lixzislow - Tumblr blog

lixzislow · 4 months

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lixzislow · 4 months

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Sorry for being dramatic, emotional and erratic. It will happen again.

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lixzislow · 4 months

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I wanna eat so bad. I keep obsessing over it. I Want to. I'm dying to eat. Why is this my damn life? I cant fking cope lately. And I think im losing my mind more too...

I considered getting my ass to the emergency room, but they literally can't help me.

No one can.

The only thing I could See making it better is being so sedated I don't think or feel. And I know they're not gonna agree to sedate me with benzos until I get to a home.

Cause you know... that's insane. It's an insane idea. And it's the only thing that could actually help.

Fml.

I wanna go against him. Cause like... How much worse could it really get? What could he possibly do to me that isn't already happening? But Every Single Time I've followed that feeling and actually gone against him, I've been wrong. It gets worse. And it's Never worth it. Fk this. Fk everything. I Hate being alive.

Don't send help. I Cant be helped.

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lixzislow · 4 months

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Im a broken man.

A changed man.

He broke me.

I've gone full schizo.

I don't believe in it, but pray for me anyway.

On the plus side, maybe I can make poetry out of this hell.

So...

Enjoy even more fd up poetry potentially.

I wish the psych ward could help me...

#actually psychotic #actually schizophrenic #schizophrenia #schizophrenic #psychosis #schizospec #send help #im #broken #mercykillme

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lixzislow · 4 months

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(Tw: ed)

I'm watching the hunger games with my friend tonight. It was decided very quickly and i only have a few hours to adjust.

The problem is that we're snacking while watching. I have to eat like I normally do or they'll figure something is wrong.

This means I have to break my 2week fast tonight. I was not prepared for this.

I have so much anxiety about it.

I've just been going through my days not eating and not thinking much about it. I've honestly felt Better while starving.

I didn't think eating to cover it up would give me this much anxiety. I'm worse than I thought. I haven't realized how serious the problem was because I haven't had to face eating.

I feel like shit. It's all fun and games until you have to eat. Fuck.

#rant #tw ed #tw ana #anxiety #~~#killme #why am i this??

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lixzislow · 4 months

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I wont be able to celebrate xmas with my grandparents cause i have a cold. Its sad. I Want to go. But the fd up part is that I'm relieved on one level. I won't have to eat for xmas.

I was gonna combine my cheat day (from reaching a certain weight) with Xmas. So I could eat whatever I felt like then and just have a good time with them.

Now I won't be able to go. And a part of me is happy about it. Cause it means I can have a cheat day with what I already planned to have on my own.

Fuck this. Why am I sorta happy I won't be able to go? Even though I Want to. Life sucks...

#schizophrenia #schizophrenic #schizo #actually psychotic #actually schizophrenic #i hate my life #im so over it all #uuuuuugh

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lixzislow · 5 months

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Having a

"Don't scream, don't scream, don't scream..."

type of day today.

#actually psychotic #schizophrenia #schizospec #schizophrenic #actually schizospec #actually schizophrenic #and so damned exhausted #and misserable #and sick of it #im not gonna scream #i stg #ill get through it without it #i dont wanna alarm people #that dont kniw me #i can do this #killme

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lixzislow · 5 months

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#why am i this?#fuck #i didnt even start again by choice #and now i Want to keep going #why??#why am i like this??#he legit made me starve #as punishment #and punished me for eating #and now my ed has kicked in #and im just like #sick of it #whatever

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