Got used to pain too much, I've become addicted to it

One sided friendships

Our friendship is different,

It’s like oil and water,

They never mix in together,

And I know the good ol’ saying

“Opposites attract”

But ours is different ,

I take effort,

You don’t,

You break me,

I heal you,

I cannot force you to love me,

Because I know you won’t ,

You never will,

It has always been you,

But never me,

And I cannot remove you out of my life,

Despite knowing the harsh truth that my heart refuses to accept,

I still love you,

And I always will.

(Y’all I am writing after a v long time pls don’t judge) 😭🎀

I meet her during occasions where she needs a friend who is not a part of the friend group she has in college. And I think I didn't understand that before.

Every time I was with her, she seemed really happy and excited to see me. And, because of that, I started to feel the same way. I started to think of her as a very close and dear friend.

Recently, I found out she isn't as thrilled to be with me when her other friends are around. I kept ignoring that since compared to her other friends, I really am not as close to her as others, and I understood that. But, I don't think it ever dawned on me that I'm not her best friend.

Sometimes, I forget how deeply I am capable of viewing friendships as, especially as an aroace.

I'm still at the process of realization that my platonic love for her is not fully requited, and I really, really, really don't know how to feel.

I've gone through this before, too, a few times. I don't understand how I keep getting myself in this situation hahahah

My love is always a one side love. Friendships are an one side friendship. I ask to meet up. I ask how they are. I text them. But they never text me back. I am the first one to write.

I really hate the fact that people can just come into your life, stick around while you attach to them, they give you the feeling that is mutual (whether it's platonic or romantic!), you feel as if you could be in each other's lives for a long time.

Until things change, they lie continuously, their energy torward you feels undeniably off. Eventually, they fade away from your life, almost as if meeting you had meant nothing to them. And all along, you held onto that dying friendship, clinging and hoping they'd realise your worth.

But now I realise my worth, I deserved better.

I wish them well and hope they can get out of that toxic environment that they've been in. But never again.

If i am ever done with you and suddenly you decide to care - it'll be too late. So stop fucking taking me for granted and PUT EFFORT if you meant it when you said that you care. Cause once im done, im done.

Caring about someone more than they care about you hurts 10x worse when it’s PLATONIC

Some days I just feel so tired. I’m not even sure if I even have words to express the feelings eating away at me. I wish I wasn’t always the back up friend. It’s funny when your life is falling apart you truly see who your true friends are. I just wish you cared.

DON'T MARRY THE FIRST MAN WHO SHOWS INTEREST.

YOUR DAD'S INABILITY TO LOVE UNCONDITIONALLY IS NOT YOUR FAULT.

FRIENDS WILL COME AND GO, AND THAT'S PERFECTLY OKAY.

YOU DON'T NEED TO KNOW WHAT YOU WANT TO DO FOR A CAREER EVER, JUST GO WITH IT.

PEOPLE LIE, TRUST ACTIONS!

Bit sick of chasing people and never knowing if they want to be caught

You belong to another. I have nothing to gain and everything to lose being in love with you. Go away.

“I don’t remember who you are. I know what your favorite color is, your spirit animal, your hobbies, your every mannerisms, your likes and dislikes, who you like and dislike. However, I don’t remember how you think. I tend to be able to wrap my mind around people, guess what they’re thinking. Yet, your train of thought is completely erratically spontaneous and beautifully cruel. I’ve stayed up late with the image of you engraved into my eyelids, reviewing our memories together with each breath that I take, I cherished your presence as I cherish the water that sustains me. My love becoming the water that sustains me, a rising sense of melancholy flooding my consciousness as I hope that your gaze would solely be on me. Only me, not any other human being that steps on soil, just me, only me. My love drowning the very image on your in my mind, contorting your actions and words into coos of affection and praise. Praise that you had never once meant. Words of affection that were only lies plastered with guilt. I have doused our friendship in my admiration until it had wilted into a puddle of what it could’ve been without my constant, desperate, watering. The never ending compliments, the hangouts you never seemed to follow through in. Nevertheless your smile would ravishingly glow in my direction through all my “am I annoying you?”s. It’s confusing, frustrating, and exhausting. Just incredibly exasperating. So I beg of you, don’t get my hopes up and simply tell me the truth. You do not care.” - Sophia 6/4/2023

I’m sick of being the only one that reaches out.. I never get so much as a “how are you doing” until I message them first. It’s hard to know if I’m even valued.

Mentioning you in passing is the only remaining way i can love you.

If you have a fear of abandonment, you can end up really vulnerable to narcissists. They masquerade as loving and caring, but every time you try to have your needs met, you'll feel them pulling away and you'll quickly do whatever they want so you don't get abandoned. Narcissists have no room in their lives for people who aren't serving their ego, or people who dare to act like their needs matter instead of focusing on the narcissist.

So to stop them from pulling away, you put yourself aside and refocus on them to regain their favor. But you start to feel unfulfilled and like getting your needs met in the relationship is hopeless. That's because it is hopeless with a narcissist. Let them discard you. It means you're doing something right.

You know what's bullshit?

Your band got new t-shirts in fucking NOVEMBER and I've asked you several times since then where to send the money so I can get a fucking shirt too, but I got blatantly ignored. I see some girl posting a selfie on your page wearing your shirt yet I've been asking for one for fucking months. I express how it upsets me and you turn it around to make it about yourself. I've put my wants and feeling aside for everyone else my entire fucking life but the one time I put my foot down, I'm the one who ends up feeling shitty and guilty for saying anything at all. Know what else fucking sucks? You send me songs your band records, I drop everything I'm doing to listen, tell you my thoughts, what have you. Even if it's not right away, I make sure I dedicate time to listen because you're my best friend and I love your band to death. I send you songs my band records and I get left on read. I send you songs and you tell me that you'll check it out later, which you never do. You get "distracted." You're too "agitated" to make time for me. I have to remind you multiple times, which makes me feel like an annoying pest asking over and over because your thoughts matter to me. I expected to have some kind of reciprocation when it comes to sharing my art with you, but you clearly don't care. You "don't have time" for me anymore. Yeah, you're "so stressed out" from "so many things," and you don't have time to take five fucking minutes of your "ever-so-busy" day to listen to my music that I poured my blood, sweat, tears, heart, and soul into recording, yet you're on Facebook all day posting memes, reacting to and responding to comments from everyone on your posts, and heart reacting to pictures of half naked OnlyFans chicks and their selfies. Makes me feel real good; thanks a lot, asshole.