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#alone in my thoughts
euesworld · 2 years
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"Soft thoughts of you flutter on the backs of butterflies, and I can't deny that I would rather be looking into your eyes than being here; alone in my room.."
I would love to be anywhere you are - eUë
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reerii · 2 years
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You left home for him. You left your life behind. You are so clingy and lost in the newness of it all. You want him and his whole life to be yours. You are scared and kind of lonely. You don't know how to move ahead without your loved ones who you left behind. Yet you work hard to move ahead. You try to be a part of his life and want him to be a part of yours. He tries and so do you. His friends and you never got together and then you are secluded from them and him. Now the feeling and fear of loneliness arrives and a lioness became a fearful human. You tried harder only to become lonely. You start to live for those tiny little moments of happiness. You cry and sleep on the floor while getting your phone call ignored in the dark at 2 in the night. You need help and you ask for it and get reminded of the lioness which you were but aren't anymore. You don't know what to do. So you pretend. Smile and pretend. You are happy and then you are crying 2 minutes later unknowingly how to handle anything and most importantly yourself. You get angry and fight and shout. You resist people only because you want them more. And then they leave. Just like you asked them to. You travel hours to meet him and he leave 5 minutes after collecting his things and you are lost again in the subway. Finally wanting to jump off the train and end it all. You go to the beach and want to die again. You are flushed off. And then one phone call and you are back with him again. All the actions are forgotten when you get just a percent of love and laughter. You just sit and think everything with be fine, again. Your grandfather died and nobody cares. Not him and not his friends who you wanted to be friends with and then its holi again and you want to go back home. You are alone in your room wondering and crying how all of it can be undone and unsaid. You wanted to be a part of them so hard that you lost yourself midway and don't even remember when you drifted off from yourself. You wonder and then you try to move on. Its been years. Years of feeling lonely and secluded and you are still there waiting. To get included and to feel like a part of his life For that one phone call and you hear that laughter get a percent of the love you deserve and never let go.
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makasdisaster · 2 years
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i’m getting bored of my life, all i do is the same things everyday…
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goldenpoet1 · 2 years
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Dear death
Removed a heart from “I've believed in this world, but it turns its back like God to the ones damned to hell. I couldn't bare the pain that's holding me down, like weights Shackled to my ankles in the sea of dispare. I feel lost finding nothing but agonizing ripping of the soul and heart. The noose becomes tight around my neck in the woods of the gallows. Is this what the end feels like. I wither away leaving love behind like in addiction. Nevermore forevermore the path is set with a signature of death. The blood soaks and kisses the dotted lines. He smiles as the chair roles for miles. In purgatory I hope my happiness will last. Ending it with love ones behind the Gollows of happiness I finally smile.”
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23rd Feb 24
Onlyfans.. why?
Do I crave the attention from men?
No.
Do I genuinely care they get off to my body?
No.
Do I like being what's perceived as slutty on the Internet?
No.
Do I like the thought of my future boyfriend seeing me as having no class, cheap?
No.
It's a mask. I'm wearing a mask well. Am I honest in my answers of course. Does my personality change around every man I speak to though? Of course.
Do they think I'm nothing but an overly sexualised piece of meat?
Yes.
Do they care about who I am as a person?
No.
The I love you, the universal three words, always being thrown at me by people who only see my worth through my looks and not me as a person. Only valued by how hard I can make someone's dick.
Then there are the obsessive men, who build me up to be their perfect fantasy. They think they are in love with me, they are consumed with thoughts of me. Some figment of their imagination, because it isn't me they crave, just the fucked up, unflawed version of myself they have created from my photos and my personality perfectly curated to their desires, via my personal messages.
Do I care? I stopped caring a long time ago. The lover girl in me has died after all the physical and mental abuse men have put me through. She is in there somewhere though.. the hopeless romantic. She makes an appearance from time to time, usually past midnight or when watching comforting old rom-coms and wishing, god. What must it feel like to be loved?
I wouldn't know, I've never had it. I've never had anyone love me in the capacity that I have loved them, truly not at all.
Do I want to provide a better future for myself and family and this will allow me a large chunk of money that I otherwise I wouldn't have?
In a way I can work it around my day to day life? Hopefully start a proper business on the side.
Is there other options?
Not really, the condition I have doesn't allow me have good consecutive days, I can't hold down a 9-5 no one will employ me because I have been out of work for so long.
Do I feel like my true self is becoming a dim light some days, but have to remind myself that this will allow me security financially and hopefully a purchased house for my family.
So many men think I'm naive, so sweet and innocent. Big eyes, face that looks younger than I am. Don't get me wrong, I am kind hearted, I genuinely care about people and the decent men who speak to me I appreciate them, but one thing I'm most definitely not is naive or stupid.
Even male friends especially one in particular thinks he can manipulate me, like I don't realise that he wouldn't be my friend if he didn't think he would inevitably get to fuck me.
But really I'm lonely these days, I crave a connection. He's sweet and if he could genuinely like me as a friend and not a sexual object it would make me so happy, as truly deep down I know he has a very kind soul, I guess that's what keeps me coming back to being his friend. He is a genuine person and I care about him. But maybe that's just me trying to see the best in people.
Do I use the attraction from my looks and personality from men to my advantage? Yes. Why? Because men are only interested when it comes to the sexual side of the Internet if your submissive. They feel threatened when they are challenged on their thoughts and you don't prelude everything with a innocent emoji face.
'I'm just a sweet, brainless bimbo, please, use me.. all I'm good for is being stuffed' 🥺
Like Paris Hilton said.. I'm not a dumb blonde. I'm just great at acting like one.
Here too am I, portraying a person I don't even recognise anymore as I see my half naked body on the Internet. Wondering how far I'm willing to go down the rabbit hole of sex work.
I see myself smiling seductively, whilst inside I'm empty and hollow at what I'm having to resort to, to get out of the absolute car crash mess which is my life, then start my side business and ultimately make something of myself, so I can provide a better future for myself and my family.
I feel lost.
Sinking internally.
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antydoom0220 · 2 months
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Vibing to my repeats 💚💚💚
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hajimedics · 18 days
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I'M NOT YOUR DOLL AND I'LL THINK FOR MYSELF AND I'LL LIVE FOR MYSELF
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theoldkyokodied · 1 year
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One wedding and three funerals
Background paintings under the cut
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#tomgreg#succession#tom wambsgans#greg hirsch#shiv roy#roman roy#kendall roy#yeah no im not tagging everyone thats too much#this is me going 'how much implications themes and symbolism can i fit in one painting'#yes i gave rose shivs haircolor. if we ever find out how she looks like and its not like this im just gonna pass away i guess#but yeah i hope yall connect the dots#i put waaay too much thought and work into this. i was googling pictures of all the actors as kids just for reference (sigh)#honestly kinda wanted to make tom and greg link pinkies as like. a pinkie promise. but that was too hard to draw in this angle#at least not without obstructing the view of the ring which is important to see so ya#my fave is actually the tomshiv wedding pic i went off with that. i love them... they should have run away to become sheep farmers fr fr#anyway im so glad im done with this UGH!! finally i can draw smth else without being like oh noooo i need to finish this#i see a lot of you wondering why there is no portrait of logan but one of ewan#it's bc the placement of the painting represent their standing. logans portray would not hang next to the stairs#his present portrait hangs at the end of it. all the way up at the top. alone and withering away#basically the picture you see underneath ewan to the right? its where toms parents would be. the right side of the wall is tom and gregs#and the left one is the roy siblings theirs. since they grew up rich rich. and tom and greg didn't#but ya thats why ewan hangs here and logan does not :)
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vixensofdeath · 4 months
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I destroy myself to make me feel better but in the end I always feel worse.
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rainywhispersblog · 8 months
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inwardlyokay · 5 months
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xo-psych0tic · 6 months
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“i’m fine”
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shuaaflower · 6 months
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I‘m a burden for everyone. I’m even a burden to myself.
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makasdisaster · 1 year
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i could sit here and complement my SO all day saying the most romantic and sweet things ever (i know coming from me, shocker) but the one time i call myself ugly they say nothing, not a single word. to me and to a lot of people that just makes us think “oh their silence just confirms they think so too” and it really brakes ur confidence more and self-esteem completely because here you are completely vulnerable being 100% honest and they can’t even say anything… that fucking hurts man all i want is for the person i care for most in this world to call me pretty, i never feel pretty i’ve never been called pretty i don’t even know how to present myself, male - female i just feel like trash used and discarded 
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n-n-just-nobody · 7 months
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No me di cuenta de lo sola que estaba hasta que me quedé despierta una noche pensando en cosas que no debería y no le podía decir a nadie porque no tenía a nadie a quien hablarle.
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monstermonger · 8 months
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A Night Sky in the Woods
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