newcassicana
ℭ𝔞𝔰𝔰𝔦𝔡𝔶✨
Love Growing Old With You❤️
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when it rains it pours,
but how big must a puddle grow
before it is considered a pond?
when does a pond become a lake?
i’m drowning,
but i insist that i’m dry.
insist i couldn’t die.
now every single day is overtime.
is extra credit.
is derealized.
i’m drowning but i
wring my clothes
and promise that i’m dry.
it’s good for the flowers, they say.
that’s very good.
you’ll need them soon.
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to the guanacos at the syracuse zoo, chen chen (from “when i grow up, i want to be a list of further possibilities”)
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The window pane is 20 knives, all cutting through my fragile life. Someone new peeking through the room. I fear the name you whispered is mine, I’ll know it soon. I’m headless, I’m just limbs. I think they’re coming in. I already died, so this is extra time. I already died, so now I see it open eyed. I already died, so I am justified. I already died. There’s nothing you can say to change my mind.
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I mean. Yeah. being thrust into this insane world / business at 18 irrevocably altered my brain chemistry. but I gotta say, I wake up everyday and make a coffee and sit with my son while we have breakfast and I think to myself “you made it out relatively unscathed to this point, kid.” and for that I am grateful beyond measure. all it took was the exhaustion of waking up and self evaluating on a microscopic level for the past 5 years (which nearly killed me) BUT. I’m here. And I have kept it pretty much together (best as I can) as of recent. which is more than 18 year old me would have ever given herself the faith to bet on. Growth and pain and peace on the horizon. You got this.
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The altered timeline of my life has a lot to do with when people *find out* rather than when it *happened*. Sometimes it’s weeks or months later, from a “source” against my desire. Sometimes it’s a year or a few, in a song that will get decoded or I will explain. I’ve retreated into privacy for my own peace of mind, but the strange side effect is the public parallel timeline happening by my side. The animated corpse of past-me (dressed as present-me) doing and feeling and saying things quite some time after I’ve already lived them. I’m on a leash and they’re interpretive dancing through an adapted-for-TV version of it all. Weird. Not bad. Not good, really. Just…weird?
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Bella’s lullaby - Carter Burwell (Piano Sheet)
-> from Twilight
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Lost trust
Living with you I ended in a bad place
I relapsed and all you had to say was
You wanna feel pain
I nodded, scared
You punched me in the gut
Than dragged me down the stairs
I sat in the corner, feeling super numb
My body was sore
But you wanted more
That night you raped me
Tied my hands & attached me to you
The pain you caused
Unfortunately I’m constantly reliving through
Over & over again
Why won’t this ever end
I trusted you and unfortunately I can’t trust anyone ever again.
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Plan b
My stomach is twisting
Something isn’t right
You slipped a pill in my food
And I thought it tasted alright
The next couple days I miscarried
I didn’t even know they where there
You took away my choice
But you didn’t care
Because there was a 50/50 percent of it being yours
And you couldn’t take it no more.
You couldn’t stand the idea of it maybe being his.
And the next couple months my head constantly would spin,
We where open
But I guess that wasn’t right
We where polly
But I couldn’t sleep with another guy?
I was shamed, a slut, a destroyer of men
You changed my name to kotam & cut my hair.
You stripped me of my individual rights
And now I’m angry I wanna put up a fight
Fuck you
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I’ve been on my knees since I was 5.
In the chapel,
in a bedroom,
in an alley late at night.
Always facing an inflated
godlike
version of some guy.
But as a girl you do what you need to survive.
You open wider, take the body.
Thank your father, you’ve been naughty.
2 Hail Marys, 20 lashings.
“I’ve been sent to punish you for daring to exist.
You will never know a love as meaningful as this.”
I’ve memorized
the lines
since I was 10.
From the Bible,
from the playbook,
from the magazines for men.
If you should mess it up, you’ll start again.
But, still, they only want
the women
they condemn.
I think that I’d have too much fun in hell.
With the pagans
and the hedonists
and sapphics there as well.
Purgatory seems the better fit
I can’t stand waiting in the corner,
but I do love being hit.
There’s not a torture you can prescribe
that I wouldn’t find
a way to like.
Every single second I’m alive
I’m sharpening an axe I’d like to grind.
“I was sent to punish you
for the way I was designed.
You will never know a love
that you fear more than mine.”
- “God Fear a Woman” 2023
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Perhaps it victimizes me to admit that I am expertly betrayed. Easily taken advantage of. I am not a martyr. I am The Devil’s Professional Advocate. I will put myself in your shoes till my flesh melts with the soles. And in these trappings not made for me, my clumsy and stumbling gait walks me into gaping pits of disillusion. Bear traps set in a forest by those who know I will stop to admire the leaves and search for beetles on their backs who need rescuing. I suppose that I owe my survival to a magic trick I learned (earned?) when I was young:
“Leave your body, and go somewhere else.”
I became such a skilled dis-associator that I split in two. Peel myself straight down the middle like the plastic backing of a bandaid. Astral project into a timeline where I haven’t made whatever grave error in character judgement has landed me in my terrible predicament. I have been asked 100 times what the difference is between Halsey and Ashley and I have never answered honestly. The truth is that I built her, as a child, to protect the tender core that lies beneath. In a confusing chain of events, my maladaptive daydream became my full time reality. My armor can walk and talk and they look just like me. But you can’t hurt us anymore,
Because one of us is not real.
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Hello. Hi. I know you want new music.
I want you to know that I am hard at work. There were some restrictions I was under, for a lot longer than it seemed, but they are no longer in the way. I’m sure you can fill in the blanks.
I’m always writing aimlessly and lawlessly as you know. But “album mode” is a whole other arena and the games are just beginning. I am working on some of my favorite stuff I’ve ever conjured. Wild to think that it hasn’t even been 2 years since IICHLIWP! I know it feels like so much longer. It does to me too. But there were 2 years and 7 months between HFK and Manic and honestly I think it was worth it. The time I took. And the growth that got me from that album to the next.
Thank you for having the patience and the faith.
It will pay off in the long run.
This feels like my debut all over again, in some ways.
Your love and support have carried me through a time where I thought maybe I only had a few albums left in me, but I know now that there are so many more than I could have ever dreamed.
Anyways, I love you.
Down the rabbit hole I go 🕳️
See you soon.
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Olabisi & Emmanuel Adjaye by Kristin-Lee Moolman for Nataal Mag
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Undercover: 'Witch's Cell Division' Gloves (2002) Designed By: Jun Takahashi
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I’ve been on my knees since I was 5.
In the chapel,
in a bedroom,
in an alley late at night.
Always facing an inflated
godlike
version of some guy.
But as a girl you do what you need to survive.
You open wider, take the body.
Thank your father, you’ve been naughty.
2 Hail Marys, 20 lashings.
“I’ve been sent to punish you for daring to exist.
You will never know a love as meaningful as this.”
I’ve memorized
the lines
since I was 10.
From the Bible,
from the playbook,
from the magazines for men.
If you should mess it up, you’ll start again.
But, still, they only want
the women
they condemn.
I think that I’d have too much fun in hell.
With the pagans
and the hedonists
and sapphics there as well.
Purgatory seems the better fit
I can’t stand waiting in the corner,
but I do love being hit.
There’s not a torture you can prescribe
that I wouldn’t find
a way to like.
Every single second I’m alive
I’m sharpening an axe I’d like to grind.
“I was sent to punish you
for the way I was designed.
You will never know a love
that you fear more than mine.”
- “God Fear a Woman” 2023
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I wish that I was better, for the kids who emulate.
but they should really all know better,
than to take the fucking bait
that I’ve been dangling from this building
with my goosebumps in the cold.
I am nothing but a story for a man until I’m sold.
and he can tell it in the lobby, to the old men at the bar
they’ll all clink his cup
and make shit up.
to take it all too far,
they’ll tell a lie about the summer
where they “once had me alone”
and I’ll reside inside a sonnet.
I’m a picture in a phone.
I’ve aged beyond the angel they all saw inside me then.
a grotesque and fading memory
trapped underneath a pen.
“MPDG” 2023
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