holyyrose - Tumblr blog

holyyrose · 2 years

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so cute !!! <3

𝙅𝙪𝙨𝙩 𝙡𝙞𝙠𝙚 𝙨𝙚𝙚𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙝𝙚𝙧 𝙛𝙤𝙧 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙛𝙞𝙧𝙨𝙩 𝙩𝙞𝙢𝙚 𝙖𝙜𝙖𝙞𝙣...

Pairings: Seungmin x Reader

Genre: old friends with memories, the tiniest hint of angst, idol!seungmin x former trainee!reader

Contains: some fluff, mutual pinning lol, first snow kinda thing

Word count: 2.7k words

Buy me a ko-fi maybe?

Synopsis: Seungmin doesn't recall when was the last time he saw her, but right now, all he can think of is that she was just as beautiful as the day she left.

Author's note: this is my entry for the #winterfalls event hosted by@hwajin

"Have you guys heard?" Felix says as he looks at his phone, while he sips his iced coffee with his free hand. The other members mutter a monotonous 'what', obviously tired and exhausted from filming all day for their new music video. "Y/n just messaged me, she said that she'll be visiting us for the holidays." Seungmin, who was standing not too far away from Felix, physically stiffens at the mention of your name.

"Ah really? Didn't she quit being a trainee and moved to America?" Chan asks as he gets his makeup retouched by his makeup artist while his manager helps to dab the sweat off his neck.

"Yeah, but we kept in touch since then," Seungmin seems to only sulk upon hearing Felix's words, the feeling of bitterness suddenly filling him up to the brim.

Why keep in touch with Felix but not with me?

"Seungminnie seems to be awfully quiet, don't ya guys think?" Felix teases with a sly grin, earning a chuckle from the other members. "What now?" Seungmin grumbles out, shooting Felix an annoyed glare. "Didn't Seungmin and Y/n had a thing before?" Seungmin felt his cheeks heat up at Minho's question, a slight blush spreading across his cheeks. "Yeah, I can remember that they would eat lunch together," Jisung adds as he sits beside Felix, a half-empty water bottle in hand.

"Oh yeah, I remember one time they were eating ice cream together after practice before. They looked like a cute couple." Changbin butts in, wrapping his arm around Seungmin's shoulder.

Their trainee days were years ago, he can't even remember much of it, but he can recall each and every vague memory that he had of you, especially the ones that Changbin and Jisung had mentioned.

He remembers the moment, he remembers you, your face, and your choppy bangs. He remembers your voice, your favorite flavor of ice cream, and the way you would bite your nails whenever you were nervous.

But when you left him with those memories, Seungmin just can't seem to bring himself to hate you, resent you, or even forget about you. So why, after all these years, why now? Why come back?

"Why are you guys bugging me?" Seungmin whines out, moving away from Changbin and the others, even if it meant losing the cool spot in front of the fan. "Did you and Y/n had a thing way back?" Hyunjin then asks, now standing beside Changbin and stealing Seungmin's spot from before. "Y/n and I were just friends okay? Stop adding malice." Seungmin muses, situating himself on an unoccupied chair.

Right, just friends.

"Stop lying, we know you liked her," Minho says as he leans back to lay on Jeongin's lap who's busy playing on his phone. "Yeah, Hyung. You would always blush whenever she's around." The youngest mumbles without batting an eye, and Felix just snickers as he eyes Seungmin over at the corner, face flushed with red. "Okay, that's enough teasing for today. Y/n said that she'll arrive around the 15th and then she'll be staying over a relative's place so that she can settle down first then visit us around the 17th."

"We'll throw her a welcome party at the dorm then," Chan announces, making his way to sit beside Seungmin. "For old time's sake, yeah?" He adds, but his gaze never leaves the younger.

"Yeah..." Seungmin blurts out with a sigh before attempting to crack a smile despite his nerves. "For old time's sake."

Time seems to fly by since that day and Seungmin never really had enough time to at least mentally prepare himself. He doesn't know what to expect, moreover, he doesn't know what to do.

Would you still be the same Y/n that he met years ago? Would you still be the same silly, goofy, girl that would laugh at her own jokes even though it wasn't even funny? Or did you change?

He doesn't know, and that gives some sort of fear inside of him.

"Y/n, welcome!" He hears Felix greet as soon as he opens the door which was soon followed by a chorus of 'y/n's as the other boys rushed towards the door to greet you. As soon as Seungmin hears the oh-so-familiar sound of your laughter, it was all over for him.

"Hi, guys!" You excitedly greet, giving each and everyone a hug. Seungmin felt his heart constrict in his chest as soon as he sees your face. You still looked the same, the familiarity filling his senses yet at the same time, you looked foreign to him. Maybe it was because you looked more mature now, maybe a little bit wiser, but other than that, it was still you. You still had the same cheery attitude and the habit of jumping up and down whenever you were excited, and god were you beautiful, just as beautiful as the day you first met.

And for a moment, Seungmin felt relief.

You gasp the moment you see Seungmin who was now hesitantly coming forward and you waste no time pulling him in for a hug. "Minnie, I missed you." He hears you mutter as you wrap your arm around his torso, practically burying your head in his chest and inhaling his scent. A blush spreads along Seungmin's cheeks, making the other members who were watching them chuckle and snicker as they watch him hug you back, tentatively wrapping his arms around his small frame.

"Wow, you're still as short as I remember." He managed to joke and you scoff as you pull away from the hug to hit his arm. "I've been gone for years and this is how you treat me?" A hearty chuckle left Seungmin's throat at the sight of the slight pout that formed on his lips. "Ok, cut it down you lovebirds. You can continue catching up later. The food is gonna grow cold." Chan says as he walks in between the two of you, wrapping you both in a headlock to drag you towards the kitchen.

The whole place was lively. The whole dorm was full of chatter and the occasional laughter that fills the air, making the energy contagious, not a gloomy face insight. You missed this, you missed them, and it really made you wonder why you really had to leave.

As you sit in between Jeongin and Jisung, your eyes wander to the figure who was currently at the sink together with Felix. Seungmin, whom you had known since their pre-debut days, become one of your friends that you would usually hang out with when you were still training to become a solo artist. He, together with Felix and Jeongin, would usually hang out with you when they have the time and you were really grateful that they gave you great company.

You were fond of the boys, which you can't deny, but with Seungmin, it felt different.

No, he never became your boyfriend and you never became his girlfriend. You were just friends.

But a part of you wished that you were something even more than just being friends, which of course, is impossible. In the industry, idols who date, let alone a trainee who's at the brink of debuting, is considered as something taboo. And so you kept your feelings to yourself, not willing to take the risk of admitting what you feel towards him because you were pretty sure he didn't feel the same way towards you.

So when you left, you said goodbye to everyone except him. You really didn't know how to face him during that time and your selfishness got the best of you.

But that was years ago. People change as they come and go and feelings fade. You told yourself that you were over it, but whenever you would watch as his eyes disappear into tiny crescents as he throws his head back laughing at one of Jisung's jokes, it made you wonder if you have ever really moved on in the first place.

"We're all out of booze," Minho announces as he looks at the refrigerator, closing and opening it again as if some beer would magically appear if he does so. "Ah, we forgot to restock," Chan responds, standing up from the table to stand beside Minho.

"Does anyone want to go on a quick trip to the convenience store to get some drinks?" He asks the group sheepishly, lightly grazing his nape with a sheepish smile. "Me, I volunteer!" The two boys jolt at your sudden exclamation as you stood up from your seat. "Are you sure? You might get lost." One of them says with concern but you only shook your head. "Yeah, I'll be fine. Seungmin will come with me anyways." The said boy looks at you with shock, his mouth agape, and his eyes wide. "I'm coming with you?" He asks and you nod, coming over to his side of the table. "Yes. Yes, you are, now come on." You say as you practically dragged him to the front door and grabbed your coats.

"See you guys later! We'll be back in a few." The boys didn't even have the time to reply as you had already shut the door behind you. They looked at each other dumbfounded, truly at a loss for words. "Well, that's one way to have him for himself," Minho mutters before taking a sip of his coke.

Seungmin only stares at you wide-eyed as you drag him towards the elevator, his eyes flickering to you and then at your hand that's currently wrapped around his wrist.

"Finally..." You say the moment you step into the elevator, your fingers pressing at the buttons. "I get it, you missed me, but did you really miss me that much to the point where you practically had to steal me from my other members?" He says, a little flustered from the whole ordeal. "Well, this is probably the only time where I could be with you alone so, I took the chance." Seungmin blushes at your admittance and is a little bit surprised at your confidence.

He didn't really know what to say, but it didn't matter anymore the moment the elevator doors finally opens, showing the lobby.

It was chilly outside, and according to the weather forecast that Seungmin had checked on earlier, it said that it was expected to snow.

As the two of you walked side by side in silence, Seungmin ponders if he should say something. You guys were friends after all, so what's stopping him from initiating a conversation?

"So, how were things when I left?"

Ah yes, as always, you've beaten him to it.

"Horrible," Seungmin says absent-mindedly. "I-I mean, it's 'cuz, when you left, it was the time when we were finalizing the members of our group. I really thought Minho and Felix wouldn't be able to debut with us, but I'm really glad that they actually did." He quickly explains, a slight blush forming on his cheeks.

"The boys missed you when you left," he adds with a sigh, shoving his hands into his pockets. "Did you miss me too?" Seungmin stops in his tracks at the sound of your voice, now watching as you move to stand in front of him.

"Yeah... yeah, I did." He says softly, a bitter smile forming on his lips.

"I'm sorry I left you." You say as you look into his eyes, recognizing the familiarity of his gaze. He still had that same look in his eyes, the ones you grew to love. He holds a tender gaze, warm and welcoming, something that you will never get tired of looking at.

"Why are you apologizing?" He asks, and you shrug. "Because I left so suddenly and quit being a trainee. I barely even had the time to say goodbye." Seungmin huffs at your words, a small smile forming on his lips. "There's nothing you have to apologize for, you know? You didn't do anything wrong." You only shrug at his response, now looking down at your feet as you kick the grown, trying to distract yourself from the fluttering of your own heart.

"Besides," you hear him add before being engulfed in a hug which caught you in surprise. "I'm just really, really glad that you're back." He says as he rests his chin on the top of your head while his arms wrap around you tightly. The smell of his cologne engulfs your senses, which brews a warm feeling inside of you that compelled you to hug him back, completely burying your head in his chest. And as you look up, you catch him already looking down at you, a blush spreading across your cheeks at the close proximity between the two of you.

"I... uh-- I've always liked you for a long time now. I just never had the guts to tell you." Seungmin finally admits as he rocks on his heels. You were at a loss at words from his sudden admission, your eyes wide as saucers as you stare at him in disbelief. "Kim Seungmin, are you fucking with me right now?" You ask him as you pull away from the hug. For a moment, worry flashed across his features, concerned that maybe he had crossed the line.

"I'm sorry, I should have never told you--"

"No, no, no. That's not what I meant." You say as you pull him back before he could even walk away. "Why didn't you tell me earlier?" You ask him again, and now this time, the worry in his features gets replaced by confusion.

"Huh?"

You sigh at his bluntness.

"I like you too, Seungmin. I always had. I just thought that you only saw me as a friend so I didn't want t risk our friendship just like that."

Now it was his turn to look at you in utter disbelief, mouth opening and closing like a fish as he tries to find the right words to say.

"Well... do you still like me now?" He asks, his words careful and a bit weary. You nod at his words, a bright smile plastered on your face as you slowly walk towards him. "Yeah and... I wanna start all over again if that's alright?" Seungmin takes your hands in his as he smiles at your words, his thumbs soothing your skin. "I'd like that too."

"My name is, Y/n. What's yours?" You jokingly say as you part from him, stretching out your hand for a shake. Seungmin chuckles at your childish act, before stretching out his to introduce himself. "Kim Seungmin, at your service." He says as he shakes your hand firmly, before laughing with you at the deal of the situation.

And at the heat of it all, as Seungmin watches the happiness radiate off of your body, he pulls you by the hand, muttering a quick "Come here, you" before placing his lips on yours.

You let out a surprised yelp before fully melting into his hold, your arms automatically wrapping around his neck to hold him closer to you as his hands find their place by your hips.

Everything seems to work in slow motion from that moment on as you hear your own heart hammering against your chest and you close your eyes in bliss, feeling his soft lips against yours as the two of you pour out your feelings into the kiss, each motion pouring out every pent up emotion that you spent years hiding.

And as you pull away, your eyes still closed as the feeling of his lips still linger at your lips, you feel something cold land on the tip of your nose.

"It's snowing," Seungmin says as he looks up at the falling snow while still holding you close to him. You watch as the ice crystals slowly fall to the ground, some now gathering at the top of your heads.

"I guess we have to hurry and buy those drinks, not unless you wanna get stuck in the snow by the time we head back," Seungmin says as he wipes away the melting snow that rests on the strands of your hair.

"Well, if it means getting stuck with you, I don't see why not?"

#kim seungmin #fic rec

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holyyrose · 2 years

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guys i’ve been noticing something a lot and i kind of want to talk about it.

i’m not sure if it’s just the tags or if people really have stopped writing as much but there has been such a decline in fics recently. especially on stayblr.

when i first discovered stayblr i remember almost every day there would be new series, new one shots, new blurbs and drabbles… for all members. it was truly what attracted me to even start this blog—noticing how tight the community was and how eager everyone was in hyping up other people’s work and showing them love and appreciation.

i feel like as an outsider looking in, i never noticed how much of a lack there was in interaction and feedback. a lot of big accounts would get interactions; but after a while i realised it was just other writers trying to hype each other up, with a few anons here and there.

meanwhile the feedback from general readers was very scarce. but that was back then. since then… there has been an even bigger decline in feedback and interactions. which led to so many wonderful writers leaving this app and taking their brilliant work with them. and it honestly breaks my heart a little because the skz tags used to be so alive, yknow? they really were. now they’re practically teetering on the edge of death.

i never understood the importance of reblogs on this app until i properly became a part of the writing community, so i get it. i get that you might feel shy. i get that you might not want fics you read on your blog feed. i get that you might have social media anxiety. and those are all valid issues. they really are. but… there has to be some way you can give back to the community. not even for the writers’ sake, but to keep it alive. because idk if you’ve noticed but the fanfic side of stayblr is slowly dying out.

i know a lot of you leave likes. and gosh, do we appreciate it! genuinely. thank you for the likes. but in the long run likes don’t help as much, besties. i’m so sorry. i wish they did ☹️ i know it would be easier, but they don’t. not just from a tumblr standpoint, but even as writers—we need feedback, so we know what exactly you like and what you don’t.

there are so many things you can do:

if you don’t wanna ruin your blog aesthetic, have a separate blog for reblogging fics/giving feedback

if you can’t reblog, write a comment

if you don’t wanna do that, tumblr literally has an option for you to send anonymous messages. what is there to lose?

if you don’t want other people seeing your feedback, request the writer to not post it. or DM them!

but even then… if you’re feeling anxious about it… find something that works for you. make the person who entertains you feel appreciated. drop a meme, an emoji, anything!

think about it. would you guys treat your faves like this? i get that fanfic writers aren’t as desirable as actual celebrities. i’m not even trying to make that comparison. but your faves provide you entertainment and/or comfort the same way your fav fanfics do. and if you feel like your support drives them to make better content, why can’t that apply to the fic writers too?

i’m not trying to say you have to. you don’t. you really don’t have to. but this is a beautiful community and it’s made so many people feel safe and loved. it’s a safe space for so many of us. and it’s dying out because people are not appreciating it enough.

people who’ve been on stayblr for a long time… you all remember all the amazing fics we used to get almost everyday, don’t you? you ever scroll and try to look for them and then feel sad when you can’t find them? it’s because the accounts who wrote those fics deactivated. if you want good work that gives you comfort, please show the people who give you that comfort some love. we’re human too. we need encouragement too.

there are wonderful writers still on this platform but there’s been a decline in numbers. don’t let it get worse, please. we need you to keep this community running—your support, your feedback, your appreciation—readers are just as valuable to a writing community as the writers. please work with us, not against us.

support your fav writers, besties ❤️🥰

#this !!! <3

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holyyrose · 2 years

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it’s all me in my head - b.c

a/n: i’ve tried posting this twice now, but when i’ve checked it wasn’t showing under any tags. if you’ve seen this already i apologise. this piece of work is also available on my AO3. please continue to like, reblog and share and feedback is always appreciated <3

wc: 1.6K

pairing: bang chan x afab!reader (i use the word girlfriend, however, it can be interchangeable for any other preferred term :D)

summary/tags: idol!au; 9th member au!; secret relationship; angst; fluff! or the reader and chan have been seeing each other behind their teammates backs, however, after witnessing chan flirt with another girl, the reader questions the legitimacy of their relationship.

It’s not like you were upset. After all, no one knew you were a couple. You weren’t supposed to be dating anyone, let alone your leader. Instead, you were sneaking around, behind your teammate’s backs, ensuring they wouldn’t find out about your late-night rendezvous. Sneaking out of the dorm, with hushed whispers and muted laughter during the early hours, just so you can share a moment alone. He was the leader, after all, so he was supposed to know better than fraternising with someone he worked and lived with. But after many late-night talks and longing glances, it was inevitable that you would find your way to each other, and no one suspected a thing.

So, watching Chan shamelessly flirt backstage with the leader of JYP’s new girl group, you weren’t supposed to be upset, your skin wasn’t supposed to be burning, and your heart wasn’t supposed to be aching as it did. You didn’t blame the girl for blushing or inching closer to his touch. Her teammates were amused by their interaction. Chan’s charm had that effect, and people dreamt of having his earnest, undivided attention. His head was thrown back with laughter and his eyes glimmered as he continued to compliment the girl. His fingers trailed against the edge of the hair, almost like he was teasing her. He continued to compliment her style, the way she was able to lead her group and flow through the music with such ease and such beauty.

He’s just being nice.

You tried to rationalise, but your skin continued to heat as you watched their interaction, making you reconsider.

“I think Channie’s got a crush.” Jeongin mused from beside you, his smile growing wide.

“You think?” You questioned, your voice wavering slightly as you turned to meet Jeongin.

“Definitely!” He quipped, “I’ve never seen Chan so playful.”

Swallowing thickly, you nodded in agreement; “I suppose you’re right.”

Thinking about it, you had never seen Chan like this. So bold and brazen. With you he was different. He was gentle and sweet; it made you think that something was off between you both. A seed of insecurity was blooming inside you. Now, analysing your interactions over the past few days, perhaps Chan did seem different, distant. Were his glances shorter? Was his touch more rigid?

“You ok, Y/N/N?” Jeongin frowned, placing his hand on your shoulder almost like he was trying to steady you.

Smiling weakly, you nodded. “Of course, Jeongin, I’ve never felt better.”

“Don’t worry Y/N/N, I’m sure if Channie gets a girlfriend, you’ll still be his favourite.”

You hardly had the chance to respond before staff members hurriedly began filling the enclosed area, alerting the girls’ that it was time to head back to their dressing rooms. Chan embraced the leader one last time, his touch lingering longer than you had hoped, before waving goodbye.

You were grateful that Stray Kids had performed earlier on in the day, uncertain that you’d have been able to compose yourself in time. You hadn’t expected to be so thrown off by Chan’s interaction. Today was supposed to be perfect; it was your first performance after your momentary hiatus – a brief safety concern after you were mobbed at a grocery store - and everything was running smoothly until you watched Chan interact with the younger girl.

He’d reassured you a few days prior that things would run smoothly, and he seemed so concerned while he was pressing soft kisses across your face. He knew how anxious you could get, especially when you hadn’t performed in a while.

You couldn’t shake your anxiety as you stepped through the doors of your dorm. You could hear the boys laughing behind you, but everything felt spaced out and echoey. You could hardly hold Chan’s gaze on the journey home, scared that if he looked at you long enough he would see right through you and you would unravel before him. You felt pathetic, feeling like this, almost like a child. But you couldn’t stop your mind from reeling endlessly with stupid thoughts that concluded that your relationship meant nothing to him. That you meant nothing to him.

That terrified you the most because you’d never let yourself be so vulnerable.

A hand grasped your shoulder, the weight of it snapping you out of your trance. The touch sent volts of electricity through you. It could only be one person. You wanted nothing more than to lean into his warmth and be comforted by his soft embrace; but you couldn’t, not while carrying this burden that made you feel so inadequate.

“Y/N/N,” he began. “Are you coming in?” A look of concern flashed across his face, making him appear much softer in comparison to his dark exterior.

You hadn’t realized that the entryway was empty; the rest of the boys had disappeared into the comfort of their bedroom, exhausted. A luxury you didn’t have right now. You wanted nothing more than to hide away, but you couldn’t, not from Chan.

Wordlessly, you let him guide you away from the door, but as soon as he stilled, you stepped back abruptly, almost like his touch now burned. Chan frowned at this, suddenly alarmed by your movements.

“Is everything ok, my love?” He questioned softly.

“Please don’t call me that,” you whispered, struggling to meet his gaze. A wave of embarrassment consumed you, how could he use those words so carelessly, especially when it was clear you meant nothing to him?

“Did I do something wrong?”

Scoffing, you turned away from him. You couldn’t believe how oblivious he was.

Somehow this hurts more.

You could feel his gaze on you as you made your way into the kitchen, mindlessly filling up a glass of water, hoping the cool water would ground you.

“Why are you being so weird?” He pressed, his demeanour changing completely. Frustration was evident in his voice as he followed you into the kitchen. You froze momentarily, feeling the heat of his words. Your fingers tensed around your glass, flexing slightly with each anxious breath.

“Do I mean anything to you?” You started, your voice wavering with every syllable.

Chan paused at your words, furrowing his brows in confusion. “I don’t understand, of course, you mean something-"

“Because you’ve never actually said if I was your girlfriend,” Your voice began to raise a few octaves, as you placed the glass down. You were fully facing him now, your breath visibly uneven.

Eyes widening, Chan stepped forward, clamping his hand around your mouth to hush you.

“Shit!” He swallowed thickly. “We can’t… You know that.” He exasperated, his gaze trailing from the hallway that led to the bedrooms and then back to you.

He didn’t want any of the guys to hear you.

Pushing him away, you continued much quieter,

“This is exactly what I mean. You don’t actually care about me. You won’t even call this,” You gestured between you both. “What it is.”

“I don’t get where this is coming from. You’ve never been bothered before.” Chan replied sternly.

“Well, maybe I’m upset that you’re happy to fuck me, but then flirt with someone else.”

A tense pause fell between you both. You were exhausted at this point.

“Y/N/N…” He trailed.

You could feel your eyes tearing up now, all the anxiety and frustration finally bubbling to the surface.

“I know we’re not supposed to be together. I’m not asking you to tell the whole world about us, but I thought you cared about me and respected me enough not to flirt with anyone else.”

Depleted, you finally whispered, “But I guess not.”

An abundance of emotions flashed across Chan’s face as your words slowly sank in. Tentatively, he stepped closer to you.

“Of course, I care about you,” he coaxed.

“I wasn’t trying to flirt with her.”

He raised his right hand and brushed away your tears. You hated how his touch still managed to soothe you even when you were upset with him.

“I’ve known Sena for a long time; we used to practice together. Today was the first time I’ve seen her in months, but I can see how it looked from your perspective, and for that I am sorry.” His thumb trailed across your face and moved to caress your cheek.

“I do care about you, sweetheart.” His other hand moved to clasp yours, squeezing it with reassurance. “You deserve way better than this and I wish we didn’t have to sneak around, but if anyone found out we would be in so much trouble.”

You let out a small cry of relief at his words, understanding fully what he meant. You’d be risking your careers if anyone found out you were seeing each other. The controversy it would cause would jeopardize the band’s credibility and you had no idea how your fans would react.

“I know, but when I saw you with her, I got so scared because you seemed so different. You looked so happy and so confident and I was afraid you would realize I couldn't make you feel like that.”

Chan let out a laugh at this, tears gleaming at the edge of his eyes with amusement.

“Y/N/N I feel so much more when I’m with you. I don’t know what I’d do without you. I love you so much and I’m sorry that I made you feel otherwise.”

Leaning forward, he pressed his forehead against yours.

“You love me?” You gasped, shocked by his declaration.

“More than anything.” He smiled, squeezing your hand once more before finally closing the gap between you both.

His lips were soft, just as they always were. You practically melted into him.

“We’ll get through this, I promise.”

#stray kids #bang chan #stray kids x reader #bang chan x reader #stray kids angst #stray kids scenarios #bang chan angst #stray kids 9th member au #christopher bang #stray kids fanfiction #skz #kpop

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holyyrose · 2 years

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Let Your Silence Grow (c.h)

Pairing: Calum Hood x Fem! Reader

Summary: After a one sided confrontation, Calum has to face your silent treatment

Warnings: Angst. Calum is an asshole. Language. Mentions of alcohol. Some grammatical errors (English is not my first language I’m sorry)

Word count: 7.7K

Author’s Note: This lil piece comes a bit late for @hoodhoran ‘s birthday and a bit early for Calum’s but what a way to start the Aquarius season! Remember that Reblogs, Feedback, Comments and likes are very important and they help a lot, also yelling at me is allowed ❤️ Hope you like it and Happy Reading 🦋✨🌻

My materialist // taglist on the bio!

To be fair, he was tired. He was so tired and the week was not even close to being over. Everything was going wrong; some samples of the new songs got lost; the release date for the new single kept getting pushed back; the tour management had to cancel a few performances for scheduling conflicts that they created; and, as the straw that broke the camel's back, he hasn’t eaten for almost a day trying to figure this whole thing out before it ends up killing them, and he was starving.

“Okay, let’s go over it one more time…” Luke sighed, running a hand through his hair as he stared at the notebook on his table.

“We went over it five fucking times!” Calum groaned, wanting nothing more than to shut down the computer and go to sleep. But these meetings were mandatory, and no one was happy about it.

It was bad enough that they were forced to fix things that were out of their reach, but given that the four members of the band were scattered across the country, they had to do it over Zoom again and there was nothing Calum hated more, using that app only reminded him about the times where that was the only thing keeping him sane by communicating him with his loved ones.

Now, Ashton was somewhere hiding in the mountains, Michael was at a vineyard on vacation and, even though Luke stayed in LA as well as Calum, his throat was starting to hurt, so he opted to stay at home.

“This is ridiculous…” Calum muttered under his breath, not shying his frustration from his bandmates, and of course, not from you.

You were standing in the kitchen with a worried glance across your face, drumming your fingers upon the marbled countertop as you debated on whether or not to enter the office and offer Calum some sort of comfort.

The loud voices and frustrated groans could be heard all over the house, not to mention how talking to Cal lately meant walking over eggshells from how stressed he was. You haven’t seen him smile in so long, you were starting to worry you might forget how it looked.

With a sigh, you tried to keep yourself busy, make all of the chores all over again so you don’t have to focus on the raging, horrible mood that Calum has set over the house. You know it wasn’t his fault, but he was also not doing anything for it to change, and you were getting tired of tiptoeing around his mood all day long just for him to sulk and complain without telling you how he really feels or even acknowledges you’re there. You wish you could help him just a little bit, show him that he’s not alone in this; but the more he pushes you away, the more you think he doesn’t want you there.

It was hard enough as it is to have a conversation with him these past few days, let alone a kiss or a sweet pet name or a soft touch… And yes, that might be your neediness talking but shit, you miss your boyfriend. And, somehow, you wish he missed you as well.

An hour had passed and Calum had not come out of his office yet, the muffled voices of the conversation still rang through the house, and even though you couldn’t understand what they were saying, it was obvious they were having another argument.

“Okay, that’s enough” You muttered under your breath. You couldn’t take it anymore, all this pent-up energy that had no positive outcomes was becoming too much and you couldn’t just sit and watch without trying to at least make it better for him.

You knew he was stressed, you knew he needed a break even though he won’t take one no matter how much you could insist, but that doesn’t mean you will just let his bad humor get to him forever. Maybe all he needed was something that could make him smile, at least for a while; let him know that you were there for him and that he needn’t take this toll on his own anymore.

A simple recipe of macadamia nuts and white chocolate chips cookies will do, after all, you had all the ingredients and you knew they were Calum’s favorites. He hasn’t eaten all day, so this seemed like the best option to get on his good side.

Still, that small pit of anxiety thundered inside your chest as you started baking. You knew you were deflecting as well, always finding baking as some sort of escape from reality when things were starting to go sour, hoping to gain some feeling of control over things that fled from your power, much like Calum’s predicaments.

The walls he put up were not his fault, and all you could do was sit outside hoping and waiting for him to open them up and let you in again. He didn’t notice you waiting like a soldier outside of the Trojan walls, all he could think about was the war inside of his head, thinking of himself like Achilles and forgetting his fatal flaw. And, like Patroclus, you could only take so much as he came back after the battle, wounded and regretful, but pretending nothing had happened even though you had front row seats to his downfall.

They say when two people love each other, two hearts become one and the love they have feels limitless. No one mentioned that the pain could feel the same, especially when one feels powerless before it.

No, not entirely powerless. You have those cookies, and while it’s not a solution and it might not make everything better in an instant, it could help. All you want to do is help.

You start to carefully plate the cookies so you could present them to him, almost as if it were an offer to the King, and even though that thought made you feel silly and even chuckle a bit, you felt proud of how good they looked; made with love and care for him, for the two of you. And to let him know you’ll always be there.

With a wide smile and a heart filled with love, you started making your way toward the office, walking carefully so you wouldn’t mess up the plating or, god forbid, trip and let the cookies fall.

The muffled voices could still be heard from the other side of the door, and in order not to disturb too much, you decided it would be best if you just knocked softly enough only for Calum to hear. After all, if it wasn’t a good time, you know he would let you know.

You balanced yourself on your heels and smiled as you knocked for a second time, fearing that he might’ve not heard the first time, still, not loud enough for everyone to hear, and if he didn’t get it now then you’ll just turn around and wait for the meeting to be over.

But that smile you wore suddenly wiped itself away from your face as you heard a loud “For fuck’s sake!” coming from the room accompanied by the sound of the small wheels attached to the chair sliding across the floor. You were too slow to move.

In a matter of seconds, Calum opened the door, eyes filled with anger fixed on your face as it fell completely bearing witness to a stranger’s face. Because you knew that the person in front of you wasn’t your Calum. No, your Calum would never make you feel scared with just one look.

“What do you want?” He half-whispered, half-shouted. Not a glance spared to the plate you were holding in your hands.

The coldness of his voice made you flinch, not expecting that reaction at all as you tried to compose yourself enough to answer.

“I- I-” You stuttered, and he wasn’t having it.

“Jesus fucking christ!” Calum wiped a hand across his face, letting the anger take over “Fucking stop with your stuttering if you’re not going to say something important! Fuck, that’s all you’re going to say especially after all the fucking noise you were making!”

Were you making noise? Shit, you didn’t even know. But at the same time, you didn’t even have time to think about it as Calum’s voice kept getting louder and louder and even more impatient.

“All you fucking do is get in my way while I’m doing something important. So for once have a little respect and just shut up! Jesus, I shouldn’t even have to tell you this! It’s fucking common sense!”

You felt his eyes on you, hard and sharp like a dagger cutting through you. He stood tall, a frown everlasting on his face and suddenly you felt like a child, so small and defenseless as you looked at your feet while swallowing the knot inside your throat.

“Well?!” He yelled, rolling his eyes “You know what? Forget it! I’m in the middle of something and it’ll be great if you could just shut up for a minute and leave me alone! I’m having enough trouble as it is for you to keep bothering me…” The last sentence sounded as if he were the one who was hurting right now, but you knew damn well that he was choosing to ignore the tears that were started to gather in your eyes “Just- Go somewhere else and let me be for just one fucking day!”

You heard the slam of the door before you felt it, the small breeze it created serving as the cue for your eyes to give up the fight and let the tears roll silently down your cheeks. Your feet were still glued to the floor, knees shaking as you tried to hold on to the plate with cookies that he never even bothered to look at.

A sob threatened to escape your lips, but you bite down on it, afraid to even make the smallest noise that could make him yell at you again. It was the first time he raised his voice, and you would make it your mission to make it the last. You’ll forfeit the fight you were never meant to fight to begin with. If that’s what he wants, that’s what he’ll get. You were not going to be a bother anymore.

He didn’t mean to slam the door as hard as he did, but he was still so angry to even care about it at this moment. He knows you know he didn’t mean it, he was just stressed, you would understand. But now there wasn’t time to let those feelings in, not when they were still arguing about writing sessions and release dates. There were more important topics on the table than to open the can of worms he just created between the two of you.

Calum let out a long sigh as he took a deep breath while looking at the ceiling, hoping to calm down enough to go back to the video call and not start yelling at his bandmates again. But once he sat down again and saw the horrified faces of his friends, he realized…

“Shit,” He muttered, “I thought I muted myself”

“And that’s supposed to make it better?!” Michael asked, a shocked expression across his face.

Ashton didn’t even look at him as he bit the inside of his cheek, clearly holding back as he asked “What the fuck was that?”

“Nothing,” Calum grumbled.

“Didn’t sound like nothing”

“Do you always yell at her like that?!”

Calum wasn’t yelling, was he? No, he would never, not at you. He raised his voice, but he wasn’t- he didn’t… He couldn’t have.

“I didn’t mean it…” He excused himself, hating the fact that he sounded like a child that just got scolded. But he’d never seen Ashton so disappointed.

“Does Y/N know that?”

You have to, for sure you will know that he didn’t mean it. He just… wait, what did he say to you? Why couldn’t he remember it? He was so blinded by the anger and stress, so caught up he didn’t realize the words that were coming out of his mouth. But judging by the eyes of his friends, it couldn’t have been something good.

“I- I’ll talk to Y/N later,” He sighed, not even looking at them “Right now we have to figure out when Luke’s finally going to be available for- Luke? We said no phones!-”

“What? You’re going to tell me to shut up and leave as you did to her?” He said, cold as ice as he kept texting. Calum just sank more into his seat “I’m texting Sierra to check on Y/N, something you should be doing, actually”

Calum rolled his eyes “Good thing is not any of your business-”

“You made it our business after yelling at her in front of us” Luke interrupted, looking more serious as ever, the other guys matching that expression “If you’re that fucking stressed then you take it out on us or yourself but we keep our partners out of it”

“Shit, okay!” Calum raised his arms defeatedly as he got up from his seat “I’ll go apologize, jesus”

He closed the door of the office after hearing Michael mutter “I’ll be surprised if she even takes it”

The silence was something that took him by surprise the moment he stepped foot on the hall. He doesn’t know if it’s the guilt that’s making it so unsettling, he just knows he doesn’t like it.

With a sigh, he started to walk around the house, looking for you in every corner and calling your name. Your keys were still on the table and your bag was on the couch next to a very sound sleeping Duke, he knows you’re still in the house but he also knows you’re hiding from him.

The feeling of remorse kept creeping inside of him, swallowing him whole with every step he made where he didn’t find you. It was easy to pretend to have it all under control with his friends, but the longer it took for him to look for you, the longer he was starting to lose it completely.

Finally, he opened the door to your room, calling your name with a hidden urgency. The sound of the shower made him let out a breath of relief. You didn’t leave, you were still here.

“Y/N!” He called, walking over to the bathroom with a newfound hope as he knocked on the door “Babe!”

But you couldn’t hear him, or at least that’s what he thought since you didn’t answer. And, for some sick reason, Calum felt glad. He wasn’t ready to apologize yet, not because he didn’t feel sorry for what he did, but because he didn’t know what to say to make it better. He knows you deserve a good apology, not just a regurgitation of words that resemble a “sorry” The two of you need a bit of space before you could talk again, and he feels like the bathroom is not the best place to do it anyways.

So he sighed and started to walk away, feeling how his heart begged him to stay with every painful beat, knowing you could talk about it later. He knows you know. What he didn’t know was how inside the bathroom you were standing under the stream of the shower, crying silently until every intake of breath hurt like a knife across your chest.

Calum went back down, making his way to the office when he felt the dryness of his throat. He made a detour to the kitchen for a glass of water, and that’s when he noticed them.

“Fuck,” He muttered under his breath.

The cookies were still perfectly placed over the plate, with a dash of cinnamon and next to an untouched cup of coffee that you must’ve forgotten. Was this the reason you knocked on his door? Because you made his favorite cookies, knowing he didn’t have time to eat and… Shit, now he felt like a proper asshole.

He almost wished they were bad, a small reason that could lighten the guilt he felt. But no, of course the cookies were perfect. He couldn’t help but moan at the first bite, being able to taste the love and care and just… just how much of an asshole he was, now he was sure of it.

His eyes darted towards the stairs, wondering if you were already out of the shower and if maybe he should go and try again, apologize properly and let you know how much he appreciated what you did for him. But, at the same time, he wondered if you would even want to see him right now.

With a shake of his head, he decided to go back into the meeting, thinking it’ll be best to just give you both time to cool down at least for now, he will apologize later. He took a couple of cookies and went back into the office.

“So?”

“Shower” Was all he said, not missing the way his friends shook their heads with disappointment “What?”

“Nothing,” Michael answered with a sigh, looking curiously through the screen “What are those?”

Calum furrowed his eyebrows at the question until he remembered the cookies, shame lacing his next words “Oh, yeah. Um, Y/N made them”

Luke visibly cringed “Dude, you better fix this”

The meeting lasted for a couple more hours, but Calum couldn’t seem to focus or even pretend to care anymore. His thoughts were filled with you, remembering the way your eyes filled with tears and how you would look at the ground, almost as if you were scared of him. Every second that passed became another memory filled with guilt. He’s never yelled at you like that, you didn’t deserve it, and he promised himself never to do it again. Yet, he knows he should promise that to you, not to the image of you inside of his head.

It was near 9 PM when he turned off his laptop and went looking for you again. You were laying in bed, the dark room almost swallowing you whole if it weren’t for the light of the hall where Calum stood, looking at you with the uttermost regret.

It was still early for bed, you knew that, but all the crying took every single ounce of energy that you had left, and when Calum opened the door, well…

“Y/N?” He asked in a small voice, still standing at the door. You could feel his hesitation “Y/N, baby, I-”

He started his sentence, but what could he say? Would his apology even count if you were sleeping?

You kept your eyes closed, fighting with the tears you thought you'd shed already, waiting to see what he had to say. But he just sighed, and the next thing you heard was him fumbling with his clothes until you felt the other side of the bed dip under his weight. You didn’t dare to turn around, to open your eyes. You didn’t dare to make it easy for him just yet.

Calum laid next to you, looking at your back as if it were a wall that you were starting to build around him. He tried to come closer, but you felt so far away and you didn’t even move. He prompted himself on his elbow, caressing his fingers over your hair as a million words got stuck inside his throat.

“I love you,” He whispered with a sadness lingering in his voice, and it took everything from you not to say it back immediately. You didn’t want to answer to a lie, and even when he leaned to place a small kiss on your forehead, you doubted its meaning.

That night you slept a million miles apart, even when you were an arm’s length.

The next morning you woke up early, or at least earlier than normal, and for a moment you forgot everything that happened yesterday. For a moment you could pretend everything was fine and that your relationship wasn’t balancing on breaking branches. But reality hit once you turned around and found the other side of the bed empty, just like the past few days. And, once again, you were on the tightrope again.

Calum’s words still rang inside your head, feeling humiliated at the thought that not only did he yell at you, but he did it in front of his bandmates. He’s never done that before, and yes, he was under a lot of stress lately, but that still didn’t give him the right to do so when all you wanted to do was cheer him up a little bit and you’ve never even got the chance to.

Now, your heart was debating with your pride. You love Calum, more than anything, you love him. But this kind of hurt… you didn’t know if it was something you could fix. You needed time, not only to cure your wounded heart but also to decide where to go next. If this is how it would always be with him, how much could you allow yourself to take?

The sound of something hard hitting the ground followed by a train of cussed words reverberated through the house, making you jump out of bed and hurry down the stairs in a matter of seconds.

There stood a half-naked Calum with a frying pan in one hand and the lid of a pot in the other, surrounded by a mess of cookware scattered around the floor that he might’ve dropped by accident.

You stayed where you were and didn’t say anything, even when Calum’s eyes found you in the middle of the kitchen, an apologetic look crossing his features.

“Y/N, I-“ He started, his cheeks blushing a little bit as his eyes avoided your gaze “I wanted to grab the pan but it was so far away I couldn’t reach it, and- I swear nothing broke!” He started to panic when he noticed you weren’t saying anything “I just- I wanted to make breakfast for you, I’m sorry I’m such a clutz”

He gave you a soft, shy smile, the kind that makes his dimples pop and that has your heart thundering along with a thousand butterflies on your stomach. And while that feeling is still there, there was a pain that came with it when you remembered how long it has been since you’ve seen him smile like that.

Calum’s heart, however, started beating anxiously when he noticed you didn’t smile back when you didn’t say anything at all.

“I, um, I was hoping we could talk?” He said, never feeling this nervous before “I wanted to talk with you about yesterday. More like, apologize for what happened”

You pressed your lips in a thin line and nodded without meeting his eyes, and when he offered you a seat at the kitchen island you didn’t move. You wanted to hear what he had to say, but you still wanted to tread lightly around him. Calum seemed to understand the message, and you could’ve sworn you saw a glimpse of hurt in his eyes.

“Y/N, yesterday I…” He started with a deep breath “I was out of line and I’m sorry. I was under a lot of stress and I took it out on you and that wasn’t fair to you, it should’ve never happened and I swear there will never be a next time. I was an idiot and an asshole and I promise you, baby, that none of the words I said reflect my feelings towards you. I’m really so fucking sorry, love”

His eyes were honest, they always were. But you couldn’t help but feel like there was something of truth in his words yesterday, even when he said there wasn’t.

Calum took your silence as a cue to continue, stepping closer to you as he said:

“I love you,” no hint of hesitation in his words “I love you so much and I’m sorry I hurt you. And I know you might not-“

“Okay,”

“Forgive- okay?”

“Okay.” You said again, almost as quiet as the silence itself “It’s okay, I forgive you”

“Babe, it’s not okay” Calum tried to clarify “It’s really not, I shouldn’t have-“

“But you did” You deadpanned and your tone hit Calum like a truck “And you’ve apologized and I forgive you”

In all honesty, Calum was not expecting it to be that easy. He was ready to fight with teeth and claws for your forgiveness, truly aware of his mistake and more than willing to fix it. But you just forgive him like that? No lecture, no talks about your feelings? He could say he feels relief, but in reality, he’s worried.

“If you’re sure-“

“Why wouldn’t I be?” And that’s the first time you look at him in the eyes, but for some reason, he can’t find you there.

Calum couldn’t find a reason that didn’t sound crazy. Why would he want to fight this? Why did you let it go so easily? It wasn’t like you, but at the same time…

“Okay,” He heard himself say, taking a step closer to you to wrap his arms around you and kiss you. But as he leaned over, you moved away; walking straight towards the coffee maker and starting to make your drink.

Calum stood there in shock, not really knowing what to make of that so he just cleared his throat and pretended it never happened as he leaned over the island.

“I was planning on making you coffee today before you woke up,” He said, his voice still lingering with a mix of guilt and hope as you turned your back to him. He had to talk over the machine noise, hoping you could still hear him “I- well, the guys and I decided that we need to have a few days off since the stress was getting all over us” He explained, playing with his hands nervously, almost like the first time he asked you out “I was hoping we could spend the day together, you know? Maybe watch a movie and cook lunch, go to Target or go on a walk like the old times?”

You still had your back turned to him, not giving him a proper answer as he grew more and more worried.

“Or we could just stay at home and do nothing if that’s what you want”

His voice grew quiet on that last sentence, looking down at his feet as he felt like an idiot for even suggesting something like that. But he was running out of options, he wanted to make sure that everything was, in fact, okay between the two of you. Still, the only thing that lingered on was the sound of the machine until it was finally done.

You turned around with your coffee in hand, looking in his direction but not directly at him as you spoke.

“I’m sorry, Cal. I’m actually going out with Sierra today”

Any other day you would’ve changed your plans with Sierra; any other day you would’ve dropped anything to spend a day with Calum doing the things you love most. But not today, not when his words were still fresh in your mind and your heart, not when he asked you to shut up and stop bothering him for at least a day.

“Oh, right” Calum felt like a propper fool, trying to keep the smile on his face “Have fun, then”

An awkward silence fell upon the two of you before you said “Okay, I’ll get going then. Will you be okay here by yourself?”

“Yeah, yeah!” He tried to seem more cheerful, not wanting you to feel bad about him “I’ll just… start cleaning! Haven’t done that in a while, it’ll be cathartic” And he almost felt proud of the small smile that almost drew on your lips.

You turned to leave when you heard him say:

“I love you!”

He should’ve done something when he didn’t hear you say it back.

A week has passed since the incident and everything’s been pretty normal. You wake up at the same time, you eat your meals, do your work and then go back to bed. The only difference is you don’t talk as much as you used to.

It was a conscious thing at first, knowing that Calum needed to concentrate on his things and not wanting to bother him so you wouldn’t get yelled at again. You started to give him the space he asked for, getting out of his way and not talking unless directly spoken to, and whenever he did, you limit yourself to simple answers that would satisfy you both like “Yeah, sounds good” or “Not today, I’m sorry” He never asked beyond that and you thought that was what he wanted, so you unconsciously adopted that as the week went on.

Calum, on the other hand, was losing it whenever you wouldn’t look his way or you wouldn’t even let him touch you. You would wake up next to him and go spend the day away; never sharing a space for more than a few minutes before you moved to another area; you would go to bed at the same time but you didn’t cuddle anymore, never kissed him back whenever he did and pulling away whenever his fingers such as graced your skin, almost as if he were poisonous or something.

It was driving him absolutely mad and he didn’t know what to do. He thought you had forgiven him; you said you forgave him! So why does this feel like torture? Was this on purpose? Sometimes he felt as if the North Pole was warmer than your shoulder as if he was the worst criminal on death row and you were the judge prolonging the sentence until he begged and cried for mercy.

How crazy it seemed that his life turned upside down without you there even if you were just a few meters apart? He was barely functioning as it is, but not having you, not being able to cuddle with you or even kiss you goodnight, it was taking a harder toll on him than anyone could have expected. Even his friends noticed how out of it he was, they have never seen him that distracted or even that sad; he barely ate or slept a good eight hours, he didn’t keep track of the days and all he could do was hope that the next day the situation could be different. It was almost as if the two of you broke up when in reality it was much more complicated than that.

Outside of the relationship you seemed normal. You would hang out with your friends and talk to them daily; you would read your books and listen to your music. But you didn’t share it with him anymore. You stopped asking questions; stopped sharing what you were listening to with him; stopped talking about this new book, show, or movie, or even the latest gossip you heard. You act as if he were a stranger and he can’t handle it, he didn’t know how to handle it.

Today was different, though.

It started to rain before he even got home. Having spent the day at the studio after some days off, he and the guys were much more active and energized to create. Still, all he wanted to do since he left home was come back to it, try and convince you to spend the day with him, and forget about whatever other activity you had planned to avoid him.

But when he finally opened the front door, only Duke’s little paws came to greet him. He got used to the silence, but that didn’t mean he liked it. In fact, he hated how loud it sounded when you were the one creating it. But this silence felt weird, different than the others. Because even though you wouldn’t speak to him, at least he knew you were somewhere in the house. You were still there.

Calum tried to shrug that feeling off, telling himself that you might just be out getting some groceries, thinking that you’ll come back and he would tell you to get ready so you could go out for dinner and maybe even a movie if you were up for it. He was trying to make it right between the two of you again, whatever and however long it took.

He walked over to the kitchen to make himself some tea, and that’s when he saw it: up on the counter, a small piece of paper with your handwriting on it:

“I’m staying at Sierra’s”

That’s it? You were gone just like that? No other explanation?

The ground seemed to sink under his feet as a dreadful feeling filled his chest, closing it and making it hurt with every breath he took. The memory of your actions this past week flooded his mind in a rush, cursing at every sign he willingly turned his eyes from.

You were leaving him.

The world happened around you, and you watched as if it were a movie; not really participating or engaging, but taking note as everything moved in slow motion. That’s how it felt sitting on the couch, a glass of wine in your hands as your friends laugh along with one of the many stories shared on girls’ night.

It wasn’t their fault you were so out of touch, lately, your mind was just elsewhere most of the time. Or rather, your mind was with someone most of the time, even if that someone didn’t want you there.

“Hey, are you okay?” Sierra asked, sitting next to you and pulling you out of your head.

“Hmm? Oh, yeah” You smiled, fooling no one.

“Have you talked to him?”

A sigh escaped your lips as you shook your head, it was more complicated than that.

It’s not like you didn’t want to talk to him, you just didn’t know how. After that night you started to second guess every word before it came out of your mouth, wondering what would be too much or if it’s really worth saying it out loud if he didn’t want to hear it in the first place. You didn’t want to give him another reason to yell.

And it’s not like he’s been trying either. Every question that came out of him, every suggestion, and every touch seemed forced. You could tell he was awkward even though he apologized, but it seemed those words weren’t true and you were still somehow bothering him.

Calum was never a man of many words, but he wasn’t one to yell either. That day something seemed to snap in him and it was impossible to see him or yourself in a different light. It wasn’t fair to either of you.

“Am I pushing it?” You asked, “If I feel he doesn’t want me there anymore, is me staying making it worse?”

“Oh, baby” Sierra cooed “Of course Calum wants you there, he loves you!”

And you love Calum, with all of your heart, you love him. But you also love yourself.

“Then why do I feel like he’d be better if I just disappear?”

But just as she was about to answer, the doorbell started ringing like crazy. All of your friends kept quiet, looking around as if to make sure all of you were there and no one was missing.

Sierra got up to try and see who it was, but Luke beat her to it, having appeared from the kitchen and practically running toward the door where he started to have a conversation with whoever was standing on the other side.

You carefully turned to your friend, asking her silently if she knew what was going on, but her face read the same as you as the muffled words became louder.

“Just let me see her!”

Instantly, your body froze at the sound of that too familiar voice as he stepped into the room. Your eyes widened at the sight of Calum, completely drenched from head to toe, eyes watery and hurt as he held on to a little piece of paper in his hand.

“Y/N!” He breathed once he saw you in the midst of your friend group, voice as desperate as his eyes, almost breaking down “Can- can we talk? Please,”

Luke stood behind him, shooting you an apologetic look, and out of the corner of your eye you could see how your friends were starting to move to another room, giving you all the space and privacy you needed

It must’ve been a couple of minutes between his arrival and until the two of you were completely alone. But for Calum, it felt like an eternity as he searched for your eyes and found nothing but shock in them.

Once the room was cleared out, you asked:

“What are you doing here?”

“I- I came to talk,” Calum answered, sheepishly.

“Why are you wet?”

He looked down and for the first time noticed his drenched clothes and the small puddle he was making on the carpet as the droplets of water kept falling from his hair.

“I ran. I thought it would be faster than-”

“Why?”

Your voice had no hint of malice nor annoyance. It was curious, surprised even that he ran all the way here even though it was less than a ten-minute drive. Calum noticed it, too, seeing in your eyes the question he could only answer with the words he feared the most but he knew he couldn’t avoid, at least, not anymore.

He looked at the paper in his hand, most of the writing already gone as it crumbled due to the rain. His heart was beating loudly, but he needed to know.

“Are you leaving me?”

And maybe it was the breaking in his voice, or how small it sounded when he said it out loud. Maybe it was the way he would look at his feet, scared to meet your eyes and find the answer he dreaded the most. But something in that phrase told you almost everything he didn’t say this past week.

“What?” You couldn’t help but ask, matching his soft voice as you failed to hide your own sadness.

“You- you said you were staying at Sierra’s” He explained, “I thought… I thought that was your way of telling me we were over”

A sigh escaped your lips as you looked down “I thought you’d think higher of me than just leaving a simple note”

Calum raised his head, shoulders falling in defeat “And what was I supposed to think, Y/N?” The tiredness in his voice became apparent, almost as if he was giving up “You’re ignoring me ever since-”

“I’m not ignoring you,”

“Bullshit!” He almost laughed, he could laugh. This whole situation was getting off the rails “You barely talk to me, you won’t let me touch you. Y/N it’s been weeks since we had sex or did anything together! When was the last time you let me hold your hand? I can’t even remember the last conversation we had cause all you do is avoid me! Fuck, you can’t even look me in the eyes right now”

You wrapped your arms around yourself, holding yourself tight as you looked back at him and you almost wished you didn’t.

Calum’s eyes were open wide, watery with unshed tears as he struggled to find the right words. The words that would make you listen, maybe even talk to him. But you were so far away that he’s scared he might get lost in translation.

“I understand that I fucked up,” He said, taking a step closer to you but still keeping his distance “I understand that I hurt you and I swear there’s nothing I regret more than what I said that night, it haunts me every day and I know I can’t take them back but please, stop pretending”

You blinked at him “Pretend what?”

“That you’ve forgiven me”

“Calum,” You sighed “I-”

“I know you said you did, but you haven’t. Not really” He saw the way your eyes filled with tears almost instantly, not a word to correct him “And I understand why I’m not saying this to blame you for anything. I just… I just want you to talk to me.

Y/N, this past week has been nothing but torture” Calum admitted “I didn’t realize how much I needed you. When I’m home it doesn’t feel like it, not when you’re not there to greet me or to ask me about my day or just being there… I miss your voice and I miss your jokes, your makeshift songs, and your laugh. I miss when you’d kiss me out of nowhere or when you play with my hair after a long day of work, even when I’ve been nothing but an asshole to you. I didn’t deserve any of that, I didn’t deserve for you to care but, fuck, Y/N what can I do for you to forgive me?

If you want me to beg, I’ll do it. I’ll crawl on my knees and cry if that’s what you ask. I can’t function without you, I can’t breathe or be normal again if I don’t have you in my life and I’m so fucking sorry I took that for granted. Truth is, I need you. If I’m being honest I realized that I need you more than you need me and that’s so fucking scary, I…”

Calum pressed his lips together, looking away as he tried not to cry even though your eyes were already letting the tears fall silently.

“I got so scared when I found that note today,” He said with a breaking voice “Because I knew why you would leave, I understood and- And I hated myself for it. I hated myself because I knew I did nothing to try and make it right, to try and make you stay. I thought I lost the love of my life-”

“You didn’t,” You were quick to answer the moment it seemed like he was about to cry “Not yet, no” You sniffled, trying to compose yourself enough to know what to say “I thought you didn’t want me anymore…”

Calum snapped his head “What? Baby,” He took a step closer “Baby, no. I would never-”

“But you said it!” You cried, “That night, you said I was always bothering you and you wanted me to leave. And I thought that if I stayed out of your business that you’d want me again, that you could still want me. I thought that was what you wanted”

“Fuck, Y/N, no!” Calum shook his head, taking another step closer so that you would be face to face, raising a hand to cup your cheek so he could look into your teary eyes “I love you,”

“Then why didn’t I feel it?” You whispered “Why- Where was this love when you yelled at me? I was so humiliated, Cal” His face fell with shame “And I was so mad, not just because you yelled, but because it seemed so easy for you to do it that I believed every word. They’ve echoed through my mind since that day and even when you said they weren’t true, I couldn’t believe that. Not anymore.

And then you stopped trying to talk to me as well, and I thought-”

Your words got caught up in your mouth the moment Calum leaned over and kissed you, holding your cheeks with his hands as you melted against his body, kissing him back with all of your might.

The saltiness of your tears mixed with the sweetness of his lips, a tempting taste that only got you craving for more since you were deprived of his kiss for a long time. A million thoughts ran through your head, a million words unsaid, but only one feeling that ruled over them.

He was the one to pull away first, chasing your lips and pecking them with small kisses that soon spread all over your face, kissing over your tears and nose; holding you closer as if he were afraid to ever let you go.

“I love you,” He said between tears and kisses “I love you, I love you” He put his hand on the back of your neck, pressing his forehead against yours before hugging you tightly and hiding his face on the crook of your neck as he repeated an unrehearsed speech that came straight from his heart “I’m sorry, I’m so fucking sorry, my love, Y/N. I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean- I never meant that to be the truth, I swear it wasn’t, not even then and not ever. You didn’t deserve to hear all of that, to even think that I didn’t want you around. I didn’t mean it, I didn’t mean it, I swear!”

You held on to him, tears streaming down your face as you tried to make sense of his words, not caring that you were now drenched with the rain as well. Once again, mind, pride and heart fight relentlessly to find their meaning. But you didn’t care, at least not for today.

“Calum…”

“Please, come back home” He begged, voice muffled against your skin “I can’t do this without you. I need you, Y/N. I need you and I’m sorry. I should’ve realized, I should’ve noticed! I didn’t mean it, baby. Please,”

“Shh, it’s okay” You whispered, closing your eyes and holding him even tighter as your hand ran up and down his back “It’s okay, Cal. We can get through this, it’s okay. I love you, too”

That night Luke offered to drive you guys back home. You stayed up until the early hours of the morning, just talking, discussing, and forgiving. Not a lie was told and no feelings were held. Promises were made and time will tell if they’d keep that way.

But when you finally went to bed, his arm around your waist and holding you as close as he could, you knew you’d be okay.

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#i know this is not kpop related but omg this was amazing to read #fic rec

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