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raleigh-ocean · 3 years

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sacramento (where I thought the hurt couldn't get me) | danielle bishop

words: 4,872

summary: Danielle was there, battling with her own feelings, but she never thought that she was going to battle with many more than her already tired body could handle.

n/a: hey! I've been mia since quite a long time, but I'm still here trying to write more for the ocs. I hope y'all liked this tiny thing after all this time!

Danielle didn’t exactly like Sacramento.

She hated it, in fact, with all what was left of her soul. Because it reminded her of many things she still didn’t make peace with, but also because she disconnected herself from there as if she cut all the wires of a central computer with a chainsaw. The knowledge of her being there was glitching in her brain, but at the same time it was trying to fit with an easiness worthy of respect since she wasn’t the one being the best to adapt fast. That was Danna, with her easy ways, not her.

It was complicated.

But it was Christmas and her way too full brain was trying to work with so many things at the same time that she was, as well, trying not to dwell on it for her own sake.

She didn’t know what time it was, but it was late enough to have their party reduced in half. Danna had gone right to sleep the second her girlfriend - God, she had her twin wrapped in her fingers so easily? she never met someone who could make her sister melt like that - started to get droopy eyes, Dilania and Daviel following soon after them. Her two other cousins - Demelza, Dante - followed as well, but the rest of the lot remained because they still had energy in them.

Those were basically all her cousins from her aunt Carla and uncle Jeziel - Deirdre, Diana, Dara, Dayanara, Darziel - plus little Dahlia. And mostly because this Christmas they were all celebrating at their house, which taking in consideration was always a good idea because it was the biggest out of the four Deen’s siblings.

That last thought made Danielle finally move from the couch, giving a last glance where her mother and her aunts were drinking and chattering. Damien gave her a sleepy whine because of that, almost asleep as she was while Danielle finished her whiskey and talked with her uncle Cedric, which was the only one that seemed not interested in the big Monopoly game the rest was playing. Dara’s wife, Dahlia’s girlfriend and the blonde friend they had - Aubrey? Audrey? - were just talking between them, idle talk as much as Danielle could sense.

“Everything okay?”

Danielle looked around to see that her grandfather was still there, smoking and watching something on the television. Wasn’t it too late? Wasn’t he tired?

“Yeah, just…” Danielle looked at her empty glass, not even slightly tipsy. “Needed another one and maybe some fruit salad...if there’s any left.”

“Go check Anita for me, would you?” he mumbled after giving Danielle his old way - the low hum, a tap in the back of her knee, that Danielle actually missed it - to let her know that he listened and was glad she needed something that simple instead of something more complicated. “I’m worried.”

“Sure paps, I was worried too,” Danielle sighed heavily, with the fresh memory of what happened in the middle of dinner in mind, between all the million things she was thinking about. “Damien is falling asleep but doesn’t want to go to bed until I do, can you watch her for a while?”

“Dígale a la niña que venga, hay sitio aquí para que se tumbe y vea tele conmigo,” was the only thing Bruno said and Danielle called for her daughter, who obeyed and layed in the couch with her great-grandfather, who already prepared a cushion and a blanket for her. “You like western, kid?”

“Hmm, a bit?”

And then Danielle didn’t have to worry about Damien...but had to start worrying for her cousin.

Danielle didn’t pay much attention in her way to the kitchen, only focusing in the way the ice cubes in her glass clinked - and thus missing the way Dara’s wife looked at her through the smoke of her own cigarette-, and all the sound that the lively living room had disappeared the second she crossed the kitchen door.

First thing she noticed was the breeze, making the kitchen colder than the living room, because the window was half open. Second thing was that Dara and Dahlia were sharing not only the old armchair - Dahlia half on top of Dara, half asleep as Damien was with her - but also a fruit salad tupperware plus spoon and a tall glass of what Danielle could discern was alcohol. And third and last, that Dara was crying even when she was smiling softly, eating when she wasn’t taking a drag of her cigarette - and that’s why the window was open -, and Dahlia was just hugging her even in her own state.

It ripped Danielle’s already smashed up heart from her chest.

“Dani, hey,” Dara tried to sound cheerful, wiping her tears with quick fingers, and tried to put off her cigarette. “I saved some salad from earlier, when mom was making it, do you want some? I know you love my mom’s salad.”

“Sure, gimme the spoon,” maybe Danielle was a bit tipsy, she wasn’t caring much about the way she was talking. “What are you two drinking?” Danielle took the glass and gave a big sip, the strong flavor of the alcohol making her to shake her head. “I don’t know how you two are even alive.”

“Strong genes and stomachs,” Dahlia slurred and Danielle knew she wasn’t half asleep but wasted, however she managed to pass the spoon to her oldest cousin, who took it and got a spoonful right away.

“I think I’m the one with the strongest,” Dara chuckled lightly, passing her fingers through Dahlia’s loose hair. “After so long, I’m immune to vodka.”

Danielle knew too damn well to not pressure Dara to talk, so she played it along for a little while talking about silly stuff during the few minutes she took to refill her glass and drag a chair to sit by Dara’s side of the armchair. Once settled she couldn’t help but take another spoonful of salad, but then she caught Dara’s left hand as delicately as she could with her free hand and observed those two rings that brought so many opinions that day.

“So...how was it?” Danielle looked at the promise ring, the gold band with rubies. “This looks expensive as Hell and I hope she gave it to you in a proper setting.”

“Billie wanted to take some vacation time and we went to Hawaii this past november,” Dara looked at her promise ring as well, Danielle not missing the way her eyes shone with fresh tears even though she was smiling sweetly. “I didn’t think much of it, I mean, we had a whole while without going on vacation, y’know?” she laughed a bit and Dahlia hugged her better. “But she was under me and started to talk about...well, about all of the things we went through and just pulled it under the pillow…” Dara had to pause because she was about to cry again. “Said she wanted me to be entirely her wife, since we never asked each other to be girlfriends and that, and I said yes.”

“How long have you two been...together?” Danielle didn’t like much that last bit, for some reason her drunk brain was trying to dig up.

“Ten years; twenty-fifth of december, two thousand and ten,” Dara intertwined her fingers with Danielle’s, taking up the offering since her cousin didn’t move her hand. “It’s a special date, I wanted to be more special this year.”

Taking in count Bastien and her lasted for fifteen years, Danielle felt a huge wave of pride for her cousin. Mostly because when she left for Canada so many years ago, she was like sixteen and was barely starting to taste waters with Benjamin - oh God, how angry was she when she knew about Benjamin and Dayanara from Dara - and now she grew to be this woman that finally seemed to have found the happiness she was so desperately seeking. Maybe that’s why it hurt so bad seeing her crying, be sad, when it had to be the opposite.

“Of course it will be, I mean, maybe not here, but once we’re settled in Los Angeles...well, I don’t know a fucking single place there but Dahlia will help, right?” Danielle quickly babbled, poking Dahlia’s nose to get her attention. “And we will go out and get a buffet to celebrate properly.”

Having Danielle break out of character so suddenly made Dara laugh, but her tears still spilled from her eyes, and then brought Dani’s hand to her lips and kissed her knuckles and Dani truly felt how much Dara grew just with that gesture, because it was as if she was the oldest of them all instead of Dani and Danna.

“I prefer you lot come home and I cook for you, maybe we get Bills to make her surprise lasagna and all,” oh, the tone in the nickname, Danielle had to drink from her glass in order to not just go full on rampage. “At least we can do that before we go to our second honeymoon.”

“Second honeymoon?” Danielle asked that confused, taking another spoonful and then feeding another to Dahlia, who gladly ate it.

“Yeah, Billie said Hawaii was our first one and later we would go to a proper one,” Dara sighed a bit but her smile didn’t fade. “Since I usually don’t spend my vacation days at work idly, I took them to make the most out of them and we are going off to the north of Italy for that. Me in the Alps, can you imagine? I love snow and Billie said it’s beautiful there,” well, Danielle had many things to say about snow in Quebec, probably way too different from Italy, but stayed silent about it. “If my leg wasn’t such a bitch, I would love to go skiing, Audrey said it’s really fun.”

Of course, Danielle didn’t forget about Dara’s leg, but she always tried not to think about it in order to stay sane.

“Jesus Christ, next thing I’ll know is that she bought you a house on the Hamptons or whatever rich ass neighbourhood is in Los Angeles,” Dani chuckled a bit because of that, trying to mentally make how much money this woman was spending in her cousin and feeling that she would simply say ‘I’ll jump even higher than that’ if Dara asked her to jump.

“No, Billie said she left Palos Verdes because she hated it there and that’s why we live in Pasadena,” Dara wiped her tears again, this time with the back of her hand since she let Dani’s go. “But she already bought me a house, we just...well, we’ve been slowly remodeling for five years.”

Danielle had to laugh because the situation was madness for her and that made Dara laugh, because she knew what Danielle was feeling and thinking about it, and Dahlia laughed as well because she already knew and still couldn’t believe it.

All this conversation was taking Dara’s mind out of the sadness that engulfed her and that was everything Danielle wanted in that moment.

When they stopped from laughing, they took big gulps of their drinks - Dara and Dahlia taking turns with theirs, obviously - and Danielle didn’t feel so bad about being in Sacramento anymore. If Danna wasn’t such a sleepyhead maybe, sharing this moment with them and making Dara feel more at ease with her presence - because Danielle knew that none could be upset so long if her twin sister was around -, it would be even better.

It was making her forget her own sadness, to be honest, focusing on people she loved so dearly.

The silence settled between them after that, slowly and calmly, and Dara asked for permission to light up another cigarette since she knew Danielle wasn’t so fond of the awful habit. However, it surprised her that Danielle asked if they could share it, only saying about it that she had a while without doing so - a while called like seventeen years - and not to look at her so scandalized. Dahlia, for her part, seemed to have found a good spot in Dara’s chest to just rest her head and not move much aside from when she was eating, adding some drunk bits here and there.

And eventually, in between the idle talk about some shitty show Danielle had watched with Damien and how Dara knew about that same show, Danielle managed what she wanted with all of this.

For Dara to open up.

“I wanted them to be happy for me, y’know?” Danielle heard how hard it was for Dara to not break into ugly sobbing just as she took another drag of the second cigarette they lighted. “I was happy for them in their best moments, I cheered and supported them no matter what,” Dara closed her eyes and a couple of tears finally escaped. “But they couldn’t do the same for me, what else could I expect from people who said I was just a toy and I’ll be left alone once Billie felt tired of me…”

That sent Danielle in overdrive, truly overdrive in which if she was feeling more than tipsy right now she just felt all sobered up.

“Who said that?” she asked, watching Dara wiping her eyes again with her fingers, feeling an awful twist in her guts.

“Deirdre said it, right here where we are, three years ago, and she hasn’t changed her opinion,” Dara said it so softly Danielle wished she heard wrong. “Diana and Dayanara backed it up. Darziel confirmed it to me once he called me all drunk in the middle of the night to apologize for not saying something to them,” Dara tried to laugh but it only brought more tears to her eyes. “I always knew mom had her doubts with...everything, but hoped she left them behind after so long...God, she reacted better to Deirdre being pregnant with Eva,” another laugh that felt like a stab to Dani’s heart. “The only ones that seemed truly happy about it was grandpa, dad and Billie’s father, along Darziel and Gemma,” she fluttered her fingers and passed the cigarette to Dani, who took it in automatically. “I’m only focusing in them ‘cause I know Dilania and Demelza will always be happy for me, the rest could care more or less and I know mom will talk it all with the aunties about how disappointed she is of me; uncle Cedric, well, he’s always like ‘you do you, as far as you’re safe’ and well...you and Danna didn’t kill Billie, so I take it well. Dahlia knew right after the wedding happened.”

Danna had pulled both Billie and Dara into a tight hug to convey all the happiness she felt for the news, her girlfriend and little son following as well; and Dani, even with her less enthusiastic ways, had congratulate them along Damien as well because it was everything she wanted for Dara: to see her happy and healthy.

Danielle wanted to throw up from how furious she was feeling at this moment.

“Well, in my defense, you two took Audrey to get married as soon as you landed from your vacation,” Dahlia said as a matter of fact, raising her finger but with her head still in Dara’s chest. “And then you three came all the way to Santa Barbara to take Shelby and I to a restaurant and celebrate.”

“How about your wife’s family?” Danielle had to ask that in order to not lose her goddamn mind, but that Dara said clearly that her father-in-law was the only one truly happy...didn’t feel right to her.

“Oh, let’s don’t start with them…” Dara’s face showed how tired she was right away. “Billie has two older sisters, Josephine is the oldest and Roseanne the middle one, and they didn’t like me from the very beginning,” she drank from her glass, which was almost empty at this point of the conversation. “Jo...I thought she liked me after the horror show that was Billie’s mom’s death; but Rose...well, at least she always was honest and said I was with Billie for her money, only made it more clear when we told them all,” Danielle was feeling her brain disconnecting. “If only they knew I kept and still keep Billie from spending her money on absolutely everything and-”

And then the kitchen’s door opened and Dara fell silent right away, even when it was impossible someone heard them since she didn’t raise her tone. Danielle was feeling her own hands pulling back her hair, her brain not registering the movement well, to pull it all up in a ponytail when Danna’s face showed up, all happy and content.

“Good evening my drunken lovelies,” she said with a funny voice, entering the kitchen and closing the door behind her. Danna was in her pajamas, not caring a single fuck about anything. “Felt like get some choco and give some cuddles to my favourite people,” Danna smiled so big and bright that was almost making up for the big sad note in the kitchen, and then she saw what Danielle was doing. “Nani, what’re you doing? What did I do, you only pull up your hair in a ponytail when you’re about to beat the shit outta me-” then Danielle stood up and Danna knew right away Danielle wasn’t angry with her. “Danielle Andrea Bishop, what’s goi-hey!”

It was then that Dara and Dahlia came out from their own bubble to see how Danna was trying to stop Danielle from going out of the kitchen. It was obvious their strength was similar, but Danna managed to hug her twin tightly to not let her escape.

“Someone care to explain to me real quick what’s going on?” asked Danna, hearing Danielle mutter a mash up speech between spanish, french and english that she wasn’t understanding.

The explanation came a quarter from a worried Dara and the rest from a furious Danielle…

...and then a drunk Dahlia and a scared Dara had to stop the twins from going berserk in the living room.

“Why didn’t you tell us they said that?” asked Danna right away once Dahlia had managed to make Danielle sit in the armchair and Danna in the other chair, Dara almost glued to the door. “You didn’t have to endure all of that shit.”

“Darry, seriously, just give me one single reason to not drag their sorry ass down the street,” Danielle said, her hands already in fists.

“The same as I didn’t tell Billie in the moment, because I didn’t want you all to react like this,” Dara motioned to them and their visible anger. “And because we can’t do shit about it. The best thing I could do was to put on a brave face and show them that it wasn’t like that,” Dahlia looked at Dara and nodded gravely, which made the twins feel even more dread. “It’s what I’ve been doing for the last ten years.”

“You knew about this?” Danielle asked without missing a beat, pointing at poor Dahlia, that wasn’t used to being the target of anyone’s fury.

“It wasn’t always Dara being ultra strong, I was there for her at the worst,” Dahlia said timidly, backing a little more to be by Dara’s side on the door. “I was there as she was for me…”

Danielle exchanged looks with Danna, trying to calm themselves but only feeling angrier and angrier because of this whole mess.

“All I ever wanted was for everyone to see what I see in Billie,” Dara’s tears were there again and this time she didn’t stop them in any of her ways of doing so. “She’s kind, she’s smart, sometimes she’s a bit dumb and she loves me for who I am...the nice parts and the awful ones,” she held tight the handle of her cane. “Obviously she isn’t free of faults, but everyone has them and I don’t want anyone but her for the rest of my life,” she tapped the kitchen’s floor a bit with her cane. “But fighting my sisters and my mother to accept her would make it easier? Absolutely not.”

“But at least they’ll be put in place, Darry,” Danna was beyond herself, her hands over her thighs. “It was supposed to be the happiest day of your life...and they ruined it.”

“And it was the happiest day of my life, none ruined it. The only thing that could’ve made it better was both of you to be there as well,” Dara confessed, looking down. “They just disappointed me more, but I wasn’t surprised by it. I knew what was going to happen and I’m sad because I...well, why wouldn’t I want my mom to be happy with me for something so important?” Dara’s voice broke finally and Dahlia moved the remaining chair so Dara could sit by the door. “I bet if I said I was pregnant they would have been happier...or who knows, maybe it would’ve been worse!”

Right there, right fucking there, it was when Danielle felt the wave of hatred for this place...and knew why she left in the first place. To get away from the bullshit, to put ground between all the suffocating expectatives and to try and be happy. She guessed Dahlia had done the same, or at least along those lines; she knew Danna did it naturally just because of her goals and she didn’t put much thought into it; and she fully knew Dara had escaped from Sacramento the last of them because she kept hoping things would be different.

They weren’t, unfortunately, and that had been the poison that Dara kept on taking because she loved their family this much and couldn’t just cut everything like they three did in their own ways.

That realization was what grounded Danielle in the end and she felt how she was tearing up finally for this. Danna had her hands covering her face and Danielle knew she was a nervous wreck just by the way she was moving her legs up and down in short moves.

However, they couldn’t say much because someone knocked at the door and a blonde head stuck out from it. Blonde head that belonged to Billie and the first thing she saw was Dahlia blocking her view from Dara, who was trying to put herself together.

“Shelby fell asleep on the couch, thought you would like to take her to bed Dahlia,” Billie said that with a light tone and Dahlia nodded at it, looking at her three cousins for a second.

“I’ll do, I think it’s too late already to be awake anyway,” Dahlia chuckled a bit and then went to hug the twins lightly and get a kiss on the cheek from Dara. “And I’m too drunk.”

Billie opened the door wider so she could get out and Danielle saw that Dara and Billie’s friend, Audrey, was right behind the other blonde as if waiting for her. Only when Dara finally faced her wife, Danielle saw how Billie scanned her face and got in the kitchen along with Audrey immediately.

“The day was too long, my love, let’s get you to bed, okay?” Billie was smiling in a way different from all the time Danielle saw her smiling, far from the kinda smug and know-it-all way she actually didn’t like. She was smiling at Dara as if she was the only thing important in the room.

“Yeah…” Dara smiled back at her and Danielle looked at exchange of touches as if she was watching her cousin for the first time in her life; how Billie leant to kiss her fully on the lips and whispered something she couldn’t catch, how Dara let her wife help her stand up and Audrey moved as well, to kiss her cheek timidly. “I’m too tired already.”

Danna finally looked up and Danielle could see how tired her twin was, but stood up the same and took Dara in her arms to wrap her in one of her momma bear hugs. Danielle stood up as well, hugging both and kissing Dara’s crown of the head with all the love she could gather for her as a goodbye.

It wasn’t until they were gone and the twins were alone in the kitchen that they said something.

“Since auntie put us five in the same room, I took Damien to bed. Paps and her fell asleep watching Clint Eastwood going terribly pew pew to the bad guys,” Danna’s voice was faint, but Danielle nodded at that while emptying her glass.

“I hate this place,” Danielle said bitterly and Danna looked worried at her sister. “They’re always with the same...things. Why Deirdre and Diana still act like bitchy teens is beyond me.”

“Well, mom and tía Carla doesn’t help much to begin with,” Danna said, shrugging and trying to find the chocolate she first went down there to get. “They let Deirdre act like that because of everything she went through, y’know, and Diana only followed her. Dayanara always tried to stick with them since she was little, now that she grew up and they actually are more welcoming of her...pues ahí tienes.”

“Darry went through worse than an unexpected pregnancy and a coward,” Danielle was still angry, so angry that her twin went and held her hand in order to help her calm down.

“I know Dani, I know,” Danna sighed and gave her twin a piece of chocolate as well. “But they weren’t the ones escaping in the middle of the night, the ones barely passing high school and not going to uni, the ones that didn’t fit their perfect mold...how else can I say that you don’t know already?” Danna then shrugged again. “Heck that I want to kick their asses into oblivion, we both know we totally can together, but Darry has a point there. It’ll make things worse…” Danielle munched finally on her chocolate, the sweetness of it making her feel a bit better. “...and at this point all I want in life is just see you three happy. If Dara’s happiness depends on this, I’m gonna do it and see her smile.”

Danielle looked at their hands, intertwined fingers as they did when they were children, and had to give Danna a point for her words.

This, Sacramento, was only a little percent of their lives at this point and whatever they did outside was more meaningful than anything that happened in those few days they were there.

Maybe focusing on the things soon to come, on how Danielle will be more in touch with her sister, Dara and Dahlia since she came to the States to stay, was the most important thing after all. She could navigate through their lives again, be more present and in touch since she was going to live nearby. She would see if her first reading of Billie was right or wrong - of course she supported Dara, but that woman gave her a vibe that was putting her off -, talk more with Ally and truly bond with her sister-in-law, she would even try and crack the mystery that Dahlia became with all the time apart...she would have time.

Time she deserved after so long.

All of this will make her look forward to things again, maybe helping with her depression and to move on from her divorce.

Will she be able to help Damien along the way as well?

Those were many questions Danielle had in her mind, but there in the kitchen with Danna, she felt that as long as she was close with those she loved and cared for around, she was going to be okay.

With that, she felt all the tiredness coming to her as if the big dam that was her mind fell apart, the tears she had been holding for months being set free.

It startled Danna to see her twin sister like this, crying in silence, but she hugged her as tight as she hugged her the second Danielle crossed hours before the front door. She hugged her telling her everything was going to be okay, because Danna was there to watch over her and let her rest for a while until she picked up her pace again.

“Let big sis take care of you, Nani,” it was easy to feel more welcomed when your big sister was reassuring you, the pet name of your childhood coming out in those moments they were together. “Everything is gonna be fine, I promise.”

Danielle believed in that, hanging on every word of reassurement Danna gave her.

Obviously she didn’t see the future, a future in which everything would be upside down for her and she would have to face many things she didn’t expect, but for the moment she was fine just being held by someone that could understand her fully without saying much.

And Danna was way too happy to oblige, because at the end of the day she had her own demons as well to appease, many of them related to making up for the time she lost.

#the originals #danielle bishop #danna bishop #dara ann lynch #dahlia deen #american horror story #billie dean howard x original character

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raleigh-ocean · 3 years

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💝💕💖HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY!!!! 💖💕💝 I couldn’t get you a traditional paper valentine, so here’s a virtual one!!! You’re one of my best friends and I don’t know what my life would be without you!!! I’m so so SO happy we met, and thank you for being a wonderful human being!!!! I hope you have a day filled with BUCKETS of happiness and love!! 💝💐💞🍫💕🌹💖🍬💗💘

Oh honey, this is so sweet!! I hope you had an amazing day as well! Mine was really nice, I spent time with my Valentines and that was what went for me, not much haha I'm happy we started being friends as well darling, let's talk more soon!!

#this was really sweet #thank u alaina for the message!

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raleigh-ocean · 3 years

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well, I put a new id just to let y'all know I'm not dead and that soon you'll have some new content!

#waddup my friendos #watchu doin

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raleigh-ocean · 3 years

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#i cant wait for the legendary edition #these gifs are bomb doe #i loved mass effect 2 #and I'm loving 3 so far #reblogging reblogging

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raleigh-ocean · 3 years

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I want to say that I picture Audrey being from Cumbria or Manchester City so, I totally see her being a Manchester United or City fan 👀

re: billie and tennis - i played tennis (badly) in school so yes i understand audrey's plight. tennis skirts are by design meant to either be very short or very floaty with tight shorts underneath for movement, and either way that's too much thigh for audrey to continue to function. that's not even getting into seeing billie in action, or the inevitable grunts and sounds of exertion that come out of billie's mouth while playing. it's all designed specifically to leave audrey a mess. - fic anon

re: billie and tennis, part 2 - however, as much as billie and tennis is guaranteed to have audrey squirming and flushed in 2 minutes flat, i also humbly offer - audrey has a distant childhood relationship with football (billie is NOT allowed to call it soccer) and was never particularly good, but the one time she's invited to play for a celebrity charity game billie smoked 2 whole packs of cigarettes just to get through the match at the look of audrey's ass in those uniform shorts - fic anon

Oh my GOD, imagine Audrey seeing Billie getting lowkey mad because she’s losing/not playing as well as she actually does? Or Audrey watching Billie play and win for the first time? Or Billie teaching Audrey how to play? Yes. Yes please.

Also PLEASE DON’T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON AUDREY+FOOTBALL, because I’ve been cooking a small headcanon about Audrey enjoying football and I can’t pick decide on what team she’d be a fan of, I’m torn between Liverpool and Manchester City (I’m projecting on her since we don’t from where in England she’s from), and she watches the games and she’s very intense and Billie could never prepare herself for the sight of Audrey cussing at the TV while watching a game.

BUT YES, that absolutely happens I’m screaming 😩 Billie can’t take her eyes off of Audrey and the only thing in her mind is “legslegslegslegslegs ass legslegslegslegs” and they’ve barely been through 15 minutes of the first half when Billie starts checking her watch to see how long does she have to wait until she can get her hands in Audrey’s shorts 🗣

#me putting my intake on this so your hc can go further #bc I'm very invested in these hc doe #reblogging reblogging

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raleigh-ocean · 3 years

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I feel this on another level because I do this too. You can see too many things through what the rest listen that and I think that's neat. So yeah, keep doing more 26h playlists! I'm sure they amazing.

26 HOURS??? i can barely get to five hours on my playlists ma'am what's your superpower

my superpower is that i literally never stop listening to music and i have an insatiable need to know other people’s secrets through their own music as well as my own

#playlists are my drug I swear #it's not only the mood or maybe I'm writing something especific #it's something that goes further than that #and i think is lovely

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raleigh-ocean · 3 years

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we built a home (should it get comfier?) | danielle bishop x tiffany belànger | TOMU

words: 2,985

AU: parents!BillieDara, non!AudreyDanielle.

summary: Danielle looked at Tiffany cuddling a sleepy baby Helena with one arm, caressing her belly absent-minded while typing with the other hand in her laptop, and felt a strong tug in her chest. She knew the screen was divided, half the case Fany was working on and half Finding Dory, and the whole scene put her back almost fifteen years. Damien wasn’t that different from Helena when she was a baby, after all, and now that she was growing up so much...Danielle started to think if maybe there was a possibility.

Really hot showers were one of Danielle’s favourite go-to stress relievers.

It managed to help her melt all the cobwebs in her brain after a long day of dealing with people since she couldn’t get her other favourite one and, to be honest, Danielle wasn’t complaining much. Drying her hair with a towel, she hummed to herself while walking to the ensuite bathroom’s door and watched the view she had a whole while without seeing.

Her wife with a baby in her arms...well, arm, in singular.

Tiffany, glasses and gown on, had her arm around the big baby girl and her hand caressing her belly absentmindedly while both were focused on the laptop’s screen. The baby was falling asleep, Danielle knew it by the way she was chewing slow on her pacifier, but her eyes were still battling to stay awake because whatever Tiffany was playing on her laptop had her absolute attention...and Tiffany, who was pretty focused as well, was mumbling something while typing with her free hand from time to time.

“When things get hard, there’s always another way,” Tiffany said in a bit of a baby voice, letting go an exasperated sigh. “Yeah, absolutely there is, and that’s going to be auntie’s problem tomorrow Leni,” without looking away from the screen, Tiffany moved enough to leave a kiss on top of the baby’s head, which made the baby raise her hand to touch her and gain another kiss on her tiny fist. “Yeah, it totally will.”

“Of which auntie is gonna be that problem?” Danielle said with a soft laugh, getting the attention of both like that.

“This one,” Tiffany pointed herself on the forehead and then her lips. “Can she also get a kiss?”

Danielle smiled big at that, getting closer to Tiffany and giving her what she wanted easily, and then she climbed over her legs to lie down on her side of bed, her hand going fast to tickle the baby’s belly.

“Ellie, I swear, if that makes her not sleepy you’re going to watch Finding Dory with her for another three hours,” Tiffany warned Danielle when she got the baby to chuckle sleepily and throw her tiny hands over Dani’s face when she kissed her tummy several times. “And you’re getting the pillow and bed wet, why are you so against blow-drying?”

“We watched Hercules until the disk didn’t reproduce anymore, I’m trained already,” Danielle’s laugh was low, touching with the wet ending of a lock the baby’s nose. “Well, it won’t wet the way I wanted but I think it will do the trick,” that comment made Tiffany flicker her fingers against Danielle’s forehead, hitting her. “Auch!”

“Not in front of Lena,” Tiffany scowled and then her features softened when Helena cuddled against Danielle.

“¿Qué pasa hija?” Danielle cooed that after rolling her eyes to Tiffany’s remark, taking Helena in her arms and getting her to get comfier in her chest. “Ya tienes sueño, ¿verdad?” She kissed her forehead with love, one of her hands caressing her tiny back and the other went to take Tiffany’s, giving her a kiss on her knuckles as well. “What are you working on so late?”

“I wanted to give the final touches to the case I’m working on, so tomorrow I don’t have so much load of work to do,” Tiffany closed her laptop and lied better in bed, getting closer to Danielle so she could watch Helena falling asleep to the beat of Danielle’s heart. “But I couldn’t come up with good solutions, so I’ll worry about that tomorrow,” Tiffany traced Helena’s features with her finger, without touching her. “I thought she would be hungry at some point.”

“Ana breastfed her at my office,” Danielle chuckled and rested her head against Fany’s. “Thirty-five minutes must have given her enough to last a while,” she shrugged a bit. “I think I'm starting to understand why she is so chubby.”

For Tiffany it was crystal clear because she had been with Danielle for the last thirteen years, so except for one, she watched the next generation be born. Helena was a big baby at ten months old, like many of the children in Danielle’s family, so it wasn’t a big surprise and, as far as they knew, she was already eating real food so it only added up.

For Danielle, who still had her perception messed up by her own experience, she found it funny in a way. She knew Dara’s pregnancy hadn’t been the best but watching her baby girl grow in such a healthy way was a huge relief; it helped Danielle see the other side, because Damien had too many problems growing up after being in the same situation.

However, they both fell silent just to enjoy the moment.

Even when they were babysitting Helena, they felt weirdly at rest from their busy schedules, a shot of fresh air. Danielle had tried to clean her schedule as much as possible during the week, she ever so worried about that, and Tiffany had tried to at least not have to do much at home for that day. Since Danielle was going to be till late at the office, Dara had dropped her baby daughter to her there and it gave Tiffany time to prepare at home for the occasion.

Dara and Billie had to attend some sort of gala with dinner and Danielle, as one of the godmothers of Helena, offered herself since Audrey and Dahlia were out of town. Dani had to give it to Dara that it was pretty badass to watch her stroll in the office all dressed up to the nines, heels and make-up on, with Helena in her carrier in one hand and the bag with Helena’s stuff in the other along the car keys.

Caressing with care Helena’s back and humming softly to a song, Dani felt a strong tug on her chest that called the roots of that messed up side of her, with the memory of watching Dara breastfeeding her daughter while telling Dani about her day as if this wasn’t something extraordinary.

“Fany?” Tiffany hummed in response, because Dani humming was lulling her to sleep as well. “Did you ever think about...well, us, having another?”

Dani and Fany made eye contact there and the latter just got closer to kiss Dani’s cheek big. She knew from where she was coming from, Damien was growing up so fast before their eyes and Dara having Helena had renewed and awakened many asleep feelings, mostly because Danielle absolutely adored her cousin and was seeing in her what it should have been for them. Tiffany couldn’t say she didn’t think about it, but she never saw herself being pregnant nor when she was younger nor now that she was forty; but most important, because going through Danielle’s pregnancy had been the most trying and hellish thing she ever did - even when she loved being there every step of the way to help - and she didn’t want to put her wife through it again.

All of that tied to the fact they were still building their careers and they barely had time to take care of one - as fine that it turned out. Imagining two or more, Tiffany shook her head a bit - even if they adopted, they would be in the same situation. However she knew that thought was a common one they shared.

“I did but, being honest with you Ellie, as much as I loved raising Damien with you and I think we would make a great job with another,” Tiffany moved her hand to cover Helena’s ear so she couldn’t hear in her sleep what she was about to say. “All I can think about is Damien not being at home so often, so you can fuck me around the house without interruption,” that made both giggle. “Which I hope your cousin is doing with her wife, with the night off they have.”

Neither of them knew Dara and Billie absolutely planned to, after the event, but would fall asleep in a burrito of blankets hours later without going further than making out.

Danielle only tried not to laugh hard to not interrupt her baby niece’s sleep. Tiffany was the only one she felt comfortable enough to share her feelings with - even when Dara was the closests second one and Danna, her twin, the third - and having that out of her chest plus the simple answer was what helped her the most to register this sudden peak of ‘baby fever’ in order to understand it and overcome it.

“Maybe we should ask Ana if she can teenagesit Damien for a day in exchange, and do that,” Danielle whispered, turning her head enough to press a kiss on Tiffany’s cheek that led to Tiffany giving her another in her lips. “But I understand what you are saying.”

“I’m sorry, my love,” Tiffany mumbled that in french, swifting just because it was way easier for her to revert to her mother tongue to open up. That was also why they usually spoke more french than english at home now that they were in the States. “I know where it's coming from, but we already built a home for the three of us and it’s...I think it’s finally working out well,” Tiffany smiled sideways and Danielle mimicked her, bumping a bit their heads. “Being aunts it’s nice and, well, I know your cousin and I highly doubt they’ll only have one baby.”

“If it was for Billie, I’m sure they’d have like four or five already, they made a pretty cute baby so I can’t blame her at all,” Danielle always joked with Dara about it and Tiffany made a face that suggested that yeah, she thought about that too. “Do you think moving here was what we needed?”

“I do, I think we both were getting restless in Québec, as much as I still love it,” Tiffany said, pinching her lower lip with her index and thumb. “Damien is adapting fast, being here worked wonders with your depression,” to that, both smiled sadly, because that was a heavy topic in their lives even if it was common by now. “And, being honest, the new office has treated me better in almost a year than they’ve treated me in Québec in the last seven,” that was something that always enraged Danielle. “Maybe what we need now is some time, just us two.”

“So we can ha-”

Then someone knocked on their bedroom’s door, shyly but strong enough to be noticed.

“Maman? Mami?” Damien’s voice sounded a bit muffled. “Can I come in?”

And Tiffany made a face to Danielle that she knew what meant, which made her chuckle again.

“Yeah,” Danielle said a bit stronger and Damien came into view, pajamas on and sleepy eyes. “Everything okay?”

Damien nodded while making her way to Tiffany’s side of the bed and she opened the quilt for her to come in, which the girl did as if she already knew the cue. Danielle moved enough so Damien was in between Fany and her as comfortable as she could, without disturbing Helena’s sleep, and then Damien looked at the sleepy baby, curious yet scared.

“Not sleepy today?” Tiffany asked after leaving a kiss in Damien’s head and passed her arm over her belly to cuddle her better. “Or just wanted some more cuddles?”

“I...wanted to be with Lena a bit more,” the confession made both Dani and Fany look at Damien, who got her hand closer to Helena’s tiny fist over Danielle’s chest. “I like her, aunt Dara isn’t like aunt Dilania nor uncle Daviel, she let me hold her sometimes and play with her.”

That was something new coming from Damien, because she never was one to be...closer with her actual cousins - Danielle’s nieces and nephews that were actually from her siblings. It was true that they living in Canada put things harder for all the parts and it made Damien grow up not being too attached to Danielle’s side of the family. However, Dara was always there in someway to remind Damien she was available for her as much as Danna, who was her closest aunt since she was Danielle’s twin; and, well, they moved to Los Angeles around the time Dara was eight months pregnant so that meant Damien got to spend too much time with her, taking in count Dara’s pregnancy turned to be one high-risk.

It was as if Damien had made a different bond with Helena than with the rest and Danielle, upon realizing this, felt her whole body warm up in a pleasing way.

Pleasing because maybe, probably, she was starting to see herself in her daughter.

She remembered when they moved to the States from the Dominican Republic around seven and, in all the novelty of that, Danna, Daviel and her fell into the care of her aunt Carla for a great chunk of the day, since their parents were busy trying to find a job and a home of their own instead of living all with their grandparents. None of them knew about Dilania starting to be real, but they knew Dara was already in her way. Maybe that’s why Danielle - and Danna, for that matter as well - had such a deep connection with Dara, because they were there from the moment she was born onwards.

Damien fell into the same box, the only difference was that she was twelve instead of seven and understood many more things than Danielle could probably understand at the time.

“Is that so?” Danielle slipped into english, because Damien tended to slip in the familiarity of french. “And what does she do when you hold her?”

“She…” the girl blinked and looked at her mother. “She plays with my fingers and we watch videos on auntie’s phone,” Damien’s accent wasn’t as heavy as Tiffany’s, but since she was tired it got a bit rowdier. “And…”

Hearing Damien start talking more about what she did while both weren’t with her made Danielle and Tiffany think about the conversation they were having before Damien came into the bedroom. Of course if they would pursue Danielle’s sudden baby fever they thought Damien wouldn’t have any problem with it - as far they could see - but on the other hand...they thought that maybe this was also okay. If Damien wasn’t there, Helena would’ve been in the same situation as her because they were apart from the family - since they all lived in Sacramento - so maybe this way their special bond would grow to an unique one, because as they kept growing up, they’ll at least have each other.

Danielle and Dara - along Billie - highly doubted that Dahlia and Audrey would give them the surprise of having one as well.

Time passed by and eventually Danielle finally moved Helena to were they had fixed Damien’s old portable crib - which they actually sent to Dara and Billie when they still were in Canada - and watched how Damien was already trying to move to go back to her room with care of not waking Tiffany up in the process, who was already asleep with her glasses still on.

“Don’t you wanna stay, mimi?” Danielle said before yawning, getting in her side of the bed and taking Tiffany’s glasses off with the ease of someone who has done it too many times. “The bed is warm and yours is cold.”

Danielle didn’t have to say it twice.

That made her giggle to herself, kissing Damien’s forehead with love when she cuddled against her front, and Danielle felt completely at peace just with that. Tiffany moved in her sleep, getting closer to them and draping her arm over both as humanly could - her hand resting over Danielle’s ribs in an awkward angle.

“We barely fit anymore,” said Danielle with a laugh in her tone, mimicking Tiffany in a better way because she was physically bigger than her and could. “But I would do it even after you turn eighteen and until you want.”

“Maman?” Damien’s voice was a mere whisper and Danielle hummed to acknowledge she heard her. “Can I tell you something?”

“Go ahead,” Danielle gave her another kiss on the forehead. “We had a while without a secret between us.”

“I’m really happy we are here,” Damien cuddled better, hiding her face in Danielle’s crook of the neck. “I’m happy mami and you are happy,” that was like a punch in the stomach - weirdly good punch - for Danielle. “But...I’m happier because auntie Dara is the happiest since Helena is here,” Damien’s warmth was getting in her and letting her feel more at peace. “I’ve never seen her smile like now and...Helena is my favourite cousin just because of that.”

God, if she knew she would have another Damien for sure, same good heart and awkward manners that remind her so much of herself when she was a kid, Danielle would go right away for a second kid.

What did she do to have such a sweet girl?

It only earned Damien more kisses and cuddles, but for Danielle the confession was enough to finally settle that restless weird feeling she was having and almost settled while talking to Tiffany. And it only made Danielle answer one last thing that would close the wild thought of getting a fuller house.

“I hope you remember that in ten years, mimi, because if your cousin turns out like your auntie around that age…” Danielle laughed, the memory of a younger version Dara and herself in her head. “Qué Dios nos ayude, si lo vamos a necesitar”

As a quick future vision, it would be way worse, but a twenty-three years old Damien would handle ten years old Helena not only like a champ, but as the only one able to control her at all.

#original character x original character #billie dean howard x original character #danielle bishop #tiffany belanger

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raleigh-ocean · 3 years

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#root is the best character that ever happened to me #and that's a rock fact #goddamn it i love her so much #reblogging reblogging #these gifs are amazeballs op #person of interest #root

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raleigh-ocean · 3 years

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daffodils for the queen of hearts | billie dean howard x dara ann lynch

words: 12,824

summary: Once upon a time, there was a queen whose heart locked in order to not be harmed again, behind heavy walls of stone. However, the story isn’t about those who she slayed in order to keep going, but about how a little unexpected flower started to grow in a crack at her feet and once she realized, a whole garden of them was plaguing its way to her heart. Four times Billie wanted to say ‘I love you’ and the time she finally did, with a little sweet epilogue at the end.

n/a: with this done, it’s time to let them rest for a little while and be secondary characters to the other ocs. I think I love them the most out of everyone and that’s why I wanted to write this for them. If we had to make a timeline of everything, it would start with them as well, the day they met...I get emotional thinking about them haha they were the start of everything, it’s impossible not to. I hope y’all enjoy this, from now on I’ll dedicate my time to fix the ocs entries on the archive and doing short things.

November, 2012.

Who the fuck was ringing the bell at this damned hour?

Her tiredness and her headache as well got even worse with the mere thought of standing up from her desk chair. Maybe if she didn’t move or made a sound, they'd go away...but what was she thinking? It was impossible that someone could see her in her studio.

Looking at her laptop, Billie managed to check that it wasn’t past dinner time as she thought, but barely after lunch. How much time had she been at it? Her eyes drifted to the ashtray in her desk and she had to painfully look away because...well, there were too many cigarette butts there.

The doorbell rang again and then some powerful knocks followed.

It was enough to get Billie's already on the verge nerves, so with her best scowl all over her tired face Billie went straight to the front door.

Without thinking, fast like a punch, that was her usual approach to anything that bothered her...and usually when she was normal, it was something engraved in her persona, her DNA, passed through generations of Howards like some sick move to make them like they were.

“Listen, I don’t know what you want but if you want to keep that hand you better g-”

Billie barely registered the bright yellow trench coat before her eyes went up, a few inches, enough to encounter heavy brown eyes looking at her with a glint of surprise. If those damned dimples didn’t cause such a good impression on her, she would have closed the door firmly.

“Oh, I thought you liked my hands,” the woman in front of her was smiling, but Billie could perfectly hear the softness behind that.

“What are you doing here, Dara?” Billie had to remind herself to be an ounce polite to the woman she had been seeing for two years already. She closed her eyes a bit, tired, and missed how the other woman looked at her worriedly.

“Three days without hearing about you got me worried, honey,” Dara’s voice was clear and sweet. “And I was right when I decided to stop by.”

Almost with shame, Billie fixed her gown a bit, but if someone asked her it was because she was getting cold. As much as she was warm and cozy inside her apartment, it was pretty much late autumn outside. Dara crossed her arms under her chest, her bracelets clinking ever so soft yet for Billie’s ears was loud enough, and she waited for the blonde to speak again.

“So...are you letting me in or are you going to catch a cold because you’re in short pajamas, on your doorstep, in the middle of November?” Dara put behind her ears two locks of hair and then Billie saw how adamant she was about what she was saying.

“I’m not in the mood for anything,” Billie warned and she could see how Dara’s soft features hardened. “I’m quite busy, in fact, need to concentrate, need silence, ne-”

“Billie Dean,” Billie looked at Dara again right in the eyes, because it was rare to hear her full name from the younger woman’s lips. “What you need is a shower, something to eat and to take a fucking nap,” her voice had this edge on it that made Billie feel her cheeks get warm, out of shame once again.

"Seriously, I've lots of things to do for the program, we are about to get the pilot and we can't fail, I can't fail," Billie was trying too hard to push away Dara, to not let her see the mess inside the apartment - because yeah, she saw in her way to the door the fucking mess that it was. "The crew is counting on me."

"Well, and I was counting on them to keep you sane and healthy but look at you," Dara then played with her car keys in her left hand, making Billie to focus briefly on how her rings clinked along them. "I promise you that once you get a break, I'll help you with everything that's left, okay? Let's put my secretary course to use."

Billie stood there for a few seconds, trying to discern if Dara was being serious at all, and it was perfectly clear - by her posture, how she kept looking directly at her, how her voice didn't raise and kept the soft undertone even when it was obvious Billie's behaviour was getting under her skin - that she was, in fact, worrying deeply about her.

God, even the way Dara was looking at her, those big warm brown eyes looking at her like she was looking right into her soul? As if she could see that she did need all of that, but was too stubborn to admit it.

She couldn’t say no to such a thing.

So Billie only moved aside to let her lover in, not saying a word, but feeling how her chest burned with a strange sensation that was pushing the need of crying into her. Dara didn’t say much after that, smiling sideways and giving her a cuddle in her cheek with two fingers.

The moment Dara started to move around the apartment it was like the sun was coming in, even when it was terribly cloudy outside. All Billie could do was follow her like a lost puppy, she felt that vulnerable, but Dara never judged her upon seeing the mess around her. She was wearing her uniform from the dinner she was working in, the dress Billie only saw her in once, but she didn’t seem to actually care while going around and opening windows.

“Why don’t you take the shower now?” Dara suggested after cleaning Billie’s desk in a few quick moves. “I’m gonna check what’s in your fridge to make you something.”

“I don’t think there’s a lot,” Billie said, a mix of more shame and confusion laced in her words.

“It’s okay lovely,” Dara smiled and Billie thought for a second she was breathless, because she was unable to say something coherent. Her hands went to Billie’s cheeks, caressing with her thumbs and then pressing a kiss to her lips. Now that she was thinking about it, she actually missed her. “Let me take care of it, okay? You just don’t worry, I got you.”

If we were being honest here, Billie would have tried to form some kind of answer, some kind of witty remark or even something to say back, but all she could do was to kiss Dara once again, with all that warmth that was pushing in her chest and everything. Only a sweet giggled moan from her lover managed to make her break the kiss.

“Just go, come on.”

And now, more like a love sick puppy, Billie let herself indulge. When was the last time someone had cared about her like that? Not even her father, who was still pretty much alive, was so adamant on checking up on her. Not her sister, not her mother. But Dara was there, just fucking there when none asked her to be, cleaning her mess and just...just being her.

When did she win the lottery like that without noticing?

Once she was out of the shower, several minutes later, the faint smell of food made its way into the bathroom, in between the lavender scent and the soft almond one of her cream, and Billie realized she was way too hungry. Maybe all that coffee was enough to keep her alive, but it wasn't nutritious at all. With only her bathrobe and her wet hair, Billie made a straight bee line towards the kitchen and the view there...well, let's say, it totally dumbfounded her.

Dara had pulled her short hair in some sort of tiny ponytail, her rings and all lying on the counter to not be a bother, and she was humming to a song while cooking. Billie didn't know if she actually had rice, but there was some boiling in a pot, while Dara was stirring something in a pan, something that smelt like veggies and the Pekinese duck's leftovers she had from a couple days ago.

It was such a view? It made Billie feel like something was exploding in her chest and, without knowing, she felt her body move without a clear order from her brain just to envelope her lover from behind. Dara didn't startle at all, and one of her hands soon found its way over Billie's, which was over her stomach. Billie wanted to cry at that point, but she contained herself, enough to just let go a tiny whine that got lost in between Dara's shoulder blades thanks to their height difference.

"How was the shower?" asked Dara with a sweet voice and not stopping from what she was doing. "Feeling a bit better?"

"I do, it's like all the cobwebs in my brain melted," Dara chuckled at that and brought one of Billie's hands to her lips, kissing several times her knuckles with...love? "What are you doing?"

"My father always said rice with some beans was the way to go, so I asked your neighbour for a cup of beans after I discovered some rice in your cupboard," Billie took a peek over her lover's shoulder while she was explaining. "But I also overheard my mother yelling that wasn't enough, so I dug in your fridge to find some leftovers, so here we are," Billie couldn't help but leave a kiss in Dara's nape, making her hum contentedly. "I hope you like this monstrosity I'm cooking."

Billie wanted to say that she was going to like anything Dara cooked for her because she did it specially for her. Even if it was just some plain omelette, she would eat it like it was the most delicious thing.

So when, together, they managed to set the 'table' in the kitchen counter, Billie just kept at taking the 'sunlight' bath that being with Dara meant. She let her feed her, she let her talk about her day and things that made her mind to relax just for the sake of it, and she found herself loving every second of it? The feeling in her chest getting bigger and warmer and filling her with a kind of happiness she wasn't used to...but that she was growing to love.

And she was trying to push Dara away, when she made her feel that she was there, living on Earth but feeling like she was in cloud nine.

For a second she doubted if she was really tired enough to take a nap, but it only took her a couple kisses and a tiny remark glance to remember that yes, she really needed it. She was about to pass out on the couch when Dara lied down by her side, hugging her as she could, taking in count how tiny Billie's couch was, and she couldn't help but indulge once again in the other woman's presence. The earthy scent in her skin, the way her own skin trembled softly with a strange static, her breathing and the beating of her heart.

Everything was like the best combination for Billie to just disconnect.

That's why she didn't even notice how Dara moved from her position holding her to go and check all the work she had done so far, to correct some numbers and lines here and there so they made actual sense. And that's also why she asked her not to go home that night, to stay with her, when she woke up alone on the couch - bundled in a blanket - and only needed to move her head enough to see Dara in the office, soft features deep in concentration while typing on the laptop.

Was it strange to think about how much the other woman made her feel? Like, everytime she crossed glances with Dara something hot - not warm, pure hotness in the pit of her stomach, burning her in a pleasant yet unknown way - swirled inside of her, asking her for more.

Not more in a sexual way - and that for a fact they had it covered really well -, more in a 'I want to stay close to you' way, more in a 'why are you so cute when you smile?' way, more in a 'what are you doing to the cold and unapproachable Billie Dean Howard?' way. Billie, while walking behind Dara, hands on her neck and shoulders while pressing a tender kiss in the crown of her head, thought that she wasn't really minding those new ways. Upon hearing Dara's giggle because she tickled her ear without noticing, she didn't feel like missing her past lovers or even the need of finding a few more.

Billie felt that it was more than okay if Dara stayed like that, as her only priority in the field, for a little longer.

Why couldn't she indulge in what she believed was the beginning of love a bit more before everything went downhill like always?

June, 2014.

Days like those made Billie always want to just disintegrate into oblivion and become part of the universe in some kind of magic oniric way.

She could handle very long days of shooting, going places, getting things done here and there and being able to communicate with people in a more physical way; however, office days were basically Hell. How come she grew to hate making calls and typing at her laptop for hours? That’s what she did for a great part of her twenties and early thirties...well, maybe that’s why she kinda hated it, but the point was that she hated being behind a desk.

With all her dark and terrible soul.

Billie couldn’t help but chuckle with that last thought, making her way to her apartment. That was a running joke between her and the crew after two years of being together, mostly because sometimes Billie was too harsh or had a more realistic approach to everything and clashed with everyone else in the room. But there was someone she knew that couldn’t agree with that, not even in a joking tone.

Crossing the front door in silence, she slightly got startled by the sound of the washing machine along the television, making her stop dead in her tracks for a second.

Three weeks already and she still didn’t get used to her new normalcy for the time being.

However, she felt herself soften at the view once she turned her head to scan the living room. Said view was none else but Dara, her lover for the last four years, sleeping soundly in the, probably, most uncomfortable position ever which was with her legs draped over one side of the single sofa, a comic issue over her face and her arms acting like some sort of blanket by the way she was hugging herself in her sleep.

The stress of not finding a job nor a new apartment was too much for her, Billie noted, that she always fell asleep right away due to all the tiredness accumulating in her body.

It had been an awful surprise knowing that Dara had been sleeping in her car and crashing on friends' couches for a week because she was kicked out of her tiny apartment, after not being able to pay due to losing her job and not telling Billie anything about it. Everything happened the month prior, so you could see how well Dara could hide something like that or how bad Billie was at noticing stuff when it came to her. But the important part in all of this was that, after discovering the situation, she had made Dara stay with her and save her lots of worries until she was back on her feet again.

"Cute…" Billie felt herself chuckle lightly, placing her bag on the coffee table and then getting the comic out of Dara's face skillfully slow. "Too cute for your own good."

And once she placed the issue in the coffee table as well, Billie couldn't help but sit there and...and just admire her sleeping beauty.

As of lately she had caught herself doing that, just observing Dara in the most unexpected moments. Her mind had been buzzing so hard with stress that doing such a simple thing calmed her for some reason. The lazy mornings that they had, watching Dara do her tiny ‘beauty’ routines, having someone alive around reminding her that she was pretty much living, not that much take out food anymore, the warmth of her body in both innocent and not that innocent way by her side in bed, the happiness Dara radiated the second she put a feet in the apartment…

...God, that was melting Billie’s heart so fast and so good.

Billie stretched a bit her neck, letting go a deep sigh while focusing on her heels to have something to do. Almost forty years she had and only a handful of times she felt something similar. Similar because this...love she was developing for Dara was on another level, one that she never explored before even when she could identify her own cues.

Being honest, that was also stressing her a bit, but at the same time her overthinker big brain was starting to wonder what if they stayed like this. What if Dara didn’t have to leave? What if they kept this ‘house-play’ and see where it was leading? What if she wanted Dara to never worry again about not having, at least, a roof over her head? What if…?

“Hmm…” Billie’s eyes shot up upon hearing the soft sound of Dara starting to wake up, looking at the not anymore asleep woman through her fingers because somehow she was covering her face with both hands. “Billie?”

“Were you waiting for someone else?” Billie couldn’t help herself from using her own humor to cover all the stress she just put on herself.

“Tonta,” Dara chuckled, still half asleep, but she reached for Billie the same with her right hand, both lacing fingers as if they did that since forever. “For you, always,” she closed her eyes again, trying to stretch a bit before looking at Billie with droopy eyes and a cute pout in her lips. “Sorry I don’t have dinner ready.”

“Don’t be,” Billie smiled tiredly at Dara and checked her wristwatch. “We can get some thai, don’t you think?” She traced with her thumb Dara’s knuckles and, without breaking the contact, Billie stood up and got closer so she could lean and kiss her forehead. “Tired day?”

“Thai is perfect, extra spicy,” Now it was time for Dara to take advantage of the situation and when Billie was kissing her forehead, she circled her waist unexpectedly to pull her into her lap after getting a bit comfier. “But yeah, I got like two interviews today and then I went all the way to Sunland to see a place,” Dara nuzzled her nose in Billie’s neck, leaving a big soft kiss there that made Billie’s heart squeeze. “I don’t think they’ll get me in one, but the lady in this shop seemed pretty impressed when she knew I could read my cards.”

Billie had to stop herself from rolling her eyes, mostly because she still thought Dara could be much more than that. She respected Tarot, she respected Dara’s beliefs...yet she couldn’t help herself to think how that was of such caliber. Billie knew Dara had practically the same gift as her, she had seen her using it every time they visited Constance’s house, so she couldn’t come up with a reason for her to not make a career path of it.

“Is that so?” Billie raised her hand to put a lock of hair behind Dara’s ear. “How was the place at Sunland?”

“Yeah, but if that lady decides to not get me...well, I should keep looking for a job,” Dara sighed and Billie’s heart hurt a bit. “And the place at Sunland...was a room, actually. It was a nice one, for sure, but the people who also lived there…” Dara clicked her tongue and shook her head. “Me dio yuyu.”

And after that, while Dara kept talking about her trip to Sunland, it left Billie room to think about why she was getting so distressed by the fact of wanting to pursue more with the cutie pie she managed to have sitting in her lap after a few minutes, changing their positions. She was merely listening to what Dara was saying, taking advantage of the new position to let her hands wander over soft thighs and nice butt, and finding some sort of solace and comfort in being so intimate with someone else.

Feeling Dara fit so well against her body, her soft kisses making her feel all the stress slipping away...Billie’s eyes closed to indulge in all of that, a pleased tiny smirk covering her lips as Dara’s cuddles were getting more slow and intense.

“Don’t go Annie, stay with me here,” saying those words left Billie breathless, ice spreading right away through her lungs. “Only worry about getting a job.”

Billie knew Dara was still on top of her because all her warmth was intensifying for some reason, trying to melt away the cold that was trying to settle in her. She couldn’t open her eyes, afraid of the response, because she never did that, being forward with what she wanted. It made her feel about to cry, being completely honest.

Because what she wanted was to explore going further with the first woman she felt that deep connection.

Dara’s right hand was still resting in her neck, thumb caressing there, and her face was hiding as well on the other side, because Billie could feel her breathing ever so soft and warm against the patch of skin Dara had been leaving a hickey. Then she felt her lover move enough and her left hand went to her neck as well, Billie feeling how Dara was holding her head in place, indexes massaging right behind her ears - where she always felt a never-ending tension - and thumbs caressing her jaw.

“Amor, mírame,” Billie knew little to nothing about spanish, but she had listened to Dara enough during the last four years to at least understand a bit...however, opening her eyes was really hard right now. “Bills.”

“Yeah?”

She still had her eyes closed, but Dara was trying to coax her to open them by getting closer again and kissing her cheeks until Billie found herself doing it little by little. What she found before her was the softest expression she ever saw in Dara, slight concern in the way she was frowning softly.

“Are you sure about this…?” there was worry laced in Dara’s voice and Billie hated it, hated that she was worrying about it. “Like, do you really want me to stay?”

Billie wanted to scream on top of her lungs that yes, she wanted nothing more than that. Dara didn’t move from her lap and Billie was thankful, because her hands pulled her closer by taking a good hold of her ass. It made Dara yelp, surprised, and Billie laugh to let go of the anxious and feral feeling.

“I am, I do,” she leaned to kiss Dara’s neck and then bite her softly. “Our house, you and me, sounds good enough to not go to Sunland?”

It totally did, making it even more clear when Dara’s hips moved against her.

“Yeah, totally, I stay,” Billie felt her whole body react from the inside out, any cold left replaced by a raging fire. “But Billie?”

“Hmm?”

“If you call me Annie once more, I think I’ll cum right away, no touching needed.”

October, 2015.

Talking with Ginebra, her investor for the show, was always a conversation that Billie awaited with good spirits - joke totally intended.

The woman was a pleasure to work with, she was invested in every part of the show and, since day one, always treated Billie like her own child for some reason. Billie thanked finding someone like her, being honest, because she always made her feel listened no matter what they were talking about.

This semester’s meeting had started like every other, early in the morning. Gin liked to spend the whole day with Billie, doing whatever she had to do for the day and talking like they were merely friends instead of having a professional relationship. They got coffee, went to the tiny meeting room to see where they were filming next, go over some practical stuff and then, now in reality, they were getting lunch in Billie’s office.

Everything was going fine, Gin even asked about Dara, which made Billie smile like a fool in love and Gin pointing it out, good laugh and according blush along.

Everything was fine, until it wasn’t.

They were talking about some banal stuff when someone knocked hurriedly on Billie’s door. Everyone in the crew knew that Billie didn’t usually like to be interrupted when she was with Ginebra, so the first thing she did was look at her companion apologetically before saying a tired ‘come in’ before taking a drag of her cigarette.

“What’s the matter Piper?” Billie didn’t look directly at her assistant, smiling lightly to Ginebra first. “Jean dropped a lightbulb again?”

When she finally looked at Piper, Billie felt her smile freeze on her face upon being hit by a wave of fear and worry coming from the girl. Piper seemed to have ran all the way from wherever she was to the office, clearly showing in her ragged breathing, and was clutching her phone against her chest.

“No, it’s- Billie, I-”

“Take a deep breath hon,” Gin suggested while Billie stood up from her chair. “She’s not gonna eat you alive.”

“It’s the hospital, they want to talk to you,” her eyes were a mirror of all those waves of feelings Billie was getting. “Dara got into a car accident.”

To say that Billie entered in an automatic state, was an understatement.

Getting into the phone was hard, listening to the nurse telling her the whole context of the accident and trying to suck all the anxiety up in order to get there as soon as possible. But the fact that Gin had to take her car keys from her trembling hands, gave away that she wasn’t doing a great job at it, even worse when she wasn’t able to say something until they were at the hospital reception.

In her head, Billie was replaying and burning every second of memory she had of Dara from that very same day, letting Ginebra guide her body around the corridors.

They’ve started with a lazy morning, both waking up way too early to start their day and deciding to just spend those blissful forty-five minutes kissing and sleepy talking, hands teasing but too comfy to actually act on the tease. Dara had made coffee for her afterwards and Billie just hugged her from behind meanwhile, talking about what they were going to do in their day. She had complimented Dara a lot when she played a bit dress up so Billie could pick her outfit, because they sometimes did that, and it earned her the promise of a surprise once she was back later in the night.

So good and so peaceful for once, that Billie was feeling herself glitch with the thought of this reality.

It wasn’t of any help that she had to wait to see Dara. That was what truly sent her spiraling into her usual overthinking, having Ginebra lead her to a chair from the waiting room and try to make her react in some other way that wasn’t trying to chomp off her acrylic nails or digging a hole on the tile with her heel.

“You know she’s strong,” Gin said while resting her arm on Billie’s shoulders, the comfort of the gesture being heavy on her. “She’s gonna get through it, dear.”

However she wasn’t sure about it an hour later, when they finally let her see Dara after they moved her to a room after getting out of surgery.

Billie’s insides twisted in such an unpleasant way that she had to hold herself onto Gin because her knees got weak. Until that second everything felt a bad dream, a nightmare she wasn’t able to wake up from but mixed with the feeling that she wasn’t living it at all, but when her eyes scanned Dara’s figure…

God, it truly sent her downhill.

There, laying still in bed and connected to way too many things, clad in hospital gown, bandages and her skin not glowing like everyday. The neck brace sent a shiver down her own spine and her eyes went to both her legs, left one on a cast and right one on a bigger brace directly attached at her hip.

Her heart was totally ripped out of her chest in that very moment.

“Excuse me?” She couldn’t look away from Dara but Billie felt Gin moving by her side when the nurse came back. “I brought her pertenances, this is everything she had on herself and what they brought after from the wreck,” Billie was starting to feel like she was fading, having to support herself on the end of the bed with a hand. “Whenever she’s awake, please do call me, okay?”

“Of course, thank you,” Gin was polite and kind with the nurse and getting reminded that she wasn’t alone was what prevented Billie from passing out. “Billie, darling, are you…?”

“I’m okay, I’m okay,” she doubled her response to ground herself, recovering the facade, passing her hand over her mouth for a second before turning around to look at Ginebra and take Dara’s stuff from her hands. “I need to go home and bring things she might need back, I need...I need to call…” Billie stuttered when she felt the facade didn’t last more than a few seconds, finding it really hard to keep on talking because her eyes watered fast and her throat closed. “The insurance, where her car is...” she closed her eyes and took a deep breath that didn’t even help. “...I, Gin, work, her parents and…”

Billie felt hopeless and helpless the second everything came to her like a tidal wave. Raw fear translated into tears that made the other woman to hug her tightly. This nightmare that came true, the fact that something bad had happened to Dara, was enough to make Billie cry her eyes out while holding onto Ginebra as if her life depended on it.

Like a short-circuit that made her revert into a state she had been hiding and pushing back for almost five years, even before meeting Dara and becoming the Billie that she hated the most.

When Gin managed to calm her down enough and told her she was going to their apartment so Billie didn’t have to move from Dara’s side, Billie finally went through Dara’s belongings. The only clothing item there was Dara’s wool jacket, then her purse - with most of the stuff trashed -, and then the tiny pieces of jewelry that she wore that day. Bracelet, two of the four rings she wore daily and her gold necklace, with the gold cross and the Virgin of Fatima’s little medallion that had her initials and birth date behind.

Billie pulled the necklace out and tied it in her left wrist so she could wear it as some sort of bracelet form, leaving the paper bag against the wall before pulling the chair there and placing it by the bedside. She was afraid of touching Dara, or harming her in some way, but Billie managed to do it carefully so they were connected. Even like this, Dara’s touch was warm and welcoming and Billie felt her tears start to fall again.

She had to call Dara’s parents to tell them, she had to call and do so many things, but in that moment Billie could only think that she almost lost what was the most dear to her. Lately she had been wondering how much her love was developing, growing and learning, but that the situation broke her facade, her attempts of getting her shit together to not fall apart, told her enough.

Told her that she wasn’t unbreakable like she always thought, that she could get out of any situation by the sheer willpower of her stubbornness and the many things in her head that she didn’t fix for all her life.

Told her that now, something inside her head, knew that she wasn’t alone anymore.

That she had someone she, finally, worried so deeply about.

Was this what Helena yelled at her about six years ago, when they broke up so messily and terrible?

“Let me take care of this, okay? You just don’t worry, I got you,” Billie felt herself whisper that, so soft and tiny, like a memory from every time Dara had taken care of her. “I got you, I do Annie…”

I got you, I love you.

Billie couldn’t say that out loud, not in this situation, not when she was feeling that anything she said in the hospital would be jinxed. But she was feeling her love for Dara burning her inside like thousand suns, as if the mere thought of leaving her side would make her combust, the mere thought of doing anything else but loving her girl would make some God up above them smite her.

So she put in the back of her mind anything she needed to get done until Dara was awake, her lips pressed to Dara’s hand and trying to calm herself, stay vulnerable with the only person in the world she could be vulnerable around, and then go back little by little to the broken facade in order to get things done.

Dara, when she opened her eyes and felt like a whole zoo walked over her, didn't have the heart to comment about Billie’s messed up make-up and terrible face because all she could sense was not only the worry and sadness, the anxiety, that Billie was feeling.

She was also getting the bits of love she knew they were there all along.

May, 2016.

If there was one thing Billie loved about going to visit Dara’s parents is that they always ended up cuddling in the lower bunk of Dara’s old shared room. Even when later her back would kill her, she loved it the same because she gotta have her darling girl close.

Today was one of those days Dara had finally managed to fall deeply asleep and Billie knew it just by the way she had found the perfect place to hide her face in her chest and didn’t bother in moving her trapped arm between their bodies. Her breathing was a bit heavier as well and when Billie’s lips brushed softly against her skin - wherever she could, forehead, temple, cheek -, Dara curled better against her and hummed a little in her sleep.

The knowledge, little unconscious cue, was enough to send a wave of warmth all over Billie.

That made her feel not so tired, because when one of them managed to get a good night of sleep the other tended to have the opposite. Thankfully it wasn’t Billie’s first time being restless, so the only thing she got herself busy with while being unable to close her eyes and nap was to caress Dara’s back lightly and fix the blanket over them.

Being honest, it was the first time in seven months she felt she had a real break and some room in her head to think.

After the accident, Dara needed a lot of help for everything and Billie had provided to the best of her capacity. She still did, thus why not far away from the bed there were her crutches, so it was an everyday kind of battle to get better. And they were getting through this together, which only made Billie feel how the love she had for the younger woman grew more and more everyday it passed. It had been hard watching her partner cry in silence when it hurt too much to handle, it had been hard every time Dara had apologized for being a ‘burden’, but at the same time it gave Billie a way to channel all the unsaid feelings she had for Dara, all those things she was so afraid to show.

Feeling that finally she was reciprocating everything Dara did for her made Billie feel on top of the world, even when she was exhausted.

I wonder what you are dreaming about, thought Billie, lips pressed softly to Dara’s forehead. Maybe of me…?

Billie wanted to giggle to herself because of that. In forty-one years that she had, she didn’t have many of those inner questions in her repertory, but being with the younger girl in her arms had put them in.

Lost in her thoughts, Billie didn’t really check the hour on her phone, so when the bedroom’s door opened it startled her. It made her move enough for Dara to finally move as well from her position, rolling in her back and head facing the side opposite to where Billie was.

“Mom is making pancakes,” Dayanara, Dara’s little sister, didn’t notice right away that her sister wasn’t awake but finding Billie looking at her directly was what made her lower her voice. “Do you want some or you’ll wake my…?”

“I’ll go, just let your sister rest,” Billie said while trying to figure out how to not wake Dara in the process of getting out of bed, taking in count she was on the side of the wall. “Ahm, can you give me a hand, please?”

Leaving Dara, all alone and cuddling where Billie had been lying, was hard though, but the promise of food had made her stomach grumble with hunger. Which was funny, because it was really difficult to feel hungry at Dara’s parents’ since they always cooked a lot and...

“How is she doing in therapy?” Dayanara’s voice brought Billie back and she blinked a bit. “I saw Ana is still using both crutches.”

“Well, she’s getting stronger after the complication with her left leg’s healing, that’s for sure...but the therapist thinks she will have to use a cane in the end.”

“That’s...what does Ana think about it?” Billie frowned a bit, looking at her sister-in-law while they were going downstairs. “I know she likes to be always active and...well, just moving and doing stuff.”

“She joked that she would become a very distinguised gentlewoman with a cane addition,” Dayanara rolled her eyes, knowing her sister’s antics. “But I think she’s still processing the whole thing. You should ask her directly Dayanara,” upon the suggestion, Dayanara’s face got a bit scared. “She doesn’t bite, she’ll probably appreciate some encouragement words from you.”

And Billie did mean that, from the bottom of her heart.

Dara was really close with her family, she loved her siblings and cousins dearly and Billie hadn't seen her more happy than after being able to talk with a family member. But Billie had noticed that, with the accident, those calls didn't come as much as usual...or maybe it was that she was spending more time around her partner and picking some things up. More time around as in engaging with her in-laws more than the bare minimum, because Billie felt a bit helpless the few times they spent time together along the years and had tried to put some space in between them.

Looking into it, both her and Dara were a bit off with each others' families but Billie was the one having it worse, mostly because they didn’t live near them.

"How many will you want?" Carla's voice - Dara's mom - was this time what cut the conversation and when she turned around her smile relaxed upon seeing Dayanara and Billie on the kitchen's door. "Is Ana okay?"

"Yeah, she's still asleep," Billie was fast to respond, taking the chair by Jeziel - Dara’s father - and waving a bit to Bruno - Dara’s grandfather -, who nodded at her before going back to his reading. “She had a few days of trouble sleeping, so I didn’t want to cut it.”

“Mejor que duerma, lo merece,” Bruno said without lifting his eyes from the newspaper, reminding Billie of her own father, sliding one of the coffee-filled mugs towards Billie. “Coffee.”

“Gimme three,” Jeziel said to his wife, big smile on - and Billie knew right away who Dara got hers from - and then turned to look at Billie. “Three is good for you?” Billie nodded while taking a good sip to her coffee. “Six this way, love!”

Billie thanked Jeziel in her head because, out of the two, he was the one trying his hardest to make a connection with her. She could feel Carla’s hesitation and doubts coming out from her in waves, like when they stayed at her apartment for the time Dara was in the hospital, and Dayanara’s doubts and distrust just flowing freely as well. The only exception, of those present in the table, was Bruno, because from the moment they met he treated her fairly and as close as he could show.

She didn’t want to think about Deirdre and Diana, Dara’s older sisters, because the headache was pretty much a reality. Both rubbed off the wrong way to her the second Billie met them and the feeling, as much as Dara had tried to put her at ease, didn’t fade. And Darziel, Dara’s little brother, was another thing completely. Billie was older than him for almost twenty years, the gap too big to make something out of it, but he was a sweet boy and always tried to engage with her the same, which also Billie thanked.

“Dónde está este chico, de verdad,” Carla said with an annoyed tone, serving everyone food, before raising her tone higher than she even heard her own mother raise it. “Darziel, can you come down already!”

“Cedric said it was okay for him to go later,” Jeziel said with his mouth full, getting a hard look from his wife. “Honey, seriously, your brother can fend for himself well. You two spent forty minutes arguing about this, let papi sleep more.”

Ah yeah, Billie almost forgot Dara’s uncle and Dahlia’s father, Cedric, which lived there as well. He was a quiet man, pretty similar to his daughter, and Billie was as cordial with him as he was with her. Really reserved and with a permanent sad aura, Billie didn’t want to ask Dara about why he was like that.

“Mom, stop stressing over, it’s too early,” Dayanara sighed loudly after drinking some juice. “And I’ll already have to hear a lot of screaming at the hospital later, can’t we have a calm morning for once?”

“Okay, sure,” Carla sighed as loud as her daughter, but exasperated instead of tired, and sat down by Billie’s side. “I bet your mornings at your parents’ weren’t this loud,” she tried to chuckle at it and Billie put a good chunk of pancake on her mouth to just not reply right away. “Or you talked back like this girl here?” and with that swatted at Dayanara’s thigh playfully but Billie knowing there was some scolding in too.

“Ahm, well, yeah,” Billie was pretty eloquent when she was talking to her in-laws, but it was because she wasn’t sure how to put it without sounding...wrong. “My father was always gone by the time we were up, my mom already busy with her things, so there wasn’t muc-”

Like a saving grace, a loud voice cut Billie’s reply and made everyone look at the door’s direction.

“¡Señora, señor, señoritas y abuelo!” Darziel’s voice was so loud it made Billie’s flinch a bit. “With a hundred sixty pounds, five ten tall and the might of a bear, I present you my tata, which made it all the way here without any help!”

To accompany that statement, the view upon them was clear. Dara, still clad in her old silly pajamas, was walking slow and a bit unsteady towards them. Billie’s heart stopped and her mind went blank, the only thing her body managed to do was to stand up. Darziel was behind her, with both crutches and being back-up support if needed, and Dara gave Billie a reassuring look.

A look that totally said I got this, I do, I can do it myself.

It was the most painful waiting Billie did today, going back to her chair but her eyes never leaving her partner, her hands itching to reach and help. And while those minutes passed, all the love and warmth she had been feeling since early morning came back to her along with pride.

Pride because someone that clearly was having a really hard time - Dara’s face a mix of concentration and discomfort but determination all over it - and was trying to overcome it, strong as ever, was by her side and she had the luck to call her ‘mine’.

I love you, I love you and I won’t ever stop loving you.

Billie let Dara sit on her lap after Jeziel had hugged her daughter big and the rest applauded Dara’s strength to do such a thing. Bruno reached for her granddaughter’s hand there and gave her comforting pats while Billie passed her arms around Dara’s middle. She wanted to do more, she wanted to kiss her as big as she deserved and pamper her in love, but in front of the rest Billie toned it down by just kissing her lover’s nape.

“Seriously Darziel, it wasn’t necessary all the circus,” Dara was ashamed and Billie knew it by the tone of her voice, and that doing all of that spent all her morning energies. “Can I…?”

“Serve yourself babe, my plate is yours,” Billie mumbled that because she knew Dara wouldn’t drink coffee.

“It was!” Darziel was still loud, maybe a bit drunk in her sister’s accomplishment, but finally sat in a stool in between his dad and Billie, giving his sister a glass of juice. “You did it for me once, I owed you!”

“You were eight, Darziel!”

“And only sprained my ankle! But you put a whole show to make me feel better.”

The banter kept going back and forth during all breakfast and Billie decided to just be a passive part of it, getting fed from time to time a forkful of pancakes and sipping on her coffee. It was good to have Dara talk more, to interact with those whom she loved, and it only showed her once again how warm her girl could be in spite of whatever she was feeling.

And while they were chattering after Darziel left and Dara occupied his stool, it made Billie realize that there was something else hanging on the room thanks to having Darziel’s overwhelming energy out of it. It was subtle but Billie managed to pick at it, there was this flare of...envy? and also distrust again floating, disturbed by a neutral force that seemed adamant to drown it.

She didn’t comment on it, not when Dara was now focusing on her completely and asking if she wanted to meet with Dilania and Demelza, her cousins that were the same age as her, in the afternoon.

And she decided to not really do it either in the future, giving Dara a couple sweet pecks on the lips to say yes, because she thought the other woman didn’t need that extra worry over everything she already had.

April, 2018.

She fucked up.

God fucking damn it, she totally fucked up so bad.

Billie wanted to scream on top of her lungs an incoherent stream of words or a full blown scream able to fit all her feelings. But all she did was to rest her forehead on the steering wheel and think again on what she was going to say. She had prepared an entire speech with all her feelings, with the apology and with things she didn’t think about before; and she was so afraid to fuck things up more, it was unbelievable.

Looking through the windscreen, she fixed her eyes on the red door of Dahlia’s house. She had driven two hours to get there, to Santa Barbara, because of all places Dara had chosen her closest family member to stay with.

In Billie’s mind she didn’t think Dara would actually do it, going away like that. Maybe it was because their discussions never went further than taking their time in different rooms, so that was what made the situation more scary.

It brought back to Billie a dark feeling she only managed to identify because last time she got it, her...girlfriend at that time left forever.

When Billie got out of her car, only the keys in her hand because she didn’t want any distraction, she couldn’t help but check herself out in the side mirror. Nothing in her was flashy or that it seemed she just got out of work, plain jeans and shirt and her hair pulled up in a ponytail. Raw, all Billie Dean and nothing more, because if she wanted to fix this she needed to be sincere with both.

Today was probably the day the world, her world, would go away...as dramatic as it sounds.

Knocking three times on the door, Billie felt out of breath and her unusual anxiety going up, making her place her hand - with keys and all - in her nape and press to relieve some, the cold from the metal being awkwardly soothing. She felt like she was going to throw up, not gonna lie here, and that for her was really hard to achieve.

But the second the door opened and the first thing she saw was her girlfriend, clad in pajamas and her flowery robe, Billie felt breathless.

Oh God, I fucked up big, big time.

Dara looked...devastated and, even then, she managed to keep her composure enough to look at her right in the eyes. Eyes that were clearly red from crying, Billie felt the weird static hit her like a wave to show her all the fear, the tiredness, a void of sadness that the other woman was feeling in that moment. Billie wanted to reach for her, hold her in her arms and hide her away from the pain...pain that she herself inflicted.

A move from behind Dara caught Billie’s attention and Shelby’s blonde head appeared in view.

“I’m…” Billie needed to start talking, because Dara didn’t seem to want to do it. “Can we take...a walk? I want to talk with you.”

“Why?” Dara was direct like that, not moving much from her position aside from giving Shelby a gesture, telling her that she was okay without breaking eye contact with Billie. “Do you have something else to tell me that you didn’t two days ago?”

“Yeah, I do,” it wasn’t time for Billie to get stubborn or start to get annoyed because of the little jab in Dara’s tone. “I want to fix this Dara, and I need you to listen to me in order to do it.”

Billie knew that calling her ‘Annie’ right now wasn’t the ideal, because she knew what it did to Dara inside. Using her first name and, overall, be respectful of her limits, of whatever space she needed, was the right path to follow in this crusade she was leading. Dara took a deep breath and stepped back - giving Billie a heart-attack in the process -, just to put her trainers on.

“I don’t know what you will say,” Dara closed the door behind her and started to walk. “But it won’t hurt to listen.”

After fifteen minutes of walking, Billie finally decided to push through the empty feeling those words left in her. Dara didn’t seem to want to look at her, always keeping a bit of distance even when they were walking side by side, and it was making it hard to even take the step and talk.

“I...I’m sorry,” Dara hummed at that and Billie squeezed her own fingers nervously. “I truly am, I shouldn’t have said those things to you,” her throat felt tight and she couldn’t look at Dara while she was talking because she was afraid of being left speechless as well. “I should have listened to what were you trying to tell me, understand your position better instead of getting mad at you-”

“What did you need to understand when I’ve been telling you the same for years?” Dara cut her speech and it gave her a new rush of panic. “That only makes me wonder if you ever listened to me at all.”

“I do, babe, I do,” Billie heard the panic in her own voice. “It’s just that...I was so...I don’t want you to be unhappy or to worry about anything, I thought that it would be a good solution since you’ve been worried and anxious all these months and-”

“Billie, I’m not unhappy with my job! I worked my ass off for three years to be able to have a decent salary, to not have problems with hours so I can be home at a decent hour,” Dara’s voice had a tired tone in it. “I’m not anxious or worried because of work, it’s because I don’t know what to do with my life or what fucking part I play in yours anymore!”

And yeah, Billie’s rehearsed speech died just like that.

Dara walked a bit ahead of hers and Billie just watched her stop, paralyzed in the middle of the sidewalk. Her back facing her and building a wall between them, Dara hit the pavement with her cane two times and covered her mouth with her free hand.

“What are you...Dara,” Billie felt her system restart right away, her heart dropping with a painful beat to her stomach. “Part in my life? You are my-”

“Your what, Billie? Partner?” Dara mocked that word, clearly done at this point with it. “We have an anniversary because we just took the day of Tina’s wedding as such,” when she turned around to look at Billie, Dara was crying. “Your family thinks I’m a gold digger or whatever, that I’m with you because of your money when, in reality, I’m always the one worrying about it. My family...no, my own sisters think that I’m your fucking toy and you’re about to toss me aside,” Dara raised a finger. “I heard them and I cut my immediate family to the minimum until they fucking respect my choices, but I can’t do that with yours,” she tried to clean her tears and Billie’s chest got tighter. “You are the best at not noticing, ignore, the elephant in the room Billie, but I’m not and it’s hurting me too much at this point.”

“I thought you were...why didn’t you tell me?”

“When, Billie? When do I tell you?” Dara threw her arms to the air. “When you come home from filming for a few days and go away a few more later? When you’re not busy going everywhere instead of staying with me for a bit? When everything else in your life, your head, is more important than fixing our relationship?” Dara’s soft features were full of sorrow and the tears that she couldn’t stop. “Two days it took you to come here and talk to me, two days, Billie.” Dara whispered. “Everytime we got the slightest disagreement in the past, it was me reaching out to you to fix it, speaking up, sucking my opinion up in order to keep things going.”

Having all those things on display made Billie’s heart shattered the same way Dara’s did two days ago in the apartment, when Billie didn’t stop her from leaving. Everything was moving too fast for her, but she knew that it really wasn’t the case because everything had been building up from a long time ago.

It made her see that she should’ve been and done better.

“I’ve never loved anyone like I love you Billie,” Dara’s voice was a bit higher and she closed her eyes for a second. “And I always tell you because I don’t want you to forget it, and I always tell myself that one day you’ll tell me you love me back. Like, genuinely tell me those exact words and feel them mine,” she curled her hands into fists, holding on her cane. “But all that I think about, at this point, is why you keep bei-”

“Because I do as well!” Billie said that really loud, as if it was the right way to do it and let Dara know it finally. “I do, I do, I fucking do and will always do,” her voice went normal again. “You know I’m an absolute disaster, it’s not an excuse, I suck at being in a relationship but I want to do better for you, do better and be better...and it’s so hard?” Billie got closer to Dara but still didn’t dare to touch her. “You’re my third really serious relationship and the longest I had...and I still don’t know what I did to keep you by my side,” Billie felt herself tear up really fast, faster than she did while driving here. “You made me think of things I wasn’t thinking that much, of what if’s, and...and then you had the accident and-God, Annie, thinking about losing you was the worst thing that ever happened to me,” it slipped and not only made Dara cry harder but also made Billie start to cry as well. “You’re the constant that never fails in my life and I want to be that for you too...but I don’t know how,” Billie looked at her hands, blurred by her tears. “And it’s hard, really hard...I don’t know how you do it.”

“I don’t know either,” Dara said, voice affected by this at this point, trembling hands over her cane. “I’m just there, waiting, like I did my whole life,” Billie looked at her and Dara was looking down. “Things are hard, life is hard Billie, what else can I tell you? You’ve been here longer than me,” a little sad chuckle that made Billie shiver. “But I thought my love could handle everything, like always, and now I see that it didn’t...and I apologize too, because I should’ve made things easier for you as we-”

“No,” Billie finally touched Dara, holding her by her arms with a firm grip that managed to make the younger woman look at her. “I shouldn’t have let you do this alone,” she relaxed her hands over Dara’s biceps and lowered them to her forearms. “Maybe both have our share of blame in everything but it’s clearly me more than you,” a new wave of tears hit Billie. “And I want to fix this, I want to learn even when it’s hard...but I need…” Billie wasn’t one to ask for it and that’s why she struggled with that part in her initial speech. “I need...help. I think together we can make it,” Billie tried to smile even in tears. “I don’t want to lose you, because I...Annie, Dara, I love you. I don’t want to love anyone else but you and only you, so please...let me fight for this, for us, please...”

Being in the arms of your most loved one was a sensation Billie discovered she both loved and needed. Her voice broke in that last please, which was what made Dara to close the distance in between them once and for all, her arms around Billie to shield her from everything.

They were lucky Dahlia lived in a rather calm area by the beach, because making a whole scene there in the open wasn’t a thing they both liked much, being honest. Their discussions were always in a normal tone, maybe getting a bit louder when one was making a point, but this one was a whole different mess.

Dara managed to move both to a bench nearby and after sitting for a few minutes in silence, Billie holding onto Dara’s hand like her life depended on it, one of them finally said something.

“I’ve been thinking for two days straight how to let go of you,” Dara’s voice was a hurt whisper and Billie tightened the hold in her hand a bit. “I thought ‘this is an ultimatum, take it or leave it’ and I was preparing myself for the latter, I was mourning,” she chuckled a bit again. “And now…” she sighed and put her other hand over their holding hands so she could caress Billie’s reverse of the hand better. “What should we do, sugar…?”

“Try…?” Billie asked that and fixed her eyes in their hands, using her free one to rub her tired eyes.

“If we try, how do I know we won’t spend another eight years like this?” Dara looked forward and Billie couldn’t help but close her eyes tight, trying to not start crying again. “I’m being serious here Billie, I need to see a change. I can help you, I can change myself, I can do whatever is needed, but if I’m the only one again on it…”

“I understand, I know,” Billie nodded, feeling her opportunity about to slip through her fingers. “I promise I’ll do everything to show you this...us staying together is worthy.”

In that moment, Billie managed to finally look at Dara and it was completely different, as if she was looking at her for the first time in forever. She was wiping her tears with her sleeve, trying to calm her breathing at the same time, and almost shyly the sweet static that she always felt by just being near her girlfriend started to feel about all over her skin.

Why was Dara pretty even when she was crying?

But she said ‘okay’ in half voice after a few minutes of silent delivery and that sent Billie into crying harder again, which made her girlfriend hug her again to calm her down.

“You said it,” another tiny whisper not because she was shy, but because Dara was trying hard to calm herself, and then she bumped their shoulders together carefully after they went to hold hands again. “How did it feel, honey?”

It started as a giggle and then both were laughing tiredly, not letting go of their intertwined hands. Billie felt renewed, the sadness and the anxiety starting to slow down and the late afternoon sun making Dara glow again with what she almost lost.

She didn’t think her first genuine ‘I love you’ would show up in such a disastrous situation.

“Pretty great, actually,” she confessed with a smile only Dara and her spontaneous side could put on easily, looking first at her eyes and then at her lips. “Can I kiss you…?”

It would take a little while longer for Billie to get used to it, to trying to convey what she was feeling fully so both could work it out together, but in that moment everything felt as if the raging storm was finally calming down. As if everything would be totally fine as long as they were like that, together and never apart. They didn’t know, sitting side by side on that bench in Santa Barbara, that some more big challenges were ahead of their path.

“Jesus Christ, I thought you would never ask,” Dara sighed, the biggest smile on a second later, and then her fingers found their right place in Billie’s cheek. “Come here, I've missed you.”

But in the moment their lips touched...well, Billie didn’t fucking care what was about to come, she only cared about holding her girl and showed her how much she missed and loved her.

Epilogue. November, 2020.

Billie couldn’t help but smile at the marvelous view she had.

She was just fresh out of the shower, short pajamas on and barely spreading cream in her hands because she felt them a bit dry after the whole day at the beach, and she felt as if it was the first time she managed to rest after ten years. Too many things had happened along the years, but looking back at them, well, it made Billie put things in perspective.

It made her a better woman...or at least that’s what she wanted to believe.

The smile on her lips was hard to drop, even when she still had some nightmares almost every night since the incident at the Cortez, and seeing Dara sprawled in the middle of the bed only made it more difficult. Panties and an old pajama shirt, Billie’s, was the only thing on her and she was enjoying the fresh air that was coming from the open window. Rainy night after a couple days of nice weather was appreciated, actually.

They deserved this vacation, Billie wasn’t joking at all when she said she wanted to escape for a few days to Hawaii and just forget about everything at home, only the two of them enjoying each other.

It took her two weeks to plan everything and there they were.

Everything that also involved what was she hiding in one of the drawers of the nightstand.

Walking towards the bed, she didn’t want to interrupt the calm moment, so Billie just kept observing how pretty Dara was just like that. Natural and beautiful her, all the freckles, the tattoos, her scars. Dara only reacted to Billie’s presence when she climbed on the bed and went for a kiss first, slowly hovering over her and finally placing herself in between Dara’s legs.

“Hello,” Billie whispered with a soft laugh, feeling Dara react by placing her hands on Billie’s waist and pulled her closer, trapping her with her legs. “How’s my love doing?” she placed another soft kiss on her lips and then down her neck. “Did you miss me?”

“Terribly, I needed my hourly dose of you already,” Dara chuckled at that, closing her eyes and mewling ever so soft due to the attention given to her. “I was getting a bit sleepy, actually,” Billie felt her belly get warmer as her girlfriend caressed there with her fingers, which made Billie finally rest her body over Dara’s. “But staying awake is much better, yeap.”

“You swam too much today, I’m impressed you didn’t doze off the second you touched the bed,” Billie placed her arms better in each side of Dara’s head so they could be at the same level, kissing the tip of her nose. “But how so is that staying awake is much better, hmm?”

“Hello?” Dara raised an eyebrow and looked down, stating the obvious just like that. “I’m not missing any bit of you, miss Howard.”

Miss Howard.

It made Billie smile wider because of her plan, which she didn’t know how to start getting ahead of. She decided that it was best to keep kissing and making out lazily in bed, taking their time because they were in no rush.

Eventually, they ended up rolling and changing positions and Billie couldn’t wish for better, mostly because Dara was straddling her and really focused on marking her neck in her favourite spot, which was making Billie feel many different things that weren’t calm at all. In the past, this make-out session wouldn’t have lasted long, but with time she learnt to just lay back and enjoy.

“Marking what is yours, babe?” it was Billie’s time to chuckle when Dara finally withdrew enough and traced with her finger Billie’s neck. “Because I think you already made a point last night.”

“Hmm not clear enough,” Dara said, giving her a peck on the lips and then cuddling in Billie’s chest, making Billie wrap her arms around her and give her a kiss on the crown of the head. “I think we’ll traumatize Audrey once and for all, your ass is my masterpiece.”

“Well, my ass, my thighs and my neck,” Billie laughed and patted Dara’s ass a bit, another cuddle. “But yeah, I also thought that, I literally got carried away with your tits,” they both laughed at that.

“My stomach honey, where do my real tattoos even start?” Dara closed her eyes and Billie thought it was the moment to reach for the drawer, which was easy since they weren’t in the middle of the bed. “And to think that you weren’t big on this when we met, look at you now.”

“Well, you really made me rethink that,” Billie shrugged and pecked Dara when she moved her head to rest her chin over her chest, looking directly at her and making Billie to swiftly hide the...gift under the pillow. “Also, we still have like...three more days here.”

“Challenge accepted.”

That sent them both into a fit of giggles because they knew they would make the most out of these calm days. They’ve not only kept up with each other but with things they had pending, like the list of films they’ve been wanting to watch or shows; talking about stupid stuff was also on their list and their phones...well, that was almost forbidden - the decision coming from both.

Billie felt free for once and it was the best.

“Hmm, Annie?” Dara hummed, with her eyes closed again, waiting for whatever Billie was about to say. “I’ve been thinking these days about a couple of things,” Dara frowned a bit and spied in between her eyelashes how Billie was looking at the ceiling, biting her lower lip. “We’ve been through a lot of things in the time we have been together, many of them scary and weird and others simply were just nuts,” Dara’s chuckle rumbled deep in her chest, enough to make Billie feel it. “We talked about serious stuff, like when I asked you about...us having kids or when we were close to breaking up,” that earned Billie a kiss in the base of her neck. “And, well, all of that made me ask myself what was the next step for us...I mean, we have an apartment and a house, as haunted that is at the moment; and things are going...I won’t say great, but they’re going really well with our families,” now Dara was a bit more awake, a strange feeling swirling in her gut, a mix of fear and worry, that Billie noticed right away - being together more time meant they were even more connected through their powers. “I think the next step for us would be more like...double step, and there’s where it comes the second thing I’ve been thinking about.”

Dara moved to sit, minding her own weight to not harm Billie in any way, and Billie followed, so that way Dara was sitting on her lap and they were face to face just like that. Her hand moved under the pillow and Billie felt on fire, a pleasing fire, when her fingers felt the velvety box. Upon seeing it Dara’s eyes opened wide, watering, and both of her hands flew to cover her mouth, the tiny gasp she made both making Billie’s heartbeat go faster and her stomach explode in butterflies.

“I’ve never asked you properly to be my...girlfriend, it just happened,” it hurt Billie a bit saying that and Dara blinked faster to not let her tears ruin the moment. “Now it’s one of those things I regret the most, that’s why I wanted this to be as perfect as possible.” Billie took with both hands the red velvet box to show Dara the promise ring, her and only hers, tiny rubies over gold. “I know I can grow even more by your side because you make me want to be better, do better, and I love you in a way that none can even imagine, not even myself,” she chuckled at that and made Dara give a tiny moan. “That’s why...well, Dara Ann Lynch, Dara, my Annie...would you want to skip the girlfriend part to just entirely be my wife?”

For a second Billie panicked, because Dara had closed her eyes and started to cry, but then she finally reacted and Billie couldn’t help but let go a bit of that panic in a tiny yelp when her girl tackled them to bed again, all before being kissed on the lips big and deep.

“Yes,” Dara managed to say in between more kisses and getting air in her lungs to keep giving those. “Yes, please, yes,” Billie felt herself tear up but laughed instead, when Dara let go from a kiss.

“Okay, okay, just...Annie!” Billie giggled because Dara started to kiss her all over the face and only calling out her name was what made Dara to stop for a moment. “Give me your hand, please,” Dara sat up a bit and, still on her back, Billie pulled out the ring from the box to place it on Dara’s ring finger and sealed the deal with a kiss over it. “There you go, my love,” Billie felt her chest puff with pride when Dara stared at her own finger. “My fiance.” the words hung in between them so peacefully. “Lucky me you said yes, imagine you said no...oh God.”

“Why would I ever say no, silly?” Billie chuckled her anxiety away when Dara swatted her shoulder lightly. “Josephine and Roseanne are finally going to poison me...or choke me to death,” Dara laughed while trying to wipe her tears. “This means I finally have to kill you to get all your money, remember.”

“Only accepting murder by sex, thank you very much missy, have a nice night,” Billie joked and made both laugh again, because it was a recurring joke at this point between them. “Your sisters are going to have a heart attack as well.”

“Oh, I was counting on it, our sisters hand to hand to us doing whatever equals to that,” Darar rolled her eyes and then kissed Billie again. “So this was your plan all along, honey? Bringing me here and asking me to marry you with a tiny lie of vacation?”

“There was no lie, we did need the vacation, but the proposing part was omitted in order to achieve the surprise effect,” Billie embraced her fiance, hands starting to wander to better places when Dara started to be more intense in her affections. “Which I think I got just right.”

“More than right, you got it just perfect.”

With that, Billie felt the whole scene close, sealing it nicely and wrapping it on the best gift paper possible. Whatever it came, they would get through it, Billie knew that for sure - or at least that was the most her brain let her think in the moment, too busy undressing Dara from the two pieces of clothing she had. Every kiss over her skin, the light tugs and fingers pressing just right reminded her that she will spend the rest of her life like this.

And she was so fucking up for it.

However, there was a twist on their story that neither of them took in count.

Billie was, again, busying herself adding more length to the hickey on Dara’s chest when her girl finally said something more coherent.

“Let’s marry right after we land, I don’t want to wait,” Dara was breathless, mostly because Billie had moved her mouth over her left nipple. “Just us, only for us.”

“Witness?” Billie managed to say, after letting go with a soft ‘plop’. “Papers?”

“We do it later, my laptop,” Dara cradled Billie’s face with both hands and pulled her closer to kiss her on the lips. “Audrey, Jordan, Wendy, pick one.”

“Audrey, let’s do Audrey,” Billie groaned and it sent them both into another place. “Rings?”

“Tomorrow,” they both nodded before going for another kiss. “Honeymoon?”

“We are on it babe, but we’ll take another one later.”

Outside of it, everything was an absolute mess, even Audrey was confused - oblivious of what was going on - when she got a message after days from Billie telling her to be formally dressed at her apartment the same day they arrived from their vacation, but complied the same. They didn’t think about how Christmas would be the day the rest will officially know, not even the absolute chaos related to it because many things were about to happen that year around those dates.

But there, in that hotel room, everything just made sense.

Because as long Dara was by her side, Billie knew everything was going to be alright.

#billie dean howard x original character #dara ann lynch #billie dean howard #american horror story #the originals

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