Seriously this has been fucking me up for ages ever since the episode came out Valentino just what the fuck is this supposed to be I need to know if this means we're going to see his live performances in future seasons this is genuinely driving me senile:

We know this is not just a private photo shoot he has laying around in the building. This is an actual promo being displayed in the streets of hell for random pedestrians to ogle at (smack dab next to a separate advertisement of his own employee which is certainly a choice), so we know this event most certainly not an exclusive one and is marketed directly towards the masses in hell. Which begs the question:

What the hell is this meant to promote??? We know it's a live performance, and since it's Valentino we can safely assume the performance is going to be at least somewhat sexual in nature but that still does not give us any inkling as to what he will be doing in said live performance?? Is he singing? Dancing??? I assumed it's not the latter because I think his pose would presumably not be comfortably sitting (just what the hell is he sitting on that does not look like a chair) with his ass front facing the camera, hand on his thigh if it's that kind of show.

The poster also sort of implies he is going to be preforming whilst wearing his pimp outfit which just makes the whole thing even more confusing on top of everything else. the fact that he's sitting with his ass front facing the camera, hand on his thigh in his pimp outfit in the first place is already sending mildly mixed signals but maybe that's just me personally. Disregarding the possible theory that Valentino used to preform similar shows to this before he became an overlord, what is a show like this meant to accomplish exactly? Is it a celebration of the past? A way to recruit new followers? More audiences for his film products? Or a marketing strategy for the general image of the Vees themselves? And if so why is Valentino sitting with his ASS FRONT FACING-——

human Valentino is dramatically getting himself bald and Velvette is being mentally well and physically coquette on the background

Personally speaking if I had to pick one rairpair out of the entire hellaverse I would want to see canon it would be Velvette x Verosica but man it is going to be the most lavish, fluffy, intensely intimate, passionate, rancid & disastrous 24/7 trending full blown shitstorm hell has ever seen I don't think anyone is going to be ready. Not even these two. Dear god especially not these two.

Man Verosica is just 2 for 1 on short gremlin kings who are also coincidentally emotionally constipated walking talking sacks of untreated mental illnesses wrapped up in 3 layers of intimacy issues isn't she but hey at least this one's pretty much guaranteed never to steal your credit card for horse riding lessons and most definitely won't be caught one ring down in wrath in the middle of fuck knows where with said credit card so.... yay improvement?

There's always something vaguely mesmerizing about Radiosilence x Voxval fics where hay-day vox is essentially trying to court both these people who are miles out of his league for their own separate reasons and you have Alastor who comes out of the whole experience like: " He is the most obnoxious, repulsive man I have ever had the displeasure of meeting my entire existence, mother warned me this would happen to boys like me in the big city. I shall never recover from this."

Smash cut to Valentino, currently giggling frantically in his bar stool, twirling his antenna like "Holy shit he's SO fucking sweet & nice to me. You've hit the jackpot now honey there ain't ever gonna be someone better."

Past life Human Vees (& Alastor's there too)

I have too many contradicting headcanons for each of them. Dumping them in the biscuit tin to hatch as we speak.

Liking Valentino as a character is excruciating because you're like ok, evil, awful rat bastard we do not feel sorry for him he's probably going to die. And then you see a really nice ship art online of Hazbin characters in their casual wear so you go oh that's really cute I wonder if there is a static moth equivalent and then the voice in the back of your head goes" Well Val doesn't own any casual wear technically " and it's like god damnit-

idk one thing about Hazbin is that: Since the plot is so jampacked and fast paced in order for them to move the story along they end up having to sometimes tweak aspects of a character's personality to better fit different parts of the narrative. All this is to say I love how Valentino's personality essentially is just whatever outfit he happens to be wearing in the current episode and Velvette's personality is just whatever hairstyle she has in the current hour.

THERE IS AN ACTUAL GODFORSAKEN 36 QUESTIONS MUSICAL PARODY SATICMOTH FIC ON AO3 I HAVE NEVER FELT MORE VALIDATED IN MY LIFE

i am *very* proud of this one hdsjgfdsj hope y'all enjoy!

Connecticut Vox

I think Velvette x Valentino & Alastor x Rosie are gradually becoming the only two relationships I care about in the Hazbin fandom at this point

YALL I HAVE A BIG QUESTION

YOU PUT THESE 4 IN A ROOM, WHO’S WALKING OUT CRYING, FIRST TO LAST

Sometimes I can sort of honest to god see the appeal of Radioapple. Just cause Alastor is like this random dude from New Orleans who dedicatedly needs to be recognised as an almighty force of nature while Lucifer is a literal child of god who has no idea what the fuck he's doing at this point and just want's his estranged daughters weird adoptive uncle with the buzz cut Karen bob to stop yelling in his face and calling him short like you would at a rabid dog trying to steal your taco on the side of the road at 2:00 am.

Me: Cannot waste time on unproductive and vague, barely correlating to canon speculations anymore. From hence forth there needs to be solid factual evidence and logical deduction before considering even the possibility of a character theory and- Also me: I think Alastor reminds Vox of his mother.

"Gentlemen, my fellow whites"

We need capitalist Vox jokes I simply can’t function without everybody’s favorite babygirl CEO committing mass atrocities against humanity 💔/j

Gentlemen, my fellow whites, let’s raise a glass to this pyramid of money. The foundation of which was built upon our favorite pastime: Fucking the poor!

Genuinely. legitimately struggling to think of a Vox that would have loved his hypothetical wife actually (*tears out hair). Like I don't even think he had the emotional capability of realizing it was an actual feasible option back then. Or even long afterwards, for that matter.

head canon oriented but sometimes I do wonder what a passive aggressive conversation/argument about motherhood between Valentino & Alastor would be like