yeah. so heres a poem based on this quote about my trans-ness
“an ode to the girl i killed who has my eyes
god. i’m so sorry i killed you.
just a girl, face hidden in her hair,
long legs and soft hands,
insecure but brave and kind.
i’m so sorry i twisted you up,
crumbled paper in my hands.
i’m so sorry i threw you out,
bags of hair and bits of who you used to be.
i’m so sorry i killed you.
your family must be so upset.
i see the missing signs,
your face plastered to their facebook pages and living room walls.
they love you a lot you know.
they keep showing me pictures,
expect me to smile and say i miss you too. i don’t, but,
i’m so sorry i killed you.
your smile used to be so wide.
your cheeks pink, eyes bright.
but over the years they got smaller, paler, dimmer.
you used to dig through the internet, through other peoples backlog,
looking for anything that looked like you.
you found yourself over and over and over again,
until you found me.
until i grabbed your hair in a harsh grip and sawed it off.
until i ripped every pink bit of flesh that you had left, changed it, hid it, buried it in my backyard so no one would ever find you again.
until i painted over your pink and purple walls, threw away every dress that didn’t fit me right, every pair of heels that didn’t scream that you were dead. all your art hidden in a box, everything you wrote under my bed.
i’m so sorry i killed you.
i live in your life.
a voyeur on the love and happiness you should have had.
your mom calls me her child.
your brothers call me a name that’s not yours.
i read your old books, wear your old clothes, listen to your old music.
I love you tiny local bands, I love you barely legal, self managed concert venues, I love you micro labels, I love you diy recordings, I love you weird instrumental pieces with bizarre instruments and strange scales, I love you 20 mn songs, I love you musicians who play for fifteen people in a bar in some remote town, I love you trad music of all countries, I love you music made by minorities and marginalized people, I love you songs with no recognizable chord grid, I love you any music that was not engineered by an army of lyricists and producers to appeal to the largest audience possible and make the biggest profit out of people’s emotions and sensitivity.