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not-active-blacksapphhicmaddonna · 1 year

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Know That You Are Loved

Synopsis: The anniversary of Carol’s disappearance is always a difficult time. Can your relationship survive her ghost?

Word Count: 1600

Warnings: Self h@rm, adult language, mental illness, mentions of vi0lence

Author’s Notes: Marie Rambeau/Danbeau has been my most recent Lashana Lynch hyperfocus recently. So in light of The Marvels trailer recent trailer release, I had a desire to write a Marie Rambeau headcanon about what happened in the 6 years after Danvers disappeared. Also I love this song so it’s a perfect inspiration.

“Know that you are loved

Even if you don’t love yourself”

You awoke the the soft rumbling of thunder, an early spring shower. Rolling over in the bed, you realized that you were alone. The other side still cool, undisturbed. Maria didn’t come to bed…again. You knew where to find her yet grappled with the decision to enter into the minefield of emotion awaiting her discovery. Yet, you willed yourself from the warmth comfort of the bed, reaching for your glasses and robe in the darkness.

Tipping down the hallway, you peaked into the slightly ajar door, Monica was sound asleep, completely immune to the storms awaiting you. You slipped down the stairs, finding the door still open.

“Damnit,” you thought to yourself, your fears confirmed. Maria was sleep walking again. You made a mental note to install the new alarm system you’d purchased despite her objections. Slipping in a raincoat and boots, you grabbed your flashlight, umbrella, and an extra raincoat, and set off into the looming storm.

Carol had been an ever present occupant in your relationship, the pair deeply rooted before you even entered the picture. For years it had caused arguments, jealously, mistrust, betrayals. Now, her disappearance proved to be even more intrusive. The first year was the worse. You requested re-assignment to California after the accident. Mama Rambeau had begged you to come even though you and Maria had called it quits weeks earlier. She was a shell of herself, falling apart every time she was out of her superior’s view. But as time passed, she returned to herself, the relationship on the mend, and you thought the worse over. Yet the days leading up to the accident’s anniversary were laden with mood swings, careless mistakes, and tearful outbursts. You did your best to shield Monica from her mother’s breakdown, as she had finally gotten in a rhythm of normalcy herself. Yet when she spilled ketchup on Carol’s jacket, the fall out resulted in your pulling double duty of damage control. Then came the sleep walking which resulted in a superior-mandated mental health evaluation after your attempts to awake her proved catastrophic. You learned that day to never wake a sleeping solider. Ultimately Maria decided it was time to move on from her flying days, finally returning back home to New Orleans, a chance a new beginning. But chaos persisted every anniversary of Danver’s disappearance, lessening in intensity as the years passed, but ever present. Yet, you loved this woman dearly, and of course Monica, so you dealt with it. Even if that meant nights like tonight when the ghost of Carol Danvers left the love of your life fragmented and dismal.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

You spotted the red mustang amidst the fog of the lake, pulling the Camero up next to it. Maria was sitting on the hood of the car, holding her knees, motionless.

“Maria?” you called out gently, not wanting to jar her if she was still in a slumber. But you saw her move slightly, wiping tears from her eyes, a small bit of relief washing over you, one less battle to overcome. “Come on love, let’s go home.”

“I know she’s not gone Y/n.”

“Ri babe, come on its about to storm. It’s not safe out here especially near the water.”

“I should have been the one to fly that plane. I should have known she would cheat.”

“Monica’s back at the house alone. We need to get back to her.”

Your words didn’t seem to be reaching her. Even awake, her mind was lost in a daze of guilt and grief, impenetrable. Sensing the futility of your words, you grabbed the umbrella and jacket, wrapping the latter lightly around her shivering frame. You then joined her leaning against the grill, hoping that your presence would help to bring her back to reality.

“They really think I’m a fool,” Maria whispered with a cold laugh. “That wasn’t just a crash you know. There’s no way to just disappear like that.”

She then fell silent as the wind around you all quickened, the air scented with the approaching rain. Your instinct was to wrap your arms around her and carry her back to the car and back home, but you knew that any touch was precarious. The last time you’d done that you’d ended up with a busted lip, black eye, bruised ribs and even more fractured ego. The two of you didn’t speak for weeks. Only time would allow this moment to pass.

“This is all that’s left,” Maria interrupted your thoughts, spinning a well worn remnant of dog tag in her fingers. “God."

Her shoulders shuddered with a silent sob, head dropping, then leaning into you. You eased your arm around her at this invitation of contact, nestling her against your shoulder. The sobs began to overtake her, sending ripples of shakes as her anguish expelled in tears. You too were overcome with emotion, the pain of her distress, this strong, beautiful woman relegated to a shell of sodden emotion.

"I got you, it’s okay,” you whispered, trying to offer some comfort.

“You should just go Y/N.”

“What?”

“Take Monica and just leave me. I’m no good.”

“Maria stop that.”

“I fucking hate this!” She screamed, abruptly on her feet and taking off, leaving you to catch your balance.

You quickly followed her, unsure of next move but preparing for the worse. For someone who never exercised, she was fast as hell, reaching the water in a blink. Panic filled you because water was her element and you were definitely a creature of the land. Ripping off your jacket and shows, you rushed in after her, fearing the worse after her form disappeared under the surface. You called her name as you approached the spot where she’d descended. The storm clouds and dark waters made for little visibility, but you dived under repeatedly hoping for any glimpse. Treading water, you called for her name over and over, unsure how much time had passed, but dread filling you with each moment passed.

“Maria, MARIA!” You yelled exasperated. “Please."

Your desperation seemed to reach her in the depths of the water. A few arms lengths away, you saw her emerge, breaths riddled with coughing. You grabbed her from behind, securing her under her armpit and placing your other hand on her wrist so she couldn’t change her mind or panic and bring you both under. Swimming on your back, you kicked viciously, cutting through the water with a force you didn’t think was possible, reaching the sandbank in seconds. Your grip on her was fixed, as you both took deep breaths. Anger raged within you, this was ridiculous.

"I’m okay.” Maria whispered as her coughing subsided.

“What the fuck Maria!”

“I’m sorry Y/N.”

“You could have died, killed us both.”

“Y/N you’re hurting me,” she whimpered and you realized the ache in your own arms wrapped firmly around her. You let go quickly, and you both laid there in the sand, cold, wet, and exhausted.

She sighed, “I’m really sorry Y/N.”

You didn’t respond, head spinning with emotion and exhaustion. Maria sat up, brushing the sand from her arms.

“Can we go home?” You nodded silently and you both slipped into the Camaro, driving back up the dark road in a heavy stillness.

As you pulled into the driveway, turning off the ignition, Maria grabbed your hand as you reached for the door. Your instinct was to pull away, but her trembling hand lessened your internal fury.

“Come on Ri, let’s get inside.” You turned to look at her, finding her eyes bloodshot and glossy.

“You’d think after 4 years this wouldn’t hurt so bad,” her lips quivered, tears streaking against her water stained cheeks. “I was serious before Y/N. You don’t have to stay. You deserve better than this. Than me.” The pain in her words melted your residual anger.

“I’m not going anywhere, trust that.”

“I’ve heard that before.”

“I’m not Carol.”

Your response emerged before you could help yourself, Danver’s name acrid on your lips. Maria didn’t speak for a while then with a heavy sigh stated, “I know.” She wiped at her face, clearing the streaks from her face as new tears formed. “But why Y/N? Why do you stay?”

“Because Maria, I love you.”

Silence again. This one more uncomfortable, stifling but you felt compelled to remain in it.

“I don’t.”

“What?”

“I don’t love me.” Her words struck you sharply, it all coming into view. You knew that you were safe, reliable, a good fit, but you always questioned if Maria loved you as much as you loved her. If there was room in her heart to love you with the ghost of Danvers taking up so much real estate. But now it was clear. How could she love you, even love Monica, if she couldn’t find it to love herself, to forgive herself. Her guilt was all consuming even though she’d gotten better at masking it at the years went bye, until these times, when it all bubbled to the surface.

“That’s okay.” Maria looked at you after your response, a bit of relief easing onto her face.

“You sure?” She questioned uncertainly.

“Never been so sure of something in my life.” You gently grabbed her chin, kissing her softly on the forehead. She smiled a bit, her shoulders lifting, an invisible weight lessened. “But I’m not chasing your ass in anymore lakes Maria Rambeau and I’m installing my damn security system.”

The two of you laughed quietly, still weary from the night’s happenings, but ready to wake up in the morning and try to love again.

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