ireallydontunderstandpeopleatall
what would Abbacchio do?
Journaling. millenial. dog parent. immigrant. living in usa- southwest.
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this past monday I took smores to the vet to check his condition of chewing on his back legs and on his butt/ back area.
the vet gave him and allergy shot which fixed him and mentioned for long term care to have moisturizing wash baths and benadryls
vet also took his blood to test his liver values, bc in may 2023 when he went to a diff vet for stomach issues and they tested his blood and saw his liver values were off and they gave him liver vitamins to help support his liver which he has not been taking bc theyre chewables but he has not been taking them bc he does not like them
on wednesday his blood work came back and his liver values are still bad and also his kidneys are showing b.u.n? which i need to give the vet a pee sample
so now vet said to do an ultrasound for smores which will cover his liver and kidneys and if necessary will do a biospy after.
and I'm in disbelief because my baby dog is now sick and idk what is going to happen and not sure how much longer he will be with me
this mid week i was so depressed and stressed out bc of costs
the ultrasound i called about to 2 vet specialists our vet recommended and they have both quoted about $745-$920. which means to get an xray alone is already 1,000 dollars.
I can pay 1 ,000 dollars but what is next? how much will treatment be? i googled liver disease in dogs and one person said they paid 14,000$ just to get a diagnosis. I don't have 14,000 now, nor will I ever have it all at once.
I feel so helpless that I can not do more for my baby, and i dont know what to do, am I just suppose to not get him medical care??
I read posts from the rainbow bridge and people who say things like they wish they could have done more for him/her. i now know what that really means.
I thought about how I only have 4,000 and i just let my mom borrow it because shes fucking irresponsible and needs to pay back her debt. and she wont be paying me back for a while but I didnt think i would need that money rn and how wrong i was.
then my fucking big credit card is maxed out due to my mom's usage also. it would have 5,000 which i could have really used for the ultrasound.
and so i was sitting there flipping through my accounts and looking at my balances like a few thousand dollars was going to magically pop up in them and save me and my dog
i looked at my digit savings and even if i cash over absolutely everything I will have CLOSE to 4,000. not even 4,000 :(
then my paypal credit which i asked for a credit line increase and they gave me 2,000 but it said i do not get an actual card for it and its mainly for online purchases so that doesnt help me at all.
so finally i applied for care credit and luckily was approved for 5,000.
also to note i just bought my tesla and the payments are so high and insurance is through the roof and i will turn over this car if i need to to free up money to set aside for smores treatment so we'll see if it comes down to that. it's my dream car but i can always buy another one later and my baby dog needs me right now
so hopefully care credit is enough for everything and i really hope a biopsy will not be 14,000. if things can stay below 8,000 for everything than that is something that i can reach but if they start quoting me 20k or so I'm afraid i will have to make some tough decisions and start considering end of life services for smores.
I have been thinking about it and if it comes down to me absolutely not being able to afford paying for smores services then i will have to start having a conversation with his vet on what i can do to make sure he is comfortable for the rest of his time :(
this week has been me taking so many pics, spending so much time, making sure he feels loved and looking at him like i will never see him again. i keep thinking of how i dont want to think of what it will be like without him, im not sure i will be able to breathe. he is my soul dog and i love him with all of my heart
I called around to see if i could find a better deal on an ultrasound but it looks like i can't. i also have an option of 2 places and right now I have booked with the "better place " but its 3 weeks out and being that long out also stresses me out and idk
I been putting his liver supplements in his water so he can actually take some of it. I really wish I had been addressing this sooner.
with the death of my aunt who i love so much, stephen who was such a good friend and poor daniel. I just want to try to stay positive bc i jsut dont know what to do or think anymore.
the sudden deaths of my loved ones in such a little time has been so hard on me, I remember after finding out about each one my mind goes to a dark place and my body kind of falls apart for a time and it just feels like it gets weaker with each one. I have questioned my own health and then i get scared of what if
anyways so thats whats going on w smores so far
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found out today baby daddy has really moved away to another state and having bittersweet feelings about it
a few weeks ago received an email from N asking if A wants any of his stuff as N is moving. and for A to call him
A called him and cut the convo short and said he did not want his stuff, also some disrespectful stuff.
a week later D of N's Grandma texted to say she still wants to have A in her life and N is moving to washington ( which he mentioned wanting to go there before)
i texted her today to confirm if he is really leaving, using birth certificate as an excuse for inquiring. idk why i needed and excuse just still feel like I'm walking on egg shells with these people.
D said he has moved and that wife needed to be there by the 1st. it's day 8 of the month and I'm just like wow
part of me never thought I would be free of the nightmare that is being his child's mother and the emotional rollercoaster N puts me through periodically, and using A as part of his method to make my life hell
and a part of me is like, i'm sorry your son doesnt want anything to do with u and i hope one day they will be able to make up.
but also im so happy he's gone and like on his own will?
before it was planning on how the hellish outcome will be that A will come stay with me full time when he's 18 and how N will come here starting shit and being a tyrant bc he's not getting his way or feeling like his son is abandoning him
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We played tonight and started late but it was cool then arson joined and it was still late but it was lit and we had a great time. So it's almost 4am and it's one of those nights where we get to go ham and stay up late but it was worth it
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It's raining hard tonight, are the stray animals ok????
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i was feeling depressed yesterday and pretty down bc
monday i stopped and fed a little brown dog that ive seen hanging out at a certain corner but he has not been consistently there. i told myself next time i see him i will stop and feed him bc its cold and i dont want him to be hungry too. so i parked and walked up and left him a plate of wet food and left. i noticed he did not look malnourish or too thin, not fat but healthy i guess i did snap a pic of him to post online if i hear of anyone looking for such a dog
tuesday i did not see little brown dog but driving down the narrow road in front of the trailer park a small white grey and black chihuahua ran out of there(where dogs usually run out of and many have died from vehicle accidents as u see dead animals in the grassy median, at one point there was 4) i stopped to try to pick it up out of the road and danger but it was scared of me and was running around in traffic to avoid me in which i believe i was making things worse but luckily had a dry dog food i sprinkled to the side of the road after a lady and her bf drove by and she suggested it and forced him to give me some of his pumpkin seeds he was snacking on, he had a look on his face like he was annoyed by me but fck him honestly. i made a trail of dog food and this is the premium bil jac that tastes good and the dog went for it and i lead the trail back to the trailer park in hopes it will keep doggy out of the main road. when i drove back the opp way after picking up my son i still saw the dog eating the food i left.
wednesday did not see grey and black chihuahua or brown dog in the morning. but at 8am, the house on the corner which i seen a hairy white dog in the backyard. i saw him out there laying in the grass and looked sad and i assumed he lived outside :( backyard is quite cluttered and stored with many things a dog can hide in, but being in the cold is still being in the cold.
that night i was so emotionally upset thinking of all the strays, lost or dogs that have to live outside, we had freezing temps this winter this is so concerning for me and sometimes when i think about it it makes me feel so depressed and i get this sadness so i try not to think of it. i just love dogs so much and my dog has changed my life and i just want them all to be happy and safe and fed and i know many tragedies and unfairness they have been through before me and will continue after me and the area i am looking out for is such a small area compared to the entire city, state, country, world but if i can just help 1 dog i will feel better.
thursday morning- this morning
i said i will go to yard of fluffy white dog and give him a bil jac dry food snack to try to cheer him up. i parked my car and walked up. he was no where to be seen but he is a barky little guy he was very expressive on monday when i was feeding the other dog. while taking a stroll by, 2 dogs ran out and starting barking at me. lo and behold! brown dog was in yard with white fluffy dog and it looks like they may have came from inside the house. i sprinkled some food and left. when i got in my car and drove away the dogs went back inside i am assuming bc they were no where to be seen as i was driving off. it put my mind to rest a bit knowing fluffly white dog is not an outside dog and that brown dog has a home and must get out and roam but still there is so many cars in the area.
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so i was feeling empty and such bc of my relationship problems and my worry of not finding anyone
but after talking to my therapist and realizing most things in my life are going great outside of my love life. i really dont have much to be unhappy about
and ive chosen to be happy and not focus and be so upset and negative about the love life part bc it could be much worse and i could have nobody at all but thats not the case atm and i still have options even thuogh theyre options i dont want but thats besides the point
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i want to highlight this time of my life as suggested by my therapist
i didn't realize that things are going good for me until i talked to my therapist and hearing it out loud was like wow.
my problems
my son - his dad and him got into it and he is now here full time. he is much happier, my stress levels have gone down.
parents- communication issues, problems with doors being left open and disrespect of common spaces.
my dad has now been consistently closing door fully esp when **********. he seems overall happier and he seems like he is having a better relationship with mom.
mom has been more understanding, patient and seems more open to communication and money is being paid back regularly and at this point almost paid back completely.
health - HS skin issue, gastro, kidney stones
HS is almost completely gone, only shadows of previous affected areas are slowly fading away, no new areas are showing up
gastro- has met with gastro dr for followup after camera procedure. after taking apriso he prescribed, anxiety, stress and depression seems to have gone away or reduced significantly. he mentioned to take apriso for 2-3 days at a time if fell symtoms are coming back up and he will see me in 6 months. i feel great, plenty of energy, sleep easy and overall happier.
kidney stones - dr kenny way looked at the ultrasound and x-ray pics which was additional images taken after the first initial cat scan. both kidneys show kidney stones but very small. she recommends to drink lemon water, try to flush out stones on their own. she will continue to monitor and to come back in 6 months but right now is not a major concern.
relationship - ok my recent posts i made i mentioned i like that twerp kid that grew up and flirted with me and i caught feelings well thats good and dead for me. it helped he 1. did not ghost me but stuck around long enough for me to realize my infatuation was most likely out of lonliness bc i was not speaking w richard at the time. 2. i got to know him and realized he is not someone i want( picky eater, lazy and unmotivated) 3 i had a video call with him and whooaaaa idk if he thinks hes the bell of the ball and has some pull but he is not visually attractive like that and i date men my age who are 10 years older than him that are more attractive and in better shape than him. and i realize wtf am i doing, liking someone long distance bc i can f guys IRL and have a few local men in my inbox and it made me realize how crazy all of it was and then i just became turned off.
richard - we are talking again, as friends. he doesnt call me babe anymore so thats progress. we had sex one morning and it was the first time in a year of no sex with him. we havent mentioned it once or made it weird. although he has been able to disappoint me with being the consistent uncaring a hole he is.
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Today my dad had to change out the toilet in the parents bathroom and It threw my whole routine out of whand I wasn't able to get the proper rest I normally do after work. Now it is 1 AM. And I feel like I am still trying to wind down. And I also feel awake and I cannot sleep and no I am just thinking about how. I will always try to rest when I have the chance and not skip resting time in the future. Also I drink kombucha.
And I I was feeling fine today But now I am not sure if I am feeling sick from kombucha or I am just tired but Normally I should be able to sleep by now. So I am a bit irritated at my restlessness.
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Hug your dog extra tight because tonight is Twinkie's last night. 2012 August 12 she was born. Thanks for accepting my touch when I came to visit Twinkie. I wish I had more time to take you out. Goodnight girl
Praying for all the stray and lost, dogs and cats, to find good, loving, forever homes; and praying for all pets that are abused to be rescued, saved and freed from their situations. May all dogs and cats live their best life all over the world.
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I no longer believed in the idea of soul mates, or love at first sight. But I was beginning to believe that a very few times in your life, if you were lucky, you might meet someone who was exactly right for you. Not because he was perfect, or because you were, but because your combined flaws were arranged in a way that allowed two separate beings to hinge together.
Lisa Kleypas, Blue-Eyed Devil
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This morning he said good morning and sent this
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Latest hobby: radical self-acceptance codependency affirmations
I like to use over-the-top edgy imagery to invoke the ~emo~ sentiments we associate with edge, juxtaposing the aggressively self-loving text. accentuates the punk nature of radical acceptance
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“It was you who made me a better person. It was you who made me love myself. It was you who believed in me. It was you who cared about me like no one else ever did. But it was also you who gave up on me.”
— I will always wonder why, R.R.
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