Teeth gritted, first clenched, staring at you through tear stained, narrowed eyes. Your disgusting impurity that causes hate to fill my brain and soul. Screams leave my lips as I try to make sense of the words leaving yours. Damage is being taken over and over again. Ripping open wounds you made when I was little. Knowing exactly where to hurt to tear down all the hard work I've built up. My clenched fist tear at my progress, ripping it down with my own two hands because of the words you've put into my head. Screams don't stop until I'm nothing but a puddle of bloody scraps again. Until I'm worn down to my absolute limit. Since I'm the strange one, if I get better, but have a bad day. Like I'm the only broken one among us because you hide demons oh so well, brother...

11/29/23

Our emotions towards each other have changed from Summer heat to the cold Winter frost. Freezing everything that was once ablaze with life and laughs was now empty and frozen. Words can't be spoken. Lips don't move. Pushed across the ice away from one another. Further and further, you seem to get from me and I can't move to go after you. If I could though, would it even matter? You were the one who pushed off me in the first place. Shutting me out in the cold abyss as I tried to cling to you for warmth. You pushed so I let go...

-CeMRo

o7/29/23

Grappling over to the next ledge of my past to the light. Alone, I must climb and hurdle over these obstacles of life. Looking down, I see what I left behind and what I've lost.

Yet, I see that there's something to gain if I climb up towards the brightness. If I keep climbing, there's a chance I can thrive. So I take my hand, and I reach up, grabbing the next part to climb. Just be cautious of the fall risk...

o6/o8/23

Helpless in the light of hope. The light is slipping out of my grasp and I'm running out of air to breathe. I just need more hope, just a little more hope, please. I'm begging on my knees now. Clinging to the little light you continue to give me. It's not gone yet and maybe if I work harder I can make the light bigger. I can make you love me enough to make the air come back into my lungs effortlessly.

Falling and falling unaware if I'll be caught by your net of love. Scared that I'll fall flat without the light in sight. Don't take the light away I beg of you. Break open the darkness and let me bask in your warmth.

o2/o4/23

The itching that gnaws at my skin where the razor craves to be. The sting of the metal fling over the freshly smooth freshly healed skin can be described no less than euphoric. Yet screams throughout me tell me no. Tell me it's bad and that I am punishing myself for acts I did not commit. I lived with those acts blamed on me for so long I've forgotten they aren't my sins. They aren't my sins to burn for. Yet the blade and the fire call out my name to carve, put the sins that have been acted upon my skin. Bleed and boil while those who truly deserve it smile and sleep well at night. Toss and turn, scream and shout! No one can see! No one can hear!

Those that see that I carry this burden try to help. They say 'just stop and let me help' but what if I'm too far gone for even the sweetest soul to being me back?

01/22/2023

"I'll make sure to."

She was smiling at her phone. He had assured her that he'd be home for dinner. So, she passed the time with a shower to shave and clean up a bit before seeing the one man that takes her breath away.

She heard the keys in the lock and was instantly alert of his presence. She wasn't wearing her collar, but she was prepared for any punishment he'd give her. "I'm home!" He calls from the other room. She slowly makes her way over to him and wraps her arms around him. Pressing her entire body against his. She reaches up and kisses him softly at first. She parted from him so he could unwind a bit. Her pussy already throbbing for him but she needed to hold herself back for now. Grey sweatpants and no shirt he walks out of the bathroom and walks over to her pouring tea in the living room. He smiles at her and as she sets down the teapot he wraps his arms around her.

She jumps slightly but soon relaxes as she melts into him. She turns around and pushes him down on the couch before climbing on top of him. Slowly bringing her lips to his. They collided into a passionate kiss. Tongues desperately search each other and she begins to bite his bottom lip. She can feel his cock growing beneath her. She began to grind against the stiffness that seems to never stop growing. She pulls away from his lips and smiles devilishly at him.

He flips her over and pins her down on the couch. She stares up at him with her big baby-doll eyes. She leans up and whispers into his ear, "Ruin my insides Daddy."

With that, he's ready to go however he's not ready to give her what she wants just yet. He makes his way down her stomach and then her thighs. He begins to kiss her inner thighs before biting into her left thigh. She let out a moan and he dove into her now wet pussy. He licks up her juices and begins to play with her clit. Rubbing his tongue in circles around her clit. Her fingers are running through his hair. She doesn't know how much more of this pleasure she could handle before cumming. She begins to squirm but he holds her firmly in place. She's panting and moaning so he adds a finger or two. This gets her though. She covers her mouth to not scream in pleasure.

However, he wasn't done with her though. He positioned himself between her legs. His cock rubbed against the opening of her pussy. Slippery and warm he pushed his cock into her. Warm and tight is how she felt. Filling and stretching is how he felt to her. Both in bliss as he continued his way inside her. Finally, all the way in he then began to pull out and push back in. Thrusting slowly just enjoying the wetness of her pussy.

He began to thrust faster and harder. Her pleasure was rising with him and soon they were in sync. Every movement was euphoric and as he pounded away at her pussy she pulled at his hair, scratched his back. and bit into him to keep from the screaming in pleasure.

He pulled out leaving her whimpering and commanded her to lay over the edge of the couch. She obliged and he slowly positioned himself behind her. She was excited and nervous at the same time.

She felt him push himself inside her again. Hard and wide. Stretching her open like no one ever has. She falls against the sofa armrest and allows him to take over her body. He takes her by the hair and begins to pound into her. His balls hitting over and over against her. She couldn't stop herself she came again and again while in this position. She would glance back at him and he would simply smile and continue.

Finally, he felt the tension of himself finishing. She drove his cock deep inside her and left a lovely cream pie there.

"I made sure to ruin your insides little one. Didn't I?" He smirked.

My desire

Push me against the wall and make me yours. Throw me onto the bed and pin my arms above my head. His other hand mangled around my in my hair going down my face slowly choking me. Running his hand lower and groping my boobs tightly. Craving my soaking pussy he slid down and cupped my warmth. Driving a finger inside me I let out a moan and squirm. My entire body feels like it’s been hit by wave and I’m riding it. Higher and higher the wave goes and right at the peak he pulls away leaving me to quiver. I shake and groan. Begging for more as I wrap my legs around him. He smirks and I can’t help but feel electricity go through me again. I needed more. He thrusted himself inside of me and I felt full force of his size. My body tried to adjust but he was already thrusting. Shocking me over and over again. My heart was racing and I began to scream. Pleasure never felt so good. My hands ran through his hair pulling him closer and harder to me. Nothing has ever topped the feeling he gave her. Nothing topped the orgasm she had this time.

His whispered touch (Erotica fantasy.)

I stepped out of the hot shower and wrapped a towel around myself after drying myself off. I began to wonder out to our bedroom and lecture him for leaving me alone in the shower when he said he’d join. 

  I am suddenly standing still holding my breath as a large hand grips my throat tightly but not maliciously. I let out a sigh and roll my eyes at him. He backs off and raises his hands jokingly. He sits in a chair and I directly across him on our bed. My towel hiding the bare minimum of skin. I felt his eyes scanning every inch of my body. Thinking about what he wants to do with me. I take in the view from our cabin and his hand slowly reaching out to mine. As if he is almost scared to touch me for a moment. Though I knew better and he pounced. My towel fell to the side and his suit buttons coming undone as he pinned my hands above my head on the bed. Just his hand is holding me in place and my skin begins to ignite with passion as I looked into his eyes. Hunger, no something stronger. Something in his eyes made me know he was not letting me off easy even after I showered. His lips crash onto mine and it’s as if we were melting into each other. I wrapped my bare legs around his waist and pulled him onto me. He looked at me sternly and I let go. He painfully slowly takes off his suit until it’s just him and his boxers. His sculpted body tall, toned, big, and strong. She desired every inch of him. I let myself be lifted by him while his lips once again meet mine. Pushing me onto our bed with a devious smirk. I began to back up but like a predator hunting it’s prey he caught up quickly and swiftly. He gripped my calf and I stopped inching backwards. My mind racing with thoughts of things he can do to me. It feels like he is reading my mind as his lips and teeth bite their way up my legs and thighs before pushing my thighs to the side and looking at my pussy. He was ready to devour me and his fingers outlined my pussy lips making my quiver with anticipation. Spreading my lips he moved his tongue around and sucked my pussy. Finding my clit he switched between pleasing my clit just to edge me by biting my thighs quite hard. He knew exactly what he was doing. 

  He was finally satisfied with his fill and now it was my turn. He was already hard and huge. I bent down and started licking at the base near the balls. Making his shaft nice and wet before finally parting my lips and taking in his thick cock. He filled every part of my mouth and then some. I felt him near my throat and I began to rub my hands on the messy shaft that my mouth wasn’t able to reach. I start to suck and slowly move my head taking in more and less of him at a time. I felt him getting harder and throbbing after each thrust. He tells me to lay back with my mouth wide open. I do and he fits his monster cock into my mouth slowly thrusting until he gets further and further down my throat. He throat fucked me as I lay there happily serving him. He pulled out then threw me to the floor. I crawled back to him as he sat down and I continued to please him. Licking the tip of his dick to the every end. Playing with his balls in my hand while the other rubs the shaft. I start to suck the head of his dick again. Letting my tongue swirl and roll along his head and then pulling him deeper into my mouth. 

  He pulls me over a pillow lifting my hips. He was finally ready to enter me. My heart was racing. I’ve never been more excited and nervous at the same time. This man had a huge cock. Worrying it wouldn’t fit, I tried to relax myself. Then I felt his tip rubbing against my pussy. Up and down the lips, teasing me and making me crave more. He starts to push the tip in and my hand instantly covers my mouth before letting out a deep moan. He was the biggest I’d ever had. He slowly made his way inch by inch inside me until he was there. He was inside me and it felt both amazing and so filling. Taking a minute and a few slow thrusts before getting into a rhythm that felt good. He felt better than I could have imagined. Thick and long yet someone able to fit inside me. He changed our position to doggy and I could somehow feel even more of him inside me. My body at its limit yet still craving all of him. Electricity is all I felt as he fucked my brains out. Putting me in different positions and taking his time to really make sure I enjoyed myself as well. 

  When he finally cam I never thought I’d see so much cum come out of me. I looked at him happily and he admired his handiwork. After another shower he made me hot chocolate and cuddled me while watching a musical.

My entire mind is flooded with thoughts of why I don't matter. Reasons I should give up and end everything. Constantly reminded of how much of a burden I am. They won't stop no matter how many distractions I throw at them. No matter how many positive coping skills I try to do. Converted into ways to ruin me. How do I fix something that exists only to me? They say, "you control your mind." They don't understand how complicated it is in here. Why can't I control my mind?

I can barely leave my bed... I've tried forcing myself but I can't breathe. I'm killing my mom with the stress I bring her. I wish more than anything that I could control my mind.

Why would I still be like this if I had any type of control up there? No one wants this. Why can't people just understand that?

02/05/2021

I know your manipulation skills. I feel your inner hatred and I tried to rid it. However you don't have something that could be removed. Instead you infect the minds and pin those against eachother. Those around you aren't allowed to be happy unless you are. Your toxin only works on those easily fooled. However, I see behind your fake face and the fake concern. I was once blinded by it as well. Now I can use your own toxin against you. However I have the antivenmon while yours will eventually kill those who listen too closely.

▪︎10/03/2020

I continue to feel alone. The longing for someone to just hold me tight. To feel reassured that things will be okay. I wish to die daily. I want it to be an accident or something that isn't my fault so it doesn't hurt my family. I can't stop this depression. I can't beat it and I'm falling apart. My mind is never going to stop is it? Why am I still even trying... I don't understand why I'm like this.

My mom is so stressed because I can't even get out of bed anymore. I feel more and more worthless. All I feel is sad or angry. I have so much self hate that I can't breathe sometimes. These panic attacks are pushing me closer to the edge and I'm barely on it to begin with. Constant crying to the point I'm dehydrated and can't produce more tears.

I feel myself slipping. I feel the urges to hurt myself. To die. I'm so scared of myself. The voices get loud that they take over my thoughts.

"You're pathetic"

"No one will ever want you."

'Ugly, fat, stupid, worthless" etc..

"No one cares if you die.'

"You're such a burden. Just off yourself."

It's hard to not listen to them and I do hate myself. ..

That's all for rn. I need to try and sleep. 2am and I'm typing this because I needed control of my mind.. this is the only way I could think of.

Nothing has given me proper joy in a really long time. I feel nothing but I somehow feel everything at the same time.

It doesn't make much sense.. I've come to terms with that. It's kind of like someone is taking sand and stacking it on top of me until the pressure eventually cracks my ribs and I bleed out internally or I simply get so far under I can no longer breathe. Watching the sand slowly swallow my entire chest...

That's a bit gruesome but what do I care ? My mind feels ready to burst. I sometimes can't slow my thoughts to a pace that allows me to even read them... does that make sense ? It's like millions of thoughts are flying by my eyes and they are flying by my eyes so fast I can only catch the occasional word..

A calm mind is just as scary though. Being able to feel and properly think about what is running through your mind... sometimes it gets so dark and painful that I wish for the buzzing of the flying words.

Neither are helpful, both cause me to have worse symptoms of my mental health issues. The screaming becomes more clear in the chaos and they are so easy to hear when my mind is slower or numbing...

I'm alone more than ever before. I feel worse and it's not the coronavirus (I hope if you stumble upon this and somehow make it this far into this mess of a post.. that you are safe and you have toilet paper.)

I think I'm lost in the middle of reality and fantasy... no one believes me. I can see their doubt. Or those who think its "in your head" WELL NO SHIT ITS IN MY HEAD. MY BRAIN DOESN'T FUNCTION CORRECTLY...

They don't let me out sometimes.. the others. They lock me in my room because they think I'm going to hurt my physical self.. I feel like everything is against me and I wish I knew how to stop seeing the aggression and hatred in everyone's eyes...

I hate myself more than I can ever put into words. Yet here I am.. typing this stupid post that will never be seen is the closest thing I can get to "help." It's the only place they can't filter. They aren't always the good guys.. or maybe i really am the villain in my own story.

I'll post again soon...

My mind is a mess as you can tell. I'm scared of actually losing my mind..

I wish this made sense.

Am I the Villain?

Sometimes it's hard to place my emotions...

I know I sound fucking insane but it's how I feel. It makes me feel more alone than I already do which is painful..

I deserve it though. I deserve to be hurt over and over again don't I? To burn with self hatred.

I struggle to remind myself that I'll never be someone's number one person. There isn't hope for me...

I fear what I crave most. I beg for company and no one wants to deal with me anymore.

I feel the resentment when speaking with those in my life. I know I make things worse... I'm a hassle but maybe I won't always be alone ? I don't know my fate but I also don't know how much more I can take.

Suffocating...

It will sound stupid and I've heard it all but I can't stop thinking about my dog. We had to put him down Feb 3rd 2019.

Today is Sept 5th 2019.

And it's one of those days that everything reminds me of him. I can't stop crying.

I feel pathetic but he was my baby. He meant everything to me and I willingly brought him somewhere to get killed. I know it "ended his suffering" I get it.

That doesn't make it fucking easier.

I'm suffocating without him and I feel like I'll stop breathing at any point..

I promised him I wouldn't hurt myself but the thoughts and urges are so strong and I am tried of being alone.

I won't kill myself. I promised that...

However I can hope for a fatal accident... because I just don't think I can continue to do this without him...

I haven't felt love or safety like I did with him.. in 7 months and I still think he'll be waiting for me to walk into the apt and give him attention.. but he isn't.

No one is going to bother to read this.

But I had to post it somewhere.

I just want to breathe again... or just let it kill me quickly...

(I'm not suicidal. No plan or anything.)