Fuckin RSD through the roof. I wasn’t even told off, just corrected for my volume and it hit me straight in the gut lol

Uniform is actually so triggering wtf

Last time I’ll ever have to wear uniform. We can do this. And quit with the fight or flight.

The winds have changed and fuck it, I’m gonna give it another go.

Perhaps I am just as insane as you. Am I deflecting or has this brewing for some time? We shall see where this goes.

Reading through the only messages of the group chat I had with Sam and tech archived on WhatsApp. It was all such a fucking shit show. I kind of wish I had the evidence of tech’s messages but you can only know what they did to me that day with my own memory of the context.

The way I was talking, my texting patterns. They were so not me. I was a shell of myself. I was so scared of stepping in the egg shells.

This time last year. All these things happened. Soon, I won’t be in trigger season and I can enjoy my summer. God I feel violated.

We joke about me being a rescue to the friend group but sometimes I actually do feel it. I’m so glad I got rescued but I really am just a timid dog that is very easy to scare and looses trust in people too easy.

Fully expect to have to start from scratch again and go back to my old ways a little bit. I let myself get too comfy

HURT ME SO THAT I DONT HAVE TO DO IT MYSELF.

(What the fuck is wrong with me)

I can’t tell if I’m reacting this way becuase it’s justified or because it reminds me of the past. It always started with “I’m not mad.” Into constant using it against me. Sometimes I wish it was physical rather than psychological abuse just so that it would be over quicker. It doesn’t burn a hole into your mind like the psychological ways do. One wrong move and your back to square one. Beaten back into my senses, perhaps. But I wasn’t granted that kind of release.

Maybe she wouldn’t be suffering if I kept my mouth shut.

This is why I should stop going to things.

Go back to how it used to be.

Go back to tech and Sam. I’m sure they’d love that. Unlike most people, at the click of a button I can find them again. They can abuse me as much as they want just so that I can feel something again.

I’m so good at blowing things out of proportion.

How long until I give up the multi-code name facade? Every now and then I think it’s stupid and don’t remember why I’m doing it. Why keep that aspect of my life secret? Probably for {REDACTED}’s benefit. Or is it my own? Is it too scary to have everything out in the open? I don’t think I want to have that part of my life common knowledge because it was too vulnerable in the past.

I’m just being self destructive. I’m not allowed to make any decisions until this episode passes.

People make mistakes but I’m not allowed to make them. I don’t need to be punished becuase I rip myself to shreds far better than anyone else could.

I’m just triggered

But I can’t help but wish I didn’t go. I think that would have benefited everyone involved here.

THIS IS THE KIND OF ADRENALINE THAT PEOPLE HAVE BEFORE THEY KILL THEMSELVES PUPPY. DO YOU WANT THAT? HM? FUCKING HORE

I need to find new forms of punishment because I can’t make my physical health worse. I could go back to old reliable but I’m running out of space and it’s summer. I’m sick of drawing attention to myself with the amount of kids I get asking what’s up with my skin. Every now and again I’ll go back to restricting but I’ve just gotten to the point of recovery where my cycle is normal again. I refuse to use sex as punishment to myself, I’m actively trying to mend that. Sleep deprivation just causes further triggering of flashbacks (but maybe I deserve that). I could remove myself from everything and go “missing” that would be good. But that feels too attention seeky for my liking. I JUST WANT TO SUFFER BECUASE I DONT KNOW HOW TO REACT NORMALLY.

I know there are better solutions but I don’t fucking want them. They don’t provide the results I want. I want to fuck it all up. Becuase things can’t be stable for too long. I don’t deserve that.

“It’s only weird if you make it weird”

WELL DONE PUPPY YOU MADE IT WEIRD BY PROXY AND NOW MIRROR IS OVER THINKING IT. can’t help but think how different it would be if I left it.

The answer is: we both overthinking it and teeth probably isn’t thinking about it at all

Slowly realising that I’m gonna have to temporarily abandon my enjoyment for degrading and rough scenes so that I can factory reset my brain after the assault. The therapy is slowly helping (despite it coming to an end) and I know I should focus on more scenes that are praise oriented until I can slowly introduce more “hard core” kink back into my sex life.

It sucks that I have to reset my own preferences temporarily becuase of the actions of someone else. But here we are.

Am I a bad person for going to a past friend’s birthday party? I’m not the only one going. I don’t hate shill but I don’t like what they say about one of my closest friends. I hate it when people are two faced but am I just throwing stones in my glass house here? Idk. It feels wrong.

Call me the fuckin weirdo but shit talking your ex while simultaneously having them throughout your saved instagram stories is a bit strange babe.