March 19, 2019

Dear B,

I miss you a lot today. Mom got sad today. It broke my heart. But, I have to suck up whatever feelings I have and be there for mom and dad. I’m jealous bc i want to feel what I know I need to feel.

The Dark Season is upon us.

Miss you. Love you.

Later, B

December 4, 2018

Dear B,

Yea. It’s been a while. My life was in shambles. Still kind of is but it’s cool. Charlie and I are still separated and headed towards divorce. Mannne, I know your ass would have said some shit! Haha

But get this, I met someone. He’s so awesome. He makes me smile, laugh out loud, so smart and lovely and I really like him and damn, I’m in trouble. I know you’d like him too. I wish y’all could have met.

I’m winging it all, B. My marriage is over and damn that shit hurts. But I am happy and joyful over the person I met. We have a strong connection. He makes me happy. Que más, verdad?

Work is going well. It has it’s moments but it’s great. The people are what make it.

We went to Connie’s for your birthday. The usual cats. It was so lovely. I always think you have a hand in my feelings because I just couldn’t cry. I rarely do during these things.

And Lilymapoo, she’s gone. 17 years and during my birthday. But she’s at peace wherever she may be.

Our Light the Night was good. Raised a good amount of money and the weather was good.

Sigh.

I miss you. I love you.

Later, B

March 6, 2018

Dear B,

I’m so sorry I haven’t written to you.  It’s hard when you don’t have a job and no longer sit in front of the computer.  

Spring will soon be here but to me, to us, it just means The Dark Season.  For a second there, I ALMOST forgot what you looked like.  I pulled up old photos and whatnot and while it hurt, I was glad that I remembered your crooked nose (deviated septum).

I miss you more than anything. I miss talking to you.  Some things only you would get; you would understand. Only you would have the right words to make it all better.  

Like I said, The Dark Season is upon us and with it comes the memories of things I cannot unsee and feel.  But, with all its pain, you are worth it.  I know you wouldn’t be able to handle it and I never liked seeing you in pain. Ever.

I’m a little lost yet with so many things to do. I hope to see you in my dreams. I miss your laugh and your hugs. Please, guide me, walk with me.  I’ll be sure to have my ears opened.

Miss you. Love you.

Later, B

August 11, 2017

Dear B, Charlie "Coco" passed away on July 27, 2017. It was sudden and quick and I'm super sad. Noah's birthday. I'm tired. This grief is familiar but isn't. Does that make sense? I miss him. This blows. Hard. I love him. I miss you. A lot. I love you. A lot. Later. B

July 18, 2017

Dear B,

I needed a break and since I am not employed, I decided to take Noah and hit the road to Plano, Texas to visit the Godkids and Andie.  BTW, you continuously come up on conversation.  People love you.  People miss you.

So yes, I am now unemployed.  Not gonna lie, it hurt.  14 years came to an end. I miss the work, the people and, the structure.  But, I will be okay.  If I can survive losing you, picking out your casket, your clothes, I can survive this.

Miss you.  Love you.

Later, B 

July 10, 2017

Dear B,

How I miss you, how I love you, how I need you.

I’ve been laid off from work after a 14-year history.

It hurts.  A lot.

I am mourning the loss of my job, my daily routine, my friends at work, the stuff I did.  It hurts.  

On one hand, I get to pick where I go next.  On the other hand, I don’t know where that is.  I lost you.  I have lost my job. I don’t want to lose anything more.  What if I lose my friends? What else will I lose?  It is no where near the loss of you.  But the isolation, the loneliness, the tailspin I’m feeling, the dread, the pain, it’s all reminiscent of the place I found myself in after you.  I should call those time BB (Before B) and AB (After B).

I’m not done crying.  And I enjoy listening to those sad songs because yea, they make me feel better.  I need to get the uglies out.

I’m tired, battling a cold, emotionally drained and looking for direction.  How I wish you were here.  You always knew what to say, what to do.  You always talked me down from the Crazy Tree.  

I miss you.  I love you.

Later, B 

June 15, 2017

Dear B,

Lately I find myself in an odd place, one in which I am out of my body, looking down, all around, watching life and the world unfold.  I’m spend a lot of my time trying to make sense of the tragedies, the celebrations and the wtf moments and people’s reactions to them.  I have been thinking a lot about our upbringing and why we are the way we are.  The praise people gave me (immediately after losing you) in regards to how I was your sister and all the stuff I did, is a little unsettling.  While I appreciate all the kind words, it mostly left me confused; befuddled.  What I did was nothing spectacular and no amount of people will make me think otherwise.  I love you and I did what I did because of that.  My love for you knows no bounds, is unconditional and doubled with each passing day.  It still does.  I just thought that my love for you, your love for me, was just how things were supposed to be.  Is that not how it’s supposed to go?  Are we not supposed to love?  Are we not supposed to give and give and share?  Then again, the fact that I did not realize sooner that my our thought process is different is a huge failure on my part.  It was incredibly silly for me to have thought so and I have no one to blame but mom and dad.  Their good intentions, their words, their giving nature failed me to recognize this earlier until well after tragedy found us and opened my eyes further to the complexity of people and why they are the way they are.  So yes, I blame them, wholeheartedly, and I wouldn’t have had it any other way.  Having said that, we are twins B, born at different times and we think the same way but yet, like twins, we are different.  

So, let me tie this all together, I miss you.  I miss having these profound talks with you and now, this secret place is evolving to one where I write you (in hopes that you read them and maybe send me a sign/reply somehow) and remove these weird thoughts from my head but document them somehow so they exist in another realm.  

If I had to do it all over again, with the same outcome, I wouldn’t change a thing.  Well, maybe a little but, all the ugly parts, I’d still keep.

I miss you.  I love you.

Later, B

June 5, 2017

Dear B,

I had a terrible thought enter my mind last night.  I dunno if it’s terrible; more like a realization.  

One day, I will be the last surviving member of our immediate family.  

Sigh.  It broke me last night.  I am broke.  The natural order has been tampered with and I am not well with it at all.  

This all means that you would have been the last one, well into our old age and now it’s me.  Don’t get me wrong.  I wouldn’t have wanted you to see us all pass before your eyes but, now it’s me and the simple fact that I had to see my baby brother before my eyes is heartbreaking and this little fact doesn’t make things any easier.  How am I going to do this?  And I have never felt more like an only child than I do now.  I hate this feeling.  This feeling sucks.  I miss doing and being a sister with you.  

I miss you, B.  I love you, B.

Later, B

May 18, 2017

Dear B,

Chris Cornell has passed away.  This makes my heart hurt.  I loved that man and his music and his presence and his contribution to the world; to my world.  I especially loved how we shared our love and admiration for him.  Superunknown.....funny....after you passed, I listened to that album a lot.  The name, I was in an unknown world, the superunknown.  Odd, huh?

I just had to post this.  My heart truly is aching right now.  That voice...Like a Stone was your song.  It was on your playlist that I discovered.  I added it to your playlist, Songs in the Key of B.   Oy.

I miss you.  I love you.

Later, B

April 20, 2017

Dear B,

Tomorrow is actually April 20, 2017 but I won’t be anywhere near a computer tomorrow and the day after so, I am writing this in advance.

3 years = 36  months = 1,096 days I have lived without you.  Each day I have thought of you.  Each month, around the 20th, I stopped my heart from beating because it hurt so much to know you weren’t a phone call away from me.  3 years have passed and while it still feels so fresh, it also seems like it happened lifetimes ago.  I have missed you every day since April 20, 2014. Every day that passes is another day in which I don’t understand how this happened.  1,096 days have passed and every day I feel that grief in my heart trying to climb up my throat, trying to well up in my eyes, trying to roll down my face, trying to fall off my chin, trying so hard to make it hurt all over.  Every day I hope that I am living a bad dream and while I am fully aware that this is reality, a small piece of me wishes and wishes beyond that hill of hope that it’s all a bad dream and you are on your way over for a big slice of lasagna made special for you and strictly by request.  

I have learned that life isn’t fair.  That it is cruel and unforgiving and simply doesn’t care about taking away the things you hold most dear.  I have learned a different view of my faith; that God simply didn’t take you away.  Those sayings people say, “Everything Happens for a Reason” and “God’s Will” are simply sayings people say to make the pain a little more gentle.  Some people, with similar pain, will still say those things to themselves, but I cannot.  And yet, I don’t fault them because they just want to make it not hurt so much.  However, I refuse to see how that could be said about you.  You were meant to be here and you were meant to change the world.  You.Were.Meant.To.Live. I cannot accept any other form of explanation to this loss.  Ever.  

And yet, I am not angry.  I’m just sad.  I am living my life, because I have no choice, but I move forward with a deep sadness in my heart.  This is my life now and I am okay with that.  What am I saying?  I just miss my best friend, my confidant, my soul mate, the ying to my yang, my baby brother whom I have loved since I first laid eyes on, whom I held and kissed and cried over as God welcomed you into the Kingdom of Heaven.   That’s it.  That’s all of it.

Miss you.  Love you.

Later, B

https://vimeo.com/213759466

https://vimeo.com/212814076

April 5, 2017

Dear B,

With no shock, this month has punched me in the gut (and heart) and left me winded and broken.  It’s all those reminders of what happened 3 years ago that get me.  Having to witness all that from Last Rites, to consenting to your Comfort Care....oy.  I’m trying very hard to not focus on all that, really.  Not trying to forget it because I don’t want to.  Rather, I want to focus on all that we did; all those talks.  

I can’t tell you how incredibly hard it is.  My grief is so deep mostly because this wasn’t supposed to happen.  This is not the natural order of things.  You were supposed to bury me as an old lady.  I wasn’t supposed to make all those decisions while you were in the prime of your life.

I know you don’t want me to be sad, but I can’t help and be devastated by this huge loss, one I never expected to endure.  You have left this huge void in my life, my heart, and it’s hurts beyond words and without measure.  I am your sister and I hold your past and your future.  I keep moving towards a future that doesn’t include you and all the plans we had made.  

All apologies, B, for my aching heart.  

I miss you.  I love you.

Later, B

March 3, 2017

Dear B,

The next few weeks are all leading up to the day you left.  Sometimes it’s easy to push all that pain down but, then, something happens, not enough sleep, someone mentions something, I find something of yours, usually unexpected, and boom, I’m weak in the knees and a lot comes back.

I logged off my Facebook account because I just don’t want to really dwell on reading those words I wrote 3 years ago.  The ones where I asked for help, for prayers, thoughts, strength.  The ones where I had to detail the updates and the prognosis and eventually, your passing.  Even now, as I write this, my eyes are welling up thinking about it all.  About that night I spent with you at MDA.  That night, it haunts me but I am so happy for it.  It was there, that night, while I know you love me, I found out exactly how much you actually did do. It’s where I found out how far the depth of my love is for you.  People always say, you will never know how much I love you.  But, I did.  I know you did too.   And it haunts me still.  I know I’m waiting on your call just like the call that night.  I’m so sorry we fought that 1 time before that night.  I’m sorry I didn’t get it.  I’m sorry that you were just thinking of me.  I’m sorry.  I’m sorry that I didn’t get that you love me so much.  I’m sorry that we fought just that once in about 14 years.  

I miss you so much.  I love you so much.

Dad.  I threw dad a birthday party for his 70th.  I thought about a This Is Your Life segment but, how could I?  The waterworks.  Besides, I know you were there and it was a grand time.  Thank you for pulling some strings in regards to the weather.  

Have I mentioned that I miss you so much?  That I love you so much?

I do.

Later, B.

January 5, 2016

Dear B,

Happy New Year.  Today my grief is rising up into my throat.  I feel the emptiness everyday.  This morning, as I made my way through the Heights, I grew worried.  Just this weekend I remarked that since you left, I realized just how connected we were; how everything I am is surrounded by your and your presence.  You had quite the impact on me and how I came to be the person I am now.  The store around mom’s and dad’s is FINALLY getting remodeled.  Remember when it was a video store?  What?  Like 20 years ago?  At first, I was happy that finally something was going to come out it but, then I grew solemn.  The memories are disappearing.  I worry about that.  A lot.  

But then, I remember how this week I took my son, your nephew, to the park to fly kites.  He’s a natural, like us.  And I’m explaining to him about how mom used to take us to that hill on nice windy March days to fly kites all afternoon.  But, I know that so long as I hold those memories dear and close to my heart because of my immense love for you, they will never disappear.  

I miss you.  I love you.

Later, B

Dear B, Happy birthday.

I will never forget the day you took your last breath but I prefer to remember the day we met. I miss you. I love you. Later, B

October 13, 2016

Dear B,

October 8, 2016 was the date of the Light the Night 2016.  It was held at UofH and honestly, I prefer NRG.  More room.

Anyhow, it was an amazing turnout.  Our Team shrunk in size but not our spirit.  Mom was present once again and I remain humbled and in awe of her.  She loves you so much and just wants to support anything related to you.  He.  

At one point, the organizers had us turn off our lanterns and told us to only have the gold lanterns on.  Gold represents walking in honor/memory of.  So, we did as told and that is when I lost it.  Then, I looked around and witnessed a lot of gold lanterns; too many lanterns lit.  Not cool.  And that is why I walk.  That is my reason.  It sucks to lose a special someone and I don’t want anyone to know how this feels.  I do but not at the price of losing someone.  I think you would have been proud of me.  

Another walk in the books, #3.  Time to start working on #4.

Miss you.  Love you.

Later, B

September 30, 2016

Dear B,

These are the pictures the monument place sent me.  What do you think?  I think they came out great.  I love it.  I think you will too.

Sigh.

I do miss you.  I do love you.

I was thinking about MDA today.  About how I hate that place.  About how I hope to never set foot in that place again.  But, it was there, in that awful place, where I learned just how much you love me.  It was there where I learned the depths of my love for you; what I was willing to do for you.  I hated visiting you there because, each time I walked away, after kissing your forehead and whispering to you all the I miss yous, I love yous that I could, I left a piece of my heart there.  The walk to the elevator, down to the first floor, that long lonely corridor to the lobby back to the car; awful.  How I never puked is beyond me.  

With everything going on in regards to another friend battling cancer, my mind goes back to a lot of stuff I had pushed deep down concerning you.  Stuff I didn’t want to think about anymore.  At least, not now.  Mostly, I think back to that awful day you left and sitting in the lobby thinking, “What now?”  I noticed how the world kept moving.  People walked about their lives and I just wanted to scream at them and tell them to pause for a moment because the most beautiful, special, lovely, awesome, my best friend, my soul mate, unicorn to this world was gone.  

I miss you terribly.  I love you immensely.  I’m glad I had that tiny bee, circled by those words, etched onto your stone.  They mean a lot to me.  

Later, B

September 27, 2016

Dear B,

Well, your stone is ready.  They are laying down the foundation today.  I wasn’t prepared to see it today as I paid the balance but, they showed it to me and it’s spectacular!  (SEINFELD!)

I am going to work on seeing it at your place next week when it’s finally installed.  

Sigh.

I miss you.  I love you.

Later,

B