Your choices make your life better or worse.

You left home for him. You left your life behind. You are so clingy and lost in the newness of it all. You want him and his whole life to be yours. You are scared and kind of lonely. You don't know how to move ahead without your loved ones who you left behind. Yet you work hard to move ahead. You try to be a part of his life and want him to be a part of yours. He tries and so do you. His friends and you never got together and then you are secluded from them and him. Now the feeling and fear of loneliness arrives and a lioness became a fearful human. You tried harder only to become lonely. You start to live for those tiny little moments of happiness. You cry and sleep on the floor while getting your phone call ignored in the dark at 2 in the night. You need help and you ask for it and get reminded of the lioness which you were but aren't anymore. You don't know what to do. So you pretend. Smile and pretend. You are happy and then you are crying 2 minutes later unknowingly how to handle anything and most importantly yourself. You get angry and fight and shout. You resist people only because you want them more. And then they leave. Just like you asked them to. You travel hours to meet him and he leave 5 minutes after collecting his things and you are lost again in the subway. Finally wanting to jump off the train and end it all. You go to the beach and want to die again. You are flushed off. And then one phone call and you are back with him again. All the actions are forgotten when you get just a percent of love and laughter. You just sit and think everything with be fine, again. Your grandfather died and nobody cares. Not him and not his friends who you wanted to be friends with and then its holi again and you want to go back home. You are alone in your room wondering and crying how all of it can be undone and unsaid. You wanted to be a part of them so hard that you lost yourself midway and don't even remember when you drifted off from yourself. You wonder and then you try to move on. Its been years. Years of feeling lonely and secluded and you are still there waiting. To get included and to feel like a part of his life For that one phone call and you hear that laughter get a percent of the love you deserve and never let go.

Being alone is tough.

It's tough to celebrate your Birthday, festivals throughout the year, weekends, the evening after you leave work, when depression thrives and anxiety arrives and when you lose your grandfather. It's hard to be alone. You are lonely yet that breeze, books, food and sea shore filled your heart with love and light. You learn how to cook, clean, work, study and manage all of your own. You miss your friends and your home. It was tough to be alone.

Then one day you wake up with a smile and not with the numb feeling you go to sleep with. When you finally don't need people to pretend to be yours. When you finally appreciate the small gestures and care and love and warm hugs. You know being alone is tough and you're are tougher. So being lonely is not that bitter.

Happiness is a state of mind.