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Baby gear, in 12 steps
There is so much STUFF for parents, and what is necessary available seems inversely proportional to how little the kid is. That’s because (I imagine) we are weaker with lack of sleep and nerves in the early days and will shell out the big bucks at 2am for a new swaddle that promises two more easy naps or a baby carrier you can put on with one hand.
This second time around I’m more familiar with the gear we have already, prefer, and need. But don’t worry - we still come up with the challenges of baby gear-ing, which typically follow this path:
Identify the need - what do you or baby need - way to tote baby hands free? Exciting entertainment for blossoming minds? Bottles that fit the bill to reduce spit up?
Do the research - spend hours on blogs, reviews and consulting with friends. Skip this step and go to 4 if you already own
Purchase - get excited that all your problems will soon be solved.
Time the execution - when do you need that need swaddle or car seat or newborn pillow? How about in 10 minutes when your baby has a meltdown? Great. Now is perfect.
Scan the instructions - you get the gist. Or you think you remember from 4 years ago. How hard could this be?
Put it together - or rather, attempt to. Wow your child is really screaming now!! How come it isn’t looking like the picture?
Watch a demo - frantically scour YouTube for someone wiser than you demoing the product use. It’s making sense but you can’t seem to move fast enough under pressure.
Bring in the child - put them in the new bouncer / sling / baby carrier / car seat / stroller / high chair.
Observe results - nope, your child is having none of it. You’ve taken too long and there is no way they are getting soothed by [this item].
Remove child - pick them up, soothe them and apologize for your terrible attempt at putting together an item for their comfort.
Document errors - where did you go wrong? Was it the strap or the little pillow or… ?
Resolve to try tomorrow - until then, stash everything in a sad little heap in the corner of the room. It will wait.
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And now we have two
It’s been over three years and one global pandemic since my last post, and now we have a 4 1/4 year old and a 5 week old. Welcome, baby P! This round has been totally different than my first - dare I call it smoother? Chalk it up to experience, hubris, or just the challenges of keeping up with preschooler energy and a newborn’s feeding schedule - both nonstop.
Not that I’d call it easy. I’m tired, don’t get me wrong, but it’s such a helpful age gap in that our firstborn M doesn’t require the same intensive level of parenting as a baby. I’ve even devised a few games he’s been loving as I’m in an armchair breastfeeding. Also, what a pleasure to be able to use baby gear without having to decipher instructions under duress (except that baby wrapping, that information has totally left my brain). Plus, I’ve had over 4 years of my own sleep training as a parent, so it wasn’t a total shock to go back to nighttime wakings.
On a more personal note, I’ve pondered that being second time mom is full of contradictions: you want to rush things because you know how fun and awesome things will get it when the baby is a little bit older and you know what fun things can do things together, especially now as a bigger family. At the same time, you know how quickly time passes so you want to be in the moment and stare at their tiny bald heads forever, because they’re not going to be so little for very long. I’m reminded to cherish this tender newborn phase, and each one to follow.
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And now we are one
Last Monday Baby* turned one year old. All weekend I recapped where we were a year ago: “Now is when we were watching Parks and Rec and cleaning the house! Now we went to the hospital... for the first time. Now we went to the hospital... for the second time. Now Mama got an epidural!”
There’s nothing new under the sun in my reflections: where did a year go? How did my baby triple in size and multiply in independence and comprehension? How on earth were we able to keep him surviving in those early weeks? How did I go back to work at 4 months? Who is this awesome lil dude with all the jokes and hot takes? I confess I got very nostalgic, and looked back at the little bean pictures, when he was barely opening his eyes. And I see some of his expressions there I see today.
“The nights are long but the years are short,” other parents tell me. That definitely rings true. I’m most struck by how you get to know this new person, and even while they keep changing, gaining teeth and words and dislikes of spinach, they are always becoming more THEM. And while you’re getting expertise as a parent (because lord knows you needed it, starting out with nothing), what you’re actually doing is becoming an expert in this little person, and trying to set the right medley of support, gratitude, challenge, discipline, and celebration as they make their way in the world.
Thank you to Baby, who tolerates his parents learning on the job and doing their best. Looking forward to many, many more celebrations. Also, he totally loved the frosting on his carrot cupcake and then wouldn’t fall asleep for an extra hour so there was a parent learning about sugar before bedtime.
via GIPHY
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*I guess I should stop calling him Baby??! Almost Toddler? Will work on it.
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Dog or Baby?
Two years ago this week we picked up a 2.5 month old rescue pup we named Zadie. She’s a pretty odd duck for a dog, absolutely loving, neurotic (fears grates and tarps) and not a fan of being alone. And yet we adore her. It’s a cliche, but having a puppy was good for some conditioning for a baby: there was getting up in the middle of the night for her bathroom breaks, training, wondering if she would be okay at the dog park... etc. Then - almost a year ago - we had a baby! Now there were two dependents in our household. A year later, who’s coming out ahead?
Food
Well at first Baby was all breast milk/formula and Dog could care less. But now the Baby has graduated to eating solids on his own, and Zadie is ecstatic. He will sometime throw things he doesn’t like like chicken (chicken!!) onto the ground, or they will just miss his mouth. Plus, he leaves a little trail of Cheerios as he feeds himself. This development is the best thing that could have ever happened to Zadie. She has gained 2 pounds at least I think in the last month, and she will rouse herself from her warm couch to perch under the high chair while he eats. Baby’s getting fed and loving it, but Dog is definitely winning.
Poop
Ahh! Parenting is so much poo maintenance. I’ve heard rumors of some kids taking 1 or less poop a day but we often get three. The dog also averages at least one. I don’t need to provide much more detail but some days it feels like we’re like that triceratops scene in Jurassic Park so let’s call it a tie.
Walks
Dog loves walks. Running, chasing squirrels, hounding cats, perusing smells. Baby... tolerates them? He kind of goes into his own world and starts babbling a bit while I natter on narrating the trees and cars, etc. We do go on many more since Baby’s birth, so that’s a win for Zadie.
Toys
Quick - those blue items below: which is a dog toy and which is a baby toy? Yeah? It’s hard for them to tell too. Zadie’s toys are right next to her bed in a little basket and Baby wanders over when he’s feeling naughty to peruse forbidden fruit. And the Dog, if we don’t pick up well enough, has been known to put his toys by the front door with the clear intention that she could have destroyed them if she wanted (once or twice, she has). But, Baby’s toys are replicating quickly and getting more sophisticated. So he wins this round.
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Never will I ever
Parenting is an exercise in hubris. If you’ve ever been at a crowded restaurant, quiet library, or boarding aircraft, and thought to yourself, “Wow, look at *that* kid” - guess what! You’re almost certainly going to be the parent of that child. Or a new terror you haven’t even imagined.
It’s already only been 10 months of parenthood, and already T and I have broken several bonds we made to one another. To wit:
My kid won’t be snot-nosed. False! When babies get a cold, they don’t use tissues. They use you! Your shoulders and shins become his personal handkerchiefs. And you’ll chase them around with a Kleenex, or if you really want to, you can try the Swedish snot-sucker (a torture device, according to my kid). Eventually, you’ll see the the snot dry on his little nose and know you tried. You sure did try.
My kid won’t know screens. Well, we’ve done this partially. We don’t watch tv in front of him and he still hasn’t enjoyed the pleasures of Daniel the Tiger or Frozen or Moana, etc etc. But we do FaceTime with his grandparents and aunt and other family, and take pictures, and play his favorite Peter and the Wolf tunes. In weak moments I show him pictures or... gasp!... video of himself which, vain baby that he is, he adores and sometimes will try to kiss. I’m hoping we’re still in the safe zone for screens - even if he grabs our phones every chance he gets.
My kid won’t get bribed by food. Lies lies lies!! The second he could pincer grip Cheerios in his tiny baby fingers, the second he got them in his high chair, stroller, and yes, even car seat. We have a kid car now. When he fusses I will pass him a snack and it makes us all happy.
My kid will know and respect “no.” Nope. Not yet, anyway.
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Truly yours, your biggest fan
It has been six teeth, one crawling milestone and four words since I last wrote*. Plus the holidays and end of year work wrap up, general crazy time of year. This month Mr. Baby is 9 months, which I have seen referred to as a 9 months in-9 months out milestone. (Is that clever or gross?)
What we ended up weathering just around the holiday season was an unholy combination of some upper molar teething and a wonder week leap**. I think I’ve described wonder weeks before but briefly it’s a book based on anthropologists’ human baby research (formerly primate focused) that outlines these key cognitive and physical leaps that infants take in a first year and a half of life. Thing like observing patterns and cause and effect, all which result in poor sleep and crabby behaviors.
Baby’s last leap was about sensing patterns. It’s when he realizes that when someone leaves the room they leave. It was the beginning of my stage 5 clinger.
This period which went on for about two weeks. It was kinda sweet at first: aw, someone loves mom. Then, it became clear someone was OBSESSED with mom. I would put him down in the floor to do well, anything really: make dinner or wash my face or walk across the room. Wails. Big ones. It was like an IRL “Stan”: my baby, my stalker.
We’re much better now; he’s a little more chill about us hanging separately. Which is a relief because my sore shoulder from touting him about can use the relief. Plus, stage 5 clingers are so not cool.
*DA (dad), DA (dog), MA (yours truly), MAH (more)
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Let’s talk about poop, baby*
There’s an immediate trade off when you start feeding your child solid foods, or rather mushy versions of porridge, fruit and vegetables we eat as adults. It sure is fun to put Baby in a high chair and watch the look of shock and then delight and then demand as he gets used to his oatmeal porridge and sweet potato. The trade off happens in his diaper, and if the title of this post didn’t clue you in, you may not want to read on if you’re eating, or, who knows, not interested in the minutiae of infant digestion.
Once babies start eating adult food their poo turns from soft, mustard like consistency to, well, smaller versions of what you know of as human waste. And boy, oh boy, it takes some getting used to. It’s smellier. And messier. And harder to clean. And Baby himself sometimes now gets constipated which is mostly upsetting and only slightly funny.
The best part of baby poo is that even as a first time parent you can rest easy. Because when you google baby poo, THERE IS NO NORMAL. Once a week? Ok. Four times a day? Sure! Reddish from carrots? You got it. Only color to watch out for as far as I can tell is white.
Even our handy dandy app has got in the game. What game is this? A new one where you and your spouse text poo descriptions to each the other during the day, and these are your top three emojis used 💩💩😳
*the alternate titles here are legion. Cleverer people than I could really run with it. Others include:
What we talk about when we talk about poop
All you wanted to know about poop but were afraid to ask
Poop of many colors
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This is the Night: the original cast album
Live streaming every night.
Lullaby instrumental strings
Dinner, Twitter & TV subdued duet
TRASH PANDAS ATTACK EDM track based on dog barking at raccoons
Wailin’ solo ballad
Tossing, Turning, Boring Podcasts avant-garde jazz piece
Wailing (reprise) solo ballad, with orchestra
(I’ll Pretend I) Didn’t Hear That mournful country tune
Wailin’: This Time, It’s Morning angry rock
Coffeetime perky pop tune
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No sleep till...???
I just reminded myself of “Maslow’s hierarchy of needs,” and there it is at the very bottom (IE MOST IMPORTANT): rest. Many times in the last few a months I have been reminded how sleep deprivation is a form of torture. Illegal in almost all developed nation states, except the state of parenthood.
Baby is six months as of last week! And I still haven’t had a full night’s sleep since he’s been around. You know, even when they talk about baby “sleeping through the night” it’s really at least eight hours. Given that his bedtime is seven pm, that would be 3am. But that would be fine. Awesome. I dream of it.
I am going to mention something controversial in the world of new parents, which is sleep training. Also known as cry-it-out, or controlled crying, it’s the process by which you teach/allow (word selection matters here peeps) your baby to fall asleep. And then stay asleep.
We got the go ahead for sleep training at the four-month pediatrician appointment, based on his growth and alertness (I think?). Four months was the earliest I had seen in my reading (and o, have I done reading) but then the following three nights we spent two hours bouncing Baby to sleep with him crying in our ears. So we decided to give it a shot.
The process is: you create a nice nighttime routine for baby, then put them to bed awake. Then they cry and you come in and soothe them at key intervals until they fall asleep.
Doesn’t that sound easy on paper? Depends on your threshold for hearing your baby cry. Keep in mind some babies cry so hard they throw up.
We had it pretty medium. Baby cried the most the first time, half that the second night, and then went to sleep in ten minutes after.
And what a world it was after that. We could relax in the evening, not just recover after the bouncing on the exercise ball for hours and hours. Like we were watching a tv show! Eating dinner together! Whee!
Then we repeated the process a few weeks later with naps and life became even more easy. He falls asleep so easily now! Not 100% no crying every night but wow, like magic compared to before.
Of course, this doesn’t solve the problem of middle of the night wakings. At least not yet. I still feed him 1-2 times, but we broke all the rules when he was teething the other week. And he still just wakes up and stirs a few times a night. Just last weekend we moved him to his own room - I know, we are doing it at six months but the college of pediatricians recommends room sharing up to ONE YEAR which, wow. Since then he once slept til FOUR IN THE MORNING. But that has been once, and I confess I woke up at 2am because I am so used to it.
So how does the lack of sleep manifest in me? I’m constantly seeking for a word in my sentence I can’t remember. I am quicker to anger. Sometimes I feel like I’ve had a beer on an empty stomach without eating. I make cryptic to do lists EVERYWHERE. And I dream of that uninterrupted sleep, with what little REM sleep I do get.
And I also remember this will change too. Maybe I’ll forget it for me, but shouldn’t forget that we are walking among you, the waking sleepers.
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The terrible two teeth
Do you know about Mercury retrograde? If you’re not someone with a passing interest/belief in astrology, perhaps you don’t know that Mercury, the planet that (like the Greek god) oversees communication and contracts and messages. When the planet goes retrograde, chaos reigns. Things going squirrelly - packages not arriving, email snafus, travel disasters? Check if Mercury is retrograde.
Well, we just survived our first two teeth, and I have to say, teething is like Mercury for babies. Please check if your baby is embodying one, all, some or none of these characteristics:
fussy
having trouble sleeping
yelling in pain
eating oddly
gumming everything
drooling like a faucet*
more clingy
less clingy
sneezy
coughy
Also if two new teeth pop up. Parenting hack: that’s a real tell.
Baby had been drooling and putting things (fabric, my hands, his feet, glasses, the dog’s ear, anything really) in his mouth for over a month now, but it was really in the two few weeks that things escalated and he looked really angsty about it. His eyes would water and he would whimper - at least during the day. At night, it was all screams, approximately once an hour. Apparently, babies can be tricked into forgetting their pain during the day, when you distract them with your riotous reading of “Chicka Chicka Boom Boom” and amazing block tower building skills.
At night though, Baby is very aware that there are BONES coming through his MOUTH and WHAT HORROR MOVIE IS THIS? MOTHER AND FATHER WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO HELP ME???
What did we do about it? Well, we woke up. We held him. We tried to sleepily squirt an adorable syringe of the correct amount of baby Tylenol into his little mouth, which was cherry-flavored and Baby proceeded to spit up promptly. And I fed him, every hour. This went against all the sleep patterns we had been establishing in the last few weeks but it’s just the right thing to do when he is the saddest baby in the world.
Now we have two new little bottom teeth, and a baby who is very wary of us putting our hands in his mouth. Because now he wonders: what sort of devilry will happen next?
Stay tuned for next week’s hard-hitting expose on the results of trying to pick up good sleep habits after our teething episode.
*Fun fact on drool: apparently there are antibacterial properties in the drool which is important because baby’s gumming just about everything.
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Gamification of parenting
I had a MOM’S NIGHT OUT last night which is an obnoxious term but I wear it proudly. I went to hot springs, had a massage and a delicious dinner with my best friend in the big mean city. It was fantastic. When answering the “how are things REALLY” question I realized that now - exactly five months since Baby was born - things are getting easier. Like they aren’t easy by a long shot, but it’s the kind of hard that you feel like you can work on, rather than the insurmountable hard of the very early days.
It’s the absolute opposite of any video game I’ve ever played, where you get this introductory level where the stakes are very low and you get to explore the nice pretty surroundings, learning from a little elf or fairy who guides you on your joystick moves, telling you what you can kill and eat.
Instead, the early days of parenthood are meeting the BIG BOSS immediately, no stars in your bank, no health, and having to learn all the moves immediately. You have a partner, but it’s a two player game, not one, so you both are in there flailing, getting crushed by a little wrinkled bean you underestimated.
Happily we’ve moved on to more predictable levels, although from what I understand from my other parent friends, the second you think you understand your turf, the rules all change.
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Fun with a baby
Did you ever read “Highlights” in a dentist’s office when you were a kid? There was a motto on the front: ‘Fun with a purpose.’ Now I’ve always been a good reader (coughs gently) but I always remember the motto as ‘fun with a porpoise.’* I couldn’t understand why there would be a magazine dedicated to such a niche topic, or why the content inside was so light on marine mammals.
That segue is neither here nor there but probably the best illumination of my poor little tired mind that is trying its best to fire synapses and make connections without enough sleep. It’s okay, mind. We’ll get through this together.
Fun with a baby, no porpoises invited: How does it happen? Is it possible? Here are some winning entries in our relatively brief experience:
1. Breweries. For some reason bars don’t encourage you to bring your under 21-year old pre-crawling infant which is just fine as you probably wouldn’t want to them to cramp your after hours style anyway. Let’s be real, you and the baby are both asleep at 7:30 if things are working out. No, the place to grab a drink is a brewery, which does accept babies and children, for some specific legalese that I’m too lazy to look up. Fun can be held by all: brews and food trucks for the parents, perhaps a nap in a stroller and some play time for the babe. This is the best case scenario of fun! But you must take into account that after 2.5 hours you’ll probably all turn into pumpkins if you don’t go home. (This goes for most activities.)
2. Walks. Do you consider walks fun? You may soon! At the end of the day when Baby is a bit crabby and still could use one more quick nap we all haul out and wander the neighborhood. The dog is delighted by this development. A walk with the whole darn pack every day! The adults get exercise, Baby gets out and dog gets to scamper on driveways and try to take down squirrels. We are lucky enough to live in a flat, picturesque neighborhood close to a beach. And we have taken so many walks recently that I’m able to comment knowingly (and yes, judgmentally) on my neighbors’ landscape choices.
3. Meet ups in the park. For friends with kids, there’s a wide age range we have, from 4 months to 4 years. We’ve found that meeting up for a picnic in the park by a playground meets the needs of the active young child who wants to play on slides (their kids) and the wriggling lump who is doing his best to roll and sit (ours).
Experiences that have not proven as fun:
Street festivals: they are very loud.
BBQs (at least Baby’s first one): smoke gets in your eyes.
*I am not alone!!
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Sounds that are TOO LOUD when you have a baby
AKA a list of things I have cursed in the last few months:
Trucks
Motorcycles
Teens with their LOUD MUSIC riding bikes
The squeaky part of the wood floor right by his bassinet in your 100 year old house
The shower
Getting any pan out to make something
The dog suddenly seeing a cat outside and needing to bark
The dog dropping its bone on the ground (over and over, really Zadie??)
Fire trucks (I am a bad person)
Ambulances (I am a really bad person)
The beeping sound for sight accessibility when you cross the street (seriously, the worst person)
Kind people who want to talk about your baby when you respond by mime
Crows
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The unbearable lightness of being (without your baby)
It’s been almost two weeks since I went back to work - full time. The last almost-four months with Baby have been surreal, to be sure, and it’s even stranger to be back here at the ol’ desk. When I think about it I’ve actually been working for over 10 years now (12, if you’re counting). That’s a far, far greater time than I have been a mother. So there’s actually something easier about slipping into the world of meetings and agendas and conference calls. And, to be quite honest, there are some elements that are nice: eating lunch with two hands. The ability to run to the bathroom whenever I want. There's a lightness, one that ultimately translates into something feeling like it is profoundly missing.
Just stepping out into the world without your baby when you have been so close to him for so long is bizarre. The other weekend before I went back to work I went to the city for a friend’s 30th birthday drinks. I pumped my milk, put the baby for a nap, brushed my hair, even put on some freaking red lipstick and went out into the big bad city. And I felt like such a fraud! I was riding in an Uber pool with some other fun city dwellers and was like, “I AM NOT LIKE YOU! I AM A MOTHER NOW AND I DON’T BELONG IN THIS DAY DRINKING, SWIPING RIGHT, HEDONISTIC CITY!”
In fact, I was thinking they should just make some sort of physical signifiers for new parents in the world. In Japan when school children go out they all wear something the same, like fluorescent green hats. Maybe I could wear one so people would understand when I run into the curb with my car and stare for too long at the granola options in Trader Joe’s. Being pregnant is such a signifier - people know. They can TELL. (And often, they’ll give you sweet and/or unwelcome advice!) But all I look like is a slightly frazzled lady with bags under her eyes and a dazed expression. How are people supposed to know they should ask me about my baby, so I can provide a rambling answer?!
Sigh. I know I will just continue to feel better and worse about this, essentially for the rest of my life. Today I take comfort in the fact that this is something that Serena Williams and I share in common.
https://t.co/s2PVSIsFgX pic.twitter.com/tdhIf8zEI8
— Serena Williams (@serenawilliams) August 6, 2018
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My baby is three months twenty-one days which is suspiciously the length of time I haven’t had a full night’s sleep
— Kristina M. (@kmodes) July 29, 2018
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Big pumping
WELL we survived three days of work (me) and paternity leave (T and the Baby). It was rough, and then it got better, and I feel like we are all doing great (except for the sleep thing!!).
When I was pregnant, the number two thing that was said to me (after “get your sleep now”) was when recent moms would take me aside and say, “Get ready: breastfeeding is so hard.” Of course I thought foolishly, “how hard could it be? We are all here because our ancestors all figured it out.”
Well, they were right. It was hard. Really hard. Not that I think we could have done anything differently because of the advice but we definitely had some rocky moments getting Baby’s weight up and feeding him. Then about eight weeks in it clicked and it has been going really well.
Now with the end of maternity leave to keep the proverbial feeding ball a’rolling, I am entering a phase of pumping at work. This process is tedious and strange but it’s worth it because I feel like I’m able to provide something for my baby when I’m not actually with him, and also I’m able to keep feeding him when I get home.
The cost of this is every three hours at work I shut my door (thankful for my own office), shut the blinds and turn on my hospital-grade pump for 20 minutes. I debated a long time what the sign on the door should be. I didn’t want one of these as I really don’t my coworkers associating me with a milk cow*.
During this time I am able to write and read emails, call in to conference calls and webinars and read. I am not able to be in person meetings and have already had to step out of meetings at key times and found myself staring at my reflection wearing a demonic device in a hotel gym bathroom.
Am I as satisfied as that woman below? Is that what having it all looks like? There is an argument that breastmilk is better not only nutritionally (marginally?!) but also because it is “free.” I appreciated this Atlantic article by Hanna Roisin that pointed out it’s only free if you think women’s time is not worth anything;
Let’s say a baby feeds seven times a day and then a couple more times at night. That’s nine times for about a half hour each, which adds up to more than half of a working day, every day, for at least six months. This is why, when people say that breast-feeding is “free,” I want to hit them with a two-by-four. It’s only free if a woman’s time is worth nothing.
And still it’s worth it to me. For now I head home with a small cooler full of precious precious liquid that represents a physical embodiment of the new space I have to live between work and mom.
*I went with a generic “do not disturb please!”
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