It's been a year thank god I've never been better without you

I don't need to poison the well to watch you burn all the bridges you built

sometimes I hear about the funny things you do and I smile

looking at you now I realize I'm not really missing out on anything. maybe that sounds harsh, but for a long time I thought I got the short end of the stick when we ended things.

it's crazy, sitting here months later, seeing how the life I live now makes a thousand times more sense than all those lonely nights wondering if you even wanted to be with me. thanks for letting me go

what if we never understand each other? what if we remain angry forever?

When I first came back to town, you said you always had a feeling I would. I wonder if that's what felt right to say in the moment or if you actually held onto that feeling for the 3 years I was away? I don't know how long i'll be gone this time. But when I am back, I hope we don't meet for a drink again.

It's almost funny. Seeing you so desperate for attention, affection, connection. Acting out like a teenager and trying to be cool, relatable. I always thought we had so much in common. But aren't you tired? I know I am. How much easier would it have been if we just held each other closer back then?

You didn't wish me a happy birthday I sent you an early birthday gift, anyway

That's who we've always been

I guess I have nothing else to say to you. I'd just be repeating myself if I did. I have a lot of questions, of course. But I know you won't answer them. And I'm not sure the answers would change anything, anyway. Is this how it feels to give up?

I miss you But you weren't right for me It hurts to say it But this would have never happened if you were the one

I'm broken you broke us and then I shattered us into a million pieces and instead of buying a new plate, you said no, it's too late, I don't want to eat at the same table with you anymore I reserved a table for you, anyway, because I hoped you would show but you didn't you found a new restaurant

another letter to you

Seeing you again was hard. The last few times I tried reaching out, you didn't respond. You apologized and said it was too painful. I get it. It is painful. And I wanted to press, ask you what about it is painful? That you want to move on and I won't let you? That you still miss me but don't want to give me hope? That you still miss me and don't want to give yourself hope? That you can't have me in your life right now because I just remind you of everything that happened? Could it be that seeing me in pain brings you pain, too? Or that seeing me in pain forces you to think of the ways in which you caused this pain?

I want to ask you a lot of questions. You went out with her and said it was a distraction. That makes sense. You're going through a lot right now. But I wanted to ask why are you spending so much time with her when you had told me back then that you weren't close to her and didn't like her? Were you just trying to pacify me all those months ago? And if you were, why, when I was begging you for honesty? Did you think about how I'd feel when you posted a picture of her after our break up? Did you want to get back at me? Did it feel good? Or did I not cross your mind at all? Do you enjoy your time with her more than me? Do you speak to her about me? Do you tell her that you're over me? That I did you wrong? That you're heartbroken? Does she console you? Tell you that you did your best? Does your mom like her and say she is a nice girl, that you should go out with her? Do you finally see what I was so scared of? Do you still think it was all in my head?

Questions, questions, questions, but the answers will never suffice and I know that. So I didn't ask. I didn't ask do you ever wonder what it is I'm doing during the day? Do you ever wonder if we may be thinking about each other at the same time? Do you ever talk to me before you go to bed as if I were there and I could hear you? Do you ever dream of me? Are your dreams beautiful and do you wake up feeling the same ache as I do? Are you dreams terrible and remind you of why you made the right decision? Do you think you made the right decision? Are you holding onto any regrets? Do you want forgiveness? Do you want to make amends? Do you want to change for the better? Do you want to do it for me? Do you ever dream we get back together someday? Do you ever consider it in your waking moments? Do you wish I'd come back to town, just to see what happens? Do you wish you could fly to where I am?

It's been months. And seeing you again was all I wanted. And you said, many times, that you were happy I reached out and that we could talk. And I am so happy that you answered and we could talk. Because I love you and I miss you and I'm crazy and I'm attached and I'm heartbroken and I'm egotistical and I'm not a good person because I would do anything to keep you where I am. I am proud of you for doing so many new things in life, and also I am devastated that I am not there with you. I am grateful to everyone for supporting you during your time of need, and also I hate anyone who can be around you when I'm not. I hate to see you in pain, I wish I could take it all away, and also I want you to feel as badly as I am.

Our relationship wasn't perfect, it was absolutely shitty by the end of it, and it was all I ever wanted. I miss everything about you. I even miss fighting with you. After everything that's happened, after all the disrespect and dishonesty and neglect I have faced in this relationship, you are still on my mind from the moment I wake up to the moment I fall asleep, and the best and worst days are when I get to see you in my dreams.

I am so tired. I am so tired of being without you. I am so tired of not being able to give all this love to you. I am so tired of crying all the time, of giving into the memories and fantasies, of the anger I feel when I convince myself you've never cared. I am so tired, please I am so tired of being expected to be over you by now. How could I get over you? You are the greatest love of my life

And that's why ask you a single question. I won't ask anything at all. I can't know. I can't know because it will kill me

being without you hurts more than being with you, so what do I do now

I just want to sleep. my dreams are the only place I can see you I know it's not really you, but it's the closest thing I have

you stopped holding space for me long before we ended things knowing that doesn't actually make me feel any better, but it does bring me closer to accepting that I deserve someone who doesn't make me feel alone when all I tried to do was reconnect and show up

oh god I still miss you so fucking much

It's hard to accept that this is truly over that you're not thinking of me anymore and you're becoming someone I don't know