked out.      She didn’t know the answer, but despised herself nonetheless.

so here’s liliya’s rapier lady, have fun with the sprite

❤ + ( On her forehead. )

     At first, she tensed up when their face got right up in hers, almost expecting a scolding or some other irrational thing to happen. But, no─ she was pleasantly surprised by a simple, brief kiss on her forehead, with a smile she couldn’t control automatically popping up on her usually blank features. It’d only be good if she repaid them for it, right? So, while they were still close, she leaned up to kiss them in the exact same spot, giggling.

send one for my muse’s reaction to your muse ---

veilled:

alternatively send ‘ + ‘ after the symbol for the roles to be reversed where possible !

✘ = hugging them . Δ = playing with their hair .  ❤ = kissing them .  ₪ = asking them out for dinner . ☀ = giving them a gift of ___ ( asker’s choice ) . ♘ = stabbing them . ♕ = bowing down before them . ♒ = lying to them .   ✿ = buying them flowers . ☾ = being found shirtless . ♢ = reading them a story . ☂ = giving them their jumper to keep warm . ✎ = speaking in a different language . ✏ = teaching them a different language . ▄ = telling them a joke . ♬ = singing to them . ☹ = insulting a loved one . ஐ = slapping them . ✂ = threatening them . ❃ = dancing with them . ▤ = falling asleep on them . ☮ = waking them up after a nightmare .  ♣ = discovering them crying .  回 = patching a wound .  ✮ = stargazing . ▓ = caught stealing their belongings . ☽ = wandering alone at night . ♡ = complimenting them . ≡ = offering a place to stay overnight . ☢ = falling over . ✦ = being well-dressed . ❂ = wiping blood off their face . ◎ = taking care of them while ill . ☁ = being caught in the middle a storm with them . ⇕ = holding their hand . ↱ = being lost with them . ☠ = pushing them against a wall .

NIGHTMARES.

Silhouette experiences nothing but nightmares when she sleeps. Even the less disturbing ones are bizarre and terrifying. People she can’t name oftentimes crop up in her mind and talk of things she can’t understand, next to all the other dreams where she’s killed or those around her die. She’s always tired, from either lack of sleep or too much sleep (once she passes out) which tends to lead to her hallucinating or just spacing out for minutes at a time. Sleep only comes to her two or three times a week, with the rest of her days spent slogging through and just trying to stay awake. If she wasn’t a god-devil hybrid, she’d likely be dead of exhaustion or heart failure.