Freedom from the past

What does freedom mean to you? I would feel more free if I could release my traumatic childhood and all memories of my criminal parents. Left: Mother with Stefanie’s adopted daughter. Right: Father with Ezra. Both pictures are from Murph’s public blog. When I think of Freedom, the first thought is of the Emancipation Proclamation. “In December 1865, the Thirteenth Amendment to the U.S.…

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Five Favorite Emojis

What are your favorite emojis? The sweating smile emoji. This is how I lived so much of my life. The outward smile but so full of anxiety and depression that I was “sweating”. Wounded heart emoji. Do abused and orphaned children ever fully heal? Crazy laugh / winking tongue out. I use this to symbolize that I am laughing maniacally. The salad emoji. My spouse checks on me around lunchtime.…

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This website

Describe a risk you took that you do not regret. It was a HUGE risk for me to go public about the abuses I endured as a child. The $200 Billion LDS Mormon Church took me to court to take this website down. My evil Mormon Mother filed a bullshit “restraining order” against me. She lied too many times in the document for the judge. She lies about easily provable things. The Judge noticed and…

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10 year plan

Where do you see yourself in 10 years? A beach. In 10 years I would like to be living near a beach. Not beach front, but close to the water. I’ve been landlocked for most of my life. My biological parents never took me on a beach vacation. In fact, they never took me on a vacation with one exception: when mother took the first four kids to Australia. It’s was summer in the U.S., so it was…

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Meditation is medication for a troubled mind

Describe one positive change you have made in your life. Screenshot of my meditation app In November of 2022 I started with a new therapist. They are a certified trauma counselor for people that have been sexually abused. My therapist is also an EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) specialist. They are an excellent match for the trauma I endured until I turned 18 and left my…

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Why would I be destined for so much abuse?

The six abused siblings, Mother behind the camera. That’s me with the fake smile. Look the other kids’ faces. A-B-U-S-E-D. Do you believe in fate/destiny? No, Virginia, I don’t believe in fate or destiny. Starting with my first memories at 4-5 years old. Mother beating me. Mother crying and screaming. The storage shed with glass jars of dried beans. Each jar had a piece of mint gum in it to…

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Outlived the expectations

What are your thoughts on the concept of living a very long life? Trigger Warning: Suicide attempt Left to right: My maternal grandfather, me, Karen In 1994, I attempted to take my life for the second time. I was a naive kid, I had cut across my wrists. All I remember is cutting my wrist many times and then laying down to die. I slept instead. Mother found me in the morning with the cuts on…

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Song: Adverse Childhood Experiences

How are you creative? I used to write music. I was in several bands with Murph*. Out of three of those bands, there were 3 albums and 2 EPs. I wrote about a third of the music. Murph playing drums on left, me playing guitar on his right. I miss writing music, but each session begins to bring back memories of my time with Murph. We played in different bands over two decades. You can read more…

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Aminals

What are your favorite animals? My meditation app has at least one video a week about animals. The last one was about the migratory patterns of Argentinian birds. I really enjoy those videos. There is something calming in focusing on wildlife and leaving my problems behind. In no particular order. Arctic fox An assortment of cats A variety of dogs Red panda Panda Pink Floyd’s 1977 album…

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I was born and raised in the mountains

Beach or mountains? Which do you prefer? Why? I am a child of the mountains. Provo, Utah I was born in Orem, Utah. We lived in Provo, Utah, in the shadow of the Wasatch Mountains. Father was in school and Mother worked at Winchell’s Donuts to bring in money for the five of us. That is no way to bring children into the world. Penniless and with parents at odds with each other over school, work…

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I was born and raised in the mountains

Beach or mountains? Which do you prefer? Why? I am a child of the mountains. Provo, Utah I was born in Orem, Utah. We lived in Provo, Utah, in the shadow of the Wasatch Mountains. Father was in school and Mother worked at Winchell’s Donuts to bring in money for the five of us. That is no way to bring children into the world. Penniless and with parents at odds with each other over school, work…

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Favorite meals from the old days

What are your family’s top 3 favorite meals? From my weight tracking app Around 2019 I was the heaviest I have ever been. Over 250 lbs (113 kg). My doctor told me that I needed to lose weight. I couldn’t eat my favorite meals anymore. This was before work from home was the norm for people in my line of work. Back then, I worked retail, so I was surrounded by bad food choices. My favorite meals…

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I wanted to be a rap artist

What’s something most people don’t know about you? “Till Death Do Us Part” the fourth studio album by the Houston rap group the Geto Boys, released in March 1993 on Rap-A-Lot Records. When I was in high school, I was given a Geto Boys tape. “Till Death Do Us Part”. An older boy that rode the bus gave me the tape. Something must have inspired him to take pity on me. He introduced me to rap…

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I can’t play anymore

What is your favorite hobby or pastime? Murph* and Kurdt* on-stage. I used to play guitar. I was in a few bands with Murph*. Two of the bands did ok in our city. One of our bands opened for one of the founding 1970s punk rock bands (hint, Metallica loves them). One of our bands opened for one of the founding lo-fi alt-rock bands. That band was (is?) Murph’s favorite. He got to smoke a bowl…

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every time every place

Tell us about a time when you felt out of place. I don’t fit into this world. I never have. Not since I was six. I am middle aged. Next year will be 40 years since I was damaged by the rapists. 40 years since my biological mother tried to beat the memories of the rapes out of my head. 40 years since being estranged from my family. Mother was so pissed that I tried to tell my biological father…

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stealers

The Latter-day Saint Mormon temple near Washington D.C. The rapists stole my innocence. I was six years old. My biological Mother stole every holiday from me when she used “The Santa Story” as the initial distraction when I tried to tell my father that the rapists got me and Courtney*. I cannot enjoy any holiday without thinking of that pivotal moment in my life. My biological father stole my…

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ain't nobody leaves without singing the blues

How do you relax? “Ain’t No Love in the Heart of the City” from the album “Dreamer” by Bobby “Blue” Bland It’s been hard to relax since going public as a LDS Mormon CSA survivor. I take a lot of “mental health check-in surveys for my therapist, psychiatrist, and work. One of the questions is something like: “How relaxed do I feel most of the time, out of 10? Is this the same, more, or less than…

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