Sooo... I twisted my ankle yesterday and it came back to bite me today. >.< I went outside with Thorn to help feed his dad's dogs and unload fire wood from his dad's truck and am now mostly crippled lol. Time to kick my legs up and relax. Sweet Thorn, he's such an adorable mothering hen about it. He's like "I'll get you coffee, and a biscuit, oh and here's some IcyHot, do you want Dr. Thorn to put your compression wrap on it for you?" ☺😍 I just love this man.

Me, explaining to someone something I cherish, like Harry Potter:

Them: oh hey really cool, can you give a specific example of this thing where I can look it up

Me, who until this moment has consumed HP fanfiction rabidly since finishing the final book and movie:

(This goes for just about every other thing in life, like song lyrics or names when I really want to share them, but happened most recently on Reddit when I foolishly tried explaining a plot to a fic I read ages ago and someone asked what it was called or for a link)

Hey lovelies, I've not posted in a bit, and for that I am sorry. :( I've been battling hard against depression and schizophrenia issues. It's been tough, and I've had some pretty awful times. Thorn of course has been wonderful (I mean for the most part, he has his faults like any person but he's good to be supportive once he understands I'm not just being a snotty brat, I'm really struggling).

Schizophrenia is... Well I wouldn't wish it on my very worst enemy. Which is saying something, because I kinda wouldn't mind if a plague caught up to them or something but anywho. Some people struggle with intrusive thoughts. I'd guess my schizophrenia is like if someone were struggling to not constantly drown in intrusive thoughts, but. As a therapist once told me, intrusive thoughts in people without schizophrenia tend to be in their own voice, because it is actually their own thoughts. The voices I hear from schizophrenia are not in my own voice. Imagine if actual literal demons from hell were given voices... And those voices remind you of every single one of your very worst flaws and insecurities... And urge you to do terrible things... On a 24/7 loop soundtrack all. The. Time.

On occasions, if I'm in a really really bad place, the hallucinations take visual form also. I see faces in half shadows. Everywhere. Sometimes they're grotesque. Sometimes they look just like normal people... Albeit standing over my bed at 3am when I'm trying to sleep. Those horrifying sleep paralysis demon depictions people gave art form to? Thanks guys, I really enjoyed fueling that nightmare lol.

My most recent therapist told me that I'm high functioning. This basically means a person could meet me in public and never once recognize that I've got anything going on in me that might indicate mental unwellness. To the world, I appear a perfectly put together person. I can get a job. I can make friends. I can socialize. I can do the things basically, just the same as someone who doesn't see and hear things no one else does. I have enough control of my faculties to understand my inner soundtrack is a mental health problem, and so I don't mutter to myself like Hollywood depicts (huuuge eye roll here at the awful misrepresentation of many mental illnesses in Hollywood). I do sometimes self soothe, but it isn't rapid rocking and petting my hair or clothes or something. It tends towards spinning a ring I wear on my thumb, or picking at a spot on one of my fingers, chewing on the inside of my mouth or cheek (I really need to stop doing that tbh).

Anyways, long story short, I've had a shower, some coffee, painted my nails (pink and white with sparkly top coat!) and tomorrow I'll be going out to help Thorn get his mom's bills paid. I don't feel 100% (especially considering the Crimson Tide has washed in, hooray, eye roll) but I feel put together enough to manage. I feel able. Life isn't fantastic, but it's certainly much better than it has been for me in the past. Each day is just a step forward and a chance to do better than the day before. To anyone out there struggling, I see you. I hear you. Take a breath in... Let the breath out. Be kind to yourself and get help if possible. Each day is a new chance for things to be a little better than the day before. Much love. 💙💙💙

So, happy New Year to all. My apologies for not posting lately, it isn't even the 5th of the month and I'm kind of very done with 2023 already. Thorn's mom is back in the hospital again and she claimed she felt like she was having a stroke, but as of this afternoon she's still waiting on getting a room, so it obviously can't have been as dire as she made it sound. I just wish she would quit with this Boy Who Cried Wolf thing because I'm terrified if she ever has an actual serious incident no one is going to take her seriously. -*le sigh*-

My schizophrenia acted up insanely bad last night. Thorn and I had a minor argument because he was stressed over his mom, and he took a nap before we'd resolved it, so I was pretty much stuck in my head with Bad Thoughts(TM). He feels terrible over it still, and I feel terrible that he feels terrible. Sometimes, even when you strive to give your all for your partner and it still just isn't enough. That should be okay, but as irrational, emotional, flawed human beings as we are, sometimes it just feels like it isn't.

I think the takeaway here is just to have patience with yourself and with others. Sometimes we just simply run out of patience and need to recharge. It's so very hard when your partner has to tap out right when you need them to be there the most, but life can sometimes be so very messy. You just do what you can and try to remain grateful for the good things. <3

Be safe out there y'all, I love every one of you who follow my posts (except the p*rn bot accounts, jfc why are there so many of those on here, gods almighty), and remember you are individually beautiful in your own ways no matter what. Happy 2023! 💙

Oof, I feel that

I took a nap today, after doing the things, and I had strange dreams. I dreamed that I lived by the ocean, and I was gathering materials to build a seawall in preparation for a hurricane that was coming... But all I kept picking up were sea shells. ._. Silly Muse, seashells won't stop a hurricane.

And when I woke up I told Thorn about it and he said he was so proud of dream me for all my hard work. And I was so confused and protested seashells wouldn't protect me at all. And he said but hey, at least you tried, and that's what counts.

He's the absolute best you guys, I just-

#andthenhesaidweshouldmove800milesinland #thatsasmartidea #whowantstolivebytheoceananyways #nooffencetoanyonewhodoes #buthonestlyimsurpriseditwasntanightmareaboutseagulls #seagullsaresoscary #theyremurderhobosinavianform #thornissosmart #movefaaaaaarawayfromthemurderbirds

Watching Studio Ghibli movies while lying under the warm blanket and eating your favorite noodles all by yourself is a therapy.

Some girls in the morning:

Me, every morning:

#thornadoresmeanyways #hemakesmecoffee #andgivesmekisses#ijustwannagobacktosleep #ilovehimsomuch #gottadothetingstoday #butidontwanna

I hope everyone is having a good day today! ^-^ I'm not having the best day but that's okay, I've got hot cocoa Hershey kisses and new pajama pants to cheer me up. They have pandas on them! It's important to not let the negativities get you down, and appreciate the good things you have. I appreciate Thorn, and I appreciate one of my BFFs who helped me feel a bit more sane after an ex tried gaslighting me, and I appreciate my panda pants and that I'm getting a new coffee maker for Christmas. :)

#thornangrylaughsnortedwhenicalledmynewpantspandants #getitpandapants #imsosadbutatleastchocolateandbffsandthorn

"You are a museum. Some people will stay away cause they are simply not interested. Some will only explore the first floor because they find the whole thing intimidating. Some will only visit for the temporary exhibit and some will scan all the floors but won't learn any of the context. Only few will spend hours reading into the depths of what's on display and those are the ones who will cherish you."

– Written by "eviewhy" on Instagram

A man who worked at the local quarry was ID'ed before going into the bar. He was promptly denied entry, since he was a miner.

Today, on: Muse is a mean (but hilarious) girlfriend!

So Thorn was telling me about how he's going to download an image for his PC background and how it reminds him of his youth/teens, but it's fading into nonexistence. It was really cool, very liminal space, old timey gas station with the pumps that you can't use a card in, etc. 80s nostalgia more or less. And he said he couldn't put a finger on why it scared him so much.

I said baby, you're afraid of change. Then an evil thought popped into my brain. And I said wait, if you're afraid of change, maybe I can help you learn to cope and get over your fears.

I opened my purse, pulled something out. He stared at it for a minute. He said I don't get it. This is just - and then we both busted out laughing so hard we were crying and couldn't stop.

It was my coin purse. Full of *change*. X'D

#yesiamstilllaughing #noregerts #hecantevenbemadthatshowfunnyitwas