January 10, 2018

Why do I depend on people so fucking much? I depend on them for happiness and feel absolutely worthless when they cancel or delay what we planned. Today I was gonna be picked up at 1 by my friend to go shopping. She texted me at 1:15 asking if she could pick me up at 2 ans I said okay because I was excited. 2 o clock comes, 2:15, 2:30, 2:45 and I text her "hey girl I'm going stir crazy." 15 minutes later she responds. "Hey I'm not up for anything today I'm sorry." No im sorry. Sorry for getting my hopes up to hang out with one of my closest friends and that hope getting crushed. This happens far too often for me to not take it personal sorry sweetie. At first I had been fine with it if not a little crushed because my hopes were let down but relatively fine because she wasnt doing okay. And you want to know her excuse for her being kind of out of it was? "I woke up too late." What kind of bullshit excuse is that? I set my alarm this morning because I wanted to hang out with my friend and wanted to spend time with her. And then I find out that that friend didn't care enough to wake up on time so we could even hang out together. Yeah, fuck people just, fuck dependency.

Ive turned my own form of self destructive. I have a habit of watching my reflection in mirrors as I walk away because of reasons but I haven't done that all day. This hit me really hard I dont even know why; I like to view myself as a non-dependent person but then things like this and it hits me like a fucking truck.

Just a thought

I'm so used to being alone in one of my classes that I dont continue talking when someone doesnt pay attention and I feel more at ease with my phone than I do with other people. This may not be weird for other people but for me it is kinda sad

Dragon Alpha Hunt

“Dammit Crowley,” I flinch as he appears behind the sofa.  Sam and Dean turn their heads from where they lounge at the table to look at the King of Hell.

“Hello Princess,” he croons with his usual accent. “As graceful and ladylike as always,” as he takes in my sprawled 5 foot 3 form that manages to take up the entire couch.

“What do you want Crowley?” Dean asks gruffly as he takes another swig of beer.

“I need an Alpha.”

“I thought we were done with running your errands,” Sam says sarcastically as his laptop powers on.

“Yes but i think you will enjoy this one see as it’s taking precious little girls like your little Lizzy here.” He answers smoothly, knowing that his answer is going to get a reaction from all of us, especially me.

“What kind of Alpha do you need us to get,” I inquire curiously.

“A Dragon,” was the only reply.  I shift on the couch into a sitting position and look at Sam and Dean apologetically.

“What’s wrong Liz? Are you not going to hunt with us?” Sam asks, a little worried.  Dean gives me an incredulous look, “but this is exactly your MO, some fugly perverted bastard taking girls and keeping them locked up.”

“Yeah I know,” I reply, “but since he is a dragon he goes after virgins and i am not strong enough to take on a dragon.” Sam and Dean just look confused, “You would have us there with you.”

“Not if you can’t find the lair before he takes me, then i would be alone with him and I’m not strong enough yet.”

Sam and Dean still look confused. “But he wouldn’t take you,” Dean says slowly,”you aren’t his type”

I look at them both and make a face. “Actually I am”

Sam looks like i hit him between the eyes with a 2 by 4 and Dean looks like he wants to take me to a strip club and get me laid.  Apparently neither of them knew i was a virgin.  

“Sorry boys, unless you want to use her as bait, you are going into this hunt by yourselves.” Crowley spoke from where he was nursing his drink against the wall, I’d forgotten he was still here.

By:Lizzy Brookes

December 6, 2017

I'm an asshole. I already know this. Others already know this. I talk shit about people and then hug them the next day and giggle and laugh with them when they tell jokes and say "oh honey I know" and "love you too boo" when they say "I love you" to me. I love you means nothing to me anymore. It was supposed to be this sacred pure thing that you only tell to those you are closest to and love with the entirety of your soul, but I wield it as a weapon to manipulate and never truly mean it. Im not even going to ask if that makes me a bad person because I know it does.

Im in so many circles of trust it is absolutely wonderful. I just got added to three more circles of trust today, Mila, Mary, and Miryam, it's fantastic. I am obsessed with knowing little things that make people tick and knowing their dirty little secrets and what they know. Probably makes me a shitty, sneaky bitch but oh well.

I've found a group that I think will be my close friends on the swim team. Thee aftermentioned girls are awesome and I really connect with them. I can fangirl with Mila about Supernatural and Sherlock and fanfiction and we can just recommend things to each other and chat without it being the awkward that it is with my other friends. She is just as into everything as I am and it's wonderful to have someone corporeal and not via internet to chat with and not cramp my hands typing out messages. Miryam is wonderful because she is the sort of rock that grounds us and is the quiet and calm of the group of us. I connected with her because she is on the Oceana swim team with me and I'm excited to see how we act around each other this summer. Mary is the youngest and yet more socially active than I am and is our drama teller. She has alot going on with boys and we love hearing her stories about people. She's awesome and the other two are awesome and I feel like I belong. I like this feeling.

I snapped at my teacher today because she was being patronizing and condescending and I cannot stand it. I looked at my phone for a second because I was done with my work and I didn't have anything else to do and she came up to me I and said "oh you're not done with the work get off your phone" and I was just like yes I did finish the work and she came back at me and was like "I actually know you're supposed to do all of this and you would know if you are paying attention and not looking at your phone" and I just stared her in the face and went off on her I was just like "I'm the only one in this class who actually cares about what you're teaching I'm the only one in this class that actually works and I have looked at my phone about once this entire class. And you're calling me on it you never told us that we had to do the rest of this so what was I supposed to know" (it was alot more well put together and flowed better when I said it) and I got really mad and the rest of the kids in my class were laughing cause I don't say anything I've never snapped at her before but today there was something that just made me really really done. It was probably the condescension cause I cannot stand that and I hate people condescending to me because it makes me feel useless and not worth more than the dirt on someone's shoe. I will not respect that teacher as an authority if she does not respect me as an intelligent human being who knows exactly what needs to be done and when it needs to be done when she deigns to tell us what we need to do. I'm very glad that that teacher takes alot of back talk before sending someone out in the halls and calling home because that would not have flown with my other teachers.

The pool is the most soothing sound oml. It's like the ocean or a stream but bigger and surrounds you more.

This is a fucking long text post holy shit. (there's the cursing. I wondered when it would show up. People pissing me off usually brings that out in me)

I'm sitting on the side of the pool because I got hw to do instead of practice so I should probably do that. Peace out losers.

Soundtrack of the day(whatever songs that were in my head or I liked):

Hello! - The Book of Mormon

Alone (Feat. Tru) -Hollyn

Burn- Hamilton

November 30, 2017

--I'm extremely tired and it's only 1st block. Ugh. I woke up 45 minutes late so no shower and I'm not very confident so yay. Outfit is the usual tee shirt and jeans with the vintage Disney sweatshirt mom gave me.

--today was pretty easy in 2nd block we just did some writing about the book that I had finished the block before (when we got it).

--3rd block was pure torture! Not like the schoolwork or anything. There some boys talking about Marvel things near enough that I could hear but it would be awkward if I joined in, and I nearly cried because I couldn't say anything

--HUGE NEWS someone died at Salem High today!! There are so many rumors flying around from him killing himself with a gunshot to someone stabbing him to him hanging himself in the bathroom. It's crazy but all we know is that a boy from Salem is dead.

--4th block was great. My teacher used Hamilton to teach class today and I surprised my class full of black gangster people by rapping the entirety of Alexander Hilton and Cabinet Battle #1 when the teacher played them. It was wonderful