Why are you so angry?

My job has been a nightmare. I hate my father-in-law. I barely see/talk to my friends anymore because everyone is busy. I can't afford to live anywhere else. I feel trapped, voiceless, and living the same life as I lived for the last 4 years. No growth, no good changes. Only bad. I'm going to be 33 in 5 days and I feel like a complete failure. I should have accomplished more at my age, but I fucked it all up because I stupidly didn't want to leave my comfort zone when I was 17/18 years old. I hate myself. I hate everything. I'm miserable. No way out.

"How are you feeling? Doing okay?"

"Oh sure, just realizing how little I matter to people I'd cross oceans for. Realizing that I'm not as high on the priority list as I thought. Realizing I'm just a floater friend, people only talk to me and hit me up when it's convenient for them. I'm nobody's best friend. I overexaggerate my importance in everyone's life so I end up hurting myself." *deletes paragraph* "Doing alright, you? :) "

Finally got the shirt...was sent the wrong size. I asked for a small. Like...six times whether it was in text or a video call. Yet I got a medium. I feel like this was done on purpose. There's no fucking way this wasn't just a simple mistake. Do you really not give a shit about me? Do you seriously not care about me, my wants, anything I say? I really feel like the stupidest most ridiculous person to walk the earth for gassing up your band, yet you and your band treat me like I'm nothing. Everybody else who buys shirts from ya'll gets the sizes they want, yet when I ask for one...I'm deliberately given the wrong size. I'm so fucking embarrassed. "I promise I’ll send you one this week, I’ll get one while I’m here♥" "I’ll send another one I promise." Oh shut the fuck up. No the fuck you won't. You forgot to take one home when you had practice on Saturday. You're not going to give me a new one until like 3 months from now because you'll be too busy for me. Distracted. Agitated. You're gonna "forget." And by the time you do fucking remember, there won't be any left. So I'll have to settle for something I didn't want. Whatever.

Fuck me and my wants and needs.

You know what's bullshit?

Your band got new t-shirts in fucking NOVEMBER and I've asked you several times since then where to send the money so I can get a fucking shirt too, but I got blatantly ignored. I see some girl posting a selfie on your page wearing your shirt yet I've been asking for one for fucking months. I express how it upsets me and you turn it around to make it about yourself. I've put my wants and feeling aside for everyone else my entire fucking life but the one time I put my foot down, I'm the one who ends up feeling shitty and guilty for saying anything at all. Know what else fucking sucks? You send me songs your band records, I drop everything I'm doing to listen, tell you my thoughts, what have you. Even if it's not right away, I make sure I dedicate time to listen because you're my best friend and I love your band to death. I send you songs my band records and I get left on read. I send you songs and you tell me that you'll check it out later, which you never do. You get "distracted." You're too "agitated" to make time for me. I have to remind you multiple times, which makes me feel like an annoying pest asking over and over because your thoughts matter to me. I expected to have some kind of reciprocation when it comes to sharing my art with you, but you clearly don't care. You "don't have time" for me anymore. Yeah, you're "so stressed out" from "so many things," and you don't have time to take five fucking minutes of your "ever-so-busy" day to listen to my music that I poured my blood, sweat, tears, heart, and soul into recording, yet you're on Facebook all day posting memes, reacting to and responding to comments from everyone on your posts, and heart reacting to pictures of half naked OnlyFans chicks and their selfies. Makes me feel real good; thanks a lot, asshole.

FUCK. YOU.

You disappeared on me...it would have been nice to have your company when I wasn't okay...I'm always there for you anytime you need someone to talk to...I always make sure you're okay when you're struggling and needing support...but you disappeared on me when I needed someone to talk to. Hours went by. I saw you were active on Messenger all day. I saw you posting shit on Facebook. Why did you leave me on read? Why weren't you there when you fucking PROMISED you'd be there to help me feel better? I'm officially fucking done. I don't want your fucking band's t-shirt anymore.

Kind of miffed that I share/show support for bands that I love but they don't reciprocate when my new material gets released.

"My daughter-in-law hates me"

It takes a lot for me to "hate" anyone, sir. You have to really do and say things that make me feel uncomfortable and unsafe. Like these things: You make your "family" feel stupid, invalidated, and ashamed if things don't go exactly the way you want them to go. You verbally abuse your "family" if any of us don't do things perfectly. You criticize and condescend if we don't do things YOUR way. You act all nice, pleasant, charming, easy-going, and friendly to everyone on Facebook and in-person gatherings, but you make us walk on eggshells behind closed doors. You're hostile towards everyone you can't control because you demand control and order every single day. You get irrationally angry if we don't live by a strict clockwork schedule like you do. Not everything revolves around you and your dinner schedules. You're obsessed with making sure who is and isn't home for dinner every fucking night. You get mad when you "have to cook" and "have to feed" everyone, but get mad when we go out and do things without telling you one day in advance. You say hurtful things but then say you're "only kidding" when you're called out on it. You make us feel like a burden. You gaslight us. You do and say all of these hurtful things towards me and the people I love, yet you have the audacity to wonder why I can't stand being in the same room as you? Why the fuck would I want to be around and live with someone this obsessed with control and order? Why the fuck would I want to be around and live with someone who makes me feel like I'm walking on eggshells with every breath I take? Why the fuck would I want to be around and live with someone who literally throws a temper tantrum over minuscule shit like the toilet seat/lid being left up? Have you ever considered that maybe YOU'RE the problem? Or are you too narcissistic to see how much of a hurtful person you are? It's no wonder you have three failed relationships with women who lived with you.

Genuinely envious of those who have loving relationships with their in-laws.

I see people on my newsfeed posting selfies/group photos with their parents, spouses, in-laws, big happy perfect nuclear families. People who say they're "blessed" to have a mother-in-law who is like a second mother to them. Proud to call their father-in-law "dad." Not me. Want to know what my in-laws are like? My mother-in-law is a raging self-loathing alcoholic who refuses to seek help. Rehab and AA don't do shit. Her body and mind are literally deteriorating and refuses to do anything to improve her life. She expects my husband to answer her every beckoning call, be there to pick her up when she's wallowing in her drunken misery. Just like her own mother; the whole family is filled with alcoholics. And this moron wonders why my husband refused to have a mother-son dance at our wedding; they barely have a relationship. She's been this way since he was a child. He barely had a mother. And my father-in-law is the textbook definition of a narcissist. Oh boy, fasten your seatbelts for this one. On Facebook and in-person social gatherings with his "friends," he is this funny, charming, sweet, caring man who has a "huge heart," and takes in all of these stray cats and appears to provide for his "loving family" and is apparently this all-around stand up guy. People tell my husband how wonderful of a man his father is, and how his father says he's so proud of him. That's the biggest crock of horse shit I've ever heard in my life. This "funny, charming, sweet, caring, man with a huge heart" is the same man who berates and screams at my husband and our friends for leaving the toilet seat up, closing the kitchen door while he's sitting at the table, or accidentally leaving the basement light on for a whole 2 minutes after closing the basement door. The same man who gets upset if you don't tell him a day in advance that you won't be home for dinner. Spur-of-the-moment plans aren't allowed here. The same man who yells at you if you don't answer his calls.

The same man who screamed at his now ex-girlfriend for not backing a car into the drive way fast enough, or for being in his way. The same man who is passive aggressive if we leave a teaspoon in the sink, but he can leave his coffee mugs, silverware, and cat food bowls in the sink for us to clean because these rules only apply to us, never to him. The same man who is passive aggressive and vindictive towards those who don't read his mind and do exactly what he wants without communicating to us. The same man who gaslights and blames those when something doesn't go his way. But what do I know? I'm an idiot. I'm an entitled millennial snowflake who doesn't know what I'm talking about. Tldr, I hate my in-laws with a burning passion because my husband is mentally and psychologically broken and has 30+ years of trauma to outgrow because these two pathetic pieces of shit failed to heal from their own trauma/insecurities/instabilities before becoming parents. I will never call them "mom" and "dad. And no, we can't afford to move out, otherwise I wouldn't even be posting this. Just needed a safe place to vent.

You know what's bullshit?

Your band got new t-shirts in fucking NOVEMBER and I've asked you several times since then where to send the money so I can get a fucking shirt too, but I got blatantly ignored. I see some girl posting a selfie on your page wearing your shirt yet I've been asking for one for fucking months. I express how it upsets me and you turn it around to make it about yourself. I've put my wants and feeling aside for everyone else my entire fucking life but the one time I put my foot down, I'm the one who ends up feeling shitty and guilty for saying anything at all. Know what else fucking sucks? You send me songs your band records, I drop everything I'm doing to listen, tell you my thoughts, what have you. Even if it's not right away, I make sure I dedicate time to listen because you're my best friend and I love your band to death. I send you songs my band records and I get left on read. I send you songs and you tell me that you'll check it out later, which you never do. You get "distracted." You're too "agitated" to make time for me. I have to remind you multiple times, which makes me feel like an annoying pest asking over and over because your thoughts matter to me. I expected to have some kind of reciprocation when it comes to sharing my art with you, but you clearly don't care. You "don't have time" for me anymore. Yeah, you're "so stressed out" from "so many things," and you don't have time to take five fucking minutes of your "ever-so-busy" day to listen to my music that I poured my blood, sweat, tears, heart, and soul into recording, yet you're on Facebook all day posting memes, reacting to and responding to comments from everyone on your posts, and heart reacting to pictures of half naked OnlyFans chicks and their selfies. Makes me feel real good; thanks a lot, asshole.

What happened between us?

You used to tell me everything, bad or good. You used to be able to talk to me about literally anything going on with you. I was your confidant, your best friend, a virtual journal. Since December, you've been distancing yourself from me. All of last month I feel like we barely talked. We're a week into February and I'm lucky to hear from you for maybe a few minutes a week now. You can go days without talking to me now. The energy and vibes are completely different now. There's distance between us and I don't like it. What aren't you telling me? What changed between us? Did I do or say something to make you feel like you can't talk to me anymore? Do you not trust me anymore? What did I do, or didn't do, to make you feel like you can't confide in me or be vulnerable with me anymore? If you want me to back off, or leave you alone, I will. Just say the words, and I'll never bother you again.

Things I'm leaving behind in 2024

-Checking up on people who don't give me the time of day until it's convenient for them. -Seeing what people are up to when I get left on delivered/read for 19 and a half hours. -Allowing people to disrespect me for the sake of "keeping the peace." -Putting my wants and needs aside for other people even though they don't meet me half way. -Worrying about what other people are doing when I'm not involved. As long as my bills get paid and I'm healthy, fuck everyone else. I'm done losing sleep and stressing over people who literally treat me like an afterthought.

Andddd she broke his heart. He video chatted me and told me that she gave him the "it's not you, it's me" card. She made him cry. Which is something that makes me see red and makes me want to commit homicide on anyone who hurts him. This is why I'm so violently protective of my best friend. Because these girls lead him on and make him feel less of a human. His self esteem is low enough as it is. The fact that this bitch hit him up, got him attached, got him to drive her to and from work every day, just to lead him on and be like "it's not you, it's me"? Three words: go fuck yourself. Stay the fuck way from him, then. Bitch is lucky I live 800 miles away.

I'm terrified of the day my guy best friend gets a girlfriend

Not because of jealousy...but because I'm afraid our friendship will change. I'm afraid we won't text anymore. I'm afraid we won't videochat anymore. I'm afraid we won't play Animal Crossing together anymore. I'm afraid we won't videochat and play Fallout together anymore. I'm afraid we won't send each other pictures and videos of our day anymore, whether it's food we're eating, or places we're at and wishing we were there together. I am so fucking scared that the girlfriend will get insecure about my friendship with my best friend and she'll make him not talk to me. She will get jealous and insecure over how close we are and she's going to come between our friendship. Or worse...I'm afraid that he will just simply forget about me altogether. So many of my previous guy best friends abandoned our friendship once girlfriends came around because the relationship would be the sole reason for their happiness, and our friendship dies. Why does having a girlfriend mean we can't be close anymore? I lost so many close guy friends in my life, who I've honestly missed. Some I talk to here and there...but there are others who I am no longer on speaking terms with at all. There was a time where we were completely inseparable and I never wanted that to change. I never wanted to lose that special bond, but they chose their new relationship over their best friend of (x) years instead. And I am so fucking scared that this will happen to this friendship I have with my guy best friend. I don't want this to change. I don't want this to be different. I don't want this bond to die if another woman becomes a part of his life too. I don't know what I'm going to do if my fears come true. I can't talk to anybody about this because they won't understand. They'll take it the wrong way or they'll just simply not have any ounce of empathy for how much this friendship means to me. Please don't leave me. Please don't disappear on me. Please don't stop talking to me. Please.

It's happening...I got scared for a few days. We got to talk about it, though. Something I've never really done before; apparently this new girl has no problems with me being a female best friend. In fact, he told her all about me, showed her pictures, etc. and it's all okay. This is a casual, slow thing since neither are completely ready to be in a full time committed relationship, just wanting companionship for now. (Ffs, full time band, still looking for work, figuring shit out, which is very smart!) That all being said, I think I can breathe a little better, but I still just can't shake this anxious feeling in my gut that things will eventually change. Change is scary, hearing him talk about someone else that isn't his bandmates/best friends will just take getting used to. I guess I'm just scared that he will get hurt again? I guess my main fear in all of this is just getting replaced/forgotten about, but he assured me that it will never happen. I just need to trust that everything is going to be okay and nothing bad is going to happen.

I'm terrified of the day my guy best friend gets a girlfriend

Not because of jealousy...but because I'm afraid our friendship will change. I'm afraid we won't text anymore. I'm afraid we won't videochat anymore. I'm afraid we won't play Animal Crossing together anymore. I'm afraid we won't videochat and play Fallout together anymore. I'm afraid we won't send each other pictures and videos of our day anymore, whether it's food we're eating, or places we're at and wishing we were there together. I am so fucking scared that the girlfriend will get insecure about my friendship with my best friend and she'll make him not talk to me. She will get jealous and insecure over how close we are and she's going to come between our friendship. Or worse...I'm afraid that he will just simply forget about me altogether. So many of my previous guy best friends abandoned our friendship once girlfriends came around because the relationship would be the sole reason for their happiness, and our friendship dies. Why does having a girlfriend mean we can't be close anymore? I lost so many close guy friends in my life, who I've honestly missed. Some I talk to here and there...but there are others who I am no longer on speaking terms with at all. There was a time where we were completely inseparable and I never wanted that to change. I never wanted to lose that special bond, but they chose their new relationship over their best friend of (x) years instead. And I am so fucking scared that this will happen to this friendship I have with my guy best friend. I don't want this to change. I don't want this to be different. I don't want this bond to die if another woman becomes a part of his life too. I don't know what I'm going to do if my fears come true. I can't talk to anybody about this because they won't understand. They'll take it the wrong way or they'll just simply not have any ounce of empathy for how much this friendship means to me. Please don't leave me. Please don't disappear on me. Please don't stop talking to me. Please.

You think you can hurt my feelings?

I literally fix broken people just for them to abandon me the moment their lives get better.

You claim that every member of your band is important yet you continue to use "I" "me" "my" pronouns at shows, and when you post on social media.

Good to know that all I am is just your backing bassist/backing vocalist to you. This why I don't feel guilty for putting the bare minimum effort in your music. This is why I don't feel guilty for not mentioning or including this side project in any of my socials or just music in general. You need me way more than I need you.

I need a new dust filter for my Hoover Max Extract Pressure-Pro, model 60.

It's perfectly okay for everybody else to pressure me and put a metaphorical gun to my head to get what they want, but if I need something with a sense of urgency, I'm irrational for showing frustration because I didn't get what I want.

Keeping my mouth shut for the rest of my life because apparently I'm not allowed to be angry. I'm not allowed to be frustrated. I'm not allowed to push people to get what I want. Anything I say is wrong, anything I do is wrong, so fuck it. I'm just going to shut the fuck up and accept things how for exactly how they are, that's life. Not allowed to complain, not allowed to be upset. I'm done. Fuck everyone and everything.

If I get left on read/seen, I will literally not message you again until you reply. If get left on read/seen, I will assume that I either bored you, bothered you, or you simply just don't want to talk to me/hear from me. So, until you come back, I ain't talking to you.