the weird feeling when you can sense you are in a moment you will miss. you can sense that you will look back at the moment and get emotional over it.

yet another day of craving june 2022 and reminiscing, but time keeps passing and it will never slow down.

i think about the last time i saw you too often. if only i knew in that moment that i would never see you again. it has been nearly two years since i last saw you. the last time i saw you, you were walking down a staircase to your car. i was walking to mine. it was as if i felt it would be the last time looking at you, since i chose to look back, across the parking lot. if only i knew i would miss the ability to look at you. god, i miss your stupid voice, and how it made me completely dizzy. i miss the small moments. i miss it all, but life goes on, right? now, i have to park in that parking lot and never see your car, no matter how many times i look around the parking lot, and watch the stairs and never see you walking them. i have the memory of that moment, the exact day, time and place i last saw you, the way your hands started shaking, nervously, when we were close to each other, the feeling of locking eyes across a room, the way we were terrified to talk to each other and never actually had a conversation, our 3 am text message conversations that no one knew about, but it’s all in my head. only the memory remains. will it all fade or will it eternally linger?

i told myself i would stop missing you but i see your name written out, just your name, and my stomach starts hurting. your name will always set something off in me. a name that used to replay in my thoughts.

there’s something about being nostalgic while driving in the car on a rainy night, with all streetlights on. feeling that lump in your throat when you think about people you haven’t heard from in months or routines that used to be so regular that feel weird now. thinking about the past is such a heartbreaking feeling, especially when it’s raining at night.

i went to the fast food place, you told me you went with your mom, today. you told me you went there about two years ago but i still thought about you when i ate there today. we didn’t even go there together but i still thought of you. you are everywhere I go. maybe you aren’t there in person but the things you used to tell me are always in my head, when i go anywhere. maybe i will always imagine what walking into a place and seeing you again would feel like, but that’s okay.

please one more time. please. please. please. please. i want to see your face one more time. i want your eye contact one more time. please. please. give me one more minute of you. please. please. please. do you even remember our 2 am text conversations? do you remember my name? do you remember me? please. please. one more second. please.

today i heard your name in conversation and i got that feeling in my stomach. my hands started shaking.

slowly forgetting you isn’t easy, as many times as i tell myself it’s going to be okay. you are the only person who ever understood me. i haven’t found a connection even close to similar in months. it is approaching one year since we had a back and forth text conversation and it makes my chest hurt and tears run down my eyes. it has been a year. why do i still cry over this? where even are you? you are probably a completely different person now. would you recognize my face? i miss having someone who i could actually feel for. i don’t care about anyone. i can not form a connection with anybody. the feeling isn’t there, if that makes sense.

in another universe, i sit on your bed and you leave the room for a minute and i yell out, “come back loser”. in another universe, you come back in the room and jump on me and start, jokingly, pushing me off the bed. in another universe, you hold me and look in my eyes. in another universe, we constantly make fun of each other. in another universe, we spend every day together. in another universe, we actually talked to each other, like we planned. in another universe, we still are in contact, and our plans actually went through.

the little details of you disappear more and more every day. the little moments. you forget little details. i don’t even think i would recognize you anymore, we are complete strangers. if i walked past you, would i just be a figment of your past you forgot about, or would i be who you were waiting to walk past again, a part of your past you were missing?

remembering how much attention i had from you hurts. i wish i could go back to a time where i typed out your name every day and sent it to you, knowing I would get a response in either a couple seconds or couple of minutes. it was so easy.

you thought the feeling went away. you thought it was completely over but you imagine how they would feel seeing pictures of you now. how they would feel seeing how you changed. how they would feel if you messaged them, out of nowhere. you imagine how it would feel to understand them again… truly know that person again. the feeling always stays, but time will keep going, and they don’t return.

each day keeps passing, months keep going by. i thought i would see you again by now, but time just keeps going. the longer the time goes by, the more you forget me, and i hate that because i think of you every day and i still remember all our jokes, the way you looked at me… everything.

the feeling of reading old messages from you is such a weird feeling. there is a smile on my face while rereading them but then my chest starts to hurt, my eyes water up and i leave the room, go to the bathroom and just break down. it is probably the realization that those messages were too long ago, meaning it can never be the same. i will never see you again. i don’t know you anymore. you are a stranger.

I see you everywhere, but i don’t physically see you. i wish i could physically see you. i see parts of you. i hear phrases you used to say in conversation and think of you. i see an object that reminds me of a memory we shared. i drive past places we went together, and suddenly i see you…the memory i have of you. i sit on a train at 1 am and listen to a certain song and then you are right next to me, only you are not.

i wonder how you are doing. we used to talk almost every day. all i wonder is how you are. what have you been doing every day? i hate how i don’t even know how you are anymore. i don’t even know what you look like anymore…. the last time i actually saw your face was in march, what if you completely changed? what if you are unrecognizable? what if you forgot me … completely? there is nothing i could do