Lmao you’re an adult, you shouldn’t be using the word squick. Use trigger. Use your grown up adult words to explain how you feel instead of leaning on a cutesy uwu term that no one outside of tumblr uses. It’s embarrassing.

Idek if this is serious or ironic honestly

Sometimes I think that nothing I do is enough. No matter how much I investigate, work and study I always fall too short, flunk and stumble about like a fish out of water. It happens in my day to day life constantly. It's something that I have struggled with since I was but a child and even then I always felt like a disappointment to everyone around me as well as myself.

I can't human the way other do, no matter how much I try it always comes out clanky, just too off and painfuly weird. I get looks by just being myself but it gets worse if I try to interact like a human for a while and then revert back to myself. I am barely tolerated as I pretend to human jet as soon as I quiet down and become myself I can feel the way others are uncomfortable around me and how I'm just something that's off, something wrong in their life.

It eats me up inside. I fill my head with insecureites, my stomach with dread and claws at my nerves. I am not enough. Yet I am too much. I am nothing more than an Unwanted guest in the lives of others, no matter how much I try.

In my previous job I thought I had made friends. I really thought we were close and could continue being friends once I left that job. I did what I could to try and interact with them, I went out of my way to talk to them fighting off my anxiety and dread. But it should not have surprised me that they preferred my best friend over me. It was something that has happened before, as they are a wonderful person that knows how to interact with others and has more likes that are common and known by others than me. It happened before, I was and still am a second choice next to my bff. I don't blame them they are my bff for a reason yet it hurts. It hurts like someone has taken a knife and plunged it to my chest and is slowly carving my heart out. Even after all these years of practice of knowing I will never be the first choice either as a friend or a partner it still hurts. It still feeds my insecurities and drowns me in rejection. It's the tinder to the flames of my self hate. It carves at my brain and digs into my depression feeding it these reoccurring insecurities that keep being re affirmed time after time.

Yet even if I try to interact with others alone it doesn't change the feeling of me being other. I don't know how to human. I am terrible at keeping contact and talking to others as I feel as if I am too much and don't want others to be bothered by me.

I wish I was content with the fact that I have a small group of very close friends. I used to be content with that, they are good people and they care for me as I do for them yet recently I've been feeling empty. I've been feeling the loss of not being loved as easily by others like my bff.

I've always wanted to be loved in my entirety. I wanted someone to look at me and through me and see that I am broken, scarred, terribly flawed and still fall in love with me in my entirety. Someone that will want to take care of me the way no one else ever had. Someone who will be my partner and support as I bumble my way through life as I am theirs. I just want to be loved. Loved the way they do in books and movies. In their entirety no matter what.

It's something that knocks my breath away out of the blue. It's an ache that makes itself known randomly only to have the ache pulse dully against my entire being as if it's a drug the my body craves even though it's not something I've ever had before.

It used to bring me comfort that even tho I will be alone I have my friends. But it doesn't anymore. So, I am trying to come to terms with the fact that I will be alone in life again. That I am too much and not enough. That I am strange, weird and off putting. That I don't like anything. That all I like is bad, strange and weird. That I can't talk to people. That my personality is violent, grating, blunt and terrible. That I act like a mother to others but not enough to be seen as someone who cares so deeply that I am constantly droning in my emotions. That I am nothing more than a place holders for others and a skipping stone for the rest. That I am so much that my bff is my handler. That everyone goes to them instead of me to talk about me. It burns at me, it feels me with sorrow and rage that others are afraid of me or pity me or whatever they think that they prefer to go to my bff as if I am just a wild animal they can play with but anything of importance had to be passed through my handler ad they are the one that have the power.

I need to be fine with being unloved.

I need to be fine with being treated like I am a monster that is being kept by my handler.

I need to learn that I will never be enough for anyone, including myself.

I have to learn to stop wanting more...

I just want to be loved.

Like they do in books

Like in the movies

Hi, so I'm not an expert or anything remotely close to that but i do suffer from dissociation episodes and im pretty sure im autistic. In my case i do tend to talk to myself when im alone, like full conversatioms and debates as if im talking to other people. Those debates tend to echo in my mind for days on end and add up to the other 'conversations' i have with myself. As I think that during those debates i think of the conversatiom being between two versions of me (like my brain is on version of me and i am the other but at the same time i am the same being?)

I struggle to to identify as anything really, especially when asked to introduce myself as i dont believe that wjat i enjoy and any hobbies i have are actually something i enjoy. Like i constantly doubt my self. Do i really enjoy art? Or is it just something im moderatly good at? Is reading something i do for fun? Or is it the only socially appropriate form of dissociation? Am i actually autistic? I have so many self doubts as i feel to jot be a person just a being trying to fool the rest of humanity into thinking i am one of them and constantly failing.

Disassociation happens daily if im bored or if i want to kill a bit of time, nothing to big. But on the other hand there are times where i feel myself fading or being pulled under from the now and the world slowly blurrs at the edges. I only realise ive been absent once i snap back into my consciousness spot (like i feel my consciousness and entire being is in the middle of my forhead). In those cases i feel fuzzy as if i woken up from a unprompted nap.

Then there's the strong dissociation episodes. The ones that yank you forcefully under even thought i gight them they eventually win. It feels like someone is draping a heavy blanket over me and draging me under against my will. Once i return from those i feel lost amd unsure of where, what and who i am.

Other time im just existing when i get hit with this intense feeling and suden awareness the makes my soroundings seem fake. It comes over me from the inside out this gut feeling that i dont know what i am and that i am a fake an unreal creature wearing this human body trying and failing to do the human things.

The sudden realization that i dont know who I am. That everything ive erver done and will ever do is a not real and wont matter. Sometimes i would look at myself in the mirror wouldn't assimilate the person staring back as me. Because if i dont know who i am then how is that human me?!

Sorry for the long rant. Ive never been able to express these thoughts before, and they eat at me. I hope this helps, even if it doesn't clear up any of your confusion it at least shows that you're not alone struggling with similar thoughts and feelings

okay, this is me specifically asking people with dissociative disorders, because it's been bugging me for years but i've never felt the courage to say it because it might sound stupid

i am someone that hasn’t been through early childhood trauma. the first traumatic experiences i can recall are being bullied between 2008-2012 (social exclusion and emotional/verbal abuse, from ages 8-ish to 13, as well as parents with insane expectatives until age 18). i can barely recall events from before that, mostly because of memory repression and a combination of depression and autism (i believe?)

so i'm someone that doesn’t have a strong sense of self. i am aware of the things i like, and i can describe myself, but aside from that, i don't really have a solid sense of identity you could say. I've always wanted to be someone else, preferably someone who doesn’t have to deal with this baggage of trauma and mental health problems

because of that i'm really bad at introducing myself to others besides saying my name, age, and where i'm from. i do have a lot of social anxiety, but i feel like me being bad at identifying what makes me myself and talking about myself could be different things

i have also been doing this thing for years (probably a decade or more), in which, when i'm by myself, i "shift" into another identity and act like i'm another person, as in changing my voice, my mannerisms and behavior, you get it. very often i find myself talking to a fake audience, like i'm broadcasting what i'm doing. this has grown into these personas having their own names and identities, which i perceive as being stronger than my actual identity sometimes

i don't recall having ever dissociated, not even under very stressful situations. i don't exactly know what dissociation or depersonalization feel like, but i do ocassionally zone out and feel like i'm just a brain controlling a body, periods during which i kind of stop thinking and/or attention to my surroundings, and after which i feel confused. sometimes i also feel slightly disoriented and distracted as well

i have no idea if this has a name, or if this is just a way for me to cope with my depression and my traumatic experiences, in which i have become my imaginary friends in a way (i used to have imaginary friends while i was being bullied, but i no longer think i have them?)

if someone knowledgeable could tell me if what i've been experiencing is an actual thing that happens, i would be incredibly thankful. i have thought of bringing this up to my psychiatrist and my therapist, to see if they know if there’s something truly wrong with me