My world isn't my own.

Every day I wake up with confusion. I have to look at my surroundings to realize that I'm home in Southern California. Not in Rome, not in Barcelona, and not at my aunt's in Northern California. And I guess that's the trade off to moving around ever so often; nothing ever really feels your own. So you wake up trying to adjust, and you fidget around your day. And then when you finally manage to make it (yet, another day) you realize that you don't feel quite at home. Your bed does not feel your own. And then it's a full circle. The confusion starts to pour in as you lay down on some bed at 2:00 am trying to make sense of this life you call your own. It all feels so distant. You don't feel connected, and the worst thing is you feel like an outsider watching a movie that is your life, and yet, it's not. So I guess that's the trade off to moving around ever so often. And just like that...you realize that your whole world is going to change. In just one month you'll be sleeping in another bed, in another place, watching a separate chapter of the movie you call your life.

The negative side to being “attractive”

One of my goals in life has always been to actually be content with my looks. A goal that I believe many of us have had or still have. So I figured it’s a relatable topic to discuss. So here’s the thing no one really discusses: what happens when you finally obtain the looks you want? Are you satisfied with yourself? Symmetrically round breasts, flat tummy, defined hips, nice ass, and toned legs. I think that pretty much covers the basics of what a “nice” body or “ideal” body looks like. After about what I would say four-five months of dieting, yoga, and some type of cardio I have accomplished obtained these “looks”. Although I was never what society likes to call “obese”, I was definitely over the idealized weight goal. So about 20 pounds later, I am 122 pounds and still not a size 4, but at least a size 6. So some of you may wonder what am I even doing discussing the “ideal” body when according to some members of society I still don’t have it. I’m not model thin, but I have what society likes to call an “hourglass” shape. My breasts and ass are an ample size with my waist symmetrically smaller than both. 

Moving on from my attempt of defining my “socially accepted” body I want to discuss what nobody really discusses which is: what happens when your body reaches an idealized version of what society accepts? Well I can tell you that nothing really changes beyond your personal perspective. Society will still without a doubt continue to scrutinize you. There will still be those who see you as too fat or too thin. So I will just insert my sarcastic laugh here and move past all the social criticism to discuss how I personally feel. I look in the mirror every morning just like the rest of us and still find minor flaws that I would like to change about myself because yes I am human and will always find something to pick at. But when I look at myself I am pretty content. I can stare at myself naked without wanting to stop staring and run away and hide. So yay for me! I can actually bare to look at myself in the mirror now. And with that sentence holds everything that is wrong with the idealized body I’ve been trying to reach. 

YES I can now look at myself in the mirror and not feel disgusted. But the thing is, why do I feel somewhat more vulnerable? Why am I wishing I still had those little layers of fat to shield me from some of the insecurities I am now feeling? Because now that I can check off body shaming from my list I can focus on everything else. And that “everything else” is so much more than I thought. See I now walk through the streets not afraid of being body shamed but instead of being body violated. And no I’m not saying that only women that have socially accepted bodies get violated because I know for a fact that that is not true. I know women are constantly being violated regardless of their looks. But what I have noticed is that ever since I’ve obtained this socially accepted body I’ve experienced a different treatment. I can walk into almost any boutique now and not experience the condescending look of sales associates saying “the clothes here doesn’t fit you and even if it did it would look awful on you”. So that’s a plus I guess. But that’s the thing sales associates are not going to be the only people starting at you. When you walk you will notice the glances of everyone from older and younger men and women. Men and women will check you out. Some will check you out with disrespect, jealousy, lust, desire, etc. Walking in the city streets and seeing older men look at your ass while you walk away does not necessarily scream confidence. I don’t feel sexier, I feel uncomfortable. Yes, I have a socially pleasing body now but that’s the thing it’s MY body. No individual has the right to touch or say inappropriate things to me based on the way I look. So to everyone that thinks that obtaining a socially accepted body makes all those body issues go away, I can tell you that that battle never ends. 

Being considered attractive does not make life easier. It does not exclude you from social constraints but just includes you in them. You’re cast in a category now and just like everyone you will suffer its downsides. As a woman in general you are sexualized. As an attractive woman you are not only sexualized but it’s like you should know or you should expect it. It’s almost like society’s way of saying “Because you look like that it’s okay for men to look and treat you differently.” Older men will call you hun and sweetheart, and younger men will make inappropriate comments about your body. They will not hesitate to stare at your breasts or ass or legs because by shaping your body in that way you asked for it.

Fellow women: I just want to say that being considered socially attractive is not a win win. It’s still constant body criticism and harassment plus the invitation for more of it. Being considered attractive is not always flattering. And I can honestly say that I personally do not feel any better from the unwanted attention. I feel more and more objectified. My body insecurities have lost its veil and just turned into what they really were which were social insecurities. Because it is the society we live in that makes us constantly criticize ourselves to the point that we feel upset, uncomfortable, and harassed. 

The thing is...

I may very well may be in love with you, but I would rather break your heart than let you know that.

Sometimes being beautiful isn't enough sometimes it just makes it harder when someone comes and breaks your heart.

You take out the worst in me while he takes out the best. He makes me want to be a better person, and I haven't had anyone do that to me in a while.

Never place effort into someone who doesn't think you're worth the effort.

When I realize that all the men I'm attracted to are either fictional or gay.

When I'm trying so hard not to break anyone's heart, including my own.

That amazing feeling when you know that you are truly at peace with yourself. Even if it is only for a short instant, it's possibly one of the best feelings ever experienced.

Having this brokenness and emptiness inside of you and wondering if it will ever go away, if it will ever get better.