Day 10-11 Pressure

So things on my end are rather loopy. I mentally am all over the place. I'm genuinely happy as of late and I feel cleaner all around but sometimes random things just come at me sideways. I really see now how petty some people are which is shitty but this morning man I was fucking livid! But over some stupid bull shit you see how people really are and I literally was at my threshold and I was very close to knocking in my roommates teeth in. Like unbelievable! I can't wait til we throw his ass out of my house. Literally can't wait to see the look on his face. I can't wait til I get all my space back. Fuck. Hard to believe I haven't drank at all.... so my goal is still day by day in order to not put crazy expectations on this endeavor. Hmmmmm imagine one year without drinking.... day by day of course.

Amsterdam - Netherlands (by RobinTphoto) 

it’s... Day 10?

At 10 p.m. I am usually checking in with my brother to see what is the best thing to do and how to better take care of things, especially mentally. Today was rather troublesome unfortunately in that respect. I was worked up over some stuff regarding roommates (stuff that never gets easier, no matter how accepting you try to be of other people), and it’s left me feeling a little walked over. I am trying to desperately shake this feeling off. Anytime things are remotely stressful, my first thought is “God, what I would do for a drink, a nice cold beer, or an easy cocktail.”

I hate that that’s my first go-to. I want to understand more about why that’s my reaction, but more importantly -- try to shake that habit off. I’ve also decided that I want to make it to February 15, and to hit a full month of sobriety. I’m trying to commit to it as best as I can, and see what happens.

So far the best thing that has happened has been less pain with my period. Less cramping, and overall less pain. I’m still bloated and rather gassy -- but I wonder if drinking less has made my period less painful. I know this isn’t something people want to read about, but hey -- binge drinking affects you in lots of different ways.

But just because I’m physically feeling better, or at least somewhat, doesn’t make the pressure to want to drink go away. Mentally it’s been a struggle -- especially as I try to assess where I am now and what I can do to help people in similar situations, especially with this ever changing political climate. There’s just too much swirling in my head and I get particularly down when I feel like I am just pulling myself together again to work better.

Day 6-7-8

I attempted to write somewhere along the lines of these past few days. Funny enough, when exhaustion catches you unawares, the first thing you want to do is apparently drink? But I held off -- I was strong and I was resilient. Inauguration Day was stressful because it is very hard for me not to feel down about our country's current path. The march day was nice to be surrounded by friends both new and old to go around and share our collective disgust of the horrible things that Trump stands for. Afterwards, it took a lot of strength not to have a glass of champagne. For whatever reason, all I want is that bubbly. But still I headed it off. I didn't drink. Thankful for my partner in this particular case. Yesterday? Well yesterday was just full of grossness thanks to my lady parts being actually angry that I am not fertilized but oh well! I didn't want to drink last night and that was actually pretty ok with me. But still, I can't believe I made it through these tough past few days without drinking and doing all this! I made signs, I spent time with people and I didn't have a single drink in the process. What is this madness? After I complete today, it will be a full 8 days which means I have passed my first week of sobriety. And I'm still here. Even if I want to sleep forever but that's just because I am always tired :/ Now off to work. And to not being exhausted. But eh.

Day 6-7- Fury

So not the way I wanted to teach my 1st week of sobriety... but I just can't believe my current job of employment can be such condescending assholes! Like seriously after being an entire year of bull shit not to mention the emotional physical and mental trauma I went through, I hate when people tell me what my worth is which I know is all shit but it still hurts nonetheless... whatever it makes the sobriety process so much harder cause all I want to do is hide in a bottle.... whatever I know better... happy 1 week to sobriety.

Days 5-6 - Flowing

It's been a while since I wrote so here's an update I put my two weeks at work to start full time at my new job. I been feeling really great as of late no urges and inspiration has been flowing like crazy! I feel lighter than air and it's a great feeling! Remember if any of you are having a tough time, you're in a safe space to talk it out with either one of us me or KP your choice :). You're not alone and we're always listening and no judgements :). Keep up the good work guys! We're in it to win it!!!

Seriously.

How do people stay sober when something of this magnitude affects their lives and renders them incapable of working normally? I've felt like a zombie all day thanks to that cheeto now officially in office. Ugh. Could use some tips.

Day 4-5 - Relief

So today was an interesting day to say the least. I went for an MRI which isn't very fun, in fact it's quite nauseating. So on my way to to my appointment I shared a ride going to where I had to go and I met this very beautiful girl and I had to say the conversation started in the most unconventional way.... I wrote her a note. She looked at me as if I was a mad man but she played along and we talked for our short ride But only communicating by writing which was very nice. So I got her number and she's really nice hopefully things work out. anyways I also had finally made a decision about my job and I'm finally ready to quit my old job in order to grow professionally since I got a new job but the only thing that made me very nervous was I thought my new job had no benefits but god does amazing things and things worked out for the best for once! And work was also very rewarding which was very nice for a change. Anyways I guess this year is going to be my year. Let's hope for the best :)

Madeira - Portugal (by annajewelsphotography) 

Instagram: annajewels

Day 4 - time passes slowly

even when you’re working hard, time passes slowly especially if sometimes all you can think about is how tired you are, how healthy you’re trying to be by eating right and not drinking at all -- and yet all you want to do is shove a burger down your throat and guzzle like 3 beers in one shot.

So I wasn’t thinking that, but I kinda was. I settled for one of the two. The burger, because well, I’ve been eating pretty decently. And furthermore, I was so braindead that instead of going further down the hole with brain-dead-edness, i thought it would be wiser to just eat and sit and let that expand my sad belly a little bit.

It’s kind of weird how my stomach has been feeling over the past week. I don’t know how to feel about not drinking, other than it keeps me from getting more depressed. Or feel more anxiety. Or feel, i don’t know, something else other than normal? I don’t know what is normal, not that I’ve ever worried about “being normal.” But feeling normal, or “okay” was never something I considered until I realized that what I was feeling was not... indeed normal.

In any case, now everything just feels slow and abnormal, but at least I’m not drinking. Even if all i want to do is do that. But here I am, full of burger. And having watched more Arrested Development.

The country will be more in a state of “arrested development,” after tomorrow anyway. And I’ll continue thinking to myself why I decided to stop drinking this time as opposed to next week or something. That i could have used the drinks to numb whatever I’m feeling about tomorrow and the next four years. But you know, this is how it works. Either way.

The days pass. And I have to get stronger. No matter what happens. Or comes my way.

--KP

What happens when you're bored on a train and want to make your cat look like Jiji from Kiki's Delivery Service.

Day 3-4- New Beginnings

I wasn't able to write yesterday since my job was absolutely hectic but I got a new job In the best Japanese restaurant in my state which is amazing but now I'm going to be leaving my old job of a year for better opportunities and more money. Bittersweet but ultimately I'm happy. I'm now four days since my last drink and last bit of everything and I'm slowly feeling the grip of addiction lessening and my view of my small world is growing. I'm in a happy place now and so glad that things are looking positive and in the next couple weeks I cash out my vacation days and onwards to a new future where I can make myself anew, but I'll never forget the people I met and all my experiences which I will miss. I'll miss the pool parties the brunches, early morning photo sessions at the beach I'll be missing so much. But I have to further myself in order to grow so hey here's to moving on up~ lol sorry anyways today is a new day and I have such a gusty day so I'll check in later. Deuces. Jantihero signing off.

Jukkasjärvi - Lapland - Sweden (by imagea.org)

Quick thoughts

Happiness is never instant. But sadness is, it feels like. So many of us who don't work to keep our happiness as a backup have our safety nets constantly caught by surprise at it. Sadness however is a known quality. Never quantity, as some of us experience it more and more each day. As it relates to drug use however, happiness is mimicked but never truly replicated. And it leaves us back at the level of expecting sadness. How can we change to truly have and own our happiness? -- KP

This. This is what is taking a lot of time for all of us to learn (especially those of us in our family). We need to learn how to use our words properly.