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antuletrik24
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loving hirano.
i.
loving someone like him was rather tricky, it wasn’t a confession but perhaps a weapon, a weapon kagiura used every morning to slit open his own chest and hand hirano his heart, hirano would hesitate, saying how his hands were bloody, how he could not really articulate how the organ worked, how he possibly could not do anything with it, how he is worried that kagiura would probably die if he keeps doing this every day, kagiura knows that he would keep doing this every day, till the day hirano is willing to spare him that hesitation, till the day he is worried about him dying.
ii.
kagiura could barely write, he could barely speak, perhaps it was fear, holding so much of hirano within him had made him too delicate, he feared opening his mouth and losing the only thing he owned of him, hirano’s name rested on the tip of his tongue, on the corner of his mouth, kagiura is a coward, he would rather shove his hand down his throat where hirano’s name vibrated than holding someone else’s.
iii.
whenever kagiura dreams about hirano he always finds him in the kitchen, pouring him tea while the both of them do not speak, the only thing he could hear is his despair and his hands crying in agony because all they want is to perhaps rest on hirano’s waist, though they just weep, sometimes he wonders that he could possibly touch him, it is a dream after all, but a shameful part of his heart reminds him that the pain served by hirano is all he could ever devour, even in his dreams.
#iam a prophet i prophetize#hirano to kagiura#iam kind of having the time of my life and also dying at the same
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and i often picture hirano and kagiura as exes who ended up on bad terms simply because i have the liberty to do so hehe but also because they embody chaos, the comforting yet silently wrenching your gut kind of chaos, because kagiura is not as patient as sasaki, because they do not handle each other gently, i have always compared the dynamics shared by sasaki and miyano and hirano and kagiura parallely and the biggest difference is not the post i made months ago but the way they devour love, hirano is reckless unlike miyano, he doesn't have the ability to realize how his presence, his touch, his voice, all of him is a weapon, a knife to kagiura's complacency, that he simply cannot touch kagiura and expect him to act all sane when it is the most horrible thing his mind and his skin has to deal with, because kagiura is already devoted to him when they are perhaps people who do not understand how devotion works, i often picture hirano and kagiura as exes who ended up on bad terms simply because they both are working really hard to achieve a goal and if compared their goals are almost like diverging roads.
but i also think about the way hirano has a smile reserved for kagiura and the way kagiura has a language he only speaks to hirano and that is one of love, how hirano wouldn't mind doing something as unnecessary as returning a chocolate just because it made his "roommate" jealous and the way kagiura probably doesn't care about academics but would stay up solving a math equation just to share a space with someone he loves who doesn't love him back, yet, i often think about hirano and kagiura as exes who ended up on bad terms finding each other again with perhaps more patience and the same love to stay together till their presence in each others lives becomes as normal as breathing.
#i told you so#hehe#hirano to kagiura#but yeah weaponization of love#the double edged sword#the violence of such tenderness#yeah
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#hirano to kagiura#i have a lot to unpack but I'll take my sweet time rotting in google docs hell before i open my mouth
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Date created: September 10th 2022
The screenshot redrawwww! My Kagi art peaked here honestly
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all this uni all this moving with roommates all this work is making me lose myself I DON'T HAVE TIME TO READ MANGA ANYMORE
#also iam rooming with two people and i only like one of them#iam so exhausted#i cant be hirano anymore#iam so done
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My Chapter 22 Commentary
“We aren’t going on a date!” “Yes, we are!”
The beautiful boys that you are. I love the start to this chapter, their combined prettiness hit me like a truck ngl. It was also such an odd feeling seeing Kagiura’s hair still left in the same position as we last saw it months ago. Feelin like we’re on earth while Kagihira are on the Miller planet in Interstellar, time speeding by for us but inching ever so slowly for them. Anyway, they’re adorable here. And Kagiura is getting prettier by every chapter.
I love how much bolder Kagiura is now too; probably emboldened by Hirano’s initiative in choosing the location of the 10 seconds last chapter. And Hirano. Hirano, once again, saying no to something with Kagiura, then realizing he’s actually at least somewhat okay with it (if not more).
Chapter 22: Slowly but Surely. The Gap Between Givers and Takers
Like everyone else, I’m soooo encouraged by the name of this chapter. Like. This is really happening huh. Things are really changing for Hirano in real-time, and he’s becoming very incrementally more aware of it. And the tagline is so ooogh… is it referring to the palpable difference felt when you are the giver of touch (by extension, affection, and by extension, love), is it referring to the gap slowly and ultimately diminishing to the point that there is no longer a difference felt whether one is the giver or taker and the effect felt is the same no matter what? Is it referring to the widening discrepancy between our boundless acquisition of our planet’s resources and what our poor earth is physically capable of supplying us with hence sending us further past the point of no-return for ecological sustainability? Only sensei has the true answers.
“We’re just going shopping! No one calls that a ‘date’!” “People go on shopping dates all the time!”
Kagiura continuing to fight the good fight. He’s right, Hirano. I mean if even uniform dates exist, surely anything can be a date…
“How long?” “It’s a secret. But I’ll tell you… Once you fall in love with me.”
Honestly, I don’t really know specifically, but I feel like the fact that sensei did a throwback to Hirano wondering how long Kagiura’d been in love with him, is more significant/relevant to the future storyline than we think right now…
Other than, you know, Kagiura cranking up his rizz to MAXIMUM DRIVE
Niibashi putting distance between him and Kagiura in front of Hirano is so funny. Even funnier is Kagiura’s adorable little “Niibashi’s mad at me because I’m missing a button :D” happy-go-lucky air here while he grins ear to ear. I also love the different ways both Niibashi and Hirano get angry around Kagiura hahah. Kagiura really is the perfect easygoing friend for that kind of personality. Still thinking about somebody pointing out the fact that Kagiura’s button was shown missing since the chapter cover for #20…
“Shall we skip practice today? I feel bad monopolizing you every day.”
Please monopolize him until the end of time. Niibashi just quietly simmering in the background like my dinner. Hirano looking up at Kagiura in such a cute little way while holding the ends of his sweater, why the frick does this give me such domestic vibes.. Ha ha it reminds me of Kagiura holding Hirano’s ring folder when he was fixing it up in the nurs e ‘ s o f f i c e . . .
I’m sorry I am now looking at the symbolism for paper cranes (the ones in the background on the table behind Niibashi calling Kagiura a slob, and well, it’s not much, it’s just stuff like honor, good luck/fortune (hmm), loyalty and longevity (hmmmmm)… Slowly but surely…
Sewing privileges transferred. Niibashi’s organs eroding from the inside-out from seeing (and probably simultaneously remembering everything Kagiura’s told him Hirano has done/said) every speck of affection dripping out from every crevice on Hirano’s gay little face and body.
“There’s nothing I can’t do if I put my mind to it.” Including realizing your growing romantic feelings for Kagiura, right? Man the way Hirano keeps poking/hurting himself in the process of trying to fix Kagiura’s button/make up for wrecking it himself… makes me emo how he doesn’t mind getting hurt if it’s all for Kagiura’s sake aghhhh byeeeee… Love all the fond smiles Kagiura gives when Hirano says something cool, gahhhh… they love each other so much… I cant handle them…. “Ugh, why do you have to be so stubborn even with something like this?!” “I’m just messing with you.” Aaaand there’s his first smile of the chapter, followed by the next one 6 pages later (and one of my favourite panels of Kagihira together ;___; laughing together and relishing purely just being with the other….
Can’t remember if someone said this already, but I don’t know if it’s significant here, them both being on one side of the window frame’s shadow (the ‘centre line’ (Romance: don’t cross the line)). I mean it’d make sense I guess, since what Kagiura initiated wasn’t super romantic relatively speaking, albeit still a very affectionate gesture. Either way though- no lines were crossed, for sure.
Bony shoulder… hard thigh from the lap pillow… the physical awareness of each others’ bodies…. the way Kagiura rubs his head on it like he’s a cat on a scratching post… I digress. Love how sensei does lighting in her manga. The shadow that separates part of Hirano from Kagiura on the page after Kagiura told him it makes his heart race. Oooh…
...It doesn’t make mine race, though. But… It’s still not bad at all.
What if I died. No but for real, this hurtssss because Hirano’s thinking to himself how he doesn’t physiologically feel the same as Kagiura, but he still enjoys the contact. He still likes touching it. Even if I’m not in love with you the way you are with me, I still want to be with you Kagi-kun.
I also want to mention something. I’ve kind of picked up this little.. thing.. of counting the panels of their ten second touching as if each panel is a second. Now, I’m too lazy to look through right now but there was at least one time when it equated to about 10 panels, 10 seconds, right? Well here, I’m counting 14 panels of his head being on Hirano’s shoulder. I was talking with friends about this and we were so unanimous about the fact that this was *not* 10 seconds long. Okay, it could’ve been, but c’mon, between all their talking, do you reallyyyy think Kagiura was fully counting the whole time. Be for real
Oh… Was that 10 seconds already?
Back to the lighting. MAN. So good. The shadow on both the boys as Kagiura removes the weight of his head from Hirano’s shoulder. I hope his shoulder felt lighter. I hope it felt wrong to feel so light. Just like when Kagiura removed his arms from around Hirano after the hug and Hirano shivered a little. I hope each and every continued loss of weight and warmth is an accumulated strip torn off of Hirano’s psyche, and I hope he reaches the point where he is just a building torn to shreds whose only hope for reconstruction is the handyman responsible for the teardown in the first place.
God I just noticed Kagiura’s made that smiling while looking down face before, in chp 17, and Hirano just watches him so closely… but that wasn’t after touching. However in chp15 it was after their first 10 sec touching, but he wasn’t smiling, he looked blushily anguished, and Hirano was observing him in the panel right before it, top left, just as he is here…
Oh Hirano…bold of you to think Kagiura’s only been teaching you basketball…
It’s so crazy how Miyano dispels all this manga-obtained BL wisdom and yet does not have the intuition to put 2 and 2 together from what is coming out of Hirano’s mouth. It’s okay, not everyone can be Tashiro/Hanzawa…
Also, I feel like everyone’s processed it long enough that it’s just normal now, but Hirano admitting his heart raced during the hug and it not being mentioned at all (not even in motherfreaking SFX) up until this point is insane. It’s insanity. What other finer details are being kept under wraps til much later? Anyway, so I guess Hirano’s parents aren’t the hugging type ;_;
Love the Hiramiya banter. And Hirano’s chibi face in the, “Yeah, right???” panel.
Aaaand cue Exhibit #2(?) of Hirano’s selective hearing in full display. So frustrating yet funny. Miyano literally giving out the secrets to the universe FOR FREE and Hirano’s out here like “man I really need the secrets of the universe, whatever shall I do”
I mean, personally, I don’t think we can know for sure yet if his heart was beating hard during the hug from surprise or from ~something else~, until they, like, schedule in a hug or something. Pencil it into their busy schedules in advance and know it’s coming and be fully prepared for it only for his heart to start racing again despite the precognition and become totally ruined inside and out, only then will I sleep soundly at night-
And then the infamous: When he’s around…it’s so much easier to focus. God I wish I could see him
顔が見てえ…Kao ga mitē…I want to see his face…. instant ruination. thrown asunder further into uncertainty. I’ve definitely had crushes where my infatuation developed while at a distance, pondering how much I think of them, and then leading to further physical reactions within their proximity. I feel… good things will come of this date. Though it’d be nice if Kagiura hugged Hirano during the date, to further nail down Miyano’s quote of how much they wanted to see the person, and then getting embraced after.
Ahhh… Hirano pissed off, then receiving Kagi’s text and instantly relaxing and smiling…and regaining the focus to study. Not to mention Hirano adding a date-like activity to their very non-date date. And calling it “not a date, but...”
I’m going to throw them into the sun. /lovingly
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you’re at a crossroads: stay on the train and watch his back retreat from you until he vanishes into the crowd; look at the ring on his finger and think about someone else.
Or.
the doors nearly scruff sasaki as he slips out at the last second. hirano wouldn’t have noticed him, obviously, busy going his own way, but still sasaki trails a little uncertainly after him. he’s not eager to call out his name in a train station packed with people, not eager to call attention to… whatever he’s doing. so he doggedly follows in his path, going as fast as the crowd allows, and—sasaki, more than a little gracelessly, takes hold of hirano’s elbow, pulling him off-course. pulling him around a corner, down a strange corridor, around another corner. pulls him firmly into the shadows.
he finds himself at a crossroads.
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People should make more doomed by narratives siblings relationship.
Like with lovers you can just sever it and not have it related to you ever again but with siblings how could you?
You grow up with them you raise them or they raised you you both know how unforgiving the world is to both of you? You would die for them but will hate them for doing the same and yet none of you would regret it and both of you know it. They could be the person you loath the most and miss the most cause you still remember how they sneaked a candy into your hands. You can sever the tie but you can never look away at what you've lost, at whom you've lost because fate doesn't allow you to be together, eating dinners in quiet peace, if only there's another life, another time, where i can make you another plate of pancakes i would im sorry im sorry im sorry —
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truly the end goal is not "my close friends aren't annoyed by me and it's all in my head, they're my friends and they love me", it's "sometimes I do annoy my close friends, just as the people I love most will also annoy me sometimes, because this is normal, and we will continue to stay friends, and they're not going to want to immediately cut me out of their life if I do something annoying once in a while"
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i think the biggest difference between shima and hanazawa is how shima actually is pretty isolated from love not only practically but theoretically, hanazawa on the other hand gets so weirded out by the existence of romance that. IT'S HIS JOB NOW TO KNOW EVERYTHING ABOUT IT. he wouldn't leave love alone and will scrutinize it like a lab rat. also hanazawa's ass is too nosy. girl can never stay out of everyones love life. like he would go batshit embarrassed after hearing about it. but he has to know. shima is just too aro to even be a little nosy. yes.
#yes. i have gone crazy.#uni starts in 4 days but all iam doing it is hyperfixating over this two weirdos#i would bully them in real life for sure#yes#hanazawa masato
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I don’t know. I feel like maybe I can get so much mileage out of Weird in ssmyverse because I know that harusono’s got the chops for that sort of thing. just look at butai ni sake
you know
#yes. exactly.#ssmy seems more like her trying to deconstruct the stereotypical tropes usually written by cis women for cis women#even when it has so many points where she could easily go all weird with it#but bns really just scratches my weird-almost-dangerously-homoerotic itch#and yea. LOVE LORD QUEEN HARASUNO FOR THAT.🥰
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Artist's Criteria For "Successful Art" Depends on Whether or Not These 5 Mutuals Write Something in the Tags
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yeah this still. Ha ha
#also where does hanazawa lie on this scale#why is hanazawa not here miss lord harasuno#IAM REALLY PISSED RN🥰#but comparing his frame to hirano makes him pretty similar to him#tho I won't call him buff really#i really want to see hanazawa in a sleeveless crop top for once
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okay but. i really want hanazawa to hold that one of a kind affection in his hands once. how would he react? will he worry about how dirty his hands are or how he might accidentally break it. will he run away at the sight of it. will he store it in a bottle full of formaline so that he could analyse it like a specimen. will he crush it with his bare hands like an orange. will he have something he could compare it with. i presume he will agonize over it. but then he isn't exactly the type to agonize over things the way people agonize over things. how does he view that affection. is it glittery and if yes, is he the type who likes glittery things. perhaps. i'am not very sure. he definitely fancies sparkly things but he definitely fears them too. perhaps envies them a little too but i'am afraid he would never admit that. would hanazawa ever accept the existence of such an affection that is directed towards him. he would definitely scrutinize it. he would definitely make it run on a hamster wheel. perhaps perform microdialysis. i'am sure about the microdialysis really.
#yeah this is what happens when my hyperfixations get mixed#shima and hanazawa are really so alike#though i do think hanazawa is a lot more difficult#he is so annoying really#also hanazawa is so biology major sometimes#i mean he would definitely have fun dissecting things#but yes#i want to know whether he compares that affection to crabs#he never lets me catch a fucking break#hirano to kagiura#hanazawa masato
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[ID: a panel from the manga Skip to Loafer from chapter 54, showing a slightly obscured profile of Shima’s face as he eats. He’s thinking, “Wait, how do I usually eat? I mean, no matter how you chew it’s kind of animalistic, right? No way, others don’t usually think about that.” /End ID]
stares into the distance
#yeah this reminded me of that db post where hanazawa kept reminding himself of the dirt beneath his nails#they are both so alien coded#how do humans function?core#we love them here
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help! my classmate’s asking for relationship advice, but I’m aromantic!?
I drafted a little hirano & hanzawa conversation after the latest hirano to kagiura (basically. wow I think if they had a conversation like how miyano and hirano had one I think hanzawa would internally lose it) and. and then I got hit by two trucks the first being the case files of jeweler richard and the second being I started playing dgs again. so I decided to just go ahead and post this bc I will probably just leave it to die on my computer otherwise. so this is probably a little rougher prose than I usually go for lol. under the cut as usual.
there’s an awkward silence that stretches between two people who are the last to leave a room, which is why hanzawa is about to begin loudly packing his things when hirano turns to him and clears his throat.
almost immediately hanzawa stills; hirano is famously reticent, so he anticipates anything coming out of his mouth to be already midway to a disaster. unfortunately his pencil had been the first thing he’d tucked away. though openly taking notes in front of anyone while they were speaking was probably a bad move.
hirano’s gaze flickers back to the window, and he moves a few steps towards it with increasing casualness. “you’ve dated before, right?” he asks hanzawa.
hanzawa hums. “do you think I have?” he asks.
“you just seem—“ hirano shakes his head, frustrated. “I was just thinking… people get flustered and their heart races whenever they’re around the person they like, right?”
ah. so it was going to be one of these types of questions.
“those are common descriptions, sure.”
hirano levels him with a flat look. “you sure lose all your worldly senpai charm when miyano’s not around, huh?”
miyano was the type of person to have stars in his eyes. hirano was… also the type of person to have stars in his eyes, even if he went about it differently. it was, strangely enough, hanzawa’s favorite thing about both of them.
“it’s my secret,” hanzawa says. thankfully, miyano hasn’t really asked him for advice of this kind yet.
hirano laughs. “sure,” he says. “will one of these secrets tell me what you’re thinking?”
briefly, hanzawa considers the optics of being truthful. he immediately feels bad for weighing his options like this, but feeling bad doesn’t make him want to be honest, so he keeps considering. hirano’s the kind of guy who doesn’t really even unintentionally gossip.
on a thought that’s a bit too bitter… right now hirano is staring out at the sky like he’s looking at a completely different scene. he’s entirely too absorbed in himself to really consider hanzawa as part of the equation.
that evens his guilt by just a smidgen. he supposes these kind of thoughts are what makes him the most self-absorbed out of any of them.
“well,” hanzawa says, casting his gaze down to the wood grain of the table, “I just don’t think liking, in the way you speak of it… I don’t think it’s all that important.”
almost immediately hirano whirls around to face him. “that’s not true!” he says, looks at himself in shock, and abruptly turns around again.
hanzawa has a terrible eye for these things. this is why he notices hirano’s ears turning a deep pink. feeling his own cheeks heat, he quickly averts his eyes—in sympathy or mortification or jealousy, he isn’t sure.
“so,” hanzawa says, staring at the ceiling. “clearly you feel some way. about feelings.”
hirano grits his teeth. “I… I don’t know,” he says. “it’s just… the thought of disrespecting or ignoring those feelings… it’s like… I can’t look away.”
well, hanzawa likes kagiura, too. he’s a good kid. but there’s an odd feeling in his chest that rises when it comes to meddling between them. so he settles on saying, “some people say that when you like someone, you can’t help but follow them with your gaze.”
“but what do you think?” hirano asks.
hanzawa sighs, drumming his fingers against the table. if he makes it sound enough like a joke he can probably give an answer. “well, hirano, you do rank higher than me on exams. is it so surprising I wouldn’t necessarily have an answer for this one?”
“I know that,” hirano says. “I’m not asking for an answer, I’m just... what would you think? if it was you.”
“if it was me, I’d ignore them until they moved on.”
“…and if they never move on?” hirano asks, like he was seriously contemplating a future where love lasted forever.
“then I’ll ignore it forever,” hanzawa says. “if I can’t like them back, what’s the point?”
“but the other person won’t ever get a response,” hirano says, frowning deeply. “forever and ever.”
“in every situation… I think there’s a choice of inaction, and one of action,” hanzawa says. “I suspect you will always be the latter.“
“it’s my choice, in the end,” hirano says. “isn’t it.” he’s still a faint shade of pink. “for what it’s worth… thanks.”
hanzawa smiles, brittle in his bones. he cannot wait for this conversation to be forgotten. “as always, a pleasure.”
if he ever gets asked this again, he’s really going to have to come up with a better answer.
#hanazawa masato and him being brittle in the bones when talking about romance#GAH YOU GET IT#the way he wants to have an answer ready the next time he has a similar conversation#UM WAIT#is this situated before he and miyano had that talk#OMG THAT MAKES SO MUCH SENSE#this reminded me of one of my first posts on hanazawa#i love this
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[ID: A digital illustration of Monkey King/Sun Wukong from Lego Monkie Kid. He sits crouched, balancing on his staff, with a confident smile on his face. His phoenix feather cap and red cape flare out behind him, and his tail curls beneath him. The background is a light blue with a slight cloud motif and a big yellow sunburst shape centered around his head. The artist’s signature “sunnfish 2023” is written on the flap of his cape. /End ID]
Woe, lego monkie kid be upon ye
Alternate versions under the cut ^_^
[ID: Two versions of the same image as above; in each, the color main color layer is turned to a different blending mode, changing the colors and allowing the background colors to bleed through. The first changes it to brighter colors, while the second changes it to darker colors. /End ID]
#this looks so adorable#i love the reds and the yellows and the oranges#I LOVE THE COLOURS#your artsyle IS EVERYTHING
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