Progress.

I’ve quit that office also--my opinion of work isn’t getting yelled at, ridiculed, and belittled by a fat cow who knows nothing about how to run a company, has been in the business less time than me, and thinks i’ve got no idea of how to do my job. Thank you, next. Her husband, on the other hand (apart wanting to fuck me) has been always polite in his madness. The cow is the one with the money, therefore she gets to decide how to move forward. The ones with the money also get to decide what the truth is. Nothing is about reality, it’s all about power. Gain power, gain control over other people’s perception. Unless you’re me, in that case just open your legs or use people’s weak spots against them. Regardeless, it took me two days in other to make up my mind to quit. During an argument with the swine, ive noticed her lack of self-esteem and anxiety. The shaking, the stuttering, it was a disgusting pantomime to witness. Her shaking lips and rageful eyes made her look like a crazed bulldog which led me to ‘’should laugh at her face, knock her out, stab her, what do i do with her?’’. I then limited myself to say ‘’as the CEO you think you are, you should also learn basic communication. Certain arguments are not to be discussed in the middle of work, rather afterwards in a meeting. You know absolutely nothing. Our job is not to be at war with each other, rather solve whatever issue to give the costumers the best service.’’ Silence. Then she told me in a rude manner to go do my job. Disgusting bitch. 

I’ve had an important job interview yesterday with a company at levels far higher comparing to the other i’ve worked with. They obviously loved me. 

Sunday i’ve done one of the craziest things i’ve ever done considering my anxiety, laziness, and paranoia : i’ve fished a stranger online to come to my house and fuck me. I hid a knife behind the bed in case things would’ve gotten dangerous, but he somehow felt more in danger than me. I felt tranquil, actually. We will then discuss further encounters. 

I’ve played a collegue of mine. A hardcore catholic, with a girlfriend living in Siberia. I’ve manipulated him in, seduced him. I then discovered how big of an ignorant idiot he actually is, so i’ve let my true colors unfold. Frightened, but still sucked in, he gradually distanced himself from me. He’s also the one that got me the interview. We still talk, but less than before. ‘’You’re the temptation of the Devil. Satan himself has put you on my path. To fight this, i must be alone and pray.’’ And this is exactly what he’s doing. Im partially leaving him alone, but i will manage to destroy all of his walls, sooner or later, to destroy then him.

Developments.

I’ve quit my job. After i fucked the boss for a year, hated everyone, and after everyone hated me, something pushed me into leaving it. The last time i sucked that cunt’s cock was beneath the desk. Too bad my sixth sense can be sharp. I pulled away and after 2 minutes a friend of him walked in. ‘’You son of a bitch, did you tell him to purposely walk in after x minutes convinced i was gonna blow you till to the end just to perhaps give him proof that we fuck?’’, I thought. I didn’t get mad, i wasn’t even convinced of my idea but when it comes to scumbags like this individual is you can never think bad enough about them, you can’t get rid of any possibility and whatever you think is the worst case scenario, they’ve most likely have done worst than what your immagination can even come up with. 

Anyways, the office was ruled by three partners---three idiots. The worst and most narcissistic one was the only woman among them(why doesn’t this surprise me?). She ‘’cried’’ when i told her i was quitting and showed that fake human compassion that only narcissisists and sociopaths know how to mimick, but in front of a mirror the mask falls off. ‘’You know that im always here for you if you need anything’’. Yeah, right. I wanted to punch the shit outta her. 

I found job at a new office two days later; i recognize how lucky i am. The staff members seem.....nice. It’s only me and another female as only women of the office. Two years younger than me, smarter than me, but not better looking. Pretty, but not more than me. Med student, she’s far more interesting into exposing her knowledge than anything else. She feels smart when she does. So little self esteem that the only way to boost it is to talk and talk and talk and never shut up about all the things she knows but she makes pretty valid statements. Stilll shows off on social media, though : we follow each other on instagram and wow, she sure loves to take pictures. Bisexual. Two days ago we went out for lunch together. Once our roads were separating to go back home i think she kissed my cheek a little too close to the lips. 

One week in and im already subconsciously creating a sexual relationship. I impress myself in positive everytime. I guess im just that magnetic. I haven’t met one person that hasn’t been wanting to fuck me yet. Duh. 

Low ass empathy.

I'm not empathic. Almost at all. I've got a soft spot for kids and animals, though. When something terrible happens and they're among the disaster, a part of me within shakes. During my vulnerable days, I tear up and it doesn't even happen sometimes--i remain cold. With my mom, however, I do feel. I'm terrified of losing her, that must be my only one true fear in life.

When I come across the news of a war, of millions of deaths, my only thought is "damn, that must suck" and I go on with my life. As long as it doesn't happen to me, I'm good. A few months ago, I was walking home with a co-worker and he started to vent about the problematic with his ex-wife, his low frequency of meetings with his kids, his financial issues. He started crying, and I started giggling. I was desperately trying to hide it to not seem like a cold heartless bitch and man, was that complicated. He didn't notice anything, the tears in his eyes blinded him(thank God), he was to busy ranting and whining about his shit life to see that I, in fact, couldn't care less about him nor his problems nor his kids nor anything. I didn't feel his pain, I didn't try to reach out to him. I limited myself to agreeing with him, nodding. My mind was completely elsewhere, trying to save itself from the utter boredom.

I live in my own bubble that is made up of ME and a small part made of my mom, my cat. I believe some observant motherfuckers have noticed the ice in my pupils when in front of someone else's pain. An old toy, that I've worked with for a couple months as a second job and I then dropped due his weakness and his capacity of getting on my every single nerve, last month cried for me while we were having dinner in a restaurant. "Whatever will happen between us I will always love you and care about you", he was incredibly drunk. I felt a mixture of embarrassment, disgust and anger. He always saw me as some kind of angel, different from the others, so I destroyed his idea of me as he wasn't a good supplier, and we were not sexually compatible. Probably homosexual. Before that confession I demonically looked at him dead in the eyes and replied "I cannot feel your pain as my brain is not structured like that. Forgive me, but you're alone with this one". He looked at me as if I murdered his whole family and from them on, he started describing me as a sadist, bitch, fake. Death is the only answer for certain people.

created by blck-xcvi.tumblr.com art instagram: @blck.xcvi

Introduction.

I'm a 21 year old, very frustrated girl with a demon that grows and grows. I live my life between my anarchic nature and a mask that stays still most of the time. I pretend to like my collegues, to like my boytoy, that I am tranquil, that I don't have a fire burning within. My reputation is one of a TV show character : cinic, sarcastic, dark sense of humor, funny, a lamb dressed as a wolf due my "past hurtings so now I pretend to be tough", the one that tells you the truth to your face, and anger issues. Not all of them are true : I don't always speak my mind, I can't. I can't refer to the collegue who helps me and is always there for me when I need her as a stupid cunt to other people, otherwise I'd look like a bitch. I can't refer to my family members are stupid. I can't say none of this to their faces. All I want is to see them fight against each other, and hurt, as it already happened. Their idiotic pantomimes are entertaining to me and I'm always sitting there hoping one punches the other, massacring him.

Nothing would satisfy me more than to see them in pain. Utter pain.