Oh geez! How long has it been since I wrote on this site? EEEEK! So, FF 2 years.....we got pregnant! Emmmm was born on April 1, 2014 and Lottie turned 5 just a few weeks ago. We moved to a suburb of San Diego and Chris got new orders down at the Depot. I am getting into essential oils and we are just starting Whole30 starting tomorrow (wish me luck!). I still don’t understand tumblr, but I’ll try to update more often!

Is it me? Another mom fail

I’m raging. I’ve lost my temper about 10 times today with Lotte. I am usually patient and calm, but I’m raging today.

Every time I ask her to do something, lets say to clean up, or try using the potty before nap, she just cries and cries and screams. And I yell. And to be honest, I want to yell louder. And today I did. I can’t stand her today. Is that okay to say as a mom?, because I sure feel it. My poor neighbors, they probably think I’m a horrible mom.

I know she loves getting a reaction out of me, and The Love and Logic way is to stay calm and make it seem it does not bother me….but who are these people who are able to stay calm after their friggin kid has been practically screaming and crying all day over nothing!? I have to be able to live with natural consequences, that’s the best teaching tool…but a lot of times those are consequences for me too. Okay, don’t go potty before we leave the house, and then what’s the natural consequence there? Have an accident, or hold your pee in and get a bladder infection? Lose-lose if you ask me.

I’m just frustrated. Then I feel bad after my yelling episodes, and they don’t even make the situation better…yes it makes me feel better for a second, but it doesn’t solve the problem. I may be scarring Lotte for life, but what's worse is that she’s so damn forgiving and wants to just kiss and hug me after each of these episodes. Man, she’s good. Knife to the heart.

I have to go back and revisit Love and Logic again. I feel like the worst mom ever today. Mom fail.

Lotte Lingo with translation

"Can you pass me my computer so I can do some Texas?" (texts)

"Can you rape the page for me?" (rip)

"Haloop" (hoo-la-hoop)

We have been also cutting off tags left and right from all her clothes, or just having her wear things inside-out because everything itches. She also has developed this really sensitive sense of smell. Whenever I am cooking, she holds her nose and acts like she wants to gag, so we just open the door and let her out on the front patio.

Weird girl. Well, actually, I think some author defined this as the "spirited child." Ah.

Oh ivf...you are so awesome with your technology and success rates, but no one ever told me about OHSS, a side effect that effects 1% of ivf patients. Par for the course, any time I try to get pregnant, I seem to always be in that 1%...remember when Lotte was conceived? Anyways, I started to feel real bloated and crampy a few days ago. So much so it hurt to sleep, walk, and move. My stomach was huge....I could not fit into any of my pants. I dealt with it, until yesterday....I was just relaxing, got up to use the bathroom and them BAM! The cramp was so bad, I was hunched over and could not breathe nor move. We called Dr. W who confirmed it was OHSS and told us to come to the hospital ASAP. At the hospital, they confirmed that fluid had leaked from my overstimulated ovaries into my stomach. They relieved the fluid by placing that huge ass needle in the picture straight through my stomach and then put in this catheter that sucked all that liquid out. Yeah, that's not beer in that bottle, it's the crap that was in my belly. Gross! This procedure hurt like a mofo! Anyways, I'm feeling better but I hope the fluid doesn't build up again. They say it goes away on its own, but man, this just sucks. Another night in the hospital, and thenI hope I can go home tomorrow. I love you ivf, but please be kinder to me.

oh hi. Just waiting for me to post? Yeah, I'm just waiting over here too. It's been an uneventful week. Chris continues to give me shots every night. I am way bloated and I am google-ing every symptom and obsessing over ivf forums. I just need to stop.

We were lovingly looking at Lotte last night and her spunky antics and we both smiled and realized how lucky and blessed we are to have her. Chris said, "If this doesn't happen, it's okay." I looked at Husband and wanted to yell at him for being so negative...but I held my tongue. Instead, I looked at Lotte, sweet Lotte.

The Lotte that shares her cookies with me.

The Lotte that holds my face in her little hands and tells me she loves me.

The Lotte that insists I take a turn on the ipad even though I would rather NOT decorate a princess pet....

and I nodded in agreement.

It will be okay. Our family will be okay.

1. Embryo. The one on the upper left is the one we implanted. We even got to see it in a microscope!

2. Little blip on the screen is the little embryo in my uterus. The transfer was so simple and easy.

3. Bakery to celebrate..including a passion fruit cupcake!

So now we wait...and continue the shots..and pray..and hope. Amazing!

Sweet & Sour

Sweet Lotte:

"Thank you for buying me this Mickey Mouse Wipees (or whatever random thing she's holding), mommy." (This happens at various random times during the day).

"Mommy, where's your aye-yah? I promise I won't touch it. (I show her) Awww. I'm sorry mommy. I'm sorry that you have your aye-yah."

Sour Lotte:

"MOMMMMMMMMMMMY! (yelling) Don't say NO to me." (And I swear, she rolls her eyes at me or gives me a stink eye. Sometimes it's an actual scrunching of the nose. Grrrr)

Love the joy. Love the Husband in his uniform, meeting us at the beach for a lunch break.

Chris has been so encouraging and supportive through this entire ivf. Little things like asking me how I'm doing throughout the course of the day; Kissing me and telling me he's proud of me every time he gives me a shot; Praying with me for this little one we know is destined to be ours. It all just makes it better knowing he's by my side through it all.

Husband, I love you.

PS-Day 3 of butt shots (as I like to call them) and today it hurt like a MOFO!!! Plus, I had to do another butt shot (HCG) to make sure the estrogen is still working down there. Wow. As a positive update, the embryos continue to develop top quality!

Okay, I know the screen shot of this nurse pointing to a butt crack makes you a little skeptical...but...I love youtube.

If you are about to do progesterone shots with that long ass needle, you MUST watch this video. I was having terrible soreness and pain from my shots and I realized that it’s because we were doing it in the wrong place! Day 2 of shots and feeling good.

Dr. W called to give an update about my embryos. 8 are at the 4-cell stage, which he claimed as “amazing" and 2 were in the 1-cell phase. So potentially 10 good babies!

Yeah…just to be clear, we are transferring one embryo at a time.

We can do hard things.

-Glennon Melton, author of one of my favorite blogs and books.

Chris and I said this together tonight as I lay in bed cramping. We said it again when it was time for the dreaded progesterone shots that give me so much pain in the ass (literally).

So powerful, but a wonderful mantra for all the MOFO moms out there.

Egg retrieval was a success!

Let me just say, I love being sedated. I love just passing out and falling asleep.

They took out 10 eggs; of those 10: 9 were mature. And as of today, 8 are developing normally.

All great news!

I'm cramping, and drowsy, but I feel good.

peace, love, and ivf

So I’m at the tail end of my ivf cycle, and surprisingly I’m calm, at peace, and full of love. If you’ve followed me on some other blogs you would know that this is very different than my last cycles of IUI last year. I was desperate. I needed a baby and I needed it now.

Nope.

The shots are less painful, less stressful. I’m okay with the outcome, whatever it may be.

After about 2 weeks of injections (morning and night) and countless hours driving back and forth to Balboa, looking for parking, and waiting to get my damn prescriptions filled (I hate military hospitals. But as my doc pointed out: would I rather pay thousands of dollars or just wait 2 hours to get medicine?)……we are ready for the HCG shot today to prepare for the egg retrieval on Saturday.

Yay! Don’t fail me now eggs!

Thoughts on potty training 3

So after all that we went through with our hellish potty training weekend, I sort of felt like a failure. It didn’t work. We waited too long. She’ll never pee in the toilet! We are going to waste so much more money on diapers. Did I scar her for life?

Lotte kept relishing that she was a “baby" and acted like one more than ever. Sometimes I made a stink if her diaper was wet or smelled.

Then she turned 3. She could communicate. We could have a semi-intelligent conversation. We could pull the “you’re a big girl" card. But…we still didn’t push it. I didn’t want anxiety, or the stress, and to be honest, it’s kind of easy with her in diapers.

Anyways, Friday night came along and before bed I asked if she wanted to use the toilet. She said “oh yes". So we sat her down, and of course I had zero expectation that anything would happen. And then….she did it! As simple as that! No anxiety! No big fuss!

She didn’t pee that night in her diaper, but didn’t want to pee in the toilet that morning. (It’s not going to happen, we kept telling each other.) we went to the zoo…I randomly asked her if she wanted to pee and she said yes. So I took her to the public toilet and she peed! A little on her shorts because I didn’t pull them all the way down…(I didn’t expect her to actually do it!), but she did it!

And people, ever since then she has peed and pooed in the toilet..at home and in yucky public bathrooms! She doesn’t even pee at night or at nap in her pull up.

Crazy. She’s so weird.

Here is what I learned from this:

1. Listen to those experienced moms that tell you- “they are ready when they are ready" 2. Your child feeds off your anxiety, so just stop. 3. Lotte is the kind of girl that needs to do things on her own time, and in her own way.

Many humbling lessons learned.

Sometimes I have to remind myself that I'm doing a good job.

You be the monster, and I'll be the EEEK!

Lotte to Husband

And...nevermind

Okay, Dr. W called us and said the budget was not being taken away! Sorry for yelling at you Washington! We still will pay a few thousand dollars, but I am so thankful it's not tens of thousands of dollars! Let's do this!

Damn Sequestration

We were all set to go through with IVF. It has been a long road leading us to this point. Three failed IUI attempts, a false positive pregnancy, hopelessness that Lotte would be an only child. I had a great initial exam with my infertility doctor, Dr. W. he was excited to work with me again. But a few days later, Husband gets a call saying that because of Sequestration, all the funds for the medication would not be covered by the pharmacy! WTH!? Yes, we are a military family and our health insurance covers almost 100% of our medical bills. I know I may come off sounding whiney and annoying, but come on Washington, get it together, we want to have a BABY! After some discussion, Husband and I decided that we would go forth with the IVF. Money shouldn't deter us from trying if this is what we want in our hearts.