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lauren-scharf · 5 years

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The Mathematics of Memory

An Imitation of Form of Eula Biss’ “The Pain Scale”

By Lauren Scharf

For Grandpa Will

0---

An advanced fifth grade math class told me of the unique qualities of the number zero. Nothing can be divided by zero. There’s no way to carry out such an equation. I fantasized what it would be like if I could find a way.

I am sitting on a plane to New York, preparing myself to be coddled by parents, grandparents, and cousins, who have been counting down the days until my visit, and they’ve finally reached zero.

An underachiever in all other subjects, I excelled in math because of my ability to remember things through numbers, as though their values and patterns made up an alternative language.

Can zero be divided by zero? I think of this and ask my high school A.P. Calculus teacher. Her quirky response explains that black holes are where God divided by zero. I immediately imagine writing zero over zero on the next exam, and watching the equation animate to a swirling vacuum that sucks the surrounding scribbles and equations inside, leaving a blank page.

In a deck of cards, there is no zero. Each card has some worth. The closest suitable are the Jokers, which belong to no suit and are commonly discarded before a game is dealt.

The New York excursion is for my youngest cousin’s Bat Mitzvah, or “Bas Mitzvah,” as my Grandpa says it. It’s the last of this generation, and there is yet to be a Bar Mitzvah. Grandpa makes a regular joke at reunions like these. “Where are all the boys?” There are no grandsons. The Scharf family name stops here.

Any number over itself is one, except the infuriating zero.

---1---

My sister taught me fractions when I was little. I didn’t ask her to. She also liked to correct and poke fun at my childish mispronunciations. “Count-culator” made sense to me for the purpose it served, as well as “Old-timers.”

“It’s ‘Alzheimer’s,’ Lauren.” She had to write the word out for me before I caught my mistake.

An ace holds a discontinuous value in a deck of cards. Aces high means eleven. Aces low means one.

I was a year old when I took my first plane trip, once again to New York. I don’t remember a thing about it but home videos show the brown shag carpet and gold furniture in my grandparents’ house just as it all looks today. Nothing’s changed there.

My grandpa taught me how to gamble. I was the only first grader to recognize the checkers pieces as poker chips.

---2---

My favorite children’s game was Memory: a deck of cards, usually with pictures if meant for a younger age, is set up in rows and columns, face down, and turned up two at a time in an attempt to find a match. I was unbeatable. My parents and their friends were so impressed by how quick I was to recall a pair and pick up techniques. “You have to pick up the one you think it is before the one you’re sure of,” I would tip-off to my opponent.

Grandpa’s game is called 31. Much like 21 but with an extra card in each hand. Players take turns picking a card from the deck and discarding; if the top of the discard pile follows suit of the next player’s hand, they may pick that card instead, but forfeit the secrecy of their suit in hand.

The higher the card number, the higher its value. Face cards are ten. Aces are high.

No one ever picks a two from the discard pile. It’s not worth the risk, not to mention the subsequent mockery from other players.

“A deuce for my favorite Grandpa!” One of my favorite things about 31 is playing just ahead of my Grandpa so I can discard all of my worst and lowest cards, simply to catch the looks on his face.

Grandpa has my eyes; or I suppose I have his. They light up and widen when we’re caught by surprise, but squint into slits when we smile, more so if we’re laughing. His eyes are a little more hidden among wrinkles and behind a thick pair of bifocals.

Memory storage is marked by two stages: long term and short term. It’s difficult to draw a line between the two. How long is long and how short is short? My understanding is that the long term is for the firsts. First kiss, first pet, first day of kindergarten. While short term is for the lasts. Last night, last Tuesday, last book you read.

In one of her first games of 31, my sister jumped from the table and shouted “Thirty-two! Thirty-two!” She was convinced she had two aces of the same suit.

Thirty-one is the highest score you can get in 31 (fittingly). An ace and two tens, all one suit. This hand ends the round instantly and every player but the holder of 31 surrenders a chip to the middle. A player can also end the round by knocking with what they believe to be the highest hand, or at least not the lowest. The lowest hand must pay up.

My sister had two aces alright. One, hearts, the other, diamonds. We made her pay double.

---3---

Some experts separate memory storage into three stages, adding the “Sensory stage” to long term and short term. The sensory stage acts as a filter to determine what information will pass into short term, and perhaps eventually long term, or if it will be stored at all.

Information is only in this stage for a flash of a second, like an exposure to film. That kind of information, however, is preserved through a different medium.

One of my first vivid memories is of a day in preschool when my mom was late picking me up. I couldn’t tell time but I knew when the hands formed an “L” pointing to the number three, my mom was due to walk through the door.

This was most likely not the first time she ran behind, but it was the first time I noticed. I developed a tickle in my throat, and as the angle of that “L” turned more acute, the tickle progressed to more of a scratch. I wanted my mommy. At three years old, this was the first time I would recognize a common sickness coming over me.

My family took a trip to Rhode Island when I was three. My mom had to tell me that; I had no recollection of being in Rhode Island. To me it was just another trip to the east coast to see family. When on the beach I saw my grandpa’s jolly sized belly and asked why he had an inny belly button while I had an outty. He told me it was to make a nice home for the spiders that lived in there. That, I remember.

The most infuriating hand to pick up in 31 is three tens, each a different suit. Thirty points altogether yet the hand is valued only at ten. The first card I pick up from the deck determines what I’m collecting. A couple times, this has been a fourth ten of the remaining suit. At some point, I’ll have no choice but to discard a high card, reluctantly assisting my opponents.

---4---

I’m not the best at Memory anymore. Ever since a childhood friend became the first to beat me, I’ve been on something of a cognitive decline. We lost touch years ago, but I remember her birthday was four days before mine.

Many fail to see the pattern in dates, which are frequently the first details to fade from memory, despite that each presents its own reminder in the form of a reoccurring anniversary.

They also separate into four seasons.

All of the cousins and I were born in summer; six birthdays fitting perfectly from late June to early September.

Memory retrieval in the human mind is broken up into four common components: verbal recall, aural recall, visual recall, and tactile recall.

Retrieval through speaking, retrieval through hearing, retrieval through seeing, and retrieval through touching or writing.

Numerical recall is perhaps too rare or vague to classify.

Grandpa’s birthday is in March. My dad says he’s 88 years old, but I don’t think he’s remembering correctly. Like father, like son.

The four suits of a traditional deck of playing cards are spades, clubs, diamonds, and hearts.

These suits originated from the French style of playing cards and, while not the first, they were the cheapest to manufacture, and thus the most popular.

Other countries alter, slightly, the name and appearance of certain suits. For instance, clubs are acorns in Germany and Italo-Spanish or Latin decks have cups in lieu of hearts. These discrepancies are mostly found in cartomancy, or tarot cards.

Whatever the icon, each suit follows a pattern rooted in the feudal system: Spades for nobility, clubs for peasants, diamonds for merchants, and hearts for members of the clergy.

The suits also consistently associate with riches and romance, adversity and agriculture. Can you find each match?

The four elements, earth, water, fire, and air tie into the four suits as well, though this pattern is more obscure and it is arguable which suit belongs to which element.

---5---

When my dad told me of the changes in conversation with my grandpa, how he asks the same questions every five minutes, I shrugged it off as a natural consequence of aging. I’ll believe it when I hear it for myself.

My memory runs on aural recall.

Some card decks hold five different suits, the fifth tying in the classical element Aether, a void or space, dark matter, pertaining to the space above the terrestrial sphere.

In mythology, Aether is the open sky where only the gods live and the pure air which only the gods breathe; heaven.

Aristotle names Aether as the fifth element but noted that it lacked the qualities of the other four in that it could be neither hot, cold, wet, nor dry, and its only recordable change was in density.

Much like a black hole.

An estimated 5 million Americans suffer from Alzheimer’s disease. By 2050, the number is expected to hit 13.4 million.

---6---

Almost 60% of Americans think Alzheimer’s is genetic.

Like eyes, or a smile, or a family name.

No matter how random they may seem in the world of arithmetic, numbers consistently go hand in hand with formula. Strategy requires such a pattern to ease the task of memorization. This is how some people are able to memorize Pi to a thousand digits, if they really have the time and patience to do so.

My sixth grade locker combination was 24-6-42. Two plus four equals six minus four equals two.

The combination of my locker in 12th grade is a blur.

---7---

Seven is my lucky number, which sounds very cliché, but I picked it for my favorite month, which has my birthday, July. The 10th of July if you’d like to remember it.

Seventeen is my sister’s lucky number, chosen, I think, for the day her birthday falls on. But then her name also has seventeen letters. Then again so does mine.

Therapies show that keeping the brain engaged with patterns and puzzles delays (though does not prevent) memory loss and confusion.

All these years Grandpa was teaching the family how to gamble, I should have explained to him the grids and patterns and tips and tricks I found in Memory.

Just a reminder, my birthday is the 10th of July. Seven/ten. Seven plus ten is seventeen. Seventeen letters are in my name. If you didn’t remember it before, perhaps you will now.

---8---

Alzheimer’s starts in patients when certain forms of the gene apolipoprotein E, or ApoE, promote the formation of an abnormal amyloid precursor protein, or APP. APP clumps together to form plaques that break down tau proteins, whose purpose it is to stabilize a neuron’s structural integrity. Once broken down, the neuron dies, leaving a hole that disrupts the electrical signals traveling among the nerve.

Much like a black hole.

Tau ÷ (APP × ApoE) = x over zero. I found it.

When film is overexposed, it processes as a white, almost heavenly void or space.

Not only is there no cure for Alzheimer’s, but there’s also no way to test absolutely positive for the disease until an autopsy is performed. I think that’s a bit too late.

Unlike a three year old with a sore throat, my Grandpa is 88, give or take, and he doesn’t know if he’s sick.

Screenings, recall tests, and family member reports promise 80 to 90 percent accuracy.

It’s getting there.

---9---

I once read about a photographer who developed a journal documenting the final three years of his father’s life. The old man lacked all short term memory storage and would ask his son over and over where his mother was, as though no one told him of her death.

Tired of watching his father’s heart break again and again, the photographer joined the game of pretend, and told his father she’d simply gone to Paris to join the circus. The pretending continued until the father’s death at ninety-nine.

Once parties and brunches that follow the very last Bat Mitzvah die down, the family finally gets a chance to crowd around the kitchen table for a good old game of 31.

“Where are all the boys?” He asks this more and more these days. I want to think that he believes it’s funnier with repetition, but part of me wonders if maybe he doesn’t remember asking just minutes before. Another part wonders, and worries, if he’s really not sure of whether or not he has grandsons.

They’ve gone to Paris and joined the circus, Grandpa.

---10

Grandpa knocks with the confident gambler’s attitude he’ll probably always have.

The family each takes one last turn before we reveal our hands.

Grandpa has three tens; thirty. However his hand is only worth ten. He’s forgotten the suits.

This game, this last game, goes in my long term memory.

#alzheimers #essay #nonfiction #death #dementia #coping #mental health #cognitive psychology #cards #grandparents #family #Eula Biss #loss #imitation of form #memory #memory loss #grief

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lauren-scharf · 6 years

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Reposting this 6 year old blog because it’s EVEN MORE IMPORTANT this year!

THE LINKS MAY BE OUTDATED SO HEY, REGISTER TO VOTE HERE!

FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER HERE!

Political Malarkey Aside, Your Vote is Important

By Lauren Scharf

“I’m so sick of politics, I’m not even gonna vote this year.”

There’s an important election going on this year, as you must know. Don’t deny it. You know it’s everywhere. It’s on TV, it’s all over your Facebook newsfeed, it’s the ad that plays before YouTube videos. Politics, I tell ya! Every year, they’re at it again. Four years ago was my first election, and a big one at that. I had just started school, along with thousands of other art students ready to embark on a decade-long journey of being in excruciating debt. Despite the common ground I shared with these peers, I was surprised to find how many were not ecstatic about voting. “I’m so sick of politics. I’m not even gonna vote this year.”

Here’s the thing: Politics and Democracy are not the same thing. There’s a reason they hold these god-awful (gosh-awful if you’re a theist) elections every year and there’s a reason they’re especially more important/annoying every four years. I love complaining as much as the next American, but I think we can all agree I give up my right to complain when I give up my right to vote.

You might think it doesn’t matter, or it doesn’t apply to you, but it very much does. If you’re employed and absolutely dread when tax time comes around, this election applies to you. If you have a bank account, this election applies to you. If you are unemployed but still have the capability to break a leg or have a heart attack, this election applies to you. If you like to smoke pot, this election applies to you. It’s not more important for women to vote, or for gays to vote, or for the youth, or elderly to vote. If you are a US citizen of legal age, it is important that you vote.

I won’t tell you who to vote for; that’s not my place. If you’re confused, try this quiz to see who you side with. You might surprise yourself. If you’re still confused because you didn’t know half the issues discussed in that quiz, you’re in luck, my friend, because if you’re reading this, it probably means you have access to the internet. Google the issues, watch a few news segments. This is the media age, people, you have no excuse. If you’re like me and you’re on Tumblr night and day, check out this Election Blog with testaments from both sides of the ring. September 25th was National Voter Registration Day. How fun! If you’re not registered, see if there’s an event near you (or just plain ol’ register right here). If you are registered, double and triple check double and triple check to make sure!

I know this Election/Blame-Game/Horse Race/Cage Match/Dressage Competition is exhausting, but all you gotta do is check off a few boxes and you’re free to tune out those attack ads like they’re Macy’s Christmas Sale Commercials (which are inconveniently just around the corner). Good luck to you all, my fellow Americans. You may now return to your cat videos and Gangnam Style tutorials.

Check out Lauren's blog and follow her on Twitter.

#VOTE #national voter registration day #REGISTER TO VOTE #ELECTION #MIDTERMS #TRUMP #DONALD TRUMP #IMPEACH #SCOTUS #POTUS

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lauren-scharf · 6 years

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back on tumblr to share this one pic of a happy bb ellie

bye forever or for like another 5 months

#elephants #baby elephants #dumbo

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lauren-scharf · 6 years

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I recently picked up some lovely new subscribers and wanted to introduce myself with a little Q&A, courtesy of the Oxford Capacity Test from the Church of Scientology.

#scientology #Youtube #vlog #Lazy Sundays #Lauren Scharf #Tom Cruise #Full House #Tanner Family #Last Week Tonight

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lauren-scharf · 7 years

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“I never had any friends later on like the ones I had when I was twelve.”

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lauren-scharf · 7 years

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Coming back on tumblr to post this walle gif jus cuz

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lauren-scharf · 7 years

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This might be the world's oldest pair of flip flops. I bought them 13 years ago. I remember only because I was with my childhood best friend when I bought them and it was one of the last times we hung out before we drifted apart. THEY OUTLASTED OUR FRIENDSHIP. I began to think they were indestructible. Then I went for a walk just now and some jackhole student driver nearly ran me over. Stopped with his front bumper about 2 feet away from me. Would've been less had I not dashed out of the way, which is what finally did these babies in. I almost didn't believe it, though I can't see why I'm surprised; thirteen years is like 140 in flip-flop years. RIP Flippy Floppies. Thanks for getting me through high school, college, beach trips, first warm school days, late night/early morning runs to my car when I forgot about street cleaning, not to mention the finale of that friendship, and it was a sad one. As is this. Now to turn, or should I say flip, over a new page. Time to make memories with a new pair of beach casual footwear. Thanks @vspink for this $5 gift with purchase. Definitely got my money's worth. Just wish they broke a little closer to my apartment. #defeeted #majorflop #yesthisismyfridaynight #notmyday #victoriasecret

#victoriasecret #defeeted #notmyday #majorflop #yesthisismyfridaynight

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lauren-scharf · 7 years

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Joey Tribbiani’s wide-open eyes appreciation post

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lauren-scharf · 7 years

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every time I think i’m done with tumblr they pull me back in

Harry Potter AU where everything is the same except Albus Dumbledore is Ron Swanson

#harry potter #ron swanson #parks and rec #albus dumbledore

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lauren-scharf · 7 years

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#fbf I took this in Grant Park in Chicago on the night Barack Obama was elected, after running a campaign promising hope and change to America. Whether or not you voted for him, you can't deny that he delivered on those promises. Eight years later, I'm back in Chicago, and the electoral college has picked another candidate promising change, but not offering much hope. In the last week, I've lost a lot of faith, but gained a lot of fight. It's tempting to run, or even keep my head down, move on, and accept that some votes just don't count as much as others, but as an American, I am not a coward, and I'm not about to take the privilege I have for granted. While women's rights feel like they may be slowly ripped out of our hands, we still have a voice with more power and more strength than many other groups facing a larger struggle. So speak up. Write. Volunteer. Protest. We don't need a president to create change. Every great president in history started out as nothing more than what we are now. I left Grant Park that night feeling a mixture of accomplishment, adrenaline, and gratitude for my country taking a much needed step in a forward direction. It was a rush and a buzz that has proved difficult to preserve, but it's not dead yet. Because we refuse to be silent. Because we refuse to be ignorant. Because this country was then, and is still, great. #usa🇺🇸 #DA

#usa🇺🇸#fbf #da

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lauren-scharf · 8 years

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You ever have to face the fact once and for all that an old flaming crush was never meant to be? Then face the fact that it was never meant to be because you never actually met the guy? Then face the fact that the reason you never met him is because you're not doing enough with your life to be near him, even if it's only Shia Labeouf? Well now's the time to get your act together missy and missers, lest you miss out on the next crush down the line.

Twitter: @LLcoolScharf Instagram: @LLcoolScharf Snapchat: @LLcoolScharf

#Shia Labeouf #nike #just do it #motivation #motivational #get er done #Lazy Sundays #Lauren Scharf #marriage

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lauren-scharf · 8 years

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This was important 4 years ago, and every year since then, and it’s EVEN MORE IMPORTANT NOW. REGISTER TO VOTE, FRIENDS AND FOLLOWERS!

UPDATED LINKS:

CHECK IF YOU’RE REGISTERED

Political Malarkey Aside, Your Vote is Important

By Lauren Scharf

“I’m so sick of politics, I’m not even gonna vote this year.”

Check out Lauren’s blog and follow her on Twitter.