UPDATE: The Editors apologize for the earlier spelling error. The responsible reporter has been transformed into a game-use baseball and sent back in time to the steroids era of the early 2000s as punishment. They will not be returning.

BREAKING: after a negotiation between the players' union and the MLB commissioner, the league will be allowing all starting pitchers to add one additional spell slot after the trade deadline.

BREAKING: after a negotiation between the players' union and the MLB commissioner, the league will be allowing all starting pitchers to add one additional spell slot after the trade deadline.

hearing reports of a banana shortage in the new york city area after gerrit cole bought up every banana in the region because he heard scarfing them down would make his arm heal faster

Sources have revealed he has additionally activated warp pads leading to Frantic Factory and Creepy Castle.

Literally ^^^^^^

BREAKING: the Los Angeles Dodgers have signed your ex who got married and bought a house and a new car and still looks good as a utility infielder for the 2024 season.

if you're a fan of baseball and comedy you might enjoy the dollop podcast. they have some good baseball episodes. sorry for wording this like a freak i'm really high

Thanks for the rec! And no worries, you didn't word that freaky at all. I hope you survived.

Breaking: The Houston Astros have somehow come into the possession of a shrink ray. However, when used on Jose Altuve they reported that there was "No changes whatsoever" to him.

It's okay, Dodgers. You can relax now. The 2017 World Series can't hurt you anymore. You're safe.

Brandon Nimmo has been kidnapped by a scuba diving dentist and is currently being held in Australia, early reports say his father is on a globetrotting journey to find him

Thank you for your tip. As usual, all news about the New York Mets will be printed in the Obituaries & Condolences section of our weekly report.

BREAKING: the New York Yankees and the Boston Red Sox have been put in a "Freaky Friday type of situation" until they can learn to appreciate each other's perspectives.

if i didnt have asthma i would be the next ted williams bro count on it

You can still be late career Ted Williams. He was in the IGFA Fishing Hall of Fame, too. It's no problem.

I'm receiving reports that Adolis Garcia just tried snickers salad for the first time and it did some Portal 2 emancipation gate shit to his body

That's okay. He'll respawn in Cooperstown in a couple of days like most players do.

meow meow :3

Hunter Pence I thought you retired

BREAKING: a starting pitcher, as yet unnamed, has just filed for the world's first battery divorce, citing "irreconcilable differences".

BREAKING: the Yankees have developed superpowers after coming into contact with a meteorite last night. Sources close to the team say that Aaron Judge has "quickly taken to the responsibility of heroism", but that Jonathan Loaisiga is "becoming corrupted by the allure of absolute power."

Unfortunately as of receiving this message our investigators report that Aaron Judge has since been found whimpering like a scared rabbit in a pile of meteorite dust.

happy opening day to old people who keep score in the stands, field pigeons who harrass outfielders during play, snack shack workers, ticket takers, lesbians on game day dates, girls who play on Little League teams, cotton candy hawkers, whoever repairs and replaces the lightbulbs in stadium lights, radio board operators, shitty bisexual stadium DJs, non-American players, transgender fans of all kinds, field maintenance workers who trip pulling the tarp up, abysmal first pitch throwers, Renel Brooks-Moon, people who take the bus, train, or ferry to games, my boyfriend, first time fans, lifelong fans, diva pitchers, diva shortstops, guys who sell hotdogs and merch on the sidewalk after games, minor leaguers, college softball players who are better than all baseball players but never get paid for their contributions to the sport, seagulls who shit on people and then take their french fries, umpires who get silly with it calling strikes, camera operators, stadium janitors, and you.

BREAKING: an Oblivion Gate has just opened to the east of second base at Oracle Park.

BREAKING: the Minnesota Twins have just signed local third grader/right fielder Joey in exchange for two packs of bubblegum, a bouncy ball, and an Unchained Soul Lord of Yama Yu-Gi-Oh card with a big bite taken out of it.