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What Really Matters When Opening Up
Learn about the importance of process vs. content
Very often, I get questions like this:
“Can going from infidelity to polyamory really work?”
“Can a relationship where one partner is monogamous and one is polyamorous really work?”
“Can ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’ policies really work?”
The truth is, I’ve seen all of the above work spectacularly – and I’ve seen them all fail, too. What matters to me isn’t really the specific relationship structure you want to create, or the specific situation you happen to be in. I’m more interested in this: can you have a good conversation with your partner about it?
It’s not that your relationship history or relationship structure are irrelevant. They might tell you something about what your growth edges are, or what challenges you are likely to face. (For instance, if there’s infidelity in your past, you will need to do some major repair, and build capacity for handling tough conversations very well.) But they’re not really the determining factor when it comes to relationship success. The determining factor is how well you and your partner(s) work with one another to move together towards whatever it is you want to create.
This ties in with an important distinction that I make in my therapy room between process and content. An easy way to think about it is that content is what you discuss, and process is how you discuss it. Of course, discussing differences between you can be very difficult at times, and bring up lots of complicated feelings. Still, how you do it is more important than the topic itself. If you can find a way to have a good process – one that’s curious, open-minded, unhurried, and respectful of both partners – very often, the content will sort itself out as you go.
Here are some ideas to help you focus on the process over the content:
Manage your reactions.It’s ok to have feelings, of course, but very often, when one partner starts to have a strong emotional reaction – whether that’s anger, or a shutdown, or weeping – the other partner will get activated too, and then neither of you will get the chance to really hear each other out. If you notice that you’re getting activated, take a break! Let your partner know “We can definitely talk about this, but I’ll do a better job if I take a break. We’ll come back to this (and decide together on a day and time).” You’ll both still be able to share all your thoughts and feelings, but you will have a better chance of hearing one another when you’re both grounded and calm. You might need to take lots of breaks, and that’s ok! There’s no rush here.
Put aside the outcome for now. If you have a particular relationship structure you want to try, that’s great. But if you’re in debate mode, trying to convince your partner, you’re going to put them on defense. Slow down, let go of the idea that this will be figured out right now, and focus on understanding each other. There’s no deadline to meet, just a whole lot of opportunity for mutual discovery.
Ease up on the timeline.Often partners start having conversations when they want or need to make a decision by a particular deadline or within a time frame. That’s ok, but if you are having challenging conversations on a deadline, it isn’t reasonable to expect your decision to be durable. I often recommend that my clients frame any action they decide on as an experiment – because things change, new information comes to light, and we reevaluate – but that’s especially true when you’re making decisions quickly, rather than allowing for a full exploration of multiple viewpoints. Whatever conclusion you come to for now, stay flexible; think of it as an experimental first try, rather than a way of moving forward.
Open yourself to possibility. Oftentimes partners get polarized, each holding down the fort for their personal favorite option. Then they either snipe back and forth, or settle on a compromise where no one gets what they want. The truth is, the more you argue, the more likely you are to lose sight of how many possibilities there really are. Consider not just options A and B, but options C, D, E, F … X, Y, and Z. Challenge yourself to think of as many options as you can – even super silly ones! There’s something really magical about throwing the gates wide open and getting creative.
Originally published on Psychology Today.
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How are you dating?
Self-assessment while searching for a partner
A while back, I wrote about how to pick a partner, with a focus on allowing your true personality and authentic self to rule out people who aren’t right for you. This time, I’m going to turn things around, and encourage you to consider how you can be more relational while you’re in the pursuit of a new partner.
Here are some questions to ponder:
How do you react to disagreement?Last time, I asked you to consider how the person you’re dating handles differences of opinion. The same question is relevant to you. When it emerges that you and the person you’re seeing might have a significant difference of opinion, how do you handle it? Do you shut down? Flare up? Go into “debate me” mode?
Consider this: in the early stages of a new relationship, most people are trying to impress and please. If your goal is to learn as much as you can in order to determine whether or not this person is right for you, it’s in your best interest to encourage them to be as honest as possible. If you tend to freak out when differences arise, it’s likely that they’ll end up sweeping those differences under the rug… and you won’t really find out about them until much later.
Being warm, kind, and curious when disagreements arise is a solid strategic choice. When you create a soft landing-place for vulnerable disclosures, you encourage honesty. It’s not about giving up your own opinion–it’s about supporting a productive conversation, where you can both be heard.
Are you comfortable saying no? Do you have a tendency to ghost (aka, stop replying to a potential partner’s messages, rather than telling them outright that you’re not interested)? Oftentimes, ghosting isn’t really a conscious decision; rather, we feel some kind of “ick” or some uncertainty that leads us to not want to respond right away, and then as time goes by, it becomes a rejection by silence.
If you tend to ghost, this is a great opportunity for you to practice discerning what you want and communicating with integrity and kindness about it. Most of us struggle to tell people things they don’t want to hear–but, like any other skill, we get better with practice. Rejecting potential partners is a perfect testing ground for this challenging skill.
Yes, it’s not super fun–but getting your practice in will be very worthwhile in the long run, because when you find someone you really want to stick with, you’ll still need to communicate with them about things they don’t want to hear. Now is a great time to get some practice melding honesty with kindness, while the stakes are a little lower.
Do you have a sense of what you’re seeking?Ultimately, I think a lot of people in the dating world don’t have a lot of clarity about their own discernment process. They might have a long list of “no’s” based on their exes, but they don’t have a strong positive sense of what they’re seeking.
Consider: Do you get bowled over when someone’s attracted to you, and lose sight of whether you really like them? Put aside the checklist for a moment – when you’re with them, are you having the kind of feelings you want to experience? Do you feel lit up? Excited? Comfortable? Engaged? Seen, heard, and respected? Your feelings are always going to be a better guide than a checklist. When you’re tapped into your most centered, solid self, what does your gut tell you?
Originally published on Psychology Today.
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How To Pick A Partner
Here’s a trap I see people fall into all the time during the early stages of dating: They think in terms of making their date like them–rather than wondering, do I like my date?
The trouble is, trying to make yourself a good fit for someone else - as tempting as it may be - means you lose the opportunity to screen out people who aren’t the right fit for you. At the end of the day, you’re trying to find someone who actually fits into your life. If you’re contorting yourself to present the most flattering image, you’re going to find someone who likes that version of you–but who might not be quite as excited when you start to let your hair down a couple months or years down the road. The goal is to find someone who enthusiastically, joyfully, and freely embraces you. Is anything less than that really worth your passionate commitment over the next few years of your life (and possibly beyond)?
If you see yourself in this, don’t worry. It’s incredibly common, and completely understandable. It’s a little scary to think that your personality actually functions as a screening tool. But it’s true, for absolutely everyone, whether you’re aware of it or not. You might as well make the screening process work for you!
When you’re in the early stages of dating, you have an amazing opportunity to learn about how you and the person you’re seeing interact before you’ve invested more time and energy into the relationship. When someone opts out of dating you because they realize you’re not a good fit, that’s victory. Whatever is actually authentically true for you, it will have to work for that other person.
If you want to empower yourself to screen potential partners for a good fit, here are a few tips:
Don’t avoid disagreement. The more you try not to disagree, the longer you invest in a relationship with someone where you have no idea how they're going to work with you when a disagreement inevitably arises. That doesn’t mean you should pick fights, but if you find yourself thinking ‘wow, I feel really differently about that,’ share it! Treat it as something interesting, an opportunity for you to learn more about each other, and see if your partner can do the same.
Often people are focused on finding someone that they think they won’t disagree with, rather than looking at what happens when they disagree. Of course, it is important to have similar interests, preferences, and goals! But the fact is, disagreements are inevitable in any long-term relationship. Ultimately, it may be better to be with someone who’s 75% aligned with you and able to listen empathetically and truly take in your perspective when you differ, rather than someone who’s 95% aligned with you, but who spirals any disagreement out of control.
Relax a bit. Find out how they react when you’re not all dolled up and looking your absolute best. Show up as the version of yourself that you’re going to be most of the time, and see what happens. Do you still feel attractive and desired?
Consider these key questions.
Are they curious about your perspective? Do they show a desire to learn more about you?
When you have a difference of opinion, are they attuned and respectful, or dismissive? Do they collaborate with you to work through it, or do they sweep it under the rug?
How do you feel when you’re with them? Is it a good experience? How do you feel about yourself, and about them?
Do you feel considered and seen?
Are the parts of yourself that you want to be awake and alive coming to the surface in your interactions?
Are they open to learning from you?
Do you enjoy learning from them?
Tap into yourself. Oftentimes, people are very caught up in questions like “Do they like me? Do I look attractive right now? Did the thing I said just now weird them out?” Alternatively, it’s common to get caught up in the experience of being liked, and lose track of your own opinion about the other person.
Continually assessing, evaluating, and guessing about your date’s reaction to you can disconnect you from what you’re actually feeling. If you’re mostly focused on trying to see and judge yourself through their eyes, you might be losing track of what you actually think of them. Try to center yourself. Take a deep breath and connect with your body. What are you feeling when you think about them? When you’re with them? Do you feel lit up? Alive? Free? Or do you feel shut down, stressed out, or unheard?
Wherever you are in the process of finding a partner, you deserve to feel empowered. Here’s to you finding someone who truly lights you up.
Originally published on Psychology Today.
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Supporting Your Clients in Acting Relationally
Last time, I wrote about what it means to act relationally. This essential relationship skill is what allows us to resolve impasses–which are an inevitable component of sharing your life with another person. It involves balancing your own desires, preferences, and beliefs with those of your partners; it’s a journey, rather than a destination, and calls on us to act with curiosity, patience, creativity, and intention. If you need to review, here’s the article.
This time, I’m going to be tackling it from the therapist’s side. Acting relationally is necessary for any healthy long-term relationship, and it’s also likely that your clients are struggling with it, at least some of the time. After all, it’s far from easy! So, how do you help support your clients in acting relationally?
Acting relationally starts with managing automatic reactions. By that, I mean the self-protective responses that instinctively flare up when someone feels threatened, trapped, or otherwise stressed. Everyone has these responses. They’re perfectly natural; in fact, they’re essential, because they keep people safe in dangerous situations. The problem is that most of the situations people face on a daily basis aren’t truly life-or-death, but they might still react to them as if they are.
Compare that to a relational mode of being. Being relational calls for intentionally–if not always perfectly–cultivating a calm, considered, and curious spirit. When someone is in a relational mode, they’re holding their own thoughts and feelings alongside their partner’s thoughts and feelings, and they’re treating both with a similar amount of respect.
As a therapist, I see my role as helping my clients identify their goals, working with them to clarify the vision they’re striving for, and supporting them in the change process. If your client’s goals involve having a stronger and healthier relationship, learning to act relationally will serve them. No matter what your client’s triggered reactions tend to be, they’re almost certainly not relational. They probably aren’t serving your client in the task of building a trusting and intimate relationship.
It takes some serious motivation to overcome one’s natural and instinctive self-protective responses, so this process starts with identifying the client’s motivation. How do they want to show up in the world? What kind of partner do they want to be? And what will they get out of this change? Change is hard, so it has to be compelling in order for your client to be willing to put in the work.
For example, imagine a client who has had a history of blowing up when their partner tells them something they don’t want to hear. Over time, their partner has started to hold back information when they anticipate a blow-up. Your client doesn’t like not knowing the whole story. They want their partner to tell them the whole truth. Maybe they have enough insight to realize that their habit of blowing up is making that difficult, or maybe you as the therapist help them understand the role they are playing in their relationship dynamic. They decide that their goal is to become someone who it’s easy to tell the truth to, no matter what that truth may be.
After helping my client tease out their goal, I would give them plenty of props for being so insightful and for being willing to embrace the challenge of personal growth. I would help magnify their vision, encouraging them to think about how wonderful and empowering it will feel to be able to choose how they show up, no matter how their partner is acting. Then, I would settle in for the long haul, and prepare to give them lots of practice managing tough emotions and strong reactions under the stress of difficult conversations, as they move closer to their vision, one step at a time.
Originally published on Psychology Today.
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Resolving Disagreements? The Power of “Acting Relationally”
Finding the interplay between your partner’s desires and your own
Let’s start by considering two case studies.
Lars and Marcus are a married couple. Recently, Lars has been learning a lot about the paleo diet. He’s been having some joint pain, and he thinks trying out a new way of eating will help. Swept up in the enthusiasm, he goes through their cupboards and purges out all the grains, sugar, dairy, and legumes, and replaces them with new, paleo-friendly foods. When Marcus comes home, he’s horrified. “What the heck am I supposed to cook for dinner?”
“But, Marcus!” Lars says, “I need to really stick to this new program. I can’t have food around that will tempt me to break my diet.”
Ok, now let’s take another example. Marina and Yousef live in a pretty conventional, suburban neighborhood, but Yousef’s been reading about urban farming and permaculture, and getting excited. He wants to replace their lawn with a vegetable garden and a restored prairie full of pollinator-friendly native plants. He orders an array of seed packets online, and explains the idea to Marina.
“I’m sorry, but there’s no way,” Marina says. “Our neighbors will never go for it, and I don’t want to stick out like a sore thumb on the whole block. Besides, I’m not signing up for all the weeding and maintenance once your energy runs out.”
“Ok, just forget about it,” Yousef says. Not wanting to fight, he throws the new seed packets into the junk drawer and tries to forget about the idea.
What’s the similarity between these two stories?
In each, we’re seeing a difference of opinion between partners play out; in the first, Lars has a preference, and in his excitement, he isn’t taking Marcus’ preferences into account, whereas in the second example, Yousef is quickly giving up on his preference in order to avoid conflict. In my opinion, in both cases, the partners are not acting relationally.
Acting relationally is one of those core skills that makes long-term relationships work. I define it as “holding self and other simultaneously.” When partners act relationally, each one of them is aware of their own beliefs, preferences, and desires, but also attuned to their partner. They’re aware that they may have different beliefs and preferences from their partner, but they’re not taking that personally; instead, they’re allowing themselves to get curious about their partner’s perspective. When a person is in a relational space, they’re thinking about how their partner might be affected by their choices and actions, and curious about how they might work together as a team to cohabitate in ways that leverage their strengths and create a nice environment for all.
Acting relationally is not the same thing as a transactional compromise, where each partner gets a little of what they want and gives up a little. It’s a process, and it doesn’t have a guaranteed outcome; everything depends on what emerges as you learn more about your partner, and share more about yourself.
That’s part of what makes it difficult to operate relationally–you have to be patient through the process, and hold steady, even if the topic is one that provokes anxiety for you. But that’s also what’s magical about operating relationally; you don’t know exactly what you’ll decide in the end, but working together brings you and your partner closer, and creates space for new possibilities that you could never have anticipated. Often, in my experience, the end result emerges as something much better than what either partner could have come up with on their own!
Here’s another example: Let’s say you want to open up your relationship, but your partner is reluctant. You’re torn between wanting what you want, and wanting to be in a relational stance with your partner.
If you tune in to your partner’s wavelength, you would have to get curious about their emotions, what they are experiencing, what they worry about or are afraid of. If you do that, you risk empathizing with them. Then you might end up being influenced by them, and that might lead to you shifting in what you want. Acting relationally requires you to be open to influence from your partner–without losing track of yourself in the process. That, ultimately, is how partners work with their differences, in a gradually evolving dance of mutual respect, empathy, and compassion for both self and other… and come out the other side stronger for it.
So, how do you think you’re doing when it comes to acting relationally? Is there room to grow? If so, here are a few questions you might reflect on:
Am I able to get in touch with what I want, and then hold my desire gently while also getting curious about my partner’s point of view?
When I disagree with my partner, am I able to hold both viewpoints at the same time?
Am I willing to be in the discomfort of holding multiple points of view over time?
How will this benefit me?
How will I coach myself to stay with it when I get anxious about the outcome?
How will I support my partner when they feel anxious about the outcome?
Why is it important to me to stay in a relational stance, even with tension, over time?
What thoughts might I cultivate, regarding myself, my partner, and our future, that would support us both as we explore sharing influence and multiple perspectives, and feeling uncomfortable along the way?
Originally published on Psychology Today.
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Desire Discrepancy in the Early Parenting Years, Part Two
The Higher Desire Partner’s Side
Last time, I wrote about a desire discrepancy in the early parenting years from the side of the lower-desire partner. This time around, I’m going to discuss this with the higher-desired partner in mind.
Being a higher-desire partner isn’t easy! It can involve a lot of rejection. You might feel stuck, powerless, or trapped. You might be wondering if your relationship will ever be the same, or worrying that your partner isn’t attracted to you in the same way they used to be before kids entered the picture.
On top of that, all of a sudden you’ve got a lot more stress with all the new challenges of parenting, and a lot less sex. If sex helps you unwind, this is a difficult equation to balance. And if sex is a way you love to connect with your partner, you might be feeling less connected, too.
It’s painful, and it’s tough – but there’s good news, too. First of all, you and your partner are adjusting to a whole new world. It’s very understandable that, with less time and more on your plate, it’s hard to fit in the same sexual connection you’ve been accustomed to. But you’re just at the beginning of this grand adventure, and you’re tackling it as a team. There’s lots of time and opportunity to adjust, to learn more about your new patterns, and to find ways to stay connected.
Nothing is guaranteed in this world, and I certainly can’t promise you that if you follow my advice you’re going to have a bunch of great sex. However, here’s the key insight: relationships are a collaborative endeavor. Every partner contributes something to the relationship dynamic. And if you can figure out what you’re contributing, you’re much more likely to see a shift in the entire dynamic.
Here’s where I’d start:
Don’t panic and don’t catastrophize. Seasons in our lives come and go, and some seasons are not the time for our best sex ever! Especially in a huge adjustment period like this one, when you and your partner are both learning all the complexities of how to manage an expanding family, it makes sense that your usual routines will get thrown out of whack. It doesn’t mean that there’s something wrong with you or your relationship, and it won’t last forever.
Notice your own meaning-making. When we feel rejected, it’s easy to spin out with stories like “I must not be attractive anymore” or “They must have their eyes on someone else” or any number of panic-inducing narratives. When our emotions are running high, it’s easy to convince ourselves that the scariest possible interpretation of the situation is the truth. Be mindful of this tendency, and if you find yourself spinning out a lot, it might be worth checking some of your assumptions with your partner.
Be your own best erotic partner. If sex is your stress release, make sure that you have a fulfilling and empowering self-sexual relationship. I think we often think of self-pleasure as being somehow lesser than a partnered sexual experience. But you are your own first, best, and closest erotic partner, and this is a good opportunity to honor that.
Tap into your most gentle, generous self. Be mindful of your emotional reactions when you feel rejected. Of course, feeling rejected is painful. It’s completely understandable if you feel a little wounded, and it can be hard to manage those emotions. So, ask yourself: What kind of self care will enable you to bring your best self to your complex life? Can you challenge yourself to practice curiosity about your partner’s experience and let empathy carry the day? Often, staying in touch with your values helps; what kind of parent do you aspire to be? What kind of a partner? Why are those things important to you? What will they require of you? What will be the benefit to you when you show up in alignment with your values?
As I said before, I can’t guarantee that anything you do will make your partner want to have sex; that’s just not the way the world works. But I can pretty much guarantee that putting pressure on your partner–even if it’s subtle, even if it’s unintentional–will make them have less desire. I’ve seen it a million times in my therapy room: if one partner doesn’t feel completely comfortable saying “no,” they start wanting to avoid any situation that could lead to intimacy. Often, over time, it’s not just sex that’s off that table; it’s cuddling, kissing, anything that could lead to an experience of feeling even very subtle pressure for sex. On the other hand, if you can stay calm, warm, and kind, even when it's hard, you’ll be doing your best to foster an environment where it’s fun and easy to connect intimately, and much easier to reconnect when time allows.
Consider rethinking some of your sexual habits. The sexual routines we fall into over time can also accidentally create pressure. Penetration, for instance, is a pretty high-stakes sexual activity. It can require quite a lot of time and emotional bandwidth, and everyone’s body needs to be functioning really well in order for it to work. If you can have sex in a way that doesn’t require penetration, for instance – or whatever other activity might be making things a little more complicated than they need to be – you might be able to take a lot of the pressure off any given sexual interaction, and as a result, enjoy your time together a lot more.
How can you connect intimately in a way that doesn’t require quite as much time or bandwidth? Be creative and don’t get bogged down in cliches about what counts as “real” sex. For example, many people get through tough times with mutual self-pleasure, or even one-way self-pleasure side by side, all of which can be extremely sexy.
Strengthen your teamwork. Being completely overwhelmed, exhausted, sleep deprived, and stressed out is not a recipe for great sex. If that’s part of what your partner is feeling, it’s worth taking a hard and honest look at your household contributions. Are you pulling your fair share? Are there ways you can lighten your partner’s load? Can you afford to hire some help? Now is a great time to put time, effort, and resources into anything you can think of that will lighten the load.
Originally published on Psychology Today.
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Desire Discrepancy in the Early Parenting Years
The lower-desire partner’s side
Kids change everything. For the most part, that’s wonderful – but it is also true that having a child is a big transition involving quite a bit of work, exhaustion, deep love, changes in focus, personal life change, physiological effects, and of course a reorganization of the family. For many, this happens concurrently with recovering and recalibrating physically and emotionally from the complicated experiences around childbirth.
Not surprisingly, all of this can be tough on a relationship. Often, new parents find themselves dealing with a brand-new desire discrepancy, or an existing one that’s being dramatically widened. So, what’s a new parent to do?
I’ll start by discussing things from the lower-desire partner’s side, and tackle the higher-desire partner’s side in part 2.
A quick note before I continue: kids join families in any number of ways, including birth, adoption, surrogacy, fostering, and more. Each has its own particular challenges, and no matter how your kids join your family, it’s a big life change that can potentially impact desire. In addition, giving birth can have some pretty intense effects on desire; I’ll address some of those impacts more specifically in the next section.
Be gentle with yourself. Having reduced desire in the early days of parenting is completely normal and understandable. If you’re postpartum, you are experiencing a number of physiological changes that can affect desire, including hormone fluctuations. Many people experience changes in desire as a result of anemia, postpartum depression or anxiety, and shifts in pelvic sensation to name just a few causes. On top of that, the birth experience itself can be traumatic in any number of ways, and might result in difficult feelings about your body. That’s on top of all the other new stresses, increased responsibilities, and big changes you’ll be experiencing. Give yourself some grace.
Double down on anxiety management skills. Anxiety does not play well with arousal, and having a new child is likely to put your limbic system on hyper-alert. There’s a brand-new, helpless, precious little human in the world, and you’re responsible for keeping them safe! It makes perfect sense that parents experience a certain kind of vigilance in the first few years of parenting–and that will definitely affect arousal and desire. Guarding a life takes precedence over having sex, from a physiological perspective.
Get clear on what you want. Are you missing the sexual connection with your partner? Quiet moments of relaxed intimacy? Or does getting time to yourself to recharge feel most pressing? Life has many seasons, and in a season involving such big life transitions, there is not one right answer or “correct” way of being. As you ask yourself what you want, be open to whatever emerges, and be prepared to honor multiple aspects to the best of your ability.
Fill your cup. When you’re overwhelmed, it’s hard to want much of anything, besides a break! Are you still connected with the things that make you feel vibrant, joyful, and alive? Building a little more joy into your life doesn’t have to eat up a lot of time. There’s a small exercise I like to do to attune myself to the pleasurable aspects of my life, no matter how small. It’s easy, and you can do it in 5 minutes or less, and even while holding a baby or playing with a child:
Very often, when something pleasurable happens, we experience it for a split second, and then move right on. So, as an experiment, when something pleasurable happens, intentionally and consciously notice it. This could be a delicious smell, a lovely texture, a sweet moment with a loved one, a warm bath, cozy slippers, a sip of coffee–anything that makes you go “ahhhh.”
Pause. Your job now is to let the moment of enjoyment expand a little longer than you would usually allow it to.
Take a deep breath. Perhaps close your eyes–whatever helps you to gently rest your awareness on the pleasurable sensation. Don’t chase it, just let it in.
Spend a little while here, receiving this experience and allowing it to expand inside of you until you feel a sense of satisfaction.
Give yourself a little appreciation; you just improved your own day.
If you would like to be having more sex… reevaluate your sexual routine. One reason new parents stop having sex regularly is because the sexual routines they’ve had up to this point don’t match the current limitations and realities of a busy life with a child. Do your sexual routines require either an amount or quality of time or energy that is hard to access right now?
Ask yourself: how would you generate pleasure and connection? What kind of energy do you have available? If you think outside of the box about what sex is supposed to look like, what might you enjoy that takes the exact kind of energy you have, and doesn’t require something you can’t quite reach?
Be creative! If you’re having trouble getting out of “parent mode” and concentrating on your experience of pleasure, maybe you can incorporate a little intentional self-soothing practice to switch over your mindset. If you’re feeling “touched out” from having a child clinging to you all day, maybe some steamy talk and side-by-side self-pleasure would relax you more than something that involves a lot of physical closeness. The more flexible you can be, the more likely you will find ways to fit meaningful sexual and intimate connection into your busy life.
Originally published onPsychology Today.
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Why “bringing the fun” is key to therapy
Joy, juiciness, and motivation!
As a therapist, I see myself as guiding my clients through a change process. Changing our established patterns is not easy (understatement of the century here). That’s one big reason why I focus so much on self-motivated goals in therapy.
By self-motivated goals, I mean goals that your client wants to achieve for their own reasons. Without a self-motivated goal, there’s nowhere to go. Basically, if your client doesn't have a goal that is meaningful to them, you don’t have a client.
That doesn’t mean they need to know what their goal is right away–often, part of the process is getting clear on this together. But at the end of the day, their own desire to achieve or experience something that will make a difference to them is what’s going to carry them through.
And, because the change process is full of setbacks and frustrations, and requires doing battle with ingrained habits, it helps if the goals are juicy and the motivation is high. The more potential payoff–and the more in touch with that payoff your client is–the better equipped they will be to get through the challenges that are bound to arise.
So the change process requires three things:
A goal or aspiration that is within one’s own sphere of influence (as opposed to a wish for something external to change)
A clear vision of the desired outcome to one’s self
A strong connection to the importance of the change
To help your client clarify their motivation and get in touch with the potential payoff, you could ask:
What would you like to experience that is different from what you are experiencing now? This would be an experience within yourself, not an external circumstance.
Why is having that experience important? To you? To others? To the larger community or the future?
What will your life look like once you have nailed this? What will you be doing differently?
How will you feel about yourself, your partner, and your future when you get there?
Look for the fun and zoom in on it! The more juicy, delightful, and clear the vision is, the better.
Let’s say you’re working with a client who tends to rely on their partner to regulate their emotions, so when their partner has a tough day, the client gets blown off course and their own emotional state suffers.
Using the questions above, you might start by asking them what they want to experience instead. Ideally, they will respond that they want to stay grounded in their own emotional state, even if their partner has a tough day or is in a bad mood.
From there, help them get clear on why it’s important. Hopefully, it is important to them, but don’t stop there; there also might be benefits to others. The more benefits, the better. I want to help them feel their way into a beautiful possibility, so they can move towards a future that is worth having. And a future worth having is a future worth fighting for.
Your role here is to help them bring the joy and juiciness to the project. This is when I use the most mood-evoking questions I possibly can, and lean into the feeling with my tone of voice: “What will it feel like to come home at the end of the day knowing you can be empathetic to your partner and still have a stable mood yourself?”
As we discuss what this experience will be like, I continue to focus on elevating and strengthening the luscious emotions associated with the desired outcome: “Wow. That sounds amazing. You could have a great day no matter what! That would be worth a lot, wouldn’t it? What would become possible for you? It seems like you would save a lot of energy; what would you do with it?”
The more benefits, clarity, and elevated emotions, the more motivation. And motivation is the fuel they will need (and that you will help them use) when the going gets tough and automatic reactions threaten to take over.
Next time you’re in the therapy room and feel like you and your client are just coming up against roadblock after roadblock, ask yourself: what does my client want for themself? Do we have clear goals, and then… where’s the juice? Where’s the joy that would drive the motivation?
Originally published on Psychology Today.
If you need more help, call me for an appointment.
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A Gentle Approach to Desire Discrepancy
Building Capacity for Pleasurable Connection
There are a lot of reasons I don’t recommend that clients “just do it” to resolve a desire discrepancy:
Your client may have unresolved sex pain, which can lead to emotional, physical, and relational damage if left untreated. (More on sex pain here.)
Your client may be experiencing consent violations in their relationship; consent violations can be very subtle, or even entirely internal, and still cause serious harm. (More on subtle consent violations here.)
Your client may be asexual, meaning that “having more sex” may not be an expectable or desirable treatment outcome for them, and a course of therapy focused on increasing desire when they don’t want it would be marginalizing. Because asexuality is still underrepresented, your client may be asexual without yet realizing it. (More on asexuality here.)
Your client may have experienced sexual trauma; “just do it” is not a trauma-informed perspective or intervention, and is likely to do harm.
Even beyond those considerations, recommending clients jump in and “just do it” may do more harm than good. When partners aren’t having sex, and they’re unhappy about it, they’re probably disconnected in a number of ways. Whether they’re lying next to each other in bed at night, or just doing chores in the same small space, there’s a wall that’s gone up somewhere between them. Whatever underlying dynamics are creating this disconnection, asking them to have icebreaker sex is not just asking a lot; in fact, it’s likely to create further blocks.
So, once you’ve assessed and discussed all the foundational conditions I covered above, how do you start to make progress?
Let’s say your client wants to experience more sex, does not experience pain with sex, and isn’t feeling coerced. From there, there are a lot of options, but one great place to start is by building embodiment. Very often, I’ll find that my clients are disconnected from their own bodies, and with that, shut out from their experience of pleasure. I ask my clients: What would happen if you started noticing your experience of pleasure? I’m not talking about just in the context of intimate touch–I’m talking about everyday, accessible moments of physical pleasure, like:
The feeling of warm water on your hands when you wash the dishes
A beam of sun hitting your face when you step outside
A pet curled up in your lap
Getting into a bed with clean sheets
Touching the petals of a flower
Etc. (This is where I ask my client when they experience sensations that are pleasurable as part of their everyday life.)
As a person begins to experience more connection with pleasure, they are simultaneously increasing their experience of embodiment, because sensations happen in the body. Focusing on pleasure and noticing it when it happens naturally is a great first step; then, they can focus on intentionally making the pleasurable experience longer and deeper, with increased awareness of the bodily experience.
For some people, this takes a long time to build; for others, it just needs a little time and attention. For those who have physical or sexual trauma in their past, or a current experience of pain, the body may not yet feel like a very safe place to be. In that case, it will be worthwhile to slow down and focus on building safety, security, and self-efficacy as a foundational piece of this work. A good therapist or coach can help with this.
If the goal is ultimately to include a partner in an experience of pleasure, consider how to make an incremental progression so your client can organically build the skills and capacity for connection with another person while experiencing physical pleasure. One way to begin might be to share an experience of daily pleasure with their partner. That could start very small—say, with sitting across the table, holding cups of tea, breathing in the steam and relaxing together, appreciating the multi-sensory experience.
Many people already do this without much conscious awareness—for instance, sipping coffee together in the morning and sharing an “ahhhh” moment and a smile. The project here would be to make it conscious; increasing an awareness of both the sensory experience and the connection between people, and then allowing it to grow, and intentionally encouraging it to be a substantial, important, and purposeful shared experience of pleasure.
You can build from there to small, low-anxiety forms of touch. If, say, sex is a 10 on a scale of anxiety-producing touch, and coffee is a 0, shoot for something between 2 and 4. That might be holding hands while out on a walk, snuggling up on the couch while watching a movie, or sharing a shoulder massage. It should be comfortable, easeful, and just a little anxiety producing–because that activation makes things feel alive, and the goal is to stretch.
Remember to tap into the skills built already: tune in to the body, notice all the sensations, intentionally grow positive sensations, and attend to the connection between partners, as well as the bodily and sensory connection with self. Cultivate awareness of your own experience, as well as your partner’s experience, and see if you can build pleasure for both.
Originally published on Psychology Today.
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“I Don't Have Enough Time to Connect With My Partner"
Strategies for a common relationship challenge
“I want to connect intimately with my partner–to have great, super-passionate sex, or even just to cuddle and gaze into each other’s eyes for a little while. But I have to get the kids to school, and get everything done for my job, and take Mom to her doctor’s appointments, and the new puppy isn’t housetrained, and… and… and…”
If you feel like you have too much on your plate, and an ever-smaller portion is getting allocated to romantic time, you’re in good company. This is one of the most common things I hear from my clients. We’ve all got tons of responsibilities, tons of work, tons of projects, and anything that’s not 100% pressing tends to get pushed back and then even further back. (Ask me how I know! I’ve got every burner running in my life, too.)
So, what’s an overachiever to do?
Get in touch with what you really want. Focus on the emotions here. Consider: What do I want to experience? Feelings of being engaged, fulfilled, connected, or…? What kinds of activities (or inactivity) give me the experiences I am seeking?
Take stock of the many activities that are filling up your time. Which ones give back to you? Which ones light you up? And which ones drain your energy?
Prepare for discovery. It’s possible that this internal assessment will result in discovering that having some peace and quiet or “me” time comes before sex. That’s perfectly fine and very common! In that case, it will be interesting to see what happens when you get that need met. Will you find yourself with more energy for things like sex and romance? Maybe, maybe not, but it’s worth trying the experiment just to learn more.
Look for your inner motivation. What do I want more of, and why? If you want more sex or connection with your partner, why do you want that? How will it serve you? Why is it important? Perhaps because it feels great to be close, because it makes you feel loved and chosen, because it feels wonderful to have access to a different side of your partner–whatever’s true for you. Find the internal motivation that enables you to actually do what is necessary to make it happen.
Prepare to let some things go. Acknowledge that in any given period of time you probably won’t get everything you could possibly want, or do everything you could possibly do. Figure out realistically how often you are willing to give something else up to make room for the things that keep falling off your list (but that you really want for yourself). Hint: many people drop some of the things that drain energy in order to make room for some things that create beautiful energy.
Organize yourself around taking action on what is important to you. If the change you want was going to happen automatically, it would already have happened. You will probably need to take some action to make something different happen, and you can leverage your motivation (see above) to help you take action. Focus on why it is important and how it will pay off if this feels like a stretch or a challenge.
Consider asking for assistance. Would this be more successful if you and your partner took a teamwork approach? Maybe a burst-of-energy applied to household responsibilities could free up a little time for both of you. In my home, this might be a 30 minute cleaning frenzy to create some psychic space for enjoyment in a less chaotic space, or maybe one of us tackling some errands while the other does yardwork, so we both will have an hour free at 3 pm. Working together as a team with focused energy tends to bring up the tone of interactions as a whole. That’s likely to have cascading effects for every part of your relationship, and it might also result in more sex. Try it yourself if you haven’t!
If need be, call on more hands. You might consider enlisting your larger community: can your friends or family take the kids for a night? Can you consider a trade with friends–maybe treating them to dinner in exchange for help with a task that’s been looming over your head? Can you plan a “paperwork party” or “extra-stuff-purge party” or “mending party” with music, snacks, and company to get through some of the tasks that are distracting you from connection?
Since we’ve all recently been through a global pandemic, I also want to highlight that there are seasons in life. Some seasons have room for more sex, some are for recuperation, and some can be crisis times when it works best to just keep your head down and keep moving.
If you are in a crisis period, don’t beat yourself up over not having as much time or desire for connection. However, it’s very worth putting some serious thought into how you will intentionally recover once the crisis is over:
How are you and your partner going to work together, making sure you can bounce back from this busy season?
How will you know when the crisis is over and you can start moving back towards each other?
How do you create the space within yourself to allow your partner to start moving back towards you?
How do you break the habit of feeling super stressed out?
Being intentional about this makes all the difference, because it can be easy to fall into a habit of just moving farther apart as life places more demands on us.
Originally published on Psychology Today.
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Don’t Set Yourself Up for Broken Agreements
How to talk through the most uncomfortable topics.
One thing I love about working with polyamorous people is that they tend to prioritize honesty, forthrightness, and clarity in the process of making relationship agreements. That said, we’re all only human, and people in polyamorous relationships are certainly not immune to broken agreements. Valuing honesty is a great first step, but it might not be enough when the rubber meets the road and you have to tell your partner something that makes your stomach churn.
At the end of the day, that’s what it comes down to: can you be honest with your partner about something that you’re fairly certain they won’t want to hear? Most of the time, the root cause of broken agreements is not maliciousness or callousness. It’s conflict avoidance.
Conflict avoidance is common and very understandable. Sometimes it looks like people-pleasing, other times just trying not to hurt someone you care about; sometimes you might not yet really know what you want, making it difficult to have an honest conversation about it. But in all of these examples, the underlying dynamic is avoiding a tough conversation for one reason or another.
Unfortunately, avoiding conflict makes it difficult to create good agreements, in addition to making it challenging to repair relationships effectively if something goes wrong. The good news is that becoming good at facing tough conversations with integrity is totally possible, and will allow you to reap the rewards in every kind of relationship for years to come.
Conflict-Avoidance and Negotiating Agreements
Stepping outside of monogamy-centric assumptions about fidelity means that you’re going to need to have more and deeper conversations with your partner about what you each envision for your relationship. Those conversations will certainly require you to delve deep into emotionally challenging topics like jealousy, primacy, intimacy, sex, and more.
Attempting to avoid conflict, or protect either yourself or your partner from discomfort when you discuss these or other difficult topics, can lead to a variety of problems. It might result in relationship agreements that are fuzzy and unclear or plagued by loopholes, which is a recipe for trouble when it turns out you and your partner had totally different ideas about what you actually agreed to. It can also mean that you end up avoiding the very topics that you and your partner most need to talk openly and honestly about.
What can you do to set yourself up for success? Here’s a step-by-step:
Get grounded. Before you even begin to talk, get grounded and figure out what one thing is most important to you to express first; then stick with that for now.
Take it slow. You don’t have to figure everything out in the first conversation you have, or the second, or the tenth. You and your partner will both benefit from ample time to reflect, explore, and consider one another’s perspectives.Consider setting a timer for ten minutes to remind you to take frequent breaks from the conversation to avoid overwhelm or escalation.You might also consider having one person speak and the other listen and ask clarifying questions, rather than entering into a back and forth right away. Then, take a sizable break before switching roles.
This is not a decision-making process…yet. You can take your time to learn more about yourself and about your partner. You’re not going to lose anything by taking your time now, and deep understanding comes before effective decision-making. When you are in the role of speaking about your experience, let your partner’s questions help you get to know yourself better. When you are in the role of listening/getting curious, let your empathy show you what this looks like from your partner’s perspective, with their unique viewpoint.
Plan to take frequent breaks. As you begin talking about what is important to you, and really letting yourself hear and understand what is important to others in your life, make sure you agree ahead of time that you will take a break if a discussion gets heated. This seemingly simple step will save you a world of trouble but often is overlooked, in part because it is not as easy as it sounds.
Cultivate gentleness, warmth, and curiosity about your partner’s experience and perspective. What they are telling you is a precious thing. It’s a unique perspective you can only understand by really engaging with them and allowing yourself to really let in what they are telling you about their thoughts, feelings, and desires. If you become defensive, go on the attack, or shut down, it will effectively end the vulnerability and honesty you are hoping to foster. If you start to experience a lot of emotion or get bogged down, take a break. Remember, this stage of things is not a decision-making process. There is no rush.
Get curious about your own discomfort. Take uncomfortable emotions that arise as a signal to explore a bit more, and gently, rather than to pull away. This requires going slowly; as slowly as it takes to stay grounded and leaning toward one another emotionally, rather than getting guarded and pulling away.
Consider setting a timer for ten minutes to remind you to take frequent breaks from the conversation to avoid overwhelm or escalation.
You might also consider having one person speak and the other listen and ask clarifying questions, rather than entering into a back and forth right away. Then, take a sizable break before switching roles.
As you practice these skills, they’ll get easier and easier, and you’ll probably find you have much less to fear from deep and serious conversations with your partner than you might have thought.
In my next installment, I’ll discuss how avoiding conflict can play out in problematic ways when you’re juggling responsibilities to multiple different partners. Stay tuned.
This blog was originally posted at Psychology Today
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Cultivating Desire for Your Partner
Don’t wait for your partner to change
I often have clients come to me with the stated goal “I want to feel desire for my partner again.” This is not a bad goal at the surface. However, I often discover that underneath they are harboring a hope that their partner will change in some manner. The assumption is that if the partner would change, then renewed attraction, leading to desire, would automatically bloom.
There are two problems here:
Nobody can change your partner other than your partner, so if you’re focusing your attention and aspiration on the hope that your partner will change something, you are destined to feel frustrated, disappointed, and powerless to improve your own happiness. Your partner might change, but if so, it will be because they want to, for their own reasons and freely chosen.
While desire can certainly be inspired by things outside of yourself, it is primarily about the relationship and connection between you and yourself–your attention, presence, focus, and awareness. So even if your partner decides to change in exactly the ways you want them to, you may still not experience the desire you are hoping for. More importantly, you probably can generate a lot of interest, curiosity, attraction, fascination, and desire–both for your partner, and for life in general–without your partner changing anything about themselves at all.
Shift your attention from them to you
Here’s a hard pill to swallow: I can’t change your partner, and neither can you. Rather than focusing on what you want them to change, or what annoys you about them, tune in to what’s going on inside yourself. How are you showing up in your relationship? What change in yourself would be both meaningful to you, and also have a positive effect on your relationship?
For instance, if you want to feel turned on, what do you do to experience a feeling of being turned on? When in your life do you feel really alive, juicy, engaged, and fully awake…or in other words, turned on? If you’re getting a sense that this isn’t just about sex, you’re exactly right. Sex is one way to experience engagement and juiciness, but it is not the only way by a long shot. It is easy to lose the habit of engagement, presence, and attention. This is true of sex, and also of zest for life in general; it’s actually possible to build a habit of tuning in to what’s joyful and pleasurable, and building that skillset will most likely improve your life in a whole variety of areas, including but not limited to your erotic life. If you want to feel turned on, you probably need more of a lot of things, including focus, attention, pleasant experiences, awareness of sensation in daily life, awareness of positive experiences, and some practice enhancing and sustaining these turned-on moments by using your mind to make them stronger, rather than weaker.
Which brings us to another important question: what do you do now that results in turning yourself off? Turn-offs probably include thoughts about yourself, thoughts about your partner, thoughts about life in general and your future together. Can you identify some of your “turn-off” thoughts? When do they tend to crop up? Can you imagine what thoughts you might choose to think instead, that could turn you on instead of off?
Actions can also be turn offs. For instance, do you turn on the TV when you’re spending an evening together, or do you pour your partner a cup of tea and ask them about their day with genuine curiosity? Consider: What actions do you choose that effectively turn yourself off? What actions could you choose instead, that might turn you on? (Spoiler alert: choosing actions that encourage engagement and curiosity, interest and positivity may also result in engaging your partner in a new way that feels fun for everyone).
The magic of systemic interactions
Now that you are widening your focus to include things other than sex, and applying your creativity to your own thoughts, feelings, and actions, rather than focusing on what annoys you about your partner, you are on the right track. This is what I call The Happiness Project, and it should be fun! As you experience more pleasure in your day-to-day life and choose to focus on where you’re going rather than on what didn’t work in the past, you’ll most likely experience more desire and interest in life, and possibly also sex, and, have more fun. This is very likely to lighten everyone else’s outlook around you as well as your own. Powerful change begins to happen not just within you, but also between partners when you get your attention off of your partner’s failings and onto creating happiness yourself.
That’s a great starting point. But you can take it to the next level; things really start to become magical when you also invite your partner to share in your happiness, invite them to find ways to experience more day-to-day pleasure as well, and remind them often that they are an important part of your happiness. You might enjoy having conversations together about what you want to create in your lives together. What are each of your dreams? What kinds of activities do you miss, or would you like to explore? It’s not important that you agree; instead, focus on exploring freely, and practicing non-judgment and curiosity.
Taking it to the sexual realm
If you are wondering what all of this has to do with sex, here it is. Some components of great sex include:
focused attention
positive regard
collaboration
embodiment
physical pleasure
creativity
the ability to create a world outside of time and free of judgment.
It is no coincidence that people who experience lackluster desire, and who want to experience more desire, are often quite far away from experiencing at least some of the things on this list. Any aspect of life where you can build these skills and create these experiences for yourself and your partner makes it easier to experience them when you are being sexual.
When you read the above list of skills and attributes, which do you excel at? Which could you stand to strengthen? What are you doing now to help yourself and your partner feel relaxed, adored, important, interesting, and engaged with one another?
The blog was originally published in Psychology Today.
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Encouraging Your Partner To Change
How to approach the topic without putting them on the defensive
As a therapist, I tend to focus on self-empowerment. I want my clients to succeed, and by far the easiest way to succeed is to make sure your aspirational goals are 100% within your own power.
That’s why I encourage my clients to quickly let go of pseudo-goals. By that, I mean goals that are actually about their partner changing. Pseudo-goals sound like “I want my partner to go to the gym, so I’ll be more attracted to them” or “I want my partner to want to have sex more often.” Goals like those aren’t goals at all; they are wishes for something outside of yourself to change, which, of course, is not within your control. Goals that are outside of your locus of control are a near-guaranteed ticket to frustration and disappointment–and a great way to irritate your partner as well.
That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t have wishes or desires that may involve hoping your partner will change in some manner. It’s perfectly natural and expectable to have these feelings and thoughts! Nonetheless, for the sake of avoiding frustration and disappointment, it is very important to realize those are wishes, not actually something you can control.
So what options do you have when there is something you wish your partner would change?
First, think carefully about why the change is important to you. Getting clear about this will help you initiate a meaningful conversation with them in which you would honestly express what you miss, wish for, or desire.
Let’s imagine, for example, you notice that they spend a lot of time getting sucked into their screens. Do you miss their undivided attention? Prefer no devices at mealtime so you can experience a tech break? Or something else entirely? Think it over until you have gotten clear about what this means to you on a deeper level than merely a complaint. Plan to focus on your feelings, preferences, and desires, and then also make time and space to get curious about what they think, feel, and want about the same topic. Plan to really put yourself in their shoes and understand it from their perspective as well as expressing yourself to them.
When you are ready, initiate a conversation. Rather than complaining about their behavior, let them know what your experience is, and why the topic feels important to you. I highly recommend being direct and non-judgmental. I also suggest focusing on what you want, rather than what you don’t want. Compare these examples:
“I really miss having meals with you where we talk with one another about our days, and generally have a break from screens and devices; it gives me a really lovely feeling of connection with you, and also creates a nice still-point in my otherwise busy day.”
“You know I hate it when you are on your phone during dinner; it’s so disrespectful. Why do you keep on doing that even though you know I hate it? How hard is it to just put down your phone?”
These are two ways of expressing the same wish, but you can probably imagine that they’re likely to land very differently. The first frames the issue in positive terms, focusing on what the speaker really wants, and reaches out to the loving, compassionate part of the listener that really wants to connect with their partner–whereas the second version is likely to put the listener on the defensive right off the bat.
The next part of the conversation involves asking what their experience of this issue is:
What do they think, feel, prefer, or want?
What is important to them about it?
What do they want you to understand about their perspective?
Really challenge yourself to see the situation through their lens, so ultimately you have had conversations that honor both of your perspectives equally.
These phases of the conversation are for the purpose of getting to know one another (and yourselves) better with regard to the issue. That’s not the same as problem-solving, so slow down a bit and don’t worry about finding a solution right away. Focus on gaining an understanding of what this is all about for each of you.
For instance, maybe you’ll learn that they’ve been feeling much more stressed than usual at work, and find themselves reaching reflexively for their phone as a quick and easy way to self-soothe–and then, when they start to feel your irritation that they’re looking at their phone instead of at you, it makes them feel even more stressed, and then even more likely to get sucked into the screen. Taking your time to truly understand the dynamics at play in the situation can help disarm some of the negative feelings you may both be having, and when your partner feels really heard, they’re much more likely to be open to trying something different. There may even be something you want to do differently yourself.
If you want to move to a problem-solving phase, I suggest you do that in a separate conversation. You might ask if they are interested in working with you to come up with a solution that works for both of you. I recommend asking before diving in because if your partner feels cornered or pressured, they are unlikely to be flexible or creative in the problem-solving process. That’s just human nature; to stretch and grow, we need to feel safe enough to get curious about possibilities that are outside of our comfort zone. Nobody does that well when they’re feeling guarded, judged, or attacked. Getting stuck in a battle of wills will most likely lead your partner to double down on the behavior you’re talking about.
Here’s an idea of how you might go about having this conversation with your partner:
Let go of the expectation that you will be able to control your partner’s actions. No matter how you express your request, it’s possible that your partner will just say “no.” Make your peace with that possibility; they have just as much of a right to make choices as you do.
Get clear on what you’re asking. If all you can think of is a complaint, go deeper and see what’s underneath it for you. This topic is important to you for a good reason; figure out what is most important to you about it before you start talking about it with your partner.
Frame it in positive terms. Talking about what you want to experience is a much better motivator for change than complaining about what pisses you off.
Be open to hearing their perspective, including learning why they don’t want the same thing you do. If it turns out you have a big difference of opinion, don’t get in a fight or dig in; instead get curious. Ask questions. Learn more about what’s going on for them. Feeling heard will put your partner at ease, and you might learn that there are aspects of the issue that you hadn’t considered. You might also discover that there are ways you can help that you hadn’t realized before–and the process of thinking through the issue might give your partner a chance to reflect on what is and isn’t working for them.
Release the actual decision-making to the person making the change. Remember, you can only change yourself, and your partner can only change themselves. You can inspire someone to change, and you can request someone change, but you can’t make anyone besides yourself change.
Honor and appreciate one another. Engaging in deep conversations like these is an act of love, respect, and courage. Even if you haven’t entirely resolved the problem (yet), don’t forget the importance of honoring one another and the process of showing up authentically and becoming better team-mates with the kinds of challenges we all face. You get major props from me for taking part in this deeply challenging yet rewarding process.
The blog is originally published on Psychology Today.
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Happiness, Desire, Pleasure... and Mindfulness
Very few people talk about pleasure. And I’m not just referring to sexual pleasure here. We talk about joy, happiness, self-care, enjoyment, and desire…so why not pleasure? My theory is that the word pleasure suggests sex, and sex is icky, shameful, and generally taboo.
Maybe we don’t discuss pleasure because we don’t discuss sex. But that’s really selling pleasure short, because pleasure is our birthright, at every age and stage, with or without sex. And not just simple pleasures, what about big, juicy, complicated pleasures? I know that sounds sexual, but it doesn’t need to be. You could have no interest in sex whatsoever, and experience a lot of pleasure. Since I doubt if anyone wants a life without pleasure, bear with me while I explore the topic.
Pleasure is a topic your clients are unlikely to bring up if you don’t. If you do, you are likely to have to hold up your end of the conversation, because discussing pleasure can be a little uncomfortable, and lots of people haven’t given it much thought. But pleasure has everything to do with desire, happiness, joy…and even sex.
How did I start thinking about this? Perhaps 15 years ago, I embarked on something I like to call the Martha Happiness Project. I wanted to experience more positivity, pleasant feelings and general loveliness in my day to day life. I thought a lot about what makes life feel fun, worthwhile, enjoyable, relaxed, and…well, pleasurable. I really gave some thought to my own personal experience of happiness. And I did a lot of research into what supports happiness generally.
As my own personal Happiness Project developed, it became clear that at the heart of the project was a deceptively small experiment. It had its roots in mindfulness and it can easily be used as a therapy intervention; in fact I use it with nearly every client in one way or another. This core happiness intervention involves noticing, receiving, and expanding pleasure.
Here’s how I did it. When I felt a small inkling of pleasure–for instance, when a sunbeam crosses your cheek–I forced myself to slow down and enjoy it, to actually receive the pleasure rather than rushing along to the next thing on my to-do list. I challenged myself to expand the moment, and let the moment expand me, until I felt a loosening of tension and an experience of receiving.
We think of pleasure as something that just happens to us, rather than something we can consciously choose to engage or not engage with. But it’s amazing how much those small moments can expand when you choose to notice them–and it’s amazing how much potential joy you can miss out on when you don’t take the time to experience those moments.
I was shocked to realize how much enjoyment of life I was rushing past, not noticing, and not actually experiencing. No wonder things felt a little flat. I was astonished to discover how much I could improve my own happiness simply by looking around for little suggestions of possible pleasure, like a shaft of sunlight, a warm breeze, comfortable sheets, a pretty view, the scent of a flower…and then lingering in them, intentionally expanding them, and allowing them to expand me. If this sounds like mindfulness, that’s because it is.
This is what I now describe as receiving–which is, of course, another complex concept that doesn’t get discussed enough. Receiving has components of both mindful presence, and embodiment, so it is not such a simple skill. To make it more complicated (and add another therapeutic layer) most people want to be seen as generous and skilled givers, not enthusiastic and delighted receivers. Ask a group of people which they would rather say, “I love to give” or “I love to receive,” if you need to prove my point. But without receiving, how can there be satisfied givers?
Now that we’re all thinking about pleasure and receiving in the broadest, least sexual context, let’s take these concepts to the topic of sexual relationships.
Consider a client who is feeling distressed because they want to experience more desire than they currently do. A discussion of The (insert client’s name here) Happiness Project is very relevant to desire. When we are so tapped out or rushed or overwhelmed we don’t take time to experience pleasure, and haven’t yet learned to expand and even create it for ourselves, we are unlikely to experience really robust desire. Mindfulness, presence in what would otherwise be a fleeting moment, and an awareness of what one is experiencing in their body are other components of this treatment approach.
I apply these strategies and concepts to nearly every sex therapy case I work with currently. They apply across the board, because they work with a mind/body/spirit connection that is an intrinsic part of both a pleasurable and satisfying life, and a pleasurable and satisfying sexual experience.
At its core, sex is about connection and pleasure. But you wouldn’t know that from how most people go about sex. That’s because we’ve been taught, by our culture and our media, that sex is about performance–about the right things happening, in the right order, in order to make our partner feel good. Sex becomes a means of getting from point A to point B–from the first kiss to orgasm–without much room for slowing down, receiving, luxuriating, and enjoying in between.
In the anxiety of getting that performance right, we often miss out on actually experiencing the pleasure. That’s not a recipe for great sex.
Note that I’m making a distinction here between something pleasurable happening (ex, the sunbeam crosses your cheek) and actually taking in the pleasure (ex, you slow down for 10 or even 30 seconds to really enjoy the warmth of the sunbeam).
That’s what I think is missing in the kind of sex I’m talking about: the capacity to fully receive and revel in the experience of pleasure. Maybe you have an instant of “oh, that feels good,” but then you’re on to “gosh, am I taking too long? Do I look bad in this position? Is she getting turned off?”
What would happen if, instead of just asking ourselves “How can I be a more generous lover?” we also asked ourselves “How can I be a better receiver of pleasure?”
After all, it’s not all that satisfying to be a generous lover if your partner can’t take in the pleasure you’re trying to give them.
Over my years as a sex therapist, I’ve developed a cohesive set of interventions for helping my clients get away from a performance-centered view of sex and move towards one that’s more focused on shared pleasure and connection. That whole process (and much more) is outlined in my online course, Assessing and Treating Sex Issues in Psychotherapy.
All that is beyond the scope of today’s article, but I want to share one small intervention that can help your clients start to build the skill of receiving pleasure. While the exercise is not presented in a sexual context, it can be taken to the bedroom of course. That transition can be quite challenging, which is all the more reason to get plenty of practice receiving.
Try to notice pleasure when it happens. This could be a delicious smell, a lovely texture, a sweet moment with a loved one, a warm bath, cozy slippers, a sip of coffee–anything that makes you go “ahhhh.”
Pause. If you’re working on something, put it aside for just a few seconds. Your job now is to let the moment of enjoyment expand a little longer than you would usually allow it to.
Take a deep breath. Perhaps close your eyes–whatever helps you to gently rest your awareness on the pleasurable sensation. Don’t chase it, just let it in.
Spend a little while here, receiving this experience and allowing it to expand inside of you until you feel a sense of satisfaction.
Give yourself a little appreciation; you just improved your own day.
Practice makes perfect. The more you practice receiving pleasure in your day to day life, the easier it will become to apply it to more emotionally charged situations (like sex).
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How To Make Positive Lifestyle Changes
Hating yourself into change is a surefire way to lose ground.
Are you worried that being kind and forgiving towards your body will take away your motivation to make lifestyle changes for your health?
I am a proudly body-positive therapist. I refuse any suggestion that one kind of body is better than another because of size, appearance, age, ability, race, or any other one of the million beautiful varieties of humanity.
As a therapist, I’m also all about supporting self-motivated change processes. That means that I believe in you and in your ability to make choices about your lifestyle that will make you feel fabulous, no matter what that happens to look like for you. You get to craft the mode of living that makes you feel best, and my role is to help you overcome the blocks that stand in your way.
One huge block I see all the time with my clients is body shame. All too often, we try to draw our motivation for lifestyle changes from a deep well of judgment and self-hatred. It might feel like being harsh and critical towards ourselves will push us to work harder. But in fact, engaging in self-hatred is a surefire way to get stuck in a wrestling match with yourself.
I’ve noticed this pattern time and time again. When motivation comes from shame, it’s just about impossible to stick with any change. It’s perfectly normal for a new habit to take some time to adopt, but when people come to a new habit with a shame-based perspective, they’ll beat themselves up for completely expectable backslides.
Self-hatred is not a good motivator for positive change. Nor is shame or disgust. You can’t punish yourself into a healthier relationship with your body. I truly believe if you want to make healthful changes in your life, the only way is to love yourself into it.
But how? Thanks to the negative messages we all receive from our culture, self-hatred tends to come a lot easier than love. I know how challenging this process can be. But every skill is built by practice, and this is no exception. Start practicing today and watch your muscle for self-love grow stronger. I have plenty of reason to believe that you’ll find it a lot easier to reach your goals.
Do you feel clear that there are changes you want to make in your life to improve your health? If so, I invite you to carefully consider these questions.
Do you feel angry with yourself when you don’t achieve a goal? If this describes you, please consider carefully how you might change this pattern. Making lifestyle changes is challenging. Despite what marketing campaigns might tell you, change is not linear and setbacks are inevitable. When you begin to make changes, your self-criticism will have many opportunities to take over. If you let it, it will undermine your motivation to try new things. Positive change wants a positive feedback loop. Tell yourself you are amazing for getting as far as you have, and let yourself know you believe you can and will get right back at it.
Are you a good starter? There is a lot of attention on sticking with lifestyle changes, and I can agree that endurance helps. But life is full of setbacks. We all get the flu, throw out our knees, take trips out of town, have stressful weeks, and just get plain tired sometimes! Flexing when life throws you a curve is a GOOD thing, not a lack of willpower. This is why starting again is at least as important as sticking with it. When you hit a roadblock, instead of telling yourself “I’m bad at sticking with things,” try telling yourself, instead, “I’m good at taking care of myself, and I’m great at pivoting. I’m restarting now.”
Are you a kind coach? If you can be encouraging to friends who are taking risks or braving new challenges, you have the skills you will need to lovingly coach yourself. But there is a catch: can you turn your own approval onto yourself? You will need to love yourself if you want change to happen. Please be a loving coach and cheerleader for yourself. You deserve it! Try sitting down with a journal and brainstorming kind, warm, supportive things you can tell yourself to encourage progress and be an effective cheerleader.
Originally published on Psychology Today.
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3 Tips For Making Your Practice More Racially Accessible
This week, I’m so excited to introduce you to my first-ever guest blogger, Desirée N. Robinson, LCSW-C. Desiree is a Maryland based Psychotherapist and owner of Your Heart’s Desire Therapy & Wellness, LLC, specializing in the convergence of Intimacy, Sexuality, and Trauma; her personal mission of “creating a world of celebration and understanding” is reflected in her daily practice.
“You have to work twice as hard to get half as far.” This interesting phrase can be heard in many African American Households. It’s a common mantra parents use to prepare children for how they may be treated by the world at large when they start to find and establish their identities outside of the home – under the influence and scrutiny of others.
This phrase expresses the understanding that, at first glance, your best effort, first tries, words, affect, and demeanor are usually conceived as inferior compared to those of one’s non-black peers. This may seem like an unfair message to send to a child; however, for many parents, this is an act of safety and security – two things all children need to grow into healthy adults – in a society that views Black people of color through a eurocentric and often fear-based filter. To be seen as equal in systems that were generated out of racism takes a significant amount of navigation.
So, what does that mean for non-black clinicians or providers? The great news is that knowledge truly is power. Cultivating your awareness is the first step to creating the safety and security required in a therapeutic setting. Noticing this requires you to slow down and observe how our practice of therapy may perpetuate systemically racist concepts. Once we notice it, we change it.
Know that your client may “seem okay” …and still be struggling.
With all that is happening in the world, access to online therapy has skyrocketed significantly. I took the opportunity to find a provider, and at sessions one, two, and three, my therapist would reflect back to me “You know Desiree, I don’t think you need a therapist for this”. It was crushing. Too often Black people are not quite seen the same. It is often intimidating or admirable to be doing well. If someone seems put together, it doesn’t mean that they do not require therapeutic support; this assumption all too well demonstrates how much harder some minorities have to work to be seen.
If a client shows up in your office, they need your support. They may or may not have the words to tell you. Conversely, your words may not adequately relate to their experiences. The crucial element is your ability to see the individual before you and to consider that they came to you, looking for support. Support means taking away what you think/feel about how the client presents in an effort to learn more about why this person who “does not need help” has reached out for it. Even if someone – especially a person of color – may seem okay, know that they are struggling and are working hard to be okay in ways that cannot be measured in the hour they spend in your therapy room.
Most of the Black people of color around you may seem like they are thriving – and they are. However, like anyone else, the demeanor cultivated during formative years does not negate the hurt of navigating an unjust world. These experiences require the unconditional regard and compassionate understanding given to anyone else.
Ask about double roles and if there is an impact of oppression.
The concept of double roles (navigating between two “worlds” and having to accommodate each one adequately) is very common in today’s language and continues to evolve based on the challenging of gender roles in our society. As you inquire about gender roles, there is also an opportunity to inquire with your folks about the different facets of being a person of color in different spaces. Consider asking simple questions:
Do you feel you have to wear a “mask” at work?
Where do you get to just be yourself?
Was there a difference at home with parents who were African/Jamaican/Trinidadian/Latino/Korean, etc, and at school with parents who may have been from the states?
All of these are simple questions that allow the individual to express more not only about their racial identity but about their culture and the internal mantras/schemas/rules that allow them to be okay in a system that is heavily slanted towards one perspective and one version of history.
When in doubt, appreciate!
Let’s return to the concept of having to work twice as hard only to get half as far as others around you. Whether that is in our legal system (Dylan Roof vs. Rayshard Brooks), educational system (school to prison pipeline), or in the way we view people who show up in our offices for healing and support. A small way we can all support the intergenerational healing and make our practices racially accessible is to validate and appreciate the people in front of us. Appreciate them for coming in – that took courage! Acknowledge their survival-based coping skills – that took wisdom! Validate their experiences and perspectives -that took clarity!
Racial accessibility has many different facets and takes on many forms. I want to extend you the invitation to be a world-class provider who actively works to create a new understanding of what safety and security can mean in the therapeutic setting by acknowledging the systemic stressors present in our practices and how they impact our clients. When you take this step, you are supporting someone’s hard-working inner child and inviting them to show up as equal, just the way they are.
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Helping A Client With Negative Body Image
People come in all shapes and sizes, but our culture tends to only value bodies that fit a very limited mold. Almost everyone has had the painful experience of feeling like their body doesn’t measure up. Almost everyone is somewhere along a journey of coming to terms with the unique way their body looks and functions. As a therapist, you can play an extremely important role in helping your clients on this journey.
Healing body image is often a part of my work as a sex therapist and a couples therapist. There are all sorts of ways that negative body image can hurt a relationship. Think about it: if you don’t love your body, how can you be comfortable being naked in front of another person, being touched in places or seen in positions that activate your insecurities? If you’re always worrying that your appearance is turning your partner off, how can you relax into an experience of pleasure?
Self-consciousness and negative self-talk can block arousal and make it difficult to experience an orgasm, or even pleasure. Body shame can also get in the way of having an honest conversation with your partner about your particular body insecurities, meaning you never get a chance to check your assumptions and experience a different perspective. Very often, the first step to more satisfying sexual experiences with a partner is building body love and body acceptance.
The way you feel about your body will naturally shape your way of experiencing the world in a fundamental way, in all spheres, not just sex. For that reason, I think building a better relationship with their body is one of the most meaningful projects you could possibly take on. Working with body acceptance and body image issues from a body positive perspective is a powerful opportunity for therapists to make profound differences in the lives of their clients.
So, if healing negative body image is a part of your treatment plan, where can you start? Here’s how I tackle this challenge:
“Your body is absolutely beautiful just exactly as it is. You don’t have to change it in order to love it or find it beautiful.”
“This is a belief system, you know. Other cultures view this differently than ours”.
“I’ve never known anyone to change anything about themselves by hating themselves into it.” That last one is important if you have a client who is trying to motivate themselves to create or stick with a lifestyle change while also struggling with negative body image–a difficult balancing act, and one that will benefit from your support. (For more on this topic, see my last post.)
I advise you to be very cautious about body compliments that might come across as judgments. The urge to compliment a client who has been struggling with body hatred is understandable, but it is important to choose compliments carefully, in order to avoid falling into the same body-negative tropes that are hurting your client and us all. For instance, if a client said to me, “Do you notice I lost weight? I think I’m looking a little better,” I would respond with “I’ve always thought you are beautiful, and you know, I’m the wrong person to ask about weight loss because I just don’t see people that way.”
If you want to learn more about body positivity, or are searching for something on the topic for your client to watch, I recommend the film “Embrace.” It’s an excellent documentary and a real education in body acceptance and body politics. I have frequently encouraged clients to watch it when I think a fat-phobic belief system is part of what is standing in their way.
Originally published on Psychology Today.
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