~Day 11 of a broken heart~

My mind has the nasty little habit of betraying me with thoughts of you

Of all the secret meanings we had behind seemingly normal things

Of all the sweet, tender moments we shared together

Even the ones that weren’t so sweet, my heart still longs for those moments too

Because those moments were with you

And that's all that mattered to me 

But now you’re gone

And all I’m left with is bittersweet, heart wrenching flashbacks of our time together

And even worse

The times we didn't have together

We never got to dance in the rain together like you wanted

You never got to twirl me around a dance floor like we planned

I never got to take you on a famous family trip like we wanted to do for the summer

And you know the shitty part?

The last time I saw you in person, I didn't know that would be my last

Maybe if I did I would've done things differently

I would've kissed you a little harder

And held onto you a little tighter

But now I’ll never get the chance 

Because you're just gone

I just want to forget you already

Please do me a favor and just become a distant memory

Because I can't take this anymore

~Day 6 of a broken heart~

I didn't cry today.

Seems like a small victory but damn does it feel good.

I didn't wipe the tears from my cheeks only to pretend it was you.

I didn't lie my head down only to find myself in a puddle of the sadness you created within me.

Not only did I not cry today,

But I didn't cry over you.

Yes, my heart still aches for you.

No, this doesn't mean I’ve gotten over you.

But what it does mean is this:

I’m gonna be okay.

You promised.

You promised me you would never leave.

You promised me you would do everything you could to make this work, no matter what.

And what do you do?

You put a ring on my finger, say all the right things and then leave me a year later in a pit -no- a chasm of loneliness and helplessness.

And on top of all that you make me believe it's my fault, like you didn't have issues you needed to fix.

You simultaneously destroyed my self worth and shattered what was left of the heart that I gave you and felt no remorse.

You took what was left of me and crumpled it beneath your feather-like touch.

You showered me with sweet nothings and then ripped the love and affection I never thought I could’ve had until I met you away from me and called it my fault.

My fault for trying everything I could to better myself for you.

My fault for holding my end of the bargain while you were too busy not giving a care in the world whether you hurt me or not.

Regardless of the pain you put me through I was still in love with you.

I still worshipped the ground you walked on and still loved you with everything my damaged heart could give.

And still, that wasn’t enough for you.

Part of me hates you.

Part of me thinks I didn’t do enough, even though my heart is silently screaming “you did your best.”

But the other part of me knows that's a load of shit.

The other part of me still adores you.

And deep, deep down into the chasm that you threw me into without a second thought, I know I did everything in my power to keep you.

So why can’t I be okay with that?

The one thing that makes this so much more painful can be broken down into one, simple question:

Why wasn’t I enough for you?

~Day 5 of a broken heart~

In the short span of a few days after you left me I came to a realization.

I did my best.

Yeah, it still hurts. 

Yeah, I still miss you.

But I’m tired of tearing myself apart thinking I didn’t do enough to keep you.

The truth is, I did everything I could and it just wasn't enough for you.

I’m not convinced you loved me.

At least not the way I loved you.

Thats what you loved.

You loved how infatuated I was with you.

And instead of you finding that same infatuation for me, you robbed me of my love and left me a shell of the person that I became for you.

And you know what?

Thats okay. 

Cause right now, in this moment, I know it’s what was best for us.

At the end of the day...

I’m gonna heal.

I’m gonna grow.

And I’m gonna move on.

I can only hope I will feel the same tomorrow.

And the next day.

And the next.

How could you tell me you love me while you drive your dagger straight into the heart I trusted you to hold with the same tender love and care I gave yours?

How could you caress me like I am your most prized possession only to leave me cold without your embrace?

How could you destroy the person that you claimed you loved more than every grain of sand on the beaches we walked upon with our fingers intertwined?

How could you?

How could you do that to me?

Savior.

I wrote this after a fight with my boyfriend while we were still dating and just felt like sharing (unedited).

I hate this. I hate it so much yet I just can't seem to let it go. I hate it but I love him. But he doesn't. At least I don't think he loves me. He just gives up so quickly, he doesn't fight at all for me. He's quick to leave me crying. He's quick to jump on the breakup train. I want someone who refuses to let me wallow in my stubbornness and refuses to leave me be until I'm okay. But he doesn't and he wont. Maybe it's unfair of me to ask that out of someone, but I just need to know that someone cares about me, that he cares about me. I need to know if he is actually in love with me or if he just says he loves me because he used to and doesn't know the difference between loving me and being in love with me. I want someone who isn't so quick to just leave me when I'm crying cause yeah, they may look like just tears and I know I cry a lot but everytime im fighting an inside battle and one day I'm gonna lose and no one is going to be there to save me. I want someone to be there, I want him to be there. But instead he just leaves. I think it's so that I can't say he didn't try and so he’ll feel better. But the thing is, I want him to try. I want him to make an effort, a real effort. I want someone to notice when I’m sinking and jump in to save me. Cause I'm getting tired of saving myself and one day I'm just gonna succumb to the waters. That day has felt eerily close lately and I'm so scared that's gonna be it. If something doesn't change then it will be. But every time I try and say something about this then I'm crazy or I'm just playing games and trying to be difficult. I don’t think that's necessarily true. Why is it so hard to be first in someone's life? Especially someone who is the love of your life and claims the same about you. I just want to be someone's first. Before the video games, before friends, before everything. Cause god knows i would give up anything and everything for him in a heartbeat. I just want the same. I want to be loved the way my being longs to be loved. I don’t want this to end, I adore him too deeply.

But I think it's killing me.

~Day 3 of a broken heart~

It hurts.

Its like my soul is tearing me apart from the inside out and I can’t do anything except cry.

I'm tired of crying so damn much. I just can’t help but feel like if I cry, then he wins.

Wins what, though? Maybe I just feel like its a waste to cry over someone who doesn't want to be with me anymore. I’m not sure.

I feel so empty now. He was my best friend and the love of my life all bundled up in one. And now he's gone. I tried so hard to hold him as tightly as I could so this wouldn't happen, and part of me thinks that's the reason why he slipped from my grasp.

I haven't been able to do anything but sit in my room and try to distract myself. It's hard to do that when everything in the room taunts me with his memory. Even after I packed all the shit he gave me and threw it in my basement, I still seem to find him lingering every-which way I turn.

All I want to do is get away from him, to forget him and shove the pain I'm feeling deep into my chest. But I can't because he's like a ghost in my house, ever-present in every single object he ever came across. Even the ones he didn't, my brain is still finding ways to wedge him into my mind.

I'm trying so hard not to just succumb to the pain and hurt, to not let it get the better of me and send me down a familiar path of scars and regret. But it's really fucking hard when the little bit of hope I have left is fading rapidly.

It hurts.