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Word vomit about what's happening in my brain right now.
To be honest, this has probably been one of the most emotionally taxing years of my life. Despite my tendency towards the dramatic, I don't mean that as hyperbole. The majority of it surrounds one specific thing and I've oscillated through so many feelings about it that I've never had a chance to really conclusively interpret and define how I feel about it. So, as any good millennial, how better to definitively understand my inner thoughts than to write about it publicly where strangers can read and follow along with me. All two that may actually stumble across this.
I lost my best friend of, 20ish years. Granted, I made the decision to let go of the last few strings holding us together, but it had been fading for almost a year and a half, and it feels like a full loss. I just finally decided to stop trying to force something that probably shouldn't be forced. I let go and stopped reaching out, knowing that if I didn't, they weren't going to and that would be the end of things. I knew that was how it was going to play out. It still hurt like a bitch.
I'm not going to lie, afterwards I had to parse through a lot of negativity about it. I was hurt that things were going to play out the way I knew there were. I was angry because I felt like after so many years of history, I deserved better. I was heartbroken that something and someone that had meant so much to me for so much of my life wasn't going to be there anymore. I legit cried myself to sleep about it for three nights in a row. But it had to happen.
I'm still not 100% sure what went wrong. I'm probably never going to, which drives my need for closure in all things crazy. I don't know if after years of putting up with my "extra," it was finally too much. I don't know if the differences in what we want in life caused too much of a rift. I don't know if it was that they found new and more exciting friends. The petty part of me blames it on that. The part that is hurt and wants vindication, whether or not it's justified. The new friends.
The new friends that I thought were mutual friends until I realized that I was never invited to join them when they'd spend time together, and all of a sudden there were dozens of inside jokes thrown around that left me confused as hell, and stories being reminisced about that I had no context for. And I felt like a stranger in the life of someone I'd known since we were children. It hurt. I know no one would believe me if I said that I wasn't jealous, but I really never have been. I'm genuinely happy they have people that seem to really care about them and that they enjoy spending time with. But I was/am devastated that I wasn't one of those people anymore.
Unfortunately, conflict resolution was never a strong point in our friendship. I like getting things out, grievances aired, and closure one way or another. They have never been able to handle conflict of any kind and usually just ignored something was wrong until it went away. For 20ish years it worked for us. Things pent up, we'd get frustrated, we'd spend some time apart, we'd forget or forgive and then everything would be good again. It worked, but it wasn't healthy.
Some history.
Two years ago, we had a different group of mutual friends. And, just as with the eventual second group, I began to feel cut out. At the time, we literally lived together and they would come home after being out with the group and when I'd mention that I was bummed I didn't get to join them, they'd say things like, "oh, I thought I mentioned it to you" or "oh, I didn't think you'd be interested/free." Eventually it happened so often and it had been so long since I'd seen the rest of the group that I genuinely believed it was because the others didn't like me or didn't want me around. I brought it up to my friend and they assured me that wasn't the case, but they didn't have time to talk about it with me, and assured me that they'd make an effort to include me more. But they didn't and it still happened. Quite a few more times. And I took it as confirmation that *I* was, in fact, the the problem and my friend was trying to spare my feelings.
So I dropped it.
Until it started happening again with a new group of friends.
At first I tried to justify it to myself that, because this was a group of friends who met through work, and because I had recently transferred out of the department where we all met, that it was just because I wasn't around as much. My new position kept me way busier than before and I wasn't around when plans were being made. But I did come around. At least twice a week after my shift ended I would head over to their area to chat and spend time with them. I frequently tried to set up plans, but there was always something already happening that I wouldn't be interested in (watching scary movies, going out to a bar, etc. Things that were very well known to be outside of my comfort zone) or they didn't feel up to being social when I was free.
In the seven months since we had stopped living together (they'd moved out to a place of their own because they really wanted a place where they could be a hermit and live in total quiet without other humans and, though they loved me, my sister - our other roommate - and I couldn't exist silently,) we had only found time to spend together twice. Once, when I had to practically beg them to come see our new place, and the other when I was invited as a last minute thought to a going away party for a departing coworker because I happened to be present when they were talking about it and it would have been even more awkward to not extend an invitation.
Finally, after literal weeks of trying to find time to try a restaurant I knew we'd both like, we made plans for a few of us to go to dinner before they continued on to another set of plans to go see a horror film. I was so excited about it the entire week.
The specifics of how the plans ended up falling through aren't particularly relevant beyond the fact that they fell through due to a lack of communication with me, and when I expressed how hurt I was by it, it was thrown back at me as if I was the one who had caused the lack of communication. Lack of communication is never my problem, too much communication frequently is, but never a lack of it.
It was something so small and in the grand scheme of our decades long friendship, so insignificant, but it was like being hit with a cold bucket of water. After crying for an good half hour out of frustration, I finally had to come to an understanding of the situation. Because this wasn't just one incident of missed plans and a tiny spat. It was a slow, two year decline, where, when looking at every interaction (of which there were very few) my best friend had been withdrawing from my life, seemingly intentionally. And I realized I had been trying so hard to hold on to a relationship with a person that didn't really seem concerned with holding on on their end.
It sounds so dramatic, and I know from things that have been said to me by other coworkers that they think I stopped talking to them because I was upset about dinner, but it really had so very little to do with stupid dinner plans. It was about looking at the last two years and seeing how much I'd been removed from their life. It was soul crushing.
So we come full circle to the decision I made then. I decided to stop trying to force something that shouldn't have to be forced. I didn't burn the bridge, but I wasn't going to cross it alone anymore, I needed to be met halfway. And I knew once I made that decision that it was the end, because even with the two years of slow separation, I knew them well enough to know that they were not going to be willing to put in that effort. I wasn't wrong. They didnt. (Except for one *kind of* attempt where they sent a captionless link to a group chat we were both in of something I was peripherally interested in, instead of simply sending something like "Hi" directly to me, as if that would start a conversation. And when it didn't, they never tried again. To be honest, I felt and still feel like I deserved the effort of an actual word, even just a two letter one. I would have replied back and given room for further conversation.)
I also made the decision to reach out to the first group of friends that I had thought didn't like me on the off chance I had been wrong. I had been. It turns out that they had all been under the impression that I had been too busy and then had simply disappeared into the hustle of my own life. A big part of that is on me - because I had met them through my friend, I had always let my friend dictate when we spent time together. And when I began to feel unwanted, I never challenged those feelings by asking the others directly. I'll own all of that.
So here we are. Another seven months later and I'm finally trying to sort out and settle exactly how I feel. I still go through little rounds with myself. Sometimes I feel bitter because I feel like I deserved better than being forgotten. Sometimes I feel sad because I miss my best friend and the friendship we had before all this started. Sometimes I just feel and acceptance because I know we are two completely different people than we were two years ago and things change. Sometimes I feel content because, regardless of how it happened, I think it may have ultimately been better for each of us in the long run; fading out and letting go instead of stubbornly holding on until it became something so toxic we would have destroyed even the good memories of the past. Sometimes I feel happy because, now that I have let go, I'm not buried under a huge ball of stress and depression that I never realized had been there during that last two years and I can focus on building and strengthening the other relationships in my life that I neglected during that time. Sometimes is just one, sometimes it's all of them at the same time.
I'm sure there will be times I'm reminded of something shitty that happened and have moments of less than positive feelings, but I know there will also be times when I can look back fondly on the many things that were wonderful throughout the many years of our friendship. I will never stop loving them. I'm really, genuinely, happy that they seem to be doing well and have other people who can and will be there for them like I got to be for a while. Despite how it hurt while it was happening, I've never thought what they did was done maliciously. Carelessly maybe, but I don't think they ever intended to cause me pain. So, even though we'll never be friends like we once were, I'm never planning to cut them out if they ever want to be there. I'm never planning to burn that bridge if they ever do decide to cross it. Maybe someday, when we've grown up into even bigger adults, we'll find ourselves in a place where we can talk about it. Maybe not. To be honest, that's probably just my lust for closure getting ahead of itself.
So, after all that obnoxious pontificating, here's where I am: I'm going to have little bursts of mixed up feelings every once in a while, and I think that's okay. I'm going to focus on cherishing the relationships I have now and learn from the mistakes that I know I made on my side of the situation and hopefully I won't repeat them. And I'm going to work my damndest to be as good a person and friend as I can be to those in my life now going forward.
And yeah, I realize I may have probably painted myself a little bit too altruistic to what transpired here, but you know what? These are my internal reflections about what's been floating around in my brain...that I'm posting publicly...>_> and I'm gonna let myself have this one.
*finally ends 500 years later*
#internal therapy#word vomit#too many commas#sometimes i make up my own grammar rules#emotions are the worst#i should probably delete this#there is no reason other people need to read this#but we all know how i like to attract potential attention#so we all know i wont#i needed to get it all out to understand#tbh i may never fully understand it all#good lord am i 13 again#drama llama
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I read a short story where a woman character “always looked forward to her period” because it was “a reminder of her womanness” and YES! The story WAS in fact written by a male!
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Children of Blood and Bone (The OrÏsha Legacy) (2018)
“Zélie Adebola remembers when the soil of Orïsha hummed with magic. Burners ignited flames, Tiders beckoned waves, and Zélie’s Reaper mother summoned forth souls.
But everything changed the night magic disappeared. Under the orders of a ruthless king, maji were killed, leaving Zélie without a mother and her people without hope.
Now Zélie has one chance to bring back magic and strike against the monarchy. With the help of a rogue princess, Zélie must outwit and outrun the crown prince, who is hell-bent on eradicating magic for good.
Danger lurks in Orïsha, where snow leoponaires prowl and vengeful spirits wait in the waters. Yet the greatest danger may be Zélie herself as she struggles to control her powers―and her growing feelings for an enemy.”
By Tomi Adeyemi
Order it here
Tomi Adeyemi is a Nigerian-American writer and creative writing coach based in San Diego, California. After graduating Harvard University with an honors degree in English literature, she studied West African mythology and culture in Salvador, Brazil. Visit her at tomiadeyemi.com. Follow her @tomi_adeyemi
[Follow SuperheroesInColor faceb / instag / twitter / tumblr / pinterest]
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The tea is that when George RR Martin includes the rape of a 13 year old girl and Pat Rothfuss writes 100+ pages of boring fairy sex it’s “just sex” and they still get considered part of the serious fantasy canon, but when a female fantasy author does it suddenly it’s “gratuitous smut” and their books can never be considered Serious Fantasy Literature™️ because they wrote about female orgasms and powerful women finding love, and their readers are derided for enjoying the sex scenes and wanting the romance because only Stupid Silly Women™️ care about these things and besides, haven’t you heard that the only accepted literary sex is unhealthy sex that is Painful But Somehow Still Hot™️ because the only valid, serious type of relationship involves a man abusing a woman for the delectation of a male audience!!
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I feel like when you’re writing, organizing chapters and dialogue is easy
but jfc, the amount of time it takes to constantly keep people moving and make sure they’re in the right spaces and trying to come up with wording for it is always such a shock.
Like, fuck, I made you pick up a coffee cup, you need to put it down at some point. also I can’t remember what I dressed you in, can you push up your sleeves? I don’t remember if you even have your shirt on.
and YOU. YOU OVER THERE, you got out of your chair earlier, but did you come back yet? Are you coming back? Where did you even go and why’d you get up? Fuck, I can’t make you sit down again already, you just stood up, go…over there. go get more coffee. Did you bring your mug with you? fine. bring the pot to the table and—wait, wasn’t the coffee pot already over here? shit, hold on, I need to go back and re-read and re-write
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Giethoorn in Netherlands has no roads or any modern transportation at all, only canals. Well, and 176 bridges too. Tourists have to leave their cars outside of the village and travel here by foot or boat by. So you can probably imagine how peaceful it is here.
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You gotta understand that some people never really grow. They never learn their lesson. They never recognise their mistakes, they never acknowledge their faults, they never admit they were in the wrong. You will never receive an apology from them, and you will never see their behaviour change.
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“Well I didn’t see that coming.”
— Me writing a story written by me. (via kalipeda)
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So...I just found out some shit. I...I may need another few days to process this.
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I’ve mentioned “romantic fantasy” in a few recent posts, and some of the responses have made it apparent that a lot of folks have no idea what that actually means - they’re reading it as “romance novels in fantasy settings”, and while some romantic fantasy stories are that, there’s a bit more to it.
In a nutshell, romantic fantasy is a particular genre of Western fantasy literature that got started in the 1970s, reaching its peak in the late 1980s and early 1990s. Its popularity sharply declined shortly thereafter, for reasons that are far too complicated to go into here; suffice it to say that you won’t find many pure examples of the type published after 1998 or so.
It’s tough to pin down exactly what romantic fantasy is in a few words, but you’ll definitely know it when you see it - there’s a very particular complex of tropes that defines it. I’ll try to hit the highlights below; not every romantic fantasy story will exhibit all of these traits, but most will exhibit most of them.
Romantic fantasy settings are typically “grown up” versions of settings that traditionally appeal to young girls: telepathic horses, wise queens, enchanted forests, all that stuff. Note that by “grown up”, I don’t mean “dark” or deconstructionist; romantic fantasy is usually on board with the optimistic tone of its source material, and any grime and uncertainty is the result of being a place that adult human beings actually live in. Protagonists are natives of the setting, rather than visitors from Earth (as is customary in similar stories targeted at younger audiences), though exceptions do exist.
In terms of stories and themes, romance is certainly a big presence, but an even stronger one is politics. Where traditional fantasy is deeply concerned with the geography of its settings, romantic fantasy focuses on the political landscape. Overwrought battle scenes are replaced by long and complicated discussions of political alliances and manoeuverings, brought down to the personal level through the use of heavily stylised supporting characters who function as avatars of the factions and philosophies they represent. Many romantic fantasy stories employ frequent “head-hopping” to give the reader insight into these philosophies, often to the point of narrating brief scenes from the villain’s perspective.
The “good” societies of romantic fantasy settings tend to be egalitarian or matriarchal. Patriarchal attitudes are exhibited only by evil men - or very occasionally by sympathetic male characters who are too young and sheltered to know better (and are about to learn!) - and often serve as cultural markers of the obligatory Evil Empire Over Yonder. Romantic fantasy’s heydey very slightly predates third-wave feminism, so expect to see a lot of the second wave’s unexamined gender essentialism in play; in particular, expect any evil or antagonistic woman to be framed as a traitor to her gender.
Usually these societies are explicitly gay-friendly. There’s often a special made-up word - always printed in italics - for same-gender relationships. If homophobia exists, it’s a trait that only evil people possess, and - like patriarchy - may function as a cultural marker of the Evil Empire. (Note, however, that most romantic fantasy authors were straight women, so the handling of this element tends to be… uneven at best.)
Magical abilities are very common. This may involve a unique talent for each individual, or a set of defined “spheres” of magic that practically everyone is aligned with. An adolescent lacking magical abilities is usually a metaphor for being a late bloomer; an adult lacking magical abilities is usually a metaphor for being physically disabled. (And yes, that last one can get very cringey at times, in all the ways you’d expect - it was the 1980s, after all.)
In keeping with their narrative focus, romantic fantasy stories almost always have an explicitly political character with a strongly progressive bent. However, most romantic fantasy settings share mainstream fantasy’s inexplicable boner for monarchies, so there’s often a fair bit of cognitive dissonance in play - many romantic fantasy settings go through elaborate gymnastics to explain why our hereditary nobility is okay even though everybody else’s is icky and bad. This explanation may literally boil down to “a wizard did it” (i.e., some magical force exists to prevent the good guys’ nobles from abusing their power).
I think that about covers it, though I’m sure I’ve overlooked something - anybody who knows the subject better than I do should feel free to yell at me about it.
(As an aside, if some of this is sounding awful familiar, yes - My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic draws a lot of inspiration from romantic fantasy, particularly the early 90s strand. It’s not a straight example of the type - there are very few of those around today - but it’s not at all subtle about its roots.)
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Part of me wants to shift the entirety of Magical Fantasy Adventure Land into the normal world instead of splitting it into a separate realm.
Part of me is still annoyed that this fucker still doesn’t have a proper title. Or at least something that sounds better as a place holder.
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ATTENTION WRITERS
Google BetaBooks. Do it now. It’s the best damn thing EVER.
You just upload your manuscript, write out some questions for your beta readers to answer in each chapter, and invite readers to check out your book!
It’s SO easy!
You can even track your readers! It tells you when they last read, and what chapter they read!
Your beta readers can even highlight and react to the text!!!
There’s also this thing where you can search the website for available readers best suited for YOUR book!
Seriously guys, BetaBooks is the most useful website in the whole world when it comes to beta reading, and… IT’S FREE.
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some writer snob somewhere: Do not start sentences with But or And because doing so is grammatically incorrect.
me, writing my fic: But I don’t care. And you can’t stop me.
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