howterrifying
the inclination to fall
What is this curious inclination to fall?
How did it conquer, or come in at all?
How terrifying, this massive beast.
Devours my heart, as its bloody feast.
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I've finished Ōoku the anime and wow I have shattered into pieces. I knew it was going to be emotional and complicated but it went to some tragic and dark places and I feel like I almost regret watching it except it was also so damn beautiful. I mean, in the rare few moments where we could see some light, the love… that deep, almost indescribable love between the two key characters just… I can't. I am going to need some time to recover from the beauty and pain of it all. I want to cry and scream and I also want to watch some parts again because they were such beautiful moments but at the same time I'm like no everything hurts.
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At a beautiful public library doing some writing today:) small wins ftw ♡
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i don't know why I drew this but I wanted to
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kyou no haiku
So many sharp knives
Fill the space in which I move
Why bother to breathe?
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It hurts.
Of course it does.
Even if it’s over the most impossibly stupid things.
But you learn to walk over it.
Just keep moving.
And step over it.
Without ever looking back.
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kyou no haiku
I am so sorry
I never wanted to live
Yet take up space here
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kyou no haiku
It never leaves you
Buried trauma and its pain
How will I move on?
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kyou no haiku
I run from mirrors
Making it much easier
To run from myself
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I really love emojis.
because they help me appear cordial, polite, happy etc.
when I couldn't be feeling any further from those attributes
thank you, emojis
for helping me give hearts and smiles
when I'd rather say fuck off, you fakers, to the people who give me those same emojis in return
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kyou no haiku
The one who birthed me
Hurts me more than anything
How will I escape?
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kyou no haiku*
Just fully empty
Not knowing if how or why
One should continue
*(an experiment to see if doing these bite-sized cathartic activities are something I can keep up with and they will actually help me)
(but knowing me, this prob won't happen tomorrow)
(I struggle with consistency, showing up for things, even things I enjoy lol)
(ok bye)
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Here’s a casual pic of a pretty but also pretty expensive drink that I shouldn’t have bought but (for various social-pressure reasons) had to.
Sigh.
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I’m not gonna lie.
I want my body to look a certain way.
Have wanted this since I was 17.
And now that I’m 38.
I see how it’s getting further and further from what I wanted.
(Which I’ve never achieved btw)
So yeah.
I am angry.
I’m not going to pretend I’m happy in my body.
I am grateful for the health and mobility I have.
But does it mean I have to pretend I love the way it looks?
No.
I don’t.
Never have.
I hate this.
Someone please s h o o t me in the head.
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Can’t sleep.
But exhausted.
Dreading tomorrow already.
I hate my body.
The way it looks and feels.
I’m so tired.
So so tired.
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I have a terrible headache due to just sheer sedentary living and a frightening lack of movement. Not even exercise, just movement.
And I know by moving, I’ll be rid of this headache (and general malaise) in no time.
Yet here I am, sinking further into the uselessness of my own making.
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It's finally occured to me that why I can't show up for anything (lifestyle or habits-wise) is because deep down I just don't want to show up for myself anymore.
In short...
Yeah.
I've been done for so long.
Is anything worth it anymore?
Nope.
So every day I just wait to nope the fuck outta here.
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It
just
all
seems
so
hopeless.
Why bother doing anything anymore?
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