I’m not sure if anyone’s still following this account because I’ve been inactive for two years but I am about to go to ERC residential in the next week or two and imagine I’ll be doing a lot of journaling and may be active here again

i reached that goal but at what cost

my goal for 2020 is to become unrecognizable from my old self

the morning fog obscures my vision  wrapping itself around me in its chilling embrace  i’m struggling to find clarity  it feels viscous, like it’s seeping into me  i’m pushing it, i’m frantically waving my arms  it’s thick and all encompassing   unforgiving and unyielding  i feel trapped

Stephen Dunn, from “The Waiting”, The Insistence of Beauty: Poems

Sylvia Plath, Ariel: Poppies in July

i thought that loving someone, being in love with them and being loved back, meant it was unconditional. through thick and think, the good and the bad. but there’s so much bad, it’s heavy and it’s starting to weigh me down

you’ve been sad for so long that you start to wonder if that’s all you will be. you lose touch of the parts of you that make you yourself. you stop recognizing your reflection. you start looking for ways to make it hurt less, or when it’s really bad, you look for ways to feel again. you’ve been sad for so long that it becomes a part of you that you can’t separate from the rest and slowly, it takes pieces of you away. or at least that is how i feel and that is what i am experiencing

i am changing ever so slowly in a way that i recognize myself less and less each day and i must admit that i am fearful for the day when i am so completely gone and so completely not myself anymore that i am confronted with the image of a stranger

i want to go where it is quiet and i can be completely alone until i am me again

where do i put all of these bad feelings? :/

my goal for 2020 is to become unrecognizable from my old self

i was a thousand miles away from home, and holding you felt like home. you smelled like cigarettes and that orange blossom honey lotion you always wear. music was playing softly in the background and i didn’t want to let go.

the things i was facing years ago, although different from what i am facing now, still feel the same way. i don’t think it gets better. i think it changes, and you learn to live with it.

unless you don’t.

i had to get back to how i was

not trying is easier than trying to get myself together and failing and that’s just how it be I guess

i can’t push everything away but that won’t stop me from trying