finnig3n
Super Gay
Finn they/them nonbinary, honestly have no idea what im doing.
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Okay so I was telling my mom (who's autistic) about this dialogue from "Hidden King"-
and how THIS dialogue hit me after FIVE BOOKS with the idea that Paton is, like, TOTALLY autistic.
And then my mom is like-
"Oh, honey, I knew the minute you told me he was eating cheese at 2 AM,"
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they are in love
utter surprise and shock that I was reintroduced to lysander sage and tancred torsson and immediately went "so, mary and shannon"
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TW SA
I got assoulted at my favorite coffe shop. I cant remeber who it was bc it was loud as fuck and i was a bit drunk. The thing is , it is my favorite coffe shop , and now i cant even walk the street its on.
And i dont know how to deal with all this. I mean how can i avoide it , im a regular there, i am friends with the waiters and stuff. Its just been hard . i cant look at myself in the mirror, or be naked , or litaraly feel safe outside if im not wearing 5 layers of clothes. And its super hot out all the time. im scared ill see him again, witch like idk how he looks like and now im just terrafied of any buirded guy that i see.
If anyone has any advice id apreciate it.
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Growing up queer in the Balkans
Growing up and being aware that you are different in a way that, at the time, it seemed nobody else was, was insanely hard and fucking scary.
Realising you were something other than straight was so insanely terrifying that words couldn't describe how devastated i was. I spent my early years begging any god ,that maybe, just maybe could exist in this wast fucking universe to make me normal. Because I was never good enough, never normal enough, never just enough for anyone.
Realising i had a huge ass crush on one of my classmates was so heartbreaking. I pretended for so long that i liked the same popular boys everybody else did, but even then i was maid fun of for that.
I dont know what was worse for me , to be honest, the realisation and comming out to myself as a bisexual and a nonbinary person and finaly having the courage to put labels on how i was feeling , or my family , my parents, my grandparents finding out i wanted to look like a boy and kiss girls.
I knew i couldnt tell them, every fucking scenario i played out ended with me either gettting beaten to death or beaten and kicked out.
I planned my escape routs, i had a go bag that I maid for a , just in case they somehow finde out.
It was terrefing and scary and so fucking stress induing that I kept thinking im better off dead then being openly gay.
I never told anyone and it was eating me up inside. It felt like a huge part of me was just slowly dying from the lack of exposure, I felt i was dying.
Finally i had the courage after meeting a friend of mine who was also semi openly gay, to come out as bisexual.
I thought , ok i will just say im bi and the nonbinary trans thing im not gonna mention because what if they dont accept me.
Even now that i came out , and showed people who i actually am, i still feel reserved, and like i have to hide it a lot . Because Bosna is not a forgiving or an accepting place.
I came out in a bathroom of a psych word at 3 am to my mum, absolutely broken and fucked, because trying to explain to my parents that i was severely mentally ill was like trying to tell a fish that if they just try hard enough it can grow legs.
Suffice to say i had a huge mental breakdown and, i will spear you from the gorry details , lets just say it wasnt fun. I knew that this was my only shot at coming out to my parents, they werent there to hit me , i had the cover of a phone, i wasnt at home, and if it all went to shit there was a social worker who could help me get back on my feet.
I know, however stupid and sad and depressing it is going to sound, that my parents only accepted me because they thought i was going to kill myself. And i know that they love to deny it.
Even now they spew so much homophobic shit my way that i dont know how i can stay in the same room as them without crying my eyes out. I guess i just got used to it, even tho it still hurts like a mother fucker.
I mett so many lgbtq people in my country, and the first time i saw and mett a trans person who spoke my language and lived in the same streets and went to the same koffee shops as me, i wanted to cry out of happiness.
I wasn't alone, for the first fucking time, I wasn't alone. We talked about binding and testosterone and how to feel less disphoric, it was the first time THAT part of my life was understood by someone who was also trans.
I love my friends i really do, without them, i wouldn't be here, they are my found family, but they will never understand the trans part of me.
The discomfort and wanting to cut your body parts so you can look yourself in the mirror.
So i guess I'm writing this for that one person who lives in a country where it's absolutely fucked to be any sort of gay. Who, like me felt alone. This probably didn't make a lot of sense but it was just a brain dump so forgive me.
Have a nice day lovely humans. and sorry for the misspellings im disleksisk
Finn xoxo
#brain dump#lgbtq community#lgbtq#balkan#oh fuck i hate this#i dont know how to tagg#its 1 30 am and i cant sleep#so i wrote this#bc idk
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i want to write so bad but i feel embarrassed to do it
i wish i could just write down every fanfic i ever have thought of
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there are sirten things i dont understand about myself
like how i dont eat and have an eaing disorder but manically make pudding in the middle of the night bc it hurts that i havent eathen anything
or the way my anxiety spikes up so much every time i have to go somwhere
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i dont know what i like
am i even a person
how can someone know me if i dont know myself
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Hi im finn. Honestly dont know what im doing. i might post art and fanfiction. i need someway to express myself.
if you want you can ask me anything, i used to lurk so much on here hehe
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