oboevallis
Oboevallis
she/her@reagans-comfort
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back to square one
TW/CW- relapse, feelings of worthlessness, hopelessness
This was the final straw, if things couldn’t get any worse, here she was walking away from the first person who truly got her brain. Lethargically she made it to her office and got prepared to leave, and then made the treacherous walk to her car. Her hand lingered on the door handle. Her brain feeling like it was encased in fog. Eventually she made her way back to her apartment. She couldn’t decide if it was good or bad that she didn’t have Scout tonight. After opening the door she dropped her keys in a small painted pottery bowl her and Kai made together at an art studio, everything in her life was tainted by Kai’s presence. She sighed as she draped her coat over the couch. After taking a look around the apartment she was once so happy in, she headed over towards the cabinet beneath the sink. As she sit down on the cool tile floor she felt as though she was gonna cry. She rummaged through the detergent bottles and toxic cleaners, until she found the bottle she was looking for. A wine bottle, one of her new neighbors gifted to her as a welcome present, unknowingly. Why she kept it she didn’t know, she said it was for any guests who may come, maybe deep down her knew this would happen. She held the bottle for awhile, contemplating. She’d been sober for so long, she couldn’t even remember what it felt like to be drunk. But it was the only thing she craved for, to forget, to drown out her thoughts, to not feel as lonely. Her mind was racing a million miles a minute, she knew this was wrong. After coming so far she owed her self more, but she couldn’t handle her mind. She hoisted herself up and poured the wine into one of Scout’s sippy cup cause children’s dish-ware was pretty much all she had. As she brought the cup up to her lips she hesitated, her conscious telling her to stop at all costs, but there was a voice begging her to just take a sip. That one sip because two, which became the whole bottle. Once realizing what she did she slammed the glass bottle into the sink and fell the the ground. How did this happen? How did she allow this to happen? She swore she was never going to touch alcohol after Meredith’s attack, and before that the death of her firstborn. Her firstborn, she swore she’d stay sober for him, now for her son. She just couldn’t do it anymore, neither of them needed her. She felt worthless, she didn’t matter to anyone in her life anymore. Everyone left her eventually, she should’ve know. Things were too good for too long. Eventually she went to bed, hoping to forget what she had done. The next morning she woke up with a terrible hangover, she forgot about this part. Not being able to stand the feeling a reality spinning back to her, she made her way to the nearest liquor store. After buying some hard liquor, she saw her phone. She totally forgot she was on call, her phone blowing up with pages. She stood there staring at her phone, before simply shutting it off. She couldn’t be bothered, Mr Mehta could take care of it, they didn’t need her.
——————————————————————
“Where’s Dr Shepherd?” Webber asked as he handed his iPad to the nurses station.
“Not sure but she hasn’t been answering her pagers, I mean I may have to suspend her she’s on call.” Teddy sighed as she filled out a chart.
“That’s not like her.” He could now feel his anxiety bubbling. Amelia always answered her pages.
“Well Im sure shes upset about Meredith and Maggie leaving, and now on top of that Kai is doing research in London.” Teddy explained before she walked away leaving Richard in his thoughts. This was not a good mixture, he immediately texted her inviting her to a meeting. No response. He was gonna give her a couple of days to mope before checking in on her.
——————————————————————
“Damn it.” Link said with frustration, he’d been trying to contact Amelia all day, he hadn’t heard from her since last week which was their last exchange. It was her day to take Scout, and he had planned a big night for him and Jo, he was gonna confess his love to her. But those plans would be squashed if his ex wouldn’t pick up her damn phone.
“Everything okay?” Webber asked as he stepped into the attending’s lounge.
“Yeah, it’s just Amelia isn’t answering and it’s her night to take scout.”
“Haven’t heard from her all week?”
“No, but we don’t really talk. Haven’t heard from since our last exchange, but that’s not out of the ordinary I want nothing to do with her.” Webbers suspicion was proving to be true.
“You should give her a bit more grace, she never intended to hurt you like this.”
“Well she did.” Webber was debating whether or not to unleash all the things he never said to him.
“You know, she was drowning and you just stood there watching. While you were around the house drinking she was barely holding on. And after everything she’s been through with Christopher I wouldn’t be surprised if her grief wasn’t over taking her. She had a newborn and 3 other kids in her hands within 10 minutes of getting home from the hospital. If you really loved her as you say you did you would’ve been there to help her. But you never checked in.”
With that Webber left the room and made his was to the parking lot. He had to go check in on her. He was giving her a couple of days to mope, but it’d almost been a week since he invited her to that meeting and was met with no response. He was being optimistic, she’d been through worse and stayed sober, she was probably just in her bed closing out the world. He knocked on the apartment door, but there was no answer, now he was thinking the worst. He kept vigorously knocking until the door opened a crack.
“Can I help you?” Amelia simply stated barely showing herself.
“You haven’t been to work and I haven’t seen you at a meeting.”
“I know.” There was uncomfortable silence for awhile until she spoke up again. “I was suspended for a little bit for not answering my pages.”
“And why weren’t you?”
“I’m sad Richard, please just leave me alone. I’m gonna be okay.”
“I can see straight through you shepherd. And don’t think I can’t smell the alcohol on your breath.”
“I don’t know what you want me to say.”
“How about ‘Come on in, I’ll make us a pot of coffee’.”
“It’s a mess in here.”
“I’ve seen worse.” Slowly she opened the door and let him in. He hadn’t been in the apartment yet, it was cute. Seemed like a place Amelia would live. His eyes were then drawn to the bottles on the counter and the smashed one in the sink. He watched as she walked over to the coffee machine. He then realizes he’s never seen her drunk before. She’s tripping over herself and is slurring her speech. “So what’s the plan here? Are you gonna get up and clean yourself off? Or are you gonna stay like this forever?”
“The latter.”
“I heard it’s your night with Scout.”
“Yeah he doesn’t need me, I mean he has a new mother who’s ten times better than me.”
“Jo is not going to replace you.”
“Richard I don’t really care. Scouts better off without me, he doesn’t need a spiraling mother in his life.”
“It’s just a slip up.”
“I’m too old for this. I don’t have the strength to get sober again.”
“You are way younger than me when I got sober the last time. I know you Amelia, you are stronger than this disease.”
“No I’m not, I’m nothing.”
“The Amelia Shepherd I know, fights for the her loved ones and her patients, her kindness is indescribable, she’s stronger than this.”
“I can’t I just can’t.” She’s starts to feel tears welling up in her eyes. She doesn’t want to cry in front of him. “It’s too much.”
“We’ll take it one step at a time. First let’s clean this place up and get ourselves to a meeting.”
“Thank you.” Amelia whispered quietly as the older man started to dump out the remaining liquor.
#amelia shepherd#greysabc#greys anatomy#meredith grey#scout derek shepherd lincoln#scout lincoln#richard webber#maggie#atticus lincoln#teddy altman#kaimelia#kai bartley
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11th: ms rogers hugging me when i was crying at graduation
distinct memories from each grade
k: during nap time a girl stole my favorite penguin stocker that i carried around for weeks, replacing it with a bandaid
1st: my cousin opened a bag of goldfish and it exploded launching at least two feet into the air
2nd: at the fire trucks during a field trip i spoke to this girl about club penguin specifically the ghost party that was happening
3rd: i became kids with a kid with chrons disease and we would play xbox together
4th: harlen and i eating lunch together and talking unaware of everyone thinking we were weird
5th: a kid lied about someone coming after him with a knife and we went on lockdown
6th: had two girl crushes and was in denial about being gay
7th: the gay blueberry petition
8th: the oboe battle
9th: eating ice cream for dinner from a tiny gift shop in utah because the lines everywhere else were too long
10th: mr gibson’s rant about apathy
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transplant
“So you switch out peoples organs?” Zola asked her mothers new partner.
“I do, when someone can’t use theirs anymore we do a transplant for someone who can utilize those organs.”
“Hmm, interesting.”
“You know, transplant surgery is the best speciality.”
“Nope.” Zola popped the ‘p’ “Neurosurgery is.”
“Whatever you say Zola.” Nick raised his hands in defense and smirked at the young girl.
“As much as I love to talk about surgery, I want to hear about everyone’s day.” Meredith conjectured at the end of the pairs conversation.
“I scored two goals at soccer!” Bailey excitedly said, leading the other children to add in about their day. The night continued with the children’s banter until it was time for Meredith to start the children’s bedtime routines. Nick situated himself of the couch and pulled out his iPad. He had been in an ethical debacle, did he procure organs from an anacephalic baby? A pregnant woman had come into Grey Sloans ER, and Jo had read a case where they procured organs from an anacephalic baby, so she reached out to Nick to see if he’d lead it.
“Whatcha up to?” Meredith jumped onto the couch beside him.
“Ethical debacle.”
“What is it?”
“Anacephalic baby. Do I procure the organs? It’s been up for debate in the medical community for years. You can’t declare them brain dead because they have a working brain stem, but they have no brain so they’re basically just a body.”
“In my experience you sometimes have to do the quote on quote ‘wrong thing’ to get to the right thing.”
“I’ll bring it up to your Chief tomorrow hopefully she’ll approve.”
“With a move like this, your probably gonna need board approval as well.” Nick rolled his eyes to this.
“It can never just be simple at your hospital.”
“Nope!” Meredith giggled.
__________________________________
“38 week mother pregnant with an anacephalic baby.” Nick presented as he talked to the board and attendings who would later vote on the final decision. “She has decided to donate the baby’s organs. So this meeting is to get the approval of the board. It’s not officially passed by UNOS but is authorized when a panel votes on it.”
“How do you declare the baby brain dead when they have a working brain stem?” Maggie asked as she leaned into her chair.
“They have no other functionality, all their brain stem does is keep their body functioning for a couple of hours.”
“How many times has this been done?” Teddy asked as she fidgeted with a pen cap.
“A handful of times in the US.” Nick confirmed.
“Is it ethical?.” Winston asked.
“It’s been up for debate for years, but with a panels approval the medical board will sign off.” Nick then directed his attention to the OB in the room. “Dr Deluca are you certified for organ procurement on a baby?”
“I’m sorry I’m not, I can refer you to people who are though.” Carina responded.
“Dr Addison Montgomery. She’ll do it.” Amelia spoke up, looking at the place where she was picking at her nail.
“Okay perfect,I’ll contact her.” Nick jotted down the name on a sticky note so he’d remember for later. “Chief Bailey do I have your approval?”
“You do, and you have access to a transplant team here.” The meeting adjourned and Amelia left as quickly as possible.
___________________________________
“You doing okay?” Addison carefully walked in the chapel, expecting to find her little sister there. She had gotten a call from Dr Marsh and was on the first plane out to Seattle.
“Yeah.” Amelia whispered, making room on the bench for the latter. Instinctively, Addison wrapped her arm around the now grown up woman.
“A lot of other babies are gonna be saved.” Amelia whispered, it was the mantra that got her through the day of her own son’s organ procurement.
“Your right.”
___________________________________
“Full house tonight.” Addison whispered to Amelia as they stood in the corner of the Grey home. “You okay? I know it’s not been an easy day.”
“Yeah, just thinking.”
“Im surprised no one has asked your opinion in this topic.” Amelia simply just shrugged. “No one knows, do they?”
“No, no one here knows other than Link and Owen.”
“Amelia.” Addison lightly scolded, she knew it was a difficult topic, but Amelia processed her emotions out loud with other people. For her to not tell her sisters about her first son was unhealthy for her.
“I can’t be here.” Amelia set down her glass of water on a small coffee table in the corner. “Will you come upstairs with me?”
“Of course.” Addison followed Amelia up the old stairs, the pair going unnoticed by the mini dinner party downstairs. Safely upstairs, Amelia dug through her closet looking for a box.
“I haven’t opened this since I left L.A” Amelia sighed as she joined the redhead on her bed. The pair leaned against the headboard, and Amelia put her head on her sisters shoulder. It felt safe, familiar, almost like she was back in high school crying on Addison’s shoulder. Except these tears weren’t over a boy who didn’t like her back or a bad test grade. It was over her firstborn, the one who saved a whole lot of other babies.
“Do you want to open it?” The younger sister nodded her head in approval. Addison carefully lifted the lid to reveal a light blue hat, a baby blanket, sonograms, and a watch.
“He was so tiny.” Amelia smiled as she stroked the blue cap. “A lot tinier then Scout.”
“He did a lot of good Amelia, his life meant something.”
“I know I just feel guilty, I get to love Scout and teach him how to be a good human and just experience him. I didn’t get that with Christopher, he deserved that.” The younger one’s voice broke.
“I’m so sorry.” Addison wrapped her arms around her sister, not minding the tears that were falling on her blouse. What had happened was unimaginable, she never had words of comfort for the neurosurgeon.
___________________________________
Amelia settled into the gallery situating her son in her lap. She broke him out of daycare, maybe it was twisted to show her almost two year old an organ procurement of a baby with no brain. But some part felt right, she wanted to show him what his big brother did.
“So Aunt Addie is taking her organs.” Amelia whispered to her little boy. “And they’re gonna give her organs to babies who need them.” Obviously the boy was oblivious to what was going on, but he seemed to understand this was something that was important. He was being well behaved and solemn, not his usual rambunctious self (which he gets from his mother).
“She’s gonna save a whole lot of other babies. She’s magical like a unicorn.” Scout absentmindedly played with his mothers fingers as she spoke to him. “Your big brother did this.”
“He didn’t have a brain, so he couldn’t live.”
“But he donated his organs, and saved a lot of babies. Just like this little girl is going to do.”
“I called him my unicorn baby, he did magical things.” Amelia listened as they listed off where the organs were going to and for whom. “I wish you could’ve met him. I just know he would’ve been the best big brother.” She kissed the side of his head, and left as they were procuring the heart for Huston, she couldn’t bear to listen to the flatline.
#amelia shepherd#greys anatomy#greysabc#greys fanfic#scout lincoln#scout derek shepherd lincoln#nick marsh#meredith grey#zola shepherd#unicorn baby#christopher shepherd
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crying screaming throwing up literally seeing mitski tonight
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i hate straight people like why did she just ask to be in my YouTube video about loving yourself and mental health 😫😫😫 i literally love her she is my biggest supporter
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straight girls
you’ll unintentionally fall in love with her
and she’ll unintentionally enable it
you’ll try to distance yourself
and she’ll ask about your day
you’ll take pictures of the two of you
and she’ll post them with inspiring quotes
you’ll be struggling
and she’ll tell you she’s proud of you
you’ll become her confidant
and she’ll never be yours
because you’ll contemplate expressing your love for her
and she’ll confess her love for a boy
a boy you’ll never be
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christmas in the big apple
OMG ITS BEEN SO LONG!!! not my best but im glad im getting back into it! see y’all soon 😎
“You’ve really never been to New York?” Amelia asked Kai as the pair walked out of JFK.
“Never. As I’ve told you, I’m married to that lab.”Smirking, as they lingered behind Amelia. They were slightly overwhelmed by the amount of people surrounding them, this was something out of their ordinary, but with Amelia there it was worth it.
“Well we came at the best time, Christmas in New York is amazing.”
“You know we have actual work we need to do.” Kai reminded as they settled down into the taxi.
“I know, but as much as I love brains, Christmas in New York is something I believe needs to be experienced by everyone. Even if that means we spend a little time away from brains.” Amelia smiled, allowing her dimple to appear, making Kai’s heart race. With anyone else they would’ve been irritated to be taken away from the lab, but something was different. They almost wanted to blow off the lab to do all the magical Christmas in New York things.
“Okay, but when Hamilton gets pissed at us it’s on you.”
“Deal.” Amelia held her hand out to shake on it, but ended up interlocked their hands together. Making Kai roll their eyes at the cheesiness of the situation, but secretly loving it.
________________________________________
“I don’t know why people like this, it’s so cold.” Kai complained as they trudged beside
Amelia.
“You literally live in Minnesota.”
“It’s different. The people here are rude, it’s adding to the cold ambiance.”
“Come on just survive until we get to the cafe.”
“Why can’t we just take a taxi?”
“It’s not the same!” Amelia exclaimed, faking a hurt expression.
“Alright but if I get hypothermia it’s on you.”
“Well maybe if you stopped your complaining you’d realize we’re here.” Kai stopped walking, rolled their eyes,and looked at the building before opening the door for Amelia.
“You find a seat and I’ll go get us some coffee.” Kai nodded in agreement and found a half booth, and found themselves looking out the window at the ice skaters. As a kid they played a lot of hockey, and found themself actually wanting to skate with Amelia. Something that threw them for a curve, romance and the things couples did wasn’t something they ever thought about. But now with Amelia, they found themselves wanting to do it all, and pretend they were in a Hallmark Christmas special.
“Cheesecake?” Kai asked as Amelia came back to the table. “I thought we were getting coffee to warm up.”
“We can, but you need to try this. It’s the best cheesecake you’ll ever have in your entire life.”
“My entire life?” Kai asked as they picked up the form they were handed.
“Your entire life.” Amelia nodded, encouraging them to try it.
“Mkay it not terrible.” Kai admitted.
“Oh shut up, you know it’s the best.”
“Alright it’s definitely up there.” Kai smiled before taking another bite. “Do you think we can do that?” They pointed out the window to the ice skaters.
“Really? You want to do ice skating?”
“Yeah why not, I’m not great but if you’re there to help me I’ll be fine.” Kai internally laughed, knowing they’d probably out skate Amelia.
“I don’t know how much he’ll I’ll be.” Amelia beamed. “The last time I went ice skating I sprained my ankle, so if that happens you’ll be stuck with that mess.”
“How’d you sprain it the last time?”
“I took Meredith’s kids, and her youngest fell and the oldest almost ran over her fingers. So I maneuvered myself to prevent that, no fingers were cut but I couldn’t walk for a week.”
“That god complex isn’t just in the OR huh?” Kai joked.
“Hey! That wasn’t a god complex move that was me preventing my niece from having no fingers.”
“I was just messing with you.” Kai smiled, relaxing a bit. They loved when Amelia got flustered.
“All right, I’ll try to help you skate, but I’m not great myself.”
______________________________________
Amelia admired as Kai maneuvered a syringe into an artificial brain. No matter what lab they were in, Kai always beamed this was their happy place. Amelia had pretty much only dated surgeons or other people in medicine, but no one had ever matched her passion for it as Kai did.
“Are you gonna keep staring at me or actually help?” Kai playfully asked, as the extracted the needle.
“Why don’t we go ice skating now?” Amelia suggested.
“You are always itching to be in the lab, why are you so desperate to get out.”
“Because it’s Christmas time and we’re in New York freaking city, the place where Christmas was intended to be.”
“It’s cute seeing you like this you know. But seriously after ice skating we’ve got to actually get a substantial amount of work done.”
______________________________________
“I hate you.” Amelia glared as she gripped onto the side of the wall, as she watched them twirl around. “How do you know how to skate so well?”
“15 years of hockey.”
“You are the worst!” Amelia exclaimed as she pushed herself off the wall, Kai then catching her and helping her maneuver over the ice.
“My dad said that when I first started skating at 4 I was already crossing while skating.”
“Oh shut up!”
“I thought you were gonna be the one helping me.” Kai joked, a comfortable silence enveloping them as Kai support Amelia as the pair skated.
“How many times have you even skated.” Kai asked breaking the silence.
“Tons of times, I grew up around here.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, it was always a tradition to go skating. That’s the only reason I do it, my brother loved traditions. They were real important to him, I like to keep him alive that way.”
“Oh wow I’m so sorry I didn’t realize he had passed.”
“You just keep winning points with me.” Amelia smirked in a morbid way, she loved not just being stuck as Derek’s little sister.
_______________________________________
“I know we’re not sharing a milkshake in a sterile lab.”
“This isn’t sterile.” Amelia snorted.
“We’ll it’s not a place intended for milkshakes. And this is not the season intended for milkshakes.”
“You know you try to have this Debby Downer façade but I see right through it. You love all this.”
“You know I do. This is the first Christmas season in a loooong time I haven’t been in a lab, and though I love my work, it’s good to spend the season differently.”
“Thanks for letting me subject you to it.” Amelia smiled swaying side to side in the rolling chair. “You know if you dint have any plans my sisters and I usually host this big Christmas dinner if you want to come, I know it’s kinda out of your way from Minnesota to Seattle but it’s available if you want to.”
“I’d love too.” Kai answered, quicker than they normally would have.
“Sounds like a plan.” Amelia smiled trying to conceal her blush.”
“Sounds like a plan.” Kai echoed.
#christmas#amelia shepherd#greysanatomy#greys fanfic#greys anatomy fanfic#kai bartley#kaimelia#ny#christmas in new york
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One word from you and I would jump off of this ledge I’m on.
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i always knew the world moves on i just didn't know it would go without me i start the day high and it ends so low........
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no one quite psychoanalyzes like daughters do when looking at their mothers
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dhmu only real ones know 😭
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“stop the woodwind on woodwin violence”- mr carney 2k21
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World Series
i posted this awhile back and it got no notes 💀 but i really loved it and i was like i shouldn’t care about something that superficial when it was important to me and sorry it’s sooooo short 💀
Amelia took a deep breath as she took in the city that she hadn’t been in for 6 years. Carefully she maneuvered herself through the busy subway. This was supposed to be a quick trip in and out, she had to be back in Massachusetts by morning for her 12 o’clock class. Amelia squeezed herself into the doorway and held on to the top railing as there were no available seats, and internally groaned. She hated the subway, it was gross, overpopulated, sticky, and creeps were always lurking. Regardless she took a deep breath, and ventured to Westchester. A place she hadn’t been since she graduated high school, a place filled with people who definitely didn’t want to see her. Lost in her thoughts she almost missed her stop, and had to quickly push through people. She wrapped her jacket tighter around herself as she walked through the frisk morning air. Before she was ready she was faced with her childhood home, it was exactly as she remembered. After letting herself into the house she was creeping up the stairs to her childhood room. She couldn’t decide if it was comforting or eerie that her mother kept everything exactly the same. She stepped into the room she use to share with her sister. Before any more emotions surfaced she quickly went to the box under her bed, and concealed any tears that threatened to spill, and grabbed the dirty baseball sitting towards the top. She placed everything exactly as it was, leaving no trace she was ever there. After what felt like a never ending journey she parked herself in front of her fathers grave. Carefully picking at the overgrown weeds, stalling for what she really came here for. She took the ball from her leather jacket and rolled it between her hands. This was from her first baseball game, one her father caught for her. Distinctly remembering the excitement she felt, and the smile that never left her fathers face that night. He was a die hard New York Yankees fan, and loved taking his children to the games. The best bonding moments happened during the Yankee home games, even the away games they would watch during dinner on the tiny tv they kept in the kitchen. It took her a minute to find a pen in the cluttered bag she carried everywhere. She rubbed her thumb across the seam, and basked in the feel of the ball. Using her neatest penmanship she started writing ‘Dear Dad, the 1996 World Series champs are the N.Y. Yankees.’ She quickly wiped the tears she could no longer hold back, and placed the ball next to the gravestone and sighed. She could just imagine his excitement if he were here to see the win, after any ordinary game that they won he’d lose it. The last win he was alive to witness was the 1976 World Series, so this felt like a good way to commemorate the latest win. She lifted herself up from the damp ground and made her way back to the entrance, but not before turning back and blowing a kiss.
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