rays-of-fire-and-ice - Tumblr blog

rays-of-fire-and-ice · 2 days

Text

To Watch Over You

Rating: K+/General with mild themes

Setting: mostly between the end of the Invasion arc and the beginning of the Arrancar arc.

Synopsis: Momo recalls when she woke up after Aizen’s betrayal, and the guilt that it entailed.

AN: a random drabble I wrote while in the middle of writing the winner of my latest poll. I realised after writing this I’d like to write more about Momo after Aizen left the Soul Society and she recovered in Fourth Division.

It’s a scenario I don’t think is likely to have occurred, but I still wanted to explore it.

Anyhow, hope you enjoy it!

__________________________________

It’s a small memory, one that Momo doesn’t care to recall often.

The first thing she remembers is the smell, a combination of medicinal and sterile scents. Before even blinked her eyes open, she knew it was Fourth Division.

It was dark, with only a faint ceiling light and the moonlight peaking through the curtained windows illuminating the room. She got lost watching the faint shadows of tree branches dancing across the ceiling, forgetting for a moment she’d just woken up with no memory of what had happened just before.

Slowly, her other senses came back to her. Her mouth was dry and tasted bitter. Her skin was also dry, and she a sheet coming up to her shoulders and a firm pillow beneath her head. Her toes were cold, but her fingers were warm. Her left arm rested over the sheet, and her peripheral, there was an IV bag and the tube leading to somewhere underneath her sleeve. A drowsy fatigue lingers, making her eyelids head, whispering for her to close them and return to the darkness.

What kept her from doing so was the pain coming from her abdomen. It simmered beneath whatever the officers had administered her with to dull it. She didn’t move a muscle, afraid to flare it up.

When she parts her lips to call out for someone, she can’t find her voice. How long had she been here for?

She concentrated on the ceiling, but her head was fuzzy. Her mind swirled around, making coherent thought impossible. Memories wanted to rush forward, but she pushed them back down with what little strength she had. It didn’t stop her from remembering the source of the pain, and without realising, she’d lifted her hand beneath the covers and put it over her abdomen.

She bit hard on the inside of her lip as her eyes stung and clouded with tears. She couldn’t block out the image of Aizen’s smile. It had been warm and gentle, but it morphed into something cruel and victorious. Then, it vanished, and she’d fallen to the floor. She’d barely felt the pain could only stare ahead as darkness crept in.

She shook her head, trying not to sob. He couldn't have done it, she must be misremembering. And if he had, it surely wasn't of his own volition.

She should get someone. She opened her mouth again to try and call out, but when she turned her head to the right, she was rendered speechless.

Toshiro sat in the chair beside her bed, his arms loosely folded and his head craned to the right, almost resting on his shoulder. His eyes were shut, and to Momo’s muddled bafflement, he was asleep.

The sight of him is enough to make the memories fall back. The beginnings of a smile twitched on her lips, temporarily forgetting where she is and the other painful memories that threatened to surface.

How can anyone sleep like that? she wondered. It’s going to hurt if he stays like that.

She gingerly began to sit up. She cringed at the stiffness of her arms, but still used them to push herself up. She kept her legs still, even as the abdomen pain flared up. She struggled for a moment,and her skin almost broke out in a sweat when the threatened pain became too much.

It was as though she stood on edge of a cliff, with another cliff in front of her she needed to jump to. For a moment she got lost on that idea, imagining the scenario playing out her head. She frowned when a almost a whole minute had passed and she hadn’t done anything else. My head’s a mess.

With a grunt, she forced herself the rest of the way up -- she did this while absently imagining herself jumping to and landing on that other cliff. She caught herself from doubling over, hands flying ahead of her to land on either side of her sheet covered legs. Her hair, tied in a side pony tail, fell over her left shoulder.

The fatigue was stronger, coming crushing over her in a wave. She tried to shake it off, gritting her teeth as she forced herself to lean back until her back was against the pillow and headboard.

She returned her attention to Toshiro. He hadn’t stirred. She isn’t surprised; he’d been able to sleep through loud booms of thunder whenever she slept over at his house when they were children.

He’d been close, his elbow only centimeters from the edge of the bed. She reached across, planning to shake his shoulder. Her hand stilled before she could touch him, her pinkie and ring fingers only a hair’s breadth away from his haori.

Something in her caused her to hesitate. She watched her childhood friend sleep. The light illuminated the side of the face she could see, showing her faint bags under his eye. Why wasn’t he sleeping?

Several heartbeats later, the image of Toshiro staring at her in shock hit her. Her eyes stung anew and she snatched her hand to cover her mouth. Her chest clenched, almost as painful as the abdomen. Tears flowed down over her fingers.

What have I done?

She’d raised her sword against him, had betrayed his trust, and thought him a murderer despite her reservations. She’d been conflicted when she’d confronted him, so determined to believe in Captain Aizen’s final wish but doubting – knowing completely – that Toshiro wouldn’t be capable of such a heinous crime.

She must apologize to him and explain what was going through her mind. She tried to think of where to start. Any ideas or words she began to conjure up were tumbled away by the disorientation in her head and the memories making her chest hurt. The overwhelm her, images flashing of what happened, until she can't take it and buries her head in her hands, almost screaming for them to stop.

The movement of her arm caused the pole the IV was attached to to clatter behind her. With a gasp, she peaked through her fingers at Toshiro. He stirred, falling further to the right, and his elbow shifted into his lap, out of reach. He did not wake.

Slowly, as if her hands were keeping the memories at bay and removing them would cause them to flood her mind, she drew her fingers away. She focused on her breath, trying to catch it.

She was scared to speak with him, but she also needed to. She wanted to seek forgiveness, but he may not give it to her. It’s within his right not to, and that hurts her…and yet some part of hoped, or perhaps even knew, he might.

It wasn’t enough to make her reach out for him again.

“I’m not ready.” she whispered to herself, a tremor running through her raspy voice. “I’m sorry, Shiro-chan...but I'm not ready.”

Despite the pain in her chest abdomen, the fatigue came rushing back like a wave rapidly flowing in during a high tide. It was stronger this time, enough to convince her to let it ebb her away back to the darkness. Her movements became slow and sloppy when she wiped away her tears and eased herself back down. She tried to lie as she had before, her left arm over the covered, her legs straight, and her head turned to the ceiling.

She couldn't turn her head back to the ceiling, however. She continued to stare at her childhood friend. He's at peace now, and she'd almost disturbed it. But really, hadn't she done so already?

I'll talk to him tomorrow, she thought absently, I'll know to say by then.

The last thing she saw before shutting her eyes was Toshiro, still asleep.

She’s brought out of her reverie when the Captain-Commander gives her the cue to come forward. She finds the strength against the nerves to walk forward, coming past Yamamoto and Chojiro, but only staring at the gigantic screen before them.

Momo's heart palpitates as she watches Toshiro expression change from confusion to shock. He murmurs something she doesn’t hear. As she approaches, more memories come flooding back. They make her raise her hand to chest, as if to ease the squeeze they cause to her heart.

He says her name, and she can only say his back in return.

They stare at each other for what feels like an hour, before Toshiro’s expression calms and he speaks again, asking if she should be up.

While answering back, she thinks on those memories, ones that she is going to seek forgiveness for, including for that night in the Fourth Division. While it paled in comparison to the other transgressions she’d committed against him, she feels a strange guilt about what happened that night. She'd woken up the next day, this time during the day and alone. The day after she’d awakened, Toshiro had left for the World of the Living. When she’d received news of this from Isane, it occurred to her she hadn’t thought about why he was at her bedside.

Had she expected him to be there for her when she spoke up or when her recovery was announced? Isane had said he'd visited her almost twice a week ever since she's been transported to the Fourth Division. But why, after everything that had happened between them, had he come to visit her at all?

She could’ve spoken to him that night, but she hadn’t. She feels as though she had tricked him, and the disorientation of her mind was no excuse, no matter what Isane told her after she confessed what happened to her fellow lieutenant. Or maybe he already knows, had seen the way her head was turned was different from when he'd fallen asleep. Would it be easier if he knew?

A part of her had tried to reason over the last week that if she’d spoken to him that night she might have made things worse, or said something she hadn’t meant. And would he have wanted to speak to her? In the days after leaving the Fourth Division, she vaguely recalled voices sounding through the darkness. She couldn’t make out what they said, but she knew who they belonged to. Renji, Izuru, Isane, Unohana, Rangiku, and some of her subordinates. Toshiro’s hadn’t been among them.

In the present, a silence has fallen between them as she stares at the floorboards, lost in these thoughts. She tries to both decide where to begin and muster up the courage to speak. First, she’ll discuss the worst of her wrongdoings against him, then the night she woke up. He may not view it was something to feel guilt over, and she may seek forgiveness if only to ease her conscience. She would've laughed to herself if she felt it appropriate; she wishes she were older.

With her plan in mind, she says the words she’d wanted to say to him that night. “Hitsugaya-kun…forgive me.”

#hitsuhina #momo hinamori #toshiro hitsugaya #bleach #fanfiction #angst

9 notes · View notes

rays-of-fire-and-ice · 3 days

Text

Previews!

I'm 3/4 of the way through my latest fic, winner of this poll. I'm happy with how it's turning out so far, but I'm also keen to see what you all think and I wanted to share some previews. I hope you like them!

Momo falls to her knees and winces at the pain that radiates up her legs. She manages to crawl under the shelter. Looking around her not recognising anything in her environment, she decides this is far enough.

There’s water running next to her. A brook turned into a stream from the rain. She watches it, half wishing she could drift as it does. Far, far away. For a moment she closes her eyes and raises her head, feeling the rivulets of rain running down her face. She imagines being a part of the stream, letting it take her thoughts, sweeping them down to a bigger body of water, where they can be lost and vanish forever.

But the image is shattered by a single thought.

What am I doing here?

Her eyes flutter open, and her head slowly bows. She doesn’t know the answer, until she remembers how she’d been before. That feverish need to run away, to be away for a while.

It had been a silly thing, really. Because now all she can do is sit and think about everything that has happened.

_____________________________

“Captain Hitsugaya! Lieutenant Matsumoto!”

Toshiro and Rangiku stop. Both of their eyes had widened at the distressed call. They both turn, and find Genji sprinting towards them.

“Isawa,” Toshiro murmurs. Then, louder. “What’s wrong?”

The Fifth’s Division Third Seat comes to a jarring stop in front of them, doubled over and panting. “C-Captain Hitsugaya! L-Lieutenant…” He can’t continue, so out of breath.

Rangiku rests a hand on his hunched shoulder. “Take your time,” she says, measured. “Just breathe.”

He doesn’t take her advice, throwing his face up to meeting Toshiro’s gaze. The paleness of the Third Seat’s face alarms Toshiro enough for his eyes to widen further. There can only eb one reason Genji looks like this.

“What’s happened to Hinamori?” he asks.

Rangiku gives a surprised grunt as Genji abruptly rises. “She’s gone, Captain! She’s not in the Fifth Division barracks!”

For a moment, all sound ceases. Gone is the pattering of rain, and Genji’s panting, and Rangiku’s alarmed questioning to Genji. The world around him briefly shifts. Was it happening again? Why is she gone?

________________________

Rangiku follows behind. “Is that wise, sir?”

“Likely not,” he says, but doesn't look away from the zanpakuto.

He kneels down in front of Tobiume. This fury, burning so bright he can almost feel the tips of his fingers dry, did Momo feel it right now as well?

Over his shoulder, Hyrouinamu’s hilt gleams in the dull light. His weapon's cold permeates Toshiro’s back, and a small curl of it slides down to floor and swirls out near Tobiume. She doesn’t react, continuing her furious, invisible lashings around the room.

“We’re searching for her," Toshiro says. “I don’t know where she’s gone. You may know, but you can’t tell me.”

There’s a flicker, a pause in the fury.

“We’re not going to stop until she’s found. We’re going to return her to you, to her room.”

To his surprise, Tobiume flares. He leans back in the wake of the wave of arid heat that hits him. Hyourinmaru’s hackles have been raised, but he doesn’t otherwise react. Had he made her more angry?

__________________________________

When he looks to the clouds, an idea crosses his mind. It makes him wince and his brows furrow deeper. It’d an interference with the natural way of the world, and would be an abuse of his powers in his mind. He shouldn’t, had nearly sworn to himself he would never use his powers in such ways beyond combat.

Sensing Momo scoot up behind him, watching him curiously, sodden from head to toe, he feels the scale tip in favour of the idea even more.

He reasons that it will make the journey back easier, and that this would be the only time he does this.

#self reblog #hitsuhina #I've reached the editing stage #hope to have this out sooner rather than later!

14 notes · View notes