my horror holiday

idk even know why im writing this out in a fucking Tumblr post but I feel like I need to write this out so I will remember it. 

in very early October, my dad broached the topic of us going on holiday together and of course I was like yh sounds good. he talked about it in a way that suggested that we would kind of chill by ourselves and only really meet up for dinner or something at the end of the day. he seemed really excited about going and me and my dad aren’t close at all, so I guess maybe he thought it would be a way to bond? my mum mentioned that he was thinking that I could become his new “travel buddy” if the trip went well. so already I felt a bit of pressure to make sure it was fun for him.

as a extremely anxious person, the airport is not fun for me. the weeks leading up to the trip, I began to feel more and more nervous about going to the airport and even voiced this to some friends and also my mum in conversation. both times I brought it up with her, she kind of just dismissed the thought saying like “you’ll be fine”. on the day of our flight, we wake up extra early to get there and although im nervous everything goes very smoothly like customs and security and everything. when it comes to actually waiting until boarding opens up I begin to have to go to the toilet like once every couple of minutes to the point that I began to feel concerned. as soon as I feel like I am ill, it gets worse. I went to the pharmacy to get an immodium and in the line I begin to get so much more panicked by this super loud lady and just everything. I literally ran after buying it to the nearest bathroom because I thought I was going to be sick. luckily I wasn't, but it got to the point where I couldn't leave the toilets without thinking I was going to be sick - which I wasn't. eventually I called my mum and she called my dad and he texted me asking if I needed anything and I said yh a coke please. 

anyways, I start to calm down and he was actually quite reassuring surprisingly - reminding me to breathe and I was super impressed especially because my dad never deals with the fallout of my anxiety, it’s always my mum who does. we get through the flight and the first night there and everything is okay. 

the next day I was feeling still anxious from the airport and just general having to deal with being alive. at dinner, I was in a super crowded restaurant which was loud and we weren't even on the outskirts and I could tell I wasn't going to be able to eat. I was already having to go the toilet a couple of times because of me having to have anxiety shits lol. I voiced this to my dad when my meal come and I just couldn't eat it. we had an at length discussion about why and he seemed confused, almost appalled and at times even scolding. probably because he’s never seen me be anxious, even though he has he just didn't realise I was anxious at the time. anyway, we got a takeaway box and I got to eat my food in the hotel room. the whole time back at the hotel I could tell he was disappointed and kind of seething. I later got a text from my mum telling to “please try” to appease my dad by going out to eat, so I guess he was as annoyed as I thought he was.

the next afternoon, we had already went out for lunch (and I was okay ish!) and we were by the pool. I begin to head up to the toilet in our room, and he asks me to put his phone on charge and passes me his open phone. as I walk away I see his WhatsApp open and see the last message of his messages with my mum. I open the conversation to see him complaining about how many “fucking issues” I have to my mum and how I am on “a different spectrum to him” and how I should be in therapy - I HAVE BEEN ASKING FOR THERAPY FOR FOREVER.  when my mum tried to tell him that I would improve once I found my feet he told her that he “fucking doubts it”. my heart fucking sank.

I don’t know if this is relatable or not but im too embarrassed to ask my friends. Was anyone else like super super lonely during secondary school (high school) but wouldn’t tell anyone or confronted their friends so no one could do anything about it? I was always popular in school but barely anyone would include me in plans outside of school so I would be so lonely and sad and just kind of felt pathetic. But I was too nervous and non-confrontational to ever complain and if I did ever confide in a close friend - literally they’d be like “aww” and then wouldn't invite me out ever.

Dead Poets Society (1989) dir. Peter Weir

"Don't let the bastards grind you down"

Margaret Atwood, ‘The Handmaid’s Tale’

Anime

Does anyone have any suggestions for anime to watch for like a beginner? 

Is anyone else so essay-oriented but wants to be involved in STEM so bad? 

My favourite subjects are like History or English Literature but I would LOVE to do something like coding !!! I just hate actually doing it - I don't know if that makes sense 

if I hear ANYONE say some stupid shit like “2021 is going to be so good” I am shutting that DOWN. 

Taking no chances of someone jinxing it for the rest of us.

Celebrate the facts. Happy Black History Month! 

follow @the-movemnt

One time one of my coworkers was talking about his daughter (who was only 5-6 at the time) and how he was already worried about boys, etc. once she got older. He wasn’t one of those dads, who would quite literally hunt down a teenage boy with a shotgun over some backseat shenanigans. He was just a concerned dad.

He asked me what my dad used to do to scare all of the boys away from me, or to at least make sure they were good to me.

My answer?

Example.

My dad never once said, “Katie, if a boy hits you, make sure to bring him back here so I can make him pay.”

Instead, my kind, gentle-soul dad expressed anger and utter contempt for men who beat their wives (and vice versa), and has never in his life raised his hand against me or my mother.

My dad never once said, “Katie, don’t go out with a boy who’s rude to the waitress.”

Instead, my father has treated every single server we’ve had throughout my entire life (except the rare ones who were rude first) with respect and courtesy.

My dad never once told my brothers to get up and offer the pregnant lady their seat on the subway.

Instead he was the first one to stand up, and smiled proudly when his young sons copied him when 2 other women boarded.

My dad didn’t raise me to only make good decisions when he’s there looking over my shoulder. He showed me what to look for in a man, not by preaching at me or declaring that he was the perfect mold. But his treatment of others (esp women) is the foundation for my standards when it comes to men.

So, parents, you want to make sure all of those Bad Apples stay away? Step one is to demonstrate what a Good Apple looks like, up close and personal.

Because if you’ve taught your daughters to respect themselves enough to have high standards, there won’t be any need for you chase any Bad Apples away. Your daughter will take care of that for you.

2016 IS DEAD!

Buffy breast feeds Cody on Sesame Street (x)

This post may be the only interaction you and I have in our entire lives.

When ur friend say something in the groupchat but nobody on so u feel bad and respond so they not left hanging but then they decide not to respond to ur response and now you the one left hanging 

BEYONCÈ IS THE MOST GRAMMY NOMINATED WOMAN IN HISTORY, SHE DID THAT, A BLACK WOMAN DID THAT AND I’VE NEVER BEEN SO FUCKING PROUD