mooles-frites - Tumblr blog

mooles-frites · 23 days

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caffeine and disappointment don't mix well (rant)

hi tumblr,

i don't normally do things like this, but there was this robotics tournament, and this person there I wanted to ask out, and, well...

well I wouldn't be venting to the internet if either of them went particularly well.

I'd talk to my friends about this, but if I yap too much about my troubles then I'm too sappy and only want to talk about myself. And if they knew I wasn't telling them I'm feeling down and was bottling my feelings up then I'm not emotionally mature enough. And if they saw this post then they'd be like "oh no anon you know we're always here for you" but if they saw this post there'd be no point. I dunno.

It's probably all in my head.

I'm sure they'd be supportive of me; that whole section above might just be how my own opinion of myself would change if I vented to my friends.

To be completely honest, I don't really like listening to other people vent either. Sometimes I do it anyways, though. Even then, I don't know if it's out of care for the person or hope that they'll listen to me in return.

I hope it's the first one.

She was very cordial.

The person I asked out, I mean.

"No, sorry." Concise, honest, to the point. How it should be.

...but...

...there was no sympathy to it.

Politeness, yes. But no sympathy. No "I know it feels bad to know I'm not interested in you, but it'll be okay, life will go on."

I don't really know what I was expecting, to be honest.

But, y'know, I can still hope.

That's not the issue, though. The issue is I can't draw a line between expecting and hoping. I should be able to. I know I'm kinda new to this asking-out-people-I-like thing, but I should've still been able to stop my wishful thinking, stop planning for the unlikely ideal scenario. Otherwise I'll keep getting disappointed like this.

I dunno; maybe I want to keep getting disappointed. I feel like if I didn't, then I would've set my expectations lower, and right now I'd be thinking of all the things I've got going for me instead. Maybe, deep down, I get some kind of thrill from my lows like I do from my highs. Maybe some part of me just wants to feel something. At least that part's happy.

But the majority of me hates feeling sad! What am I supposed to do?? Ugh. Feh. Meh, even.

Sorry, I know this probably isn't very pleasant to read. I'm very self-indulgent as a writer. I hate writing when it's for an assignment, but I sometimes turn to it when I need to just get out my thoughts and feelings and actually say them out loud. That way I can work through them. Consciously. Rationally.

And it's very helpful in that regard. Highly recommend.

Anyways, it's getting late, and I've actually got plans for tonight. Namely, eating a persimmon, watching some anime, and listening to DOOPEE TIME on repeat until I fall asleep. If you're reading this, it makes me happy to know that you listened the whole way through and heard me out. I hope you have a good night. A real, genuinely good night. And I hope you're feeling pleasant as you drift off. Cheers.

#personal #rant #personal rant #meh

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