lostinbirbilling
live and love
she/her 21 ⚕️
my blog is really messy with snippets of my life, bts' real life and fics🌌
aot is my Bhagavad geetha
isayama, my krishna
I'm a final year medstudent and besides human body, music, literature, mind, stars, snow covered hills, rain, trees and art fascinate me. I also enjoy doing yoga and my little workout session and occasional yet frequent jogs in the campus. when I'm not nose deep in textbooks, I might be star gazing and lost in time or maybe reading a book
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keanudesmet
Belgian Illustrator and Animator.
keanudesmet
Belgian Illustrator and Animator.
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Okay there's this dude from my school. He's in another class so not really much I know of him from then other than the fact that the dudes a topper, he's a representative of some club and surprisingly (although not surprising at this point considering I've been awkward and in my own world to even care) a good friend of my bestie from highschool.
I just randomly stumbled upon him dancing to adeles hello on our school farewell. Now I haven't seen him dance irl, but that video on my pc, I rewatched it sometimes I admit and I guess that was it.
But that dude got one hell of a glowup!
He looks so fine right now!
I mean, now tho I know I don't have a chance with him anyways.
A. I should make the move because he's not into me for sure
B. I'm somebody who things long term for a simple crush, I don't think I work by dating and moving on to the next guy. Probably cause of my upbringing, I don't work that way.
Even if I'm dating, and it's uncertain, I want the both of us to be entirely invested in each other during the time it lasts I guess.
Now this is new and surprising
But he studies in (did he graduate?) Michigan and I'm still having a hardtime swallowing the fact that maybe moving to another city once and for all is happening really right now 🤦♀️
And I can see myself trying to strike a conversation just to see how he is as a person and repeat the same mistake??!! 🤨😶😶
There's ed sheeran who isn't your man
There's bruno who isn't yours either
There's augustus waters and ansel elgort who aren't yours
There's yoongi who isn't yours
There's dr. Shepherd who isn't yours
And there's this dude who isn't yours
You either go big or you go home
So if you CANT confess or make a move
STFU and ignore the dude
✌️
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Reblog if you've ever cried over the death of a fictional character
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R.E.S.P.E.C.T.
Shingeki no kyojin
The anime that helped change the way I view the world. The anime that made me realise that dreams are dynamic too. The anime that made me learn, that forever is never. The anime that made me think about seeing change in a different light, as a possibility of becoming something new. The anime that made me rethink the way I judge people based on how little I know about them. The anime that made me see the very people I share my life and meals with in a different way. The anime that taught me what friendship is meant to be. The anime that I feel is the epitome of what workmanship and dedication should be. The anime that I'm so glad didn't end in one volume like isayama first wanted it to. The anime that made me appreciate anime music. My 2nd anime but 1st to ever make me fall in love with the process of making an anime. The voice actors who do a marvellous job. The musicians, vocalists and composers who do an irreplaceable job. The animators who only keep the story interesting. The first anime (probably because I watched it early on in my anime journey) that I am attached to.
I can see how much I've grown in the past 3 years. Definitely aot has something to do.
Infact it had many things to do.
I have many instances when I spoke wisely thanks to aot.
I can't thank aot enough for being my icebreaker and getting me a good friend.
Aot made me appreciate japanese music and culture.
The night I watched the lyrics of season 1 ending:
"Ustsukushiki zankokuna sekai"
That's when I cried and felt some emotions I never could verbally explain until that point.
I watched it while I was 17 maybe?
The summer of 2021 is ❤️🔥
I can't believe aot is ending sooner than my mbbs 😭😭😭😭😭
Then again, didn't it begin in 2013? Guess this is my fate and just like the scouts have it, I have to respect my fate and do the best I can.
Shinzou sasageyo ❤️🔥
Why does it just seem like yesterday that i was singing shogeki, red swan and akuma no ko?
Aot became my ritual and religion (religion especially when life gets too much for me)
I will miss you scouts 😭😭😭
(We've come a long way kiddos)
(I'm almost 21 and I've grown up with aot in a way)
Thank you Hajime isayama 🙏
#aot#aot finale#blog#life#medschool#shinzou sasageyo#levi#hange#erwin#eren#reiner#armin#mikasa#bertholdt#annie#tatake
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now that i rmb it, I love how Jinwoo's character reasoning for doing his job is mainly for his family. Like everyone else was second thought.
Im just so used to every mc having "I want to be number 1 hero, hokage—"(no i love these series actually lol they raised me But GOD ITS SO REPETITIVE)
The money? Its for his mom and his sister.
He risks his life for his family, he needs the quick cash to pay for sht.
"Family first" Its just so good, i love new found family plots but mngh,... It was just so new with Jinwoo's motivation and I live for it. Like yes there are other series where mcs arent motivated to be the best. But idk, Jinwoo's motivation just touches the heart.
And when he finally gets what he needs to have to provide with his family? He goes to save everyone else.
And I bet my goddamn ass that that mtf put in his insurance of billions of usd directed to Park Kyung-hye and Sung Jin-ah before he fled off for war. Jinwoo is ready to leave his family because he left them with the resources they need, his duty with them is mostly 'done' and now he needs to protect others because they need him too.
I just love his character in a genuine way not just because he's hot daddy step on me fuck yes morally-grey chaotic petty mtf that scams the living sht out of you nO—(well mostly yes but u get what I mean)
I just love Sung Jinwoo as a character
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I swore to myself that I will not journal multiple times or as frequently as I did the past few months. Although therapeutic, journaling has solidified some memories for me that I shouod be forgetting and they push me further into the loop of overthinking. Moreover, I've journaled as if I was venting out my anger in the past few months. So now, I'm trying to redeem.
But I cant stop myself from journaling one time on tumblr. Cause it's been so long.
Firstly, I've moved on from my first crush. (Or atleast, I'm beginning to move on from him)
This is a milestone in itself because I realised that I do not want to be a secret admirer for someone I talk to very frequently that too,in a filter-free manner.
Although pretty late to join the other end of the sea called "first crushes and hormonal rushes", I've realised that it's either -
You stay a secret admirer while keeping your interactions minimal
Or
You let them know how you feel a little early in the relationship
So that you don't let the guilt of becoming a delusional take over whatever friendship you've really established enroute that's actually needed for the 2 of you but, you're too guilty when he needs you as a friend.
Learnt the lesson a really tough way, but we both have our lives moving in different paces in our unis so "it is what it is"
(I really wish we could hang out sometime soon. But I swore to not get ahead anytime soon, so)
Secondly, I began coloring in the penup app of my new tab and doodling a little albeit rarely. This got me into training my mind into being a little patient. Maybe right now I'm patient by 4% more than I was before on an average
Thirdly, I'm chronically having headaches.
It could be me stressing out or overthinking subtle things when I let my emotions and silliness take over the rationale. Also because although im not entirely a people pleaser, i have a hard time saying no and even taking it (should seriously work on better communication)
Or inadequate sleep mostly due to my inefficiency in planning things for the day or night if I'm being specific.
I should be sleeping now so I get sufficient rest for tomorrow, but I'm typing away anyways :p
Or me studying under stress! Panicking. Worrying about my future.
Or missing home and worrying about family
Or under-hydration
Or micro nutrition deficiency cause I get fatigued after I'm out in the sun, pretty easily.
So to sum everything up, my health is getting fucked up. Mental health and physical one too.
Hence the pms and pcos.
Fourthly, I read a lot than I studied in the past few months.
Be it solo leveling to begin with.
Or subtle art of not giving a fuck.
Then recently I've read It ends with us and It starts with us.
While rn I'm binging on Omniscient reader and Eaternal Nocturnal.
Even anime wise
I've watched too many it seems
Kaguya Sama
Suzume (in theatres ✨️)
Your name (rewatch, in theatres 💫, and re-rewatch in my new tab)
Your lie in april
Garden of words
Horimiya (S1)
Demon slayer (rehabilitation arc and mugen train)
I've watched many movies too
Jailer (in theatres)
Happy days
Anand
Gharshana
Good night
(Okay not too many but yeah more than my average in the recent times)
Now it makes sense why I get all panicky before exams. I almost never touched my books because I know, I know how the next 3 and the next 3 years of my life are gonna be like, academically
Lastly, yoongi's lines from magic shop are making so much sense to me right now that I want to turn back time and just live happily with my family but this time around - Imma take care of my parents more and show my brother I love him more and not think about growing up or idolize growing up. Cause adulting is so damn not easy! And I'm not even 21 yet (will be in a few months though)
It's tiring
Taxing
Exhausting
Exasperating
You can't even blame your parents anymore (that feels morally wrong!)
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☾ i feel you in my heart and i don’t even know you
☼ min yoongi x reader (ft. jungkook x reader)
✰ genres: drama, angst, romance, second chance
✰ warnings: explicit language, mentions of blood, infidelity, smut, mentions of depression, trauma, miscarriage, anxiety
✰ soundtrack: nineteen by hayley williams (the con x covers for tegan & sara)
summary: nearly 2 months after their divorce, yoongi and y/n wade through the aftermath of the fallout by themselves. yoongi is moving on with someone else while y/n finds herself stuck in waves of anxiety and depression. soon enough, they are brought together again by an unfortunate accident.
note: hi guys! a new social media au from me, this might be a long one! It’s actually based off a original work I was trying to write but never finished lol
1. profiles
2. it feels like you left a long time ago
3. phone in my hand and heart in my throat, it was my gift for the night
4. what do you mean?
5. i don’t want you to hurt me anymore
5.1. interlude: the news
5.5. interlude: september 10 to 22
6. these echoes of laughter fade into a distant memory
bonus ✰ soundtrack
6.5 interlude: july 11, 2020 (before things really fell apart)
7. i loved you. i’m sorry.
8. seeing you is like a dream
bonus ✰ yn’s apartment
9. stuck in emotions and i don’t know what they mean
9.5 interlude: august 4 to august 10
10. he said that’s how he still remembers me
11. no pretenses, no masks
12. time goes by and i can’t control my mind
13. never doubted myself so much (flashback)
14. crestfallen on the landing
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As a bts fan who began her journey in the Fandom at 17, I have been through my delulu phase where I thought there were chances of marrying yoongi (lmaooo)
Then I went to "I should find a guy like yoongi"
Today, even at 20, yoongi has been my comfort person.
The album that was out in may 2020, bringing me comfort and joy.
Today, I'm a delulu for my now-bestie-then-crush who sees me as a "dude".
I wanted him to see me as a girl and take me out. But now, no more. But my delulu heart is having a hard time letting go and giving up because yoongi is an idol I might never ever meet, but him? He's my friend. We're school mates back then. We can potentially meet.
Although we never met depsite living in the same city for the past 2 years XD
He's no taki
Me no mitsuha
He's no shirogane
He's no miyamura
He's just him
Just I guy I crushed on that I got lucky to get to know.
I'm really glad that he knows I'm there for him.
He's been my potential boyfriend until I began discussing my troubles and worries with him.
Then, I realised that I see him as a friend.
My first ever true friend who's
appreciations are genuine.
Criticisms, although harsh, are real
Concern is valid
He's my best friend that I'm afraid I'll lose once he graduates or finds a girl friend.
Heck he gives me fitness advice and fashion advice too.
Does this make him my brother?
Nope.
Maybe he thinks of me as his little sister.
Cause I heard from someone that he's protective of me just like he is of one of our friends.
At 15, I was physically attracted to him
At 20, I am emotionally, verbally and psychologically attracted to him
I really don't find him hot now (sucks)
Maybe I gave up on him
Maybe I didnt
But somehow seeing this post reminded me of him and our on-call hangouts. Cause irl, we never met after graduation :)
BTS as Best Friends - Yoongi
Such a savage
You bond over hating things
70% of your friendship is roasting the other boys
The other 30% is roasting each other
Hanging out in the studio
“You suck at rapping” - You, every time he speaks
“And you suck dick” - Yoongi, every time you say that
You roast each other, but you also low key hype each other up
He’s not afraid to be honest with you
Will never say it in front of people but he loves you
You’ve got each other through so much
If you have a nightmare he calls you
You are the only one allowed to wake him up
Lets you cuddle him if no-one’s around
Naps together are very necessary
Gets grouchy if he doesn’t sleep
Really comes out of his shell when you’re alone
Actually so annoying
Has a habit of poking your face when he’s bored
Makes weird sounds
Teaches you how to operate the studio so you can help him
Cooks for you if you ask nice enough
If he’s in a really god mood, you can cuddle him while he works
If he’s in a bad mood, you can rest your head on his thigh
You cheer him up all the time
Dances when he’s really happy
Took a while to open up to you, but he did
You don’t need to tell each other everything, you just know
You remind him to eat most days
Going out for lunch quite often
Masterlist
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I'm fortunate I am able to see myself for what I am and not what people made/make me feel like.
My insecurities with friendship stem from mishaps till early middle school and my take on it being self-isolation in highschool and early college.
But during the first year of college, it made all sense and difference.
2 of my friends that I love with all of my heart are the guys I wasn't talking to at all in 10th grade.
Small talk? Yeah.
Conversations? Nope not at all.
But they are really are patient. Atleast the first guy. He has a way with his words that makes you think he's the most invested in your words and he surely is, that level of assurance is incredible.
Him along with another friend of his took of all my fomos and fears.
My point here is
"When someone went through something, they need validation that their thoughts are justified and assurance that world isn't the same"
heal my wounds; a | jjk
pairing: jungkook x reader
word count: 2k
rating: g
genre: angst, idol!au
warnings: break up, insecureness, not feeling good enough, jk is lowkey ignorant and annoying in this one
summary: in which jungkook breaks up with you.
a/n: i like to break my own heart what's new🥲
masterlist
⭒☆━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━☆⭒
You don't have a good feeling about this.
Jungkook ignoring your good morning message since, you don't know how many hours, and then suddenly texting you that he will call you later that day, because he "needs to talk about something important with you" ? Definitely not good.
What a shame that it's one of your free days, no work or anything else to help you stay distracted from the nerve racking and anxious thoughts that fill your mind. The amount of different scenarios you imagined could happen? Too many to count. And yet, you feel utterly unprepared for what Jungkook is about to tell you.
Once your ringtone resounds in your room, you pause the kdrama you started watching - not even Woo Dohwan was able to distract you - and gulp the dryness of your mouth away.
To say that you are nervous as you pick up your phone from the bed is an understatement.
,,Hi," you greet, that small word already exposing your uneasiness.
You push your laptop from your thighs, pulling your legs to your chest and leaning back against your headboard.
,,Hey...so, uhm..." Jungkook seems like he doesn't know where to start and hearing him being nervous makes your heart twist. You know exactly what is about to happen.
,,I've been thinking about this for a while and, and I think that our relationship is getting nowhere. Like, there's no progress happening." Jungkook sighs, as if he had to bear something so intolerable around with him and finally gets to confess to you, put off the weight he had been carrying for the whole time. It makes you feel sick and hurt.
,,No... progress?" Your throat feels dry again, your stomach clenching when you realise that, no, you don't want to hear his explanation to the words he said.
,,Y/n, we still argue about the same topics as in the beginning of this relationship."
They weren't exactly arguments - Jungkook is way too much of a sweet guy to pick up a real fight with - but you know what he means.
,,I can't be with someone who doesn't trust me," he continues.
,,I do trust you, Jungkook."
Jungkook says your name, pity and compassion lingering in his voice, like he is aware of that you are lying and wants you to be truthful with him, because he knows. Jungkook always thinks that he knows, always so certain and sure that there's nothing he doesn't know about you.
,,I get that I have to do with a lot of people in my job and that there are rumours flying around about every little thing, and I know how hard I must be like to read and see all of that stuff, but I don't understand why you still doubt me. I thought that once I get to show you how much I truly love you, you'd be more comfortable, but I don't see any change. You're still doubting me, and honestly, I don't know what to do anymore, y/n."
Your fingers fiddle around with the pendant of your necklace, the one that Jungkook bought you three months ago as a present for your six months anniversary. You wore it every single day since then, but you're afraid you'd have to take it off soon.
,,It's not that I doubt you, I know that you won't betray me or do anything like that... I- I just...," you trail off, because god, how are you supposed to explain it to him? He won't understand, and quite frankly, you're scared to open up and tell him why.
,,What do you mean 'you don't doubt me'? That is exactly what you do, every goddamn time, and then I try to prove you my love and show all I've got for you, but I know that any of the things I tried never worked. It's pointless, y/n. I've tried to uphold our relationship, but it's not working," he claims, obviously upset about your bland words, because in his perceptions everything looks different.
Jungkook sounds frustrated and you hate that it's because of you. Your heartbeat roars in your ears as your body fills with anxiety.
,,You don't understand," you say, words almost coming out as a whisper.
,,I don't think there's anything unclear about our situation right now."
Yes - yes there is. So so many things that are unclear.
You take a long breath, trying to calm yourself from the increasing pressure on your lungs. ,,I trust you, Jungkook. It's just- It's just...I'm afraid that you'll see how much better everyone else is and leave me once you realise that I'm not good enough for you." Your eyes sting with tears, but you bite them back, you won't cry. Not now. You've never told him this before. You only got the courage to tell him about your insecurity now that your relationship is threatened to end, but perhaps he'll understand and think twice about ending things with you if he knows what you are dealing with.
,,What are you talking about? Of course you're good enough for me, why else would I be together with you? I only have eyes for you, no one else."
This only proves your perception of Jungkook. He will never understand you. Perhaps its partially your fault for only giving him crumbs of the real reason of your behaviour, but Jungkook never had to deal with insecurities. He's loved by everyone. So how would he be able to grasp the things you have to deal with, because your anxiety is constantly getting into your way when he never had to cope with the same problems?
Of course you can't blame him, but listening to his apathy he confronts you with, after you told him one of the biggest issue that you are constantly dealing with, hurts like hell.
Maybe that should be a reason for you to let go of him. God, you don't even want to think about that. You like Jungkook, love Jungkook, and the thought of ending this relationships feels so wrong, makes your stomach unpleasantly ache.
,,I don't know, I just feel that way. There are so many amazing girl group members and soloists and... I'm, I'm scared that you'll leave me for one of them. I- I feel like I don't deserve to be with you, because everyone else is so much better than I am." A single tear runs down your cheek and you quickly wipe it away.
,,That's bullshit, y/n. If you would have trust in me all of these things wouldn't even come to your mind."
His words sounds so cold and narrow-minded, like he isn't up for hearing your side and whatever you have to tell him won't affect him, because he doesn't care.
,,My trust for you doesn't have to do with any of this." You're more confident and certain now, your heart not beating faster because you're afraid, but because Jungkook is frustrating you.
,,I told and showed you so many times how much I love you, what else am I supposed to do to make you believe me? I've kept up with this for months now and you still didn't change."
,,Telling me that you love me is meaningless when it comes to that," you murmur.
,,Oh, is that why you never said it back? Because saying 'I love you' is meaningless? For some people it does mean something, especially for me," he scoffs, completely offended and piqued, his voice getting louder after every word. ,,And now tell me, am I out here being sceptic about your faith, even though you never said those words to me? Huh? No, because it's stupid to assume that you're not loyal, just because you're not ready to say it yet. But here I am, putting effort into this relationship, because I truly care about it, showering you with love and so much more and you're still mistrusting me!"
Your hand claws at the sheets beneath you, grasping it so tightly that your knuckles turn white.
You never told Jungkook that you love him. Too afraid and scared and still wounded from the scars that the past relationships brought you. Not once did you attempt to tell him why, he always seemed okay with it, never really questioned why there wasn't a reply from you when he said those words. He told you many times, and each time you cherished it with your whole heart.
You want to say something, but your throat tightens, the air in your lungs suddenly gone. You briefly close your eyes, catching your breath.
,,You can't- You can't compare yourself with me," you sniff. So many tears escape your eyes and this time you're not able to wipe them away.
Jungkook utters a heavy sigh. ,,Seriously, I'm so tired of this. And to be honest, I'm already over this thing between us."
Your heart gradually shatters into little pieces, falling to the dark and lonely ground, no one there to try and heal the mess that got created.
Jungkook is over your relationship. He's done. He already made up his mind when he called you. You didn't have to tell him all of these things to explain yourself, they didn't have any affect on his opinion or decision at all. You basically gathered courage to tell him about your insecurity for nothing. It's ridiculous. You are ridiculous.
,,So, this is it?" you whimper, biting your lip to not expose your crying, but it's unnecessary, Jungkook already knows, and the fact that he is not trying to comfort or calm you down is making you want to cry even more.
,,I tried everything to make this last, y/n. I love you, I swear, but it's not working between us."
You tried too. You tried to put away your insecurities and not ruin it so desperately, but it seems like all your efforts were for nothing.
It's over.
,,Text me when you'll have time so I can return your clothes that are at my place."
Your head rests against your knees, face wet from all the tears that stream down your cheeks. You suppress a sob that threatened to bubble from your throat.
,,Okay," you whisper, afraid you'll completely break down if you speak normal.
,,You're an amazing person, y/n. Don't forget that, okay?"
God, can he stop talking with that soft, baritone voice that always managed to make you feel secure and comfortable, when he is breaking up with you?
You don't reply, hastily tapping on your phone to hang up.
You throw your phone across your bed and tear the necklace from your throat. It flies through your room, landing somewhere on the floor.
You loop your arms around your legs, resting your head against your knees and let all the emotions overcome you all at once. You're crying and sobbing and weeping. Letting everything out.
And that's how a nine months long relationship perishes in a barely 3 minutes long phone call.
Laughable, you think. Just another memory to add to your collection of pitiful events in your life.
You should be used to it at this point, but somehow your naive self thought Jungkook was different from everyone else. Of course he isn't. All guys are the same. How pathetic of you to even have the slightest bit of hope to think that it could be true.
Jungkook isn't better than any of those guys. He took your heart, replaced the broken pieces with bits of himself and made you feel loved and respected again, just to destroy it once more, like the times before it got broken weren't already agonising and exhausting enough.
You thought he could save you. Thought he was the one to make you feel like your old self again, and perhaps he partially did, but now you're back at where you started nine months ago. 9
This time there's is no one to catch you from the long and exhausting fall through the darkness.
And there also won't be anyone to help you see the light again.
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Me after looking at the photos I took yesterday mornin
good for him
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how is yoongi's aftercare? 👁👁
Nonexistent. Jk don't worry haha
He's holding you, close, tightly, with arms all around you and your head held close to his chest. You're trembling, shivering not from the cold but simply exhaustion, and he knows exactly what you need right now.
"There you go.." he hums towards you. "Absolutely perfect.." he praises, never loosens his hold, knows how sensitive you are right in this moment. He's still inside you, and you're still clenching occasionally, his cum already leaking down his own thigh. But he doesn't mind. "You're my baby, aren't you?" He asks, tests, and you only nod, frantically so, clinging closer. "You are." He reassures because of that, doesn't move yet.
He doesn't mind you taking your time right now. He's taken his sweet time as well, after all.
It's when you slowly lessen your tension on him that he actually manages to get up, his workout fruitful as he's able to carry you with him, to set you down on the toilet so you can half-consciously do your post-sex business while he runs the bath, and sets out towels for after.
Anyone else might go change the sheets, or shower, maybe- but he knows from experience that you shouldn't be alone right now. Not yet.
Inside the warm tub, he carefully cleans your skin, uses the vanilla scented body scrub you love because it makes your skin soft and smooth- and he has to agree, that it does indeed. He loves your skin. Not just because it's nice, looks good, but because..
He loves your soul, most of all. But that, he can't touch. Your skin, however, he can. That's why he loves it, that's why he takes such good care of it- of your body, in general.
His hands run over the cleaned skin in slow movements, a kiss placed on the tip of your shoulder, and you smile, leaning into him. "Yoongi?" You wonder, and now he knows, you're back.
"Hm?" He wonders, snakes his arms around you, leans his head on your shoulder- the tips of his hair wet.
"I love you." You tell him, and he smiles, nodding, relaxing, enjoying this moment of softness and warmth for a little while.
"So do I." He says to you just a breath later, not because that's what you say in moments like these-
But because he means it, with his whole heart.
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Jungkook is a sinner.
He committed a sin with his new single.
No words about the explicit version.
I think there now is a difference between a hot guy who makes good music saying that he'd f*ck his girlfriend 7 days a week and my (hot excrush turned) friend saying the same few nights ago.
Now I'm down for a guy like that.
Tumblr creators, let your creativity explode 🔥
Angst
Fluff
NSFW
Give us them all
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just jungkook folding his underwears in front of millions of people 😂
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jungkook adjusted his schedule so that he’ll be there when hobi enlist 🥺😭 (trans. cr. BTStranslation_, JlNSONYEONDAN and lovemazejikook)
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