i was writing a unrequited love angst fic, except i fucked up and now it’s a love cycle. person a is in a relationship with person b who wants person c, but person c develops a crush on person a and ends up hating person b because of it and they take it out on person a. fun times

how far are my social defects my fault and how far are they intrinsic. because like, yeah i can’t talk to people, but at the same time i don’t really try that hard. i tend to blank when asked a question i can’t answer, and even when i say something my voice isn’t loud enough. i say i don’t have an [insert social media] because i don’t, but i could get it if i wanted. if i were quicker with my answers or actually said what i was trying to say then i’d get by better, but my dumb fuck mouth won’t make the right sounds and i stress so hard the end result is nothing. it’s annoying as hell icl

I wish there was a way to tell people that the words “right” and “left” mean absolutely nothing to me without sounding like an idiot. It’s something that most people don’t even have to think about, so I tend to get made fun of when I get them confused. It’s annoying af

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minds suck cause i’ll be poking holes in a potato to cook it and all of a sudden i imagine it’s actually my leg and now i feel awful and scared and ‘there’s a knife coming for my leggggggg hnn :cccc’ except there isn’t actually

why does everything feel like shit again wtf???? it’s not even new years i can’t fucking do this

on one hand i love college. it’s fun it’s interesting i actually like the lessons my lecturers r cool my class size isn’t mental and i can wear the clothes i like. on the other hand i have been on the verge of actual sobs at least once a week for the past month. i don’t know why. it’s typically thursday. what the fuck is in the air on thursdays

my besties having an emotional crisis but i’m off my tits drunk and abbas in the bg

sad music isn’t enough i need my favourite characters to go through literal hell and have it be unwillingly exposed to the rest of the cast

i may possibly have intrusive thoughts. there that is my revelation for the year now i can force it down and ignore them until i’m old enough to pay someone to tell me that i’m lying and it’s completely normal so i can go back to fearing everything but especially mind readers

people when i tell them that i once almost cried in the school cafeteria because i panicked over whether keeping my bag where it was would be hurting the person next to me and therefore was the worst action i could ever take ever and i should be crucified but also panicked because what if moving my bag somehow expressed racism and it upset the other person because it implied an unwillingness to be near them (i would have moved the bag like a quarter of a metre at most and i myself would not have moved an inch)

squishmallows is evil i’m actually going to fucking shoot myself god please strike me down i can’t do this any more

the only thing worse than having no irl friends is the knowledge that it’s almost entirely your fault. sure my only friend being far away and going to a diff school isn’t because of me, but it’s my own social ineptitude which ruins any relationships i could make at college. it’s my knee jerk reactions and inability to connect and distrust which have left me isolated and there’s nothing i can do to fix it because the chance to befriend any of them has passed.

oh yeah no i’m fine i don’t need help with this!! ^^ (i am three seconds away from exploding i cannot do this but if i tell you that then i have failed and must be actively lying even if i’m telling the truth and this is probably an elaborate set up for you to judge me anyway and if i accept help then i will die alone and unemployed but i can’t do this fuck fuck fuck please help me god)

is there a word between paranoia and anxiety that isn’t medical-based because i need a stronger word than fear that’s more concise than ‘the absolute horror that everything will go wrong at any given time because You Personally are fucking up and the world is against you here quickly do this thing so you aren’t judged eternally’

sometimes i think i’m fine then someone talks to me and i go absolutely ballistic because they a) asked me where i was going instead of how i am so i don’t have a script for what to say b) smiled at me and now my brain is convinced they’re Out To Get Me because being friendly isn’t real apparently c) asked for my contact info to talk to me and it stressed me out so badly i ended up acting like a dick. i am under the impression that this interaction would have gone a lot better had i known his name except because i didn’t i genuinely thought it would be best to aggressively avoid all chances of contact so i didn’t possibly upset him by not knowing his name later down the line (my anxiety made me prickly and unapproachable and most definitely was ruder than not knowing his name). this is why i can’t make friends

scrolling through a tag i hate for emotional catharsis because it’s the only thing i know can make me feel after i’ve ran out of sad fanfiction to read (my emotional state is twisted to shit the only way to tell how i’m feeling is to engineer the emotions please god someone help me i want to stop but i can’t because then it’s back to the confusing mass of barely there feelings why am i doing this to myself stop)

can someone just fucking cut my head off or something. eliminate my ability to think. hypnotise me so i don’t have to go through the ordeal of figuring out morality because winning is impossible everyone will be mad at me all of the time no matter what i do and i will be euthanised for the crime of choosing the wrong thing