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merkova2-0 · 1 day
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(Using tumblr as a diary so I can better track my experience/ progress with agoraphobia)
I’m starting a job like a mile from my house/ a few blocks from where my partner works bc I’m hoping that being so close will help me have less panic attacks.
I do not need to leave for another 45 minutes. I have already been up for six hours obsessing over what I do not know about how my day is going to go and I have thrown up once. Taking my anxiety meds rn and then I am going to go back to sit with Trouble. Will update after my first shift.
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merkova2-0 · 2 months
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it's rotten work, but without the rot nothing can grow
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merkova2-0 · 2 months
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Sometimes I imagine what it would have been like if we hadn’t been in that place at all.
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merkova2-0 · 2 months
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You deserve a warm life, a cozy life, a life free of pain and full of people who genuinely care. A world where, when you experience pain, people are still there for you. You will find a soft future. It will be a slow process, full of missteps and fumbling, but someday you will look around and realize that you were right to keep on going.
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merkova2-0 · 2 months
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eveeyones got it wrong your mid 20s arent for going to the club or partying or picking up new crafts. your 20s are for discovering how much more autistic you are than you thought you were in high school
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merkova2-0 · 2 months
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wish i could go missing for a little bit and no one would freak out and then i could come back and they'd be like "did you have fun going missing" and i'd be like "yeah, thanks" and then i could do that every couple of months or so and it wouldn't be a big deal
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merkova2-0 · 2 months
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Well, that was the absolute worst night I have ever had.
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merkova2-0 · 3 months
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"we need more weird gays" you can't handle aces & aros. you can't handle queer-platonic relationships. you can't handle it/its users. you can't handle neopronouns and xenogenders. you can't handle polyamory.
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merkova2-0 · 3 months
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"i dont dislike taylor swift as a person, i just think her music is not that good" well i hate her as well. why the fuck am i biking everywhere and taking trains and walking two hours if she produces two tons of co2 emissions for a 15min flight. fuck her
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merkova2-0 · 3 months
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Björn was born ready
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merkova2-0 · 3 months
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Helmut Smits: Without Cabinet (2003)
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merkova2-0 · 3 months
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Once again, we do not accept "aita for feeling" submissions here, please stop sending them.
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merkova2-0 · 3 months
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a long time ago i watched a tik tok from an older trans woman, in her 60’s or 70’s. someone had commented on another video of hers asking “why don’t we ever see trans men from your generation? why aren’t they involved in activism?” and her response was “because a lot of them died.” she told stories abt the trans men she knew who committed suicide rather than be married off and forced to live as a woman, or died from medical neglect or botched abortions. “they would be here if they could, but they can’t because the world failed them.”
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merkova2-0 · 3 months
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I just want my fucking baby. I don’t give a shit anymore, why did this have to happen?
I can’t do this. I just want them back. Fuck.
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merkova2-0 · 3 months
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the "i'm not pretty like the other girls because i'm pale and skinny" female protagonist trope is something i loathe more than almost anything else in the world but i'd be more willing to forgive it if the author was brave enough to commit to it. if your "unattractive" female protagonist is a snow-white waif then i'd better see you emphasising how nauseatingly corpselike she looks. how people shudder when her maggot-flesh fingers touch their bare skin because they're expecting her to be cold and damp. how her birdlike bones and dainty waist are contemptible rather than desirable. maybe even have her develop a degree of beauty by gaining some weight and colour for a change. put down the necromancer barbie template and show me a proper little freak.
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merkova2-0 · 3 months
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TW: pregnancy loss
Well, we tried the “have a baby and live happily ever after” thing. Back to being a silly fuck on the internet now, I guess.
But FIRST, there are some things that I feel like I need to say, and I am going to say them on here because I want to get them off my chest and this is my safe place
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Gizmo made it a grand total of 11 weeks and 4 days, which means that they gave us just three days shy of an entire trimester together.
Now, I recognize that this is not much time at all in the grand scheme of things. We never got to hold them, or meet them. They never saw or spoke.
But they knew us.
And they knew love.
And really, when I stop to think about it, that is all they knew. If they were aware of anything, it was the love.
I know that their pulse sped up every time that their father kissed my face, and when he spoke of them. I know that they were surrounded by warmth when he held me, and when the cat pressed their face to my stomach.
I’ll probably post more about the situation on here in the upcoming days, and my DMs are open to anyone who might be going through something similar. It isn’t your fault and I’ve got you. No pressure though.
Today would have been the day that we told everyone officially and now we’re just counting our lucky stars that our (mutual) abusers do not have access to us anymore or any idea that this happened and trying to figure out how to tell the people that WERE aware of Gizmo what the fuck we just experienced.
We are okay. We have each other, and all of the love is still there.
We just miss our little Mogwai terribly already.
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merkova2-0 · 4 months
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I love you forever
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