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me-myself-i-n-my-brain · 8 days

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Should I be eating and resting? Yes. Am I? No, so come join me for a dissertation on Tommy Kinard being lonely.

Edit to add a note since I saw a reblog about it: Tommy has no canonical age right now and Lou is 39, 40 later this year, so that is my basis for saying he’s 39.

Now when I say lonely, I don’t mean that he has no one whatsoever. I can picture him going for drinks with his team or having some Muay Thai buddies that he could call up if he really was inclined. Maybe an old army buddy or two.

But there’s something about Tommy that’s just achingly lonely, both when he was at the 118 and now at Harbor.

Tommy had a broken home, or some other kind of unstable childhood. Maybe his parents split, maybe he was mistreated, maybe he was in the system or was passed around family members. Maybe he was isolated as a child because he was a little overweight (I think Lou said something along those lines) and was bullied. I think Tommy didn’t really have any friends until high school, when puberty hit and maybe he started working out and probably joined the football team. I don’t know if anyone remembers what teenage boys are like, but I can imagine they were the same as they are today back in the 90s/early 00’s. Because around this time, Tommy might’ve started to realize that something was very different about him.

Now this isn’t a meta about how I think Tommy dealt with his sexuality (maybe I’ll do one of those later) but I think he never would’ve risked his football friends knowing even if he himself could acknowledge it, which I doubt. So he messed around, got in trouble with these guys, hung out with the bros, and pretended to be interested in girl talk.

Of course, eventually, his buddies all got girlfriends and he was always the odd one out again.

He didn’t do college. The army was his next step. And I feel like this might have been the first time in his life he wasn’t lonely. He’d learned to blend in by this point and he worked with some great people. But as he started making real friends for the first time, he also started losing them as the war tore them away.

Tommy left the army and joined the fire department. There was an aching hole where the camaraderie of the army had filled previously and with no education beyond a high school diploma, Tommy thought the fire department would replicate that. Not the police though. He’d had enough of guns.

(And ohhhh now so many ideas on his thoughts during the sniper)

But he ended up at the 118 and quickly realized that his team had maybe more of a DADT stance than the army. He realized that he had to put on an elaborate act to fool his fellow firefighters, who had more time on their hands and more prejudice they were willing to wield to pick apart his life. Tommy, who maybe had only just started to acknowledge he felt differently about guys with less panic than before, had no choice but to backslide. He acted and acted and crafted a person he wasn’t until the day that maybe he was. Sal was his closest buddy at the 118 and Tommy had no doubt that Sal would be one of the first to make his life hell. Gerrard seemed to look at Tommy as some sort of mentee. Boxed in by two notorious bigots, Tommy had never felt more claustrophobically alone.

Chim was the first one to reach out a hand of friendship, or at least the first one that didn’t come with caution tape, but he was also an “other” and Tommy, who was confused and afraid and had just had his captain call his bluff on his fake girlfriend, lashed out. Then he allowed Chim in and Chim wasn’t interested in being besties but he was a great drinking buddy and movie buddy and Tommy felt safest around him.

Then Hen came and Tommy watched her get the same treatment he was afraid of. Not that he had to worry about the racism, and he was aware of the privilege, but Hen didn’t exactly hide herself and he watched them bully his lesbian coworker. He let himself get pulled into it all and hated himself for it, but was too cowardly to break away from it. He wasn’t sure why Hen had forgiven him, but she became the only other person on shift he felt even a little safe around other than Howie. But then Chimney and Hen became best friends and Tommy fell to the wayside. They still included him, sure, but they were always a pair and there was something there that Tommy didn’t know but longed for. A closeness he’d never felt.

A best friend. A juvenile idea to him, but one he’d never truly had.

Then Gerrard was gone and Sal got transferred and the 118 moved forward under Captain Nash, but Tommy felt left behind, even in what was the most united A shift team yet. Because he was over 30 and was starting to be unable to ignore everything that he’d had to hide under Gerrard, as he no longer had a distraction from it.

He’d been a pilot in the army, so he transferred to Harbor. And Harbor was great. He wasn’t best buds with anyone (he was starting to think that was never in the cards for him) but his team didn’t carry the same baggage that the 118 had.

So Tommy started to come to terms with himself. He started to date for the first time and came out to his team. And he had several boyfriends, but most couldn’t handle the job or his baggage or the desperate need he had to be wanted. His most long term partner cheated and the one he fell hardest for couldn’t deal when Tommy was injured on the job. Even within his own relationships, he felt like he was destined to stand alone.

Tommy was 39 years old and alone, as always, when Chimney walked back into his life, dragging an adorable and also extremely hot blonde and a stoic brunette that radiated ex military in a way only ex military could know. And then Hen was there and they were trying to rescue their captain and his wife and they clearly loved each other fiercely and like family.

And as Tommy listened, flying through the remnants of a cat 5 hurricane, he thought to himself that he should’ve never left. Simply just never found himself if only that meant being part of the family the 118 was now. However, he knew deep down that he still would’ve been alone and on the outside.

And they rescued the survivors and Tommy thought that was it but then Eddie wanted to hang out. And they liked the same things and had similar experiences and Tommy couldn’t help the hope. Because the loneliness had grown stifling and now he could breathe a little. And then Evan, the cute blonde, wanted a tour of the hanger and he thought that maybe he was being hit on.

And then at the end of it all, Tommy was left realizing that he’d wedged himself between two best friends and that was what happened when he allowed himself to hope. So he went to Evan to apologize. He would get Evan and Eddie to talk to each other and then would fade into the background.

But then Evan was sweet and apologetic and told him that he was part of the 118 family simply by helping them. Tommy couldn’t help it. Here he was, at 39, with a little boy still waiting inside of him to be soothed. And Evan was hot and sweet and Tommy couldn’t help himself.

And he really liked Evan. Evan was adorable. But their first date didn’t go as planned and Tommy knew he was already whipped. So he removed himself before someone could get hurt. Evan deserved better and so did he, even if the loneliness was stifling again.

But then Evan texted him and looked at him with sparkling blue eyes over too sweet coffee and wanted him. Him. He wanted Tommy and to have something with Tommy and he wanted him to come to his sister’s wedding with him.

And Tommy looked at him and saw someone who could finally fill the ache he’d felt his whole life. He saw a man who he knew he wanted to take a chance with. All he had to do was jump.

And he did.

And it wasn’t solved, not immediately and never fully. Too many wounds were left gaping for too long to ever heal. But for the first time in his life, at 39, with the 118 surrounding him and Buck as the sunshine at his side, Tommy finally felt at peace.

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me-myself-i-n-my-brain · 1 month

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You know, in all the posts I've seen about how great Leverage is (which are the posts that got me to watch the show!) there's one part of it that doesn't really come up. They take down the bad guys, and that's really cool, and the characters are incredible, and that's also really cool.

What gets me the most though? Is the jobs where they make things better.

The jobs where they do still take down the bad guys, give them their due, stop the harm. But they also make things better.

Sometimes it's small things, like the Tap Out Job where the guy they help gets to run the boxing club going forward, keep his people safe. The checks they sometimes give at the end of an episode, with a suggestion of what to use it for, fall into this theme.

Slightly bigger, you get things like the Underground Job where the mine will have proper safety equipment now and an owner who will keep it that way. Or the Blue Line Job, which comes with a show of solidarity between the guys that fight each other on the ice - but not when it could kill one of them. Not once they know. And now they'll make sure no one faces that risk again.

On a personal level, there's the Carnival Job, where a father ends up connecting with his daughter again by the end.

And then there's the episode that got me thinking about this.

The Gimme A K Street Job.

For once, they're doing a (mostly) legal job. And the end goal is simple: get laws into place so teenage girls won't get hurt from the lack of safety regulations.

And they do it.

And going forward, no more teenage girls are going to break their bones because they landed on a mat that doesn't give anything except the illusion of protection.

Leverage is different from the typical crime solving show because of the robin hood angle, sure. But it's also different because every now and then, they don't just catch the bad guy. Every now and then, they make things better.

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me-myself-i-n-my-brain · 4 months

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The comments on this video are literally the funniest thing [x]

Bonus absolute banger of a take:

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me-myself-i-n-my-brain · 5 months

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me-myself-i-n-my-brain · 7 months

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A Comparative Guide to OUR GOOD SHADOWS

A simple guide for queer (masc) people in search for some new show to watch!

23/08/29 UPDATE! - I've added Leverage and another question to the table.

List of series for future updates.

I hope you find this useful or at least entertaining, I thought of it while lying in bed half awake at 8am :)

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me-myself-i-n-my-brain · 7 months

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Leverage 1x9 - "The Snow Job"

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me-myself-i-n-my-brain · 1 year

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sees art with thick smooth line art: ah yes i want my art to look like that

sees art with sketchy thin line art: ah yes i want my art to look like that

sees lineless art: ah yes i want my art to

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me-myself-i-n-my-brain · 1 year

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TV Executives: “if the strike goes on, you won’t get new episodes of your favorite shows! You won’t get new movies you were looking forward to! Isn’t that terrible, what the writers are doing to you?”

Me: Bitch, that might have been an effective threat in 2007, but we have since survived a Covid shutdown and discovered ways to amuse ourselves while we waited, we can outwait this shit, too. I got a pile of shows saved I haven’t even watched yet, and a Mt. TBR waiting for me.

Compensate (and respect) your writers for their work, assholes.

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me-myself-i-n-my-brain · 1 year

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All of this. #WGAStrong

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me-myself-i-n-my-brain · 1 year

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Do this four times repeatedly and you’ll be out. But how does it work? There’s some real brain science behind it.

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me-myself-i-n-my-brain · 1 year

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Moreau doesn't give Eliot orders, is the thing.

Eliot knows orders. Eliot could follow orders in his sleep, bleeding out, in languages he doesn't even recognize if he had to. Eliot knows how to give orders, knows how to take orders, knows how to step away from the part that shivers when his CO gives him his target.

That is not what Moreau does.

Once, when Eliot is twenty seven and bored and very, very good at what he does, he kills an unkillable man.

He does it quickly, and quietly, and most importantly, he does it by completely abandoning every plan Moreau's strategists have. And Damien thinks it's grand! He's delighted to see someone so competent and functional in his employ.

So he lets Eliot do his thing. Damien offers him what nobody else could - he offers Eliot his respect. Eliot's not in it because he likes killing, he's in it because he's so very good at killing, and Damien is the one who recognizes that. Damien lets Eliot make plans, he invites Eliot to critique his operation, he listens and prioritizes and trusts Eliot's skill and knowledge, and in return he gets the most dangerous man in the world at his side.

The worst thing Eliot ever does isn't something Damien needs. That's not what Eliot says. Eliot did it for Moreau, not on Moreau's orders.

Eliot is the one who picks the target, Eliot is the one who sees the bigger picture and chooses to do it himself. Eliot does the worst thing in his life because he looks and sees some objective, something that would be good for Damien operation, something that would show his power in Damien's court.

And then his hands are bloody and he doesn't even feel it anymore. There's nothing except pride in a job well done, and it scare the shit out of him, and he can't even blame it on someone else now, can he?

He leaves, and Damien lets him, encourages him, even, because what are you going to do when the deadliest man you know says he's done? The man who you've always trusted and admired because he doesn't lie or brag or bluff tells you he doesn't want to kill anymore, and Damien knows that there's not a force on Earth that could bring Eliot back when he doesn't want to.

Damien Moreau never gave Eliot orders anyway.

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me-myself-i-n-my-brain · 1 year

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this quote always reminded me of supernatural

Thirty days of VM: Favourite romantic scene.

#supernatural #destiel

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me-myself-i-n-my-brain · 1 year

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honestly i've never understood what parents hope to achieve with guilt trippy statements like "i'm the person who raised you" or "i made you" or "i fed you, clothed you, and put a roof over your head" because like. yeah you did. but you chose to do that. that was a responsibility you decided to take upon yourself. it's got nothing to do with me. i literally had no say in the matter.

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me-myself-i-n-my-brain · 1 year

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