any advice for me? (tw: suicide attempt)

last night my brother made an attempt on his life, and the only reason we found him before something bad was because he made an instagram post my other brother saw. i love him a lot and i keep thinking about what would have happened if we hadn’t found him. how do i help him? im really bad with emotions but i dont want him to feel unloved. what should i say to him? is there anything i could do for him? and to anyone else who feels the same as him: remember that you belong in this world, and that you’re loved by someone, even if they don’t say it.

yesterday, i experienced a played down feeling of doing triple the work that men did, and getting less recognition for it. in the scheme of things, it doesn’t really matter, but it was my first time something like this happened. in my school, we do a thing called a math carnival where you answer math questions and if you get an answer right you get a ticket to be used later for raffles. me and the other girls in our group are really smart, we’re all in the highest classes and have all a’s, and the two boys in our group are average (THERE ISNT ANYTHING BAD ABOUT THAT). while we were doing these, every time me or a different girl got the correct answers, we would get one ticket. we'd all get it around the same time so we'd each get one, but the boys wouldnt get any since it was a competition. i observe other people a lot, and because of that i would always be watching the barker. every time the girls in the group got one ticket for getting it right, the barker would secretly slip the boys a stack of ten each for some reason. this happened a lot throughout the day, and idk why but it really pissed me off because they didnt even try. they would sit there talking to each other. once again, i understand that this isn’t a rosalind franklin scenario, and it does not matter, but i just wanted to tell someone.

p.s. all of the barkers that did this were men.

i dont think im a good person. i think im one of the worst types. i see whats wrong, understand that its wrong, and still i let it happen. sometimes i actively participate in it. my oldest brother is kind, and doesnt let anything anyone says about him stop him from living truthfully. but the things people say are fucking awful, and i know that i wouldnt be able to handle it as well as he does. my other brother saw what was happening to him, and decided to not let it happen to him. he became one of those popular kids that has a huge ego, but he saw my brother and never bullied someone else. i saw both the paths i could choose, and walked in the middle. im friends with people who aren’t actually popular, but act like they are and gossip like it. they’re shit people and bully/talk shit about people behind their backs. this includes me. the girl i talk to the most in the group, as shes in most of my classes, spends all the time shes with me either complaining about her family or making fun of people. if shes willing to talk crap about the people she actually likes in the group, shes def talking crap about me. shes said things to my face before, but other than calling me a loser the thing she said that stuck with me most was telling me i was the uglier version of another friend (im going to call her S). ive always compared myself to S, as shes the one i look most like. having an example of what i should be right next to me all the time sucks, but i don’t blame her for it. i have a lot of other friends, but none that i could fit into the group with. im not sure what to do. i know that a lot of people who are “older and wiser” than me will say that what’s happening to me rn isnt a big deal, and im aware of that. i try not to let these things affect me, as there are people who have actual problems and arent just spoiled kids who make jokes too much and accidentally made people think shes unaffected. a few days ago the friend who i spend the most time with (im calling her C) made a joke about one of our friends to her face, but it was the kind of joke thats too far. in response to her doing this, since i was right next to her, i told a “joke” to her face that was too far. i said something about how she ruins all of our conversations with negative comments, and thats why nobody talks to her. i could tell by her face that it hurt. she was almost silent the rest of class. i feel like complete and utter shit for saying it, but i keep trying to remind myself that she needs to learn. she comes from a rich family, and thinks that the few minor inconveniences in her life matter to everyone. her mom has bipolar, and the meds she was taking for it made her severely depressed and she ended up going to the hospital for it. ever since she came back from the hospital, C’s been acting like her mom is batshit insane. she got on the bus one time upset that her dad yelled at her, and ended up telling me that her moms crazy because shes not doing anything to take care of herself. i know people who were abused by their parents, and got beaten half to death but still sent back to their house because of the fucked up system we have. C telling me that pissed me off bc she gets whatever she wants, whenever she asks for it, and has never had to worry about money or whether or not her family would survive a war. im not saying these things have happened to me, but i dont try and act like my “problems” are the most important ones. im really sorry about this if for some reason you decided to read the full thing, and i apologise for sounding like a whiny brat, but i needed to tell someone and this way ill never know who that someone is, or if there is a someone. i wish you the very best, and i hope everything you want to happen will. good night

“Sometimes you just jump and hope it’s not a cliff.” - Casey McQuinston, Red, White, and Royal Blue

this might just be me having a moment, but in the naturals when they realize that there are 9 murders every 3 years, doesn’t sloane say they date back to the 18th century? but the cult was started for that one guys brother so it couldn’t have been THAT long ago? does she ever explain that bc i just thought of it

Happy birthday to my favorite character!

My dad just came in my room, looked at my books and said “Oh your grandma was the exact same as you, she had books all around the house. Although she read smut. Wait not smut romance“