letters to a ghost #03

dear ****,

i’ve come to a realization today, maybe the space is doing me well. my friends are leaving, my life is changing and it will never be the same as it was yesterday. my parents are growing old, i won’t have them forever. no one is a guarantee. nothing is keeping me here, nobody, no place, nothing. not even my own life is guaranteed. this is not to say i’m optimistic and i suddenly want to make the most of whatever it is that i have. i feel grief over little things everyday. everyone thats leaving, you included. i guess the realization i’ve come to is that i don’t care if we’re friends and i don’t care if we’re anything more. i guess i want those things but they are not guaranteed. for that reason, letting go of you as i’m having to let go of other things, is just another little bit of grief i have to experience. i am in pain, i’ll be honest. there hasn’t been a day since we stopped talking that i’ve not cried and i feel myself throwing up a wall a little bit more everyday. i want to leave this place. i’ve come to think that maybe i don’t need you in my life as much as i want it. right now it will hurt if you find someone else but i will be happy for you if you’re able to finally be happy. not a day goes by where i don’t want to talk to you but maybe you’re right, maybe this is best. i’ve been having an ongoing thought and debate with myself if i love you. i’ve been questioning what it even means to love somebody. do i love you? i don’t know but sometimes i think i do. maybe it was just the attachment. can you love someone if you dislike a lot of who they are? i guess so, nobody is perfect. maybe love isn’t a list of reasons, i guess its more of a feeling, but to say i love you or loved you feels wrong. i think i have love for you. but even saying that feels wrong. would i feel this much pain everyday if i didn’t love you? when you said you loved me to an extent, did you mean that? or was it another one of your drunk lies? makes me wonder if i’m capable of being loved. makes me wonder if you’ll be capable of feeling love again.

i guess today my realization is that even if you find someone else and we end up never talking again, i just want you to finally be happy kid. i think i love you to an enough extent to say that.

letters to a ghost #02

Dear ****,

There’s a piece of my brain that longs for you. It’s like an itch that can’t be scratched. I don’t know how to describe it a lot of the time. I can talk to people to stop thinking about things, maybe I can even distract myself in some way. But at night, around ten or eleven there’s a call that my brain makes. It almost feels like a scream but I’m not screaming. I don’t want to say it makes my head feel like it’s going to explode but it feels like it’s burning. It’s like the tension you feel right before you get a headache or the feeling in your head when you stop yourself from crying. I’ve already said so many things one million times to you and I know you know that. I think to repeat myself is pointless, and it’s cliché even hearing myself say what I’m about to, but I can feel my heart aching to have you back here. I wish I could hear you laugh again. I wish that I could hold your hands in mine. I wish that I could hold your face between my hands again and rub my thumbs along your cheeks. I tell myself that I can move on if I just distract myself with people, places and things; sometimes people more than anything. I’ve tried talking to new people and I am somewhat happier in the moment when I do that, but in the silence and the little breaks between conversation, I just think about you. I think about so many stupid little insignificant things. I think about the movies that we watched, or we could watch, the ones we never got to watch. I think about your family and your cat. I think about your dimly lit bedroom and your creaky porch and your sink with two weird little faucets. I think about your car that had its radio stolen out of it and I think about the hum the engine makes. I think about how I felt every time I saw you when I opened my front door. I think about you in my lime green sweater and how it was the only sweater of mine you would wear; I think because it was the only one you found comfortable enough and I think about how my ex-boyfriend felt the same about that sweater. I have so many pictures of him in it to prove it. I think a lot about the past and the moments where we almost said goodbye and how much pain I felt trying to hold onto you. Letting go of a hug from you, scared it would be my last. I remember how the last hug I gave you felt, I think of it often and I think of how soft your eyes looked saying goodbye to me. I compare those feelings to what I feel now. How am I supposed to say goodbye to you when you aren’t even here to let go of?

letter to a ghost #01

Hey kid,

It’s hard, it’s been hard. It’s weird I feel so unlike how I’ve felt before when I’ve faced things like this. By things like this, I mean people leaving. I know you said that I would be happier without you and honestly maybe you’re right. I don’t question that finding somebody else and falling in love with somebody else would be easier. I don’t think it would be difficult to find somebody to love me, and yet every day when I come home, even if I feel a little bit happy from the interactions I’ve had that day, when it’s just me alone, I think about you. I keep staring at this painting above my head, envisioning that the fingers are moving, I don’t know why it reminds me of when I ran my fingers through your hair and massaged your head. I don’t know why when I look at this room, I picture you in it. I have your shirt that I haven’t washed and I sleep with it next to me because it still smells like you. I don’t know how you’re feeling over there, maybe you’re happier without me. I don’t doubt that you can be happy in life without me. It just makes me sad to think about it. I still think about the conversation we had quite frequently; you said you weren’t ready for a relationship, you said you didn’t want anyone, you didn’t want attachment, but you said yes, when I asked if you would date other people and no, you couldn’t love me at the moment. But you also gave me a maybe, as in maybe you could love someone else. If all those things are true, it means that you could date someone and you could fall in love with them, and they might actually be enough for you. At the root of it all, it just means that I wasn’t enough for you. I know you might say that I am enough and that it’s not my fault but if you’re capable of loving somebody else when you say you can’t, then it is my fault. I’m sure there’s been a trait or two of mine that have caused you to be unable to love me. I know how I wish I could change them. I keep talking to people about the situation and maybe that doesn’t help my case, but I don’t think anyone wants me to wait until August or until you return just to be rejected once more. I know I shouldn’t wait and honestly I probably won’t but I have this hope inside my heart that maybe you’ll change what you want and what you want will be me. I don’t doubt that you don’t know what you want in life. I know you need time alone to figure it out, but I do doubt you when you say being alone is what you want. I think we both know you’ll want someone and you’ll find someone and it won’t be me. I don’t think it will be and if that’s the case I hope you’re happy. But why does it break my heart to think about?

tell me this song isn’t dramione I dare you

If you see this

You were visited by the magic kitten of rest. Reblog to have a good night’s sleep.

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a short compilation of little zero two’s noises and incoherent baby speech 

I’m love him

Instagram doodles from today.

I don’t know how Scary Godmother became a lesbian icon, but I’m definitely here for it

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big heart energy

AESTHETIC: YOONGI EATING WHILE LOOKING AS DELICIOUS AS THE PIZZA 😋🍕

scarlet winged.♡