the delicate line between friends and lovers ft. alhaitham â in which the akademiyaâs scribe and the bimarstanâs head nurse develop some serious feelings for each other in between hook ups. evidently, neither of them are very good at being able to communicate these feelings, though.
contains: 14.0k word count ; female reader ; explicit contentânot suitable for minors ; fwb to lovers ; mutual pining ; banter and teasing ; angst with happy ending (this one goes out to all the girls who wonder if their fav would choose them: they would!) ; reader is the (very overworked) head nurse at the bimarstan ; mentions of blood and injuries (alhaitham) ; reader has insecurities ; jealousy ; dry humpingâand kaveh being a major cockblock unfortunately ; alcohol drinkingâ4ggravate (minus alhaitham) appearance! ; clothed sex ; unprotected vaginal sex ; no prep ; creampie
the akademiya is well connected in its networks. meaning one thing: gossip travels fast. against his will, alhaitham learns far more about people than he wants to, details upon details that travel even through his soundproof earpieces at times.Â
today, for example, he learns without meaning to that the akademiya has decreased the previously approved funding for the bimarstan. this piece of information is able to irritate him enough that he almost itches to demand for the title of acting grand sage once more. sumeru, a nation of free healthcare, couldnât possibly hope to underfund one of the pillars of the citizens and their well-being. not unless someone whoâs as incapable and underdeveloped in critical thinking as the last grand sage himself (before alhaitham, of course) was in office.Â
he walks to the bimarstan, footsteps heavy in the dead quiet of the night as he trudges through the door of the hospital. youâre already there to greet him, eyeing the way the arm under his cloak is tense and curled under the fabric.Â
âanother eremite attack?â you murmur, walking towards an empty room as you gaze at him over your shoulder to follow.
he does so wordlessly, eyeing the tired, overworked, and disarrayed nurses along the hospital as he walks past them.Â
youâre no different, he studies, watching as you stifle a yawn, taking in the darkened circles under your eyes as he sits on an examination table while you bring out the necessary supplies to clean his wound.Â
the akademiyaâno, sumeru was blooming under his lead. that much he was aware of. youâd said it yourself, too, the first time he came.Â
oh, itâs you! weâre most grateful for your changes, acting grand sage, youâd smiled at him, theyâve really helped improve things here at the bimarstan.
he wasnât expecting that. the only reason why heâd stopped at the hospital for care instead of going home was because heâd run out of bandages, nothing more. one look at you had all but changed that, the tilt of your lips as they smile spinning his world on its axis in a completely new direction. you tend to his cuts that night, and even though heâd told himself he wouldnât, he returns after the next expedition.Â
and the next. and the next. and then it becomes routine.Â
for a while, alhaitham told himself he only came to the hospital for his wounds instead of patching himself up after long expeditions in the desert because it was nice to see how the bimarstan ran. itâs important for him to be aware of necessary changes that must be made as acting grand sageâhowever temporary the job may be, he has every intention of doing it properly. so he studies and assesses the functionality of the hospital and makes decisions accordingly. those things can only happen if he visits frequently.Â
but then he starts to notice that his feet truly only carry him here on the nights you work. though you work often and late into the night, too. being head nurse requires as much, of course, but he notices all too quickly that heâs begun to memorize your schedule.Â
slowly but surely, he resigns himself to fate. he comes for you.Â
âitâs just a light graze,â he mumbles after some time, revealing the small gash on his arm under his cloak. your eyebrows crinkle in concern for a moment before you set off to work, methodically and expertly cleaning away at the dried blood and disinfecting the wound.Â
he doesnât talk for a while before he finally says, âyouâre short-staffed.â
itâs a question presented as an observationâhe has a habit of doing that, of speaking his mind and waiting for an explanation to follow.Â
you sigh, bandaging his arm as you murmur, âpeople are quitting. itâs been hectic in hereâand the funding cut doesnât exactly allow for a pay that seems worth the grueling hours.â
you love your job. itâs the first thing alhaitham knows about you. you take it very seriously, scolding anyone, even the acting grand sage, about proper care and healthy habits.Â
did you stitch these yourself? youâd gasped when you first noticed the scars on his chest, thatâs dangerous! do you know the infections you could contract from an improperly tended wound?â
itâs not as amusing now to watch the other nurses listen awkwardly as you scold him. heâs back to being the scribe, no longer tied to the title of sage. the nurses arenât as alarmed anymore by your lack of formalityâalthough, heâs sure by now, theyâre a bit used to it too.Â
âand i assume youâre not resting properly?â he gives you a knowing look, reaching forward with his free hand and brushing a callused but gentle thumb under your bruised eyebags.Â
you close your eyes at the fleeting touch, humming before giving him a guilty smile.Â
âi canât let things get out of hand here.â
âyou should take your own advice,â he snorts, âwhat was it again? something about proper rest and sleep to ensure a healthy lifestyle?â
âif youâre here to throw my words back in my face, i recall also mentioning getting into less trouble,â you huff, momentarily glaring at his arm before meeting his eyes. âwhat happened to being more careful?â
âlike i said,â he shrugs, hissing slightly when you press on his wound to prove your point, âitâs just a graze.â
you and alhaitham are, no doubt, an unexpected matchâif you can call yourselves that, even. itâs a complicated relationship you share, you and the former grand sage turned scribe.Â
you patch him up late at night one day, and he so chivalrously accompanies you on your walk home after your shift. thatâs all it was supposed to beâŚbut, well, things are never as simple as sticking to the original plan.Â
you invite him in for drinks, he accepts, you clumsily trip on your rug, he catches you swiftly, and somehow, in the mix, both of your lips end up meeting in the most heated kiss youâve ever shared with someone. clothes are easy enough to shed, and stumbling to your bedroom is hardly complicated, and in a far from ideal turn of events, you sleep with the akademiyaâs scribe.Â
multiple times, in fact.Â
by now, his visits to the bimarstan to see you are as frequent as your visits to his house to see him. the only difference is that his visits tend to be for medical reasons, and yours areâŚpersonal to say the least. itâs, of course, as these arrangements tend to go, one thatâs strictly physical.Â
being physically involved with a patient is scandalous enough, but romantic involvement would be nothing short of unethical. and heâs not a very romantically inclined individual anyway, so not toeing the line of something more is easy enough for the both of you.Â
still, youâre quite fond of himâheâs funny when he wants to be and a gentleman underneath the blunt responses and straightforward remarks. you like to consider him as a good friend. one who knows your body a bit too well than most friends should, but a good friend nonetheless.Â
you look at him unimpressed as you finish tending to his wound, scoffing and rolling your eyes as you point out, âyouâd call it a graze even if your arm was dangling off the bone.â
that gets a chuckle out of him, his head tilting up as he looks at you. if you werenât in a hospital with your work attire, this would feel oddly domestic: cleaning tenderly at his wounds as he looks at you softly.Â
you and alhaitham never toe the line of something more, but you do take steps dangerously close sometimes.Â
âwhen do you finish your shift?â he asks, voice a low rumble.Â
ânow,â you grin, giving him a mock glare as you add, âyou have me working past the clock.â
âlet me walk you home, then.â heâd do it anyway, regardless of whether or not you accept. still, you never turn him away.Â
âhow kind of you,â you say sarcasticallyâyou know better than he does what he means, what he wants, and you canât exactly say you donât want it yourself.Â
âi can be rather giving when i want,â he shrugs.Â
âoh, yes,â you snort, âquite the giver.â the grin he sends you is nothing short of fond.Â
the line blurs a little like itâs been drawn in the sand, grains carried away by the wind and leaving the faintest trace of the border you draw. somehow, even though you shouldnât, you step closer to it, just at the edge.Â
but itâs never enough to cross it.Â
âam i?â he muses, âiâm glad you think so.â
âyou know, most people would believe you talk too little. but i think you talk too much.â
his cloak falls back in place over his arm as he stands, lips curled in a rare smileâwell, rare to anyone other than you, that is. he walks out, and you follow.
it almost feels like you're getting closer and closer to stumbling past the line against your will every day.Â
ââââââââââ
alhaitham knows your home well. well enough that he knows to drop his cloak in the basket you keep for laundry so you can wash away the blood soaked into the fabric for him.Â
is it normal to do the laundry of your fuck buddy? youâre not even sure. itâs not like youâd ask anyone, anyway.Â
but it doesnât matterânot when his lips find yours before you can think about it too much. itâs a slow kiss. heâs good with his mouth in more ways than oneâgood at kissing, good at pleasing, and heâs even good at talking. heâs a linguist, anyway, so it only makes sense.Â
âeager,â you murmur in between kisses, nipping at his lips as he shivers. âdid you miss me that badly in the desert?â
âof course,â he rasps, gently guiding you to fall back against your bed, his hand cupping the back of your head like youâre fragile as glass, âeremites donât have as enticing of a touch as you do.â
âmaybe if you ask nicely, theyâll be less rough with you,â you wiggle your brows, giggling.
he clicks his teeth, angling your jaw to trail kisses along the slant of it as his hands travel to your hips, gently rubbing the bare skin of your hips under your shirt. you hum appreciatively, closing your eyes and sighing at the soothing feeling of his warm palms seeping heat into your skin. your fingers thread into his hair, tangling into the locks for some sort of means to hold on and ground yourself.Â
itâs like warm drizzles of syrup, his touch sinking into you as you absorb his sweetness.Â
âand why would i need that when this is far better?â
every word alhaitham alhaitham says is punctuated with the warmth of his lips pressed into your skin. itâs almost soothingâhe feels calming. it doesnât feel heated, not the passionate kind that kindles something carnal in you.Â
it feels warm, the soft and gentle kind that makes everything feel a bit lighter. a bit cozier. something more homely in this house of yours.Â
âmhm,â you hum, your fingers slowly slipping from his hair as they fall to his shoulders, barely holding him in place as your eyes remain shut. itâs soothing, everything about him. enough that you donât even realize youâre dozing off until he chuckles.Â
âdid i bore you into sleep?â he pecks your cheek.Â
âno,â you tug your eyelids apart, giving him a sheepish grin, âsorry, youâre just warm.â
âoh yeah?â he grins, amused. heâs climbing off of you, much to your dismay, making a soft whine run past your lips as your hands chase him.Â
heâs quick to replace the lack of him, though, planting himself beside you as he pulls you into his chest.Â
cuddling isnât new for the two of you. usually, itâs a post-coital activity, thoughâyou start to think alhaitham is just as bad at drawing a clear line in the sand as you. heâs gentle as he pulls your covers over you, pressing one more kiss to your head before he sighs and relaxes.Â
âiâm not tired,â you protest weakly.Â
âno, youâre not,â he agrees to satisfy you, eyeing your drooping eyes knowingly. âi am, though. itâs been a long trip.â
âright,â you nod, humming. âweak.â
he rolls his eyes, though fondlyâyou barely make out the action through your half lidded eyes as you glance at him one last look before your eyes force themselves shut. heâs warm, smells like that spicy hint of harra fruit in his cologne, and feels painfully safe when he lets you curl into his strong arm as it wraps around you.Â
normal people donât cuddle when theyâre just fucking like thisâyou and alhaitham are anything but normal. itâs a mutual sort of agreement, though. you allow the small domestic tendencies to slip past the line, only to let the shore wash it away from the sand.Â
it never stays for long, this feeling of intimacy. real intimacy, the kind thatâs far more personal than seeing each other nude and feeling each other at your rawest. the kind where you both fall asleep beside each other, tangled, safe, warm, trusted.Â
but youâre just friends. you think. you canât afford to be anything moreâalhaitham isnât the sort of man to grant you something like that. youâre sure of that. heâs kind, good natured, even. but thereâs not one romantically inclined bone in his bodyâyouâve seen it yourself.Â
heâs rejected one too many brave women with her heart on her sleeve. never cruelly, but always definitively.Â
sleep doesnât let you think about it all for too long. you resign yourself to a peaceful slumber beside him, breath slowly evening out as he rubs the small of your back.Â
and, when morning comes and you awaken, you donât think about it for too long then, either. because heâs gone. because, of course, he wouldnât stayânot when this is physical and nothing more.
youâre not disappointed, you think. youâre aware of the nature of things. and heâs a gentleman, as always, leaving you a note on your bedside.Â
i had to file some reports from my expedition. i believe iâll be needing my cloak back.Â
you chuckle, shaking your head. itâs an invitationâbring me my cloak, and weâll finish what we started.Â
itâs how things are with you and alhaitham. you do his laundry with yours, he walks you home and forces you to rest, and sometimes, you happen to partake in some debauchery in the process. thereâs nothing wrong with it.Â
and even if your toes dance along the edge of the line, they always drag along to draw it sharper in the sand.Â
ââââââââââ
coming to alhaithamâs house seems like second nature these days. he comes to you at night, and you come to him in the afternoon of your day offâluck would have it that yours happens to coincide with his. you knock three times and he opens as soon as your knuckles pull away from the cool surface of his door. itâs like he expects you, maybe even waits for you.Â
you step in and let the door close behind you, grinning when he steps closer and cages you against the tight corner that is his front entrance.Â
âi brought over your cloak,â you hold up the cloth, gesturing for him to move so you can put it on him. he looks at you incredulously, like youâre out of your mind.Â
âwhy would i put it on now?â he asks in confusion.Â
you tilt your head, raising an eyebrow, âyou always wear one?â
âand why would i dress when weâll only be undressing in a short moment?â he quirks his own brow like itâs obviousâwhich, to be fair, alhaitham is not exactly wrong. but it doesnât make you any less flustered when he says it.Â
âyouâre shameless,â you huff, looking away in embarrassment. he chuckles lowly, leaning down and trailing his nose along your collarbone, breathing in your perfume.Â
âi think iâm more practical, is all,â he murmurs into your skin. you sigh, goosebumps traveling across your body at the fan of his breath against you.Â
âif only people knew how unstiff the akademiyaâs scribe can truly be,â you grin, finger tracing the sliver of skin showing from his chest window. âdid you know i overheard a few patients discuss how bad you are at conversing?â
âi donât get paid to partake in small talk,â he says, voice a low vibration as he shivers at your touch. âi have things to finish when iâm on the clock apart from socializing.â
âwhat, youâre that concerned when you have your lovely pay raise? iâm sure you could afford a few minutes,â you tease, making him roll his eyes.Â
alhaitham certainly wonât admit it, but he finds a good amount of amusement from your quipsâthe small grin on his usually downturned lips tells you as much.Â
âif you want me to spend my earnings on you, there are better ways to ask,â he shoots light-heartedly.Â
âyouâd accuse me of such shallow schemes?â you pout. âdo you think me to be after your mora?â
his answer is instantaneous, coming in the form of a delicate kiss pressed to your lips as his hands grab your hips. your arms have a habit of their own, always wrapping around his neck before you can even comprehend the action, and just like always, you both end up a tangled pile of limbs that canât even make it past the doorway, let alone the rest of the house.Â
you like it this way, perhaps even love it. something about him being unable to wait the time it takes to walk to his room fills you up with a sense of glee.Â
âbeing the scribe is a much simpler job than sage,â he mumbles between kisses, âthere happens to be much more time for other things.â
âthings like taking the head nurse against the door of your home?âÂ
âperhaps,â he smiles with a chuckle.Â
who wouldâve thought alhaitham could smile so painfully charming? just a few weeks ago, you had never seen him smile before at all, willing to bet that heâd never smiled a day after stepping into adulthood with that seriousness he holds so dearly.Â
âi donât have much time,â you hum in between kisses, fingers fiddling with the short hair at the nape of his neck.Â
âweâll make do, iâm sure,â he says through a breathy groan, already semi-hard as your thigh slots between his legs, rubbing against the forming tent in his pants.Â
your head tilts up as his head buries into your neck, lips branding searing kisses into your skin. you wonder if this is what it feels like to be his, to be stamped with his affections one kiss at a time until no one else could hope to have you. your eyes flutter shut, sighing as he sucks attentively to your sweet spot.Â
âdonât leave marks,â you scold, âi canât show up to the bimarstan looking so scandalous.â
youâve felt his lips against your skin enough times that you can tell them by heart. you donât have to look to know theyâre pouting against your neckâyou can feel it against your skin. you giggle, cupping the back of his head as your fingers delicately thread through his hair.Â
âiâm meant to hold back then?â he grumbles. itâs almost petulant, but he still softens the nipping against your skin, careful to leave no evidence of his existence against you, however disgruntled he might be.Â
âdonât be so whiny,â you laugh. archons must have it out for you, though, because as soon as you say that, his hardened cock brushes against your crotch, making you whine at the friction. itâs something, but itâs hardly anything at allâthe separation from the fabric makes everything not nearly enough.Â
he seems to know it, too, because he pulls away, eyeing you with a certain gleam in his eyes that looks like a cross between smug and amused.Â
âiâll try,â he says smugly. you glare, but youâre cut off by the brush of his cock against that sensitive spot between your thighs once more, his hips grinding against you as you fall slack against the door. you can feel him rub against your clit, sending shockwaves along your spine as your back arches and you breathlessly moan his name.Â
at first, he only does it to tease you, but after the first few rolls of his hips, itâs evident he canât bring himself to stop. itâs not enough, not for either of you. the ache settling between your legs canât be quelled with a few simple rolls of his hips with fabric separating you both from each other. but alhaithamâs sense of control seems to wash away with the tidal waves of pleasure, each thrust of his hips brushing his cock against your heat and leaving him panting into your shoulder.Â
âm-more,â you plead, grabbing at his cape and fisting the material as you hold onto him tightly, âi need moreâplease.â
alhaitham, for all his composure and self-preservation, is simple to take apart when his throbbing cock is pressed against your cunt, rubbing against the length and building the pressure he so desperately needs.Â
he doesnât even seem to hear you, hot breath fanning against the crook of your neck as he buries his head and groans, hips sloppy and rough as they rut into you. you can feel the outline of his cock clearly even through his pants and yours, hot and undoubtedly hard. the bulge in his pants brushes against your clit through yoursâand even if itâs nowhere close to feeling him inside of you, you can feel yourself just about to break.Â
âsorry,â he gasps, âsorryâc-canât stop. i-iâm c-close. so close.â
the last part comes out like a plead. itâs like heâs begging you to free him of this torment, like he needs you to make him fall over the edge because he canât bring himself there. you think that might be the case, so you wrap your fingers around his hair and tug.Â
he moansâmaybe if you were feeling teasing, youâd call it a whine and watch his cheeks flush as he scowls. but thereâs no chance for that. not when youâre both so close, so achingly close that you can just make out the twitch of his cock in his pants.Â
and then the doorknob twists.Â
a series of muffled curses can be heard through the other side of the door, and you both pauseârigid, tense, stiffly alert as your eyes widen. his head perks up from its place in your neck, staring at the doorknob in equal parts rage and equal parts confusion, like he blames it for cutting you both short of a much-needed, much-wanted orgasm.Â
âoh, youâve got to be kidding me!â you hear a voice groan exasperatedly through the door, âagain?â
youâre completely lost. who could be trying to enter alhaithamâs house at this hour?Â
the only hope you have for answers is, of course, alhaithamâone look at the recognition and irritation on his face, and you can piece together that itâs certainly no stranger. alhaitham, if his cold glare could freeze anything where it stands, could potentially risk turning sumeru into the next snezhnaya. his eyes are hardened, and his jaw is clenched as he breathes out a heavy sigh through his nose.Â
âand youâre kidding me,â he mutters bitterly. ânow?âÂ
âhey! i know youâre home! open this door and stop pretending like you canât hear me,â the voice demands, tapping on the door with more conviction than the last time.Â
you furrow your eyebrows and look at him expectantly; an explanation demanded through the crinkles of your forehead as you look at him in confusion. he pulls away, jaw still tight as he adjusts himself in his pants, trying his best to hide the still painful erection he sports.Â
âmy roommate,â he says quietly. deadly.Â
you almost feel bad for the poor soul that must be waiting on the other side of the door, unaware of the pure wrath he must be about to face judging by the look on alhaithamâs face.Â
you hear the voice again, âugh! youâre doing this on purpose, arenât you? youââ
âcalm down,â alhaitham calls, unimpressed and unamused as he closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. he seems to hold it for a moment like heâs fighting the tension in his body, before he slumps and lets out another sigh. this time, itâs much more defeated as he gives you an apologetic look when his eyes open.Â
you both adjust your appearances, erasing any trace of debauchery before you step aside and let him approach the door.Â
the swing of the door opening is a rather aggressive one, and alhaitham stands taller and straighter than youâve ever seen him, like heâs trying to tower over the figure that enters the house.Â
you recognize him immediately.Â
âoh!â you gasp in awe, âyouâre that architect! the one who designed the palace of alcazarzaray!â
both men look equally as haunted by your statement. alhaithamâs eye all but twitches as he takes in the breathless admiration in your voiceâyouâre no doubt praising kavehâs work. as for the latterâŚwell, he looks like he might just about launch himself into the blade of an eremite willingly the first chance he gets.Â
âwh-who are you?â kaveh demands, âand what are you doing here?â
âsheâs obviously a guest of mine,â alhaitham shoots coolly, tone as condescending as ever. âhave you lost all manners? thatâs no way to greet a guest.â
âwhat did you say to me? i want to hear nothing of the sort from youâgod knows your temper isnât one to speak on my manners.âÂ
kaveh turns to you, taking one better look at you, squinting as he thinks for a moment before realization flashes across his features. he seems to recognize youâthough most people in sumeru do know you quite well. the nurses at the bimarstan are limited, these days.Â
âah! youâre the head nurse from the bimarstan! you looked at my wrist,â he recalls.Â
you smile, nodding as you gesture at his hand and ask kindly, âis it better now? i do hope itâs not as sore anymore. did you apply heat as i suggested? and i hope youâre taking ample rest in between sketchesâarchitects are very prone to sore wrists as is, you know.â
alhaitham rolls his eyes at your lecture, grumbling, âas if he would follow anyoneâs advice. heâs far too stubborn.â
âiâll have you know that i followed her advice quite closely,â kaveh says pointedly. he turns to you, voice much softer as he smiles and adds, âand my wrist is much better, thank you.â
âof course,â you nod. and then you pause, staring between the two unsurely as you falter and ask, âbutâŚi wasnât aware you two were friends. alhaitham tells me youâre his roommateâheâs never mentioned you before today, though.â
they both glare at each other through the corners of their eyes. something tells you maybe friends was a bit of an exaggerated term. alhaitham makes no moves to speak, crossing his arms and staring expectantly at kavehâthe blonde scoffs, shaking his head with a scowl.Â
âfriendsâŚis a generous word. weâre roommates,â he nods in confirmation, âiâveâŚran into some trouble for the time being, so iâm staying here for a bit. wonât be much long, however. i need a space lessâŚsuffocating.â
âand how well is that plan faring for you?â alhaithamâs words seem to poke at kaveh, riling the blonde up further as you watch the scene before you awkwardly.Â
âyouââ but before kaveh can finish whatever retaliation was on the cusp of his tongue, he pauses. itâs like all at once, the situation hits him before heâs staring between the two of you, instead. âhang on a moment. how do the both of you know each other? i didnât know alhaitham was acquainted enough with the head nurse for her to pay a visit.â
âwell,â you start, trailing off as you cough lightly, tensing as the question throws you off guard. âummâŚalhaitham visits the bimarstan sometimes after his trips to the desert. soâŚâ
so what? how would that explain your visit to his home? itâs not as though you become friendly with all your patients and drop them a visitâin fact, alhaitham is the only one youâve ever done that for. and of course, itâs not just a visit that youâre doing here. but kaveh doesnât need to know that.Â
that would be quite the scandalâgetting so intimate with a regular patient. and apart from that, you and alhaitham arenât exactly in an ideal situation. what would you tell kaveh? that you come over just to hook up? itâs not exactly a rare occurrence to have a beneficial relationship with someone like this, but stillâŚadmitting it like that is a bit too shameless for your liking.Â
and then thereâs a much more complicated, much less easy-to-tackle problem, too. youâre not even sure if you can confidently say you donât have feelings for the scribe. thatâs not something you were counting on, ever. saying you only partake in intimate activities with no strings attached might just hit you too hard in the gut, even if itâs not exactly a lie. but admitting the words out loud isnât something youâre prepared to do.Â
almost like he senses your turmoil, alhaitham steps in, bless his soul. he almost looks a bit conflicted, studying you carefully. you donât have time to dwell on it, though, before he speaks.Â
âso she came to check on a wound she patched up,â he finishes for you, quick and easy and confident enough in his words that it makes up for your nerves. he quicks a fleeting glance at you before raising an eyebrow to kaveh. âi left in a hurry and didnât really let her properly tend to it last time. not that itâs your business, of course. iâm perfectly within my rights to bring guests over to my house.â
âbe careful,â kaveh glowers, âanymore attitude, and youâll risk showing your guests your true colors if youâre not cautious. you wouldnât want to make a bad impression on the same person who tends to your wounds, do you? that would be fatal.â
âyou two are quite the duo,â you chuckle, shaking your head, âit seems alhaitham has finally met his match verbally. you truly donât let him have the last say.â
alhaitham almost looks offended, looking at you in disbelief. âi am not outmatched by hisââ
âif itâs not too much trouble,â kaveh laughs nervously, cutting alhaitham off with a sharp look, âcould you keep thisâŚuh arrangement of ours a secret? i donât really want this getting around and such.â
âmy lips are sealed,â you promise. kaveh perks up, relief sagging into his shoulders at that before he nods, giving you a friendly smile as he waves at you.Â
âiâll be off to finish a project, then. nice seeing you.â
as soon as he walks away and youâre certain the door to his room shuts, you let out a soft breath of relief.Â
âthat was close,â you whisper, âhe couldâve figured it out.â
âright,â alhaitham says vaguely. he doesnât say much else, arms still crossed as he stands there and looks at youâsomething about the way alhaitham stares at you is too uncomfortable for your liking.Â
not because he looks at you weirdly or even inappropriately, but because it almost feels like he can pick apart every thought in your head just by his gaze alone.Â
you shuffle on your feet before you give him a tight smile.Â
âi should goâthe patients are never-ending these days,â you chuckle nervously.Â
âmake sure you donât overwork yourself,â he nods.Â
you linger for a moment. youâre not sure why. itâs not as though you can expect him to give you a goodbye kissâthat would be preposterous. and far too wishful.Â
so instead, you give him a small wave before turning towards the doorâbut he stops you before you can reach for the door handle, pulling you flush against him, your back to his chest.Â
âwill you come back tonight?â he whispers, voice low and husky as he presses his still-hard crotch against you. you shiver as he nips at your skin to get his point across.Â
âwhat about kaveh?â you ask softly, biting your lip, unsure. the little voice in your head screams, who cares about kaveh?
âheâll be dead asleep,â he snorts, âlast night was the third all-nighter he pulled. thereâs no chance heâll make it past seven pm today.â
âyouâre insatiable,â you tease, shaking your head as you snort. âdo you know that?â
âiâve never had a decline on your end,â he shoots back.Â
âi have a shift later tonight,â you say apologetically, sighing as you think about the extra hours youâll have to put in soon, âthere arenât enough people tonight without me.â
âyou should really speak to someone about this funding cut,â he frowns, slumping against you, âitâs getting out of hand.âÂ
âno one listens.â your voice is so defeated, so uncharacteristically tired. youâre sure he notices it in a heartbeatâyou notice it yourself. âbut iâll see you tomorrow, okay?â
âsure,â is all he says.Â
hesitantly, you pull away. his hands leave your hips reluctantly, too, like theyâre most comfortable when they have you to house them. but neither of you say anything, simply nodding at each other as you look at him over your shoulder and exit through the door.Â
the footsteps down his steps and away from his home are the heaviest ones youâve taken all week.Â
you decide you hate the sand. and that stupid line you both seem to have drawn.
ââââââââââ
it takes two failed attempts at fucking alhaitham to realize youâre not strictly only after the physical pleasure he brings.Â
the first time, you werenât even disappointed you didnât get that far. it was only a disappointment that he was gone when you woke, and you realize itâs because the absence of him is why youâre even let down in the first place. the second time, youâre unhappy because you have to keep the nature of your relationship a secretâthatâs a more complex problem.Â
itâs secret because it has to be, because of how lewd it is by nature and how partially unprofessional it is. but you decide you also hate it to be a secret. no one knows that you see alhaitham bare and at his most vulnerable, and you canât handle that anymore. especially when you watch a nurse flirt so poorly with him right before your eyes.Â
âoh, itâs you, acting grand sage,â she giggles, âwhat can i do for you today?â
âiâve actually returned to my previous position as scribe,â he corrects, entirely unaffected.Â
âoh, is that so?â she gaspsâyou know itâs all for show. everyone is aware of his stepping down. âwell, i, for one, think itâs a shame. you were so capable as a leader.â
alhaitham doesnât like leading. for all he claims itâs because itâs too much trouble and far more work than he appreciates, you know that itâs also because the easiest way to never be swayed by power is to stay far away from it. he keeps himself grounded this way. he uses his smarts for only whatâs necessary and only enough to quell his thirst for knowledge and never anything more. his principles are admirable.
and should the next grand sage also abuse such power like the last, heâll step up from his humble position as scribe and fix the problem againâbecause thatâs what he knows to do best. use his genius to solve issues as they arise, not control the situation entirely.Â
of course, she wouldnât know that. she doesnât know anything about him.Â
you fight back the roll of your eyes with the last shreds of self-preservation you have left.Â
âthe position wasnât really for me,â he says plainly. âany idea where the head nurse might be? i have some business to discuss with her.â
it shouldnât satisfy you as much as it does when she deflates at at his dismissal. but doesâenough that you saunter up with a grin on your lips as you greet the two.Â
âwhy hello. what business does the scribe have with little old me?â you hum. the nurse becomes background noise when your eyes meet his teal ones, staring at the small fleck of amber in his pupils while his piercing gaze rakes over your face as if to study you.Â
you feel oddly seen under his stareâheâs seen you stripped and bare, at your most vulnerable under him. but somehow, youâve never thought about it much in the moment like now. right now, he sees you with a clear mind, without the clouding haze of lust to fog his mind. right now, he can see you for every flaw and every imperfection, so up close. he can notice the way your fingers fiddle with themselves to calm your nerves. he can catch every nervous shuffle on your heels as you fight the urge to lean into him from the proximity.Â
finally, you break out of your trance when the nurse clears her throat and mumbles, âiâll uh..iâll be off, then.â
he blinks at the same time as you, shaking his head slightly to bring himself back to the present as he clears his throat.
âcan we speak somewhere more private?â he asks quietly. you donât know if thatâs a good thing or bad. but you nod nonetheless, leading him to an empty room as he follows.Â
itâs a long, painstakingly dreadful walk. your mind is filled with too many possible scenarios that itâs a miracle your brain is even functioning properly. it should short circuit. what if he wants to end your arrangement? what if heâs aware of your slowly shifting feelings (if you can even call them that)? what if heâs found someone heâs interested in? what if his roommate has pieced together something, and now he needs to come up with a cover?Â
the possibilities are endless, and they plague your mind so heavily that your lip is chewed raw by the time you enter the room and shut it behind him as he follows you in.Â
âyou wanted to talk?â you ask hesitantly.Â
he doesnât say anythingâthe only thing he does is press a folded piece of paper in your hands as you stare at him, confused.Â
âopen it,â he insists.
so you do. and reading over it makes you pause as you glance up at him in disbelief. the bimarstan fundingâmore than doubled.Â
âwhat?â you breathe, in absolute awe, âhowâŚhow is this possible?â
âiâve pulled a few strings,â he says plainly, shrugging. as always, he brushes off his actions as though he hasnât just changed your entire job for the better. âitâs a nice perk of being an ex-sage.â
âyouâve used corruption just to help me?â your words are a playful jabâbut thereâs still an underlying question that you really do mean to ask. why go to such lengths for me?Â
âitâs hardly corruption,â he grumbles, crossing his arms. the dust of red over the tips of his ears is the only thing that gives away the slightly flustered part of him, âi had a few favors owed to me, and the conditions here play an important role to everyone in sumeru. it was a simple correction to their terrible decision-making skills.â
âoh, haitham,â you chuckle. this time, the nickname really does make him flush more obviously, his eyes darting away to look off to the side as he clears his throat again.Â
âwell, thatâs all,â he says stiffly, âi have to go home andâŚand make dinner. kaveh is of no help.â
âsure,â you beam, looking at him knowingly. you pause for a moment, contemplating before you cave and add, âand thank you. really.â
âitâs really nothing to look into,â he says awkwardly, âhopefully, now you can work fewer hours.âÂ
âthe other nurses will also really appreciate it,â you say softly, âiâll be sure to let them knowâtheyâll really have the hots for you this time,â you snort, making an indirect reference to earlier. he shivers, like the thought leaves him unnerved.Â
âthat one nurse of yours hasnât left me alone since i stepped up as grand sage for that short while,â he grumbles, making you snort at the troubled look on his face. it shouldnât make you feel as good as it does to see him so disgusted by the affections of someone else, but youâre only human. âdoesnât take a genius to figure out why.â
âoh câmon, sheâs sweet,â you tease. now that you know heâs uninterested, itâs fun to mess with him and get under his skin, giggling as you reach over and poke at his arm.Â
âperhaps,â he shrugs, âbut not very good at keeping her emotions in check. iâve known her since my student daysâi donât think i could last one day with her lack ofâŚcomposure.â
âwhat, youâre too above emotions?â you ask amused, âi would disagree. youâre a rather grumpy man, you know.â
âam i?â he fights back a grin, âi hardly noticed.â
âwithout your morning coffee, yes,â you quip.Â
he laughs, shaking his head as he stares at you with something that looks oddly close to fondness in his eyes before he murmurs, âi do really need to make dinner. kaveh will truly whine my ear off if i donât tonight.â
âhave fun,â you pinch his cheek. he rolls his eyes, and with that, he nods to you and leaves, swiftly walking away and leaving you to yourself in the empty room with the slip of paper in your hands, a lovesick smile still on your face.Â
you donât even know where the line starts or where it ends anymore. all you know is that youâve undoubtedly crossed it all on your ownâand it might be the end of you, truly.
ââââââââââ
it takes one nice gesture from alhaitham to make you realize youâve fallen hopelessly hard for him. before, every small action of intimacy was always just the two of you being friends, amicable and good-natured in between sex.Â
now, youâre not sure you could spend a single minute next to him without wondering what it would feel like to do those things as a couple.Â
sometimes, after sex, alhaitham likes to read. because itâs hard for him to sleep, and he doesnât want to disturb you from your much-needed rest after a long day at the hospital. you donât realize how reliant youâve become on the sound of his pages flipping until you lay in bed alone, tossing and turning under your sheets as you try your hardest to sleep.
you canât. not when all you think about is him. him, him, him. heâs all your mind drifts to nowadays.Â
but you know alhaithamâbetter than a lot of people, in fact, seeing as you get to see parts of him that are otherwise⌠off-limits. being in a relationship is the last thing he wants, especially with you. otherwise, heâd have told you by now. youâre scared of a lot of things, scared to speak your mind, and tend to overthink too much for your own good.Â
but alhaitham? heâs blunt and to the point. if heâd wanted something more with you, if the line had blurred and blurred for him until it risked being nonexistent like it did for you, heâd have said something. but he hasnâtâand neither can you.Â
because you know as soon as you do, itâll be over. the kind gestures, the gentle touches, the heated kisses, the nightly visits, all of it. gone with the wind as it blows the line in the sand away for goodânot because he wants to cross it, but because it simply doesnât need to exist anymore if he never speaks to you again.Â
 alhaitham is not a romantically inclined guy. heâs good-looking enough that not just a handful of girls have tried their hand at confessing to him, and heâs always turned them down instantly. youâve seen it, heard about it, know it to be true. and apart from that, are you both even that compatible?
sure, you get along great as is, but a relationship is much deeper than that. youâve always appreciated how honest he was, how straightforward he put things. but relationships come with a lot more vulnerability and emotions than youâve ever shown him. his bluntness will be too easy to mistake for casual cruelty when youâre in over your head. heâs quiet; he doesnât appreciate too much interactionâwould he even enjoy going on dates? what if you insisted on an evening out, and all he wanted to do was stay in and read? would he want to do all that stuff? everything you want seems like it would be something of a chore for him, something that makes him see you as a chore.Â
he even said it himself the other day, calling that nurse too emotional for his liking. sure, it was an off-handed comment, but youâre one emotional day away from potentially being too much for him too. you couldnât handle that. not when you like him so, so much. not when you want him so bad, you couldnât handle him not wanting you just as badly.Â
would he even want you that badly? logic tells you noâand logic is at the forefront of his mind at all times. your emotionally charged outlook on life would be a bleeding mess of color in his neutral, logically categorized approach.Â
youâd be dooming yourself to loving a man who would hardly know what to do with your affections.Â
so you do the only sound solution to this predicament of yoursâyou end things before he can do it himself. itâs inevitable, of course. whether itâs in a few weeks or months, eventually, alhaitham will grow bored of your casual fling. and heâll end things, completely fine and normal while you fall apart at the seams. the best thing you can do for yourself is let things end on your own terms, and early on, too, before the feelings fester into something all too serious.Â
itâs not as though you love him yetâthings are still early on enough to make sense of them.Â
or is it? some part of your mind asks viciously, are you sure you donât love him?Â
you push away the thought as quickly as it pops into your head. rolling your shoulders back, you straighten your posture, taking a deep breath before you knock on his door.Â
he opens it instantly, smiling that small, ghost of a smile of his. you falter immediately.Â
âhey,â he hums, swinging his door wider, âcome in.â
âno, thatâs okay,â you say stiffly, not meeting his eyes, âiâŚcanât today.â
âoh.â you hate that you can hear the frown in his voice and practically see the confused crinkle of his eyebrows. âdid you want to talk about something, then?â
yes, you want to say. thereâs a lot i want to talk about.Â
thereâs a lot you should talk aboutâand if you were keen on discussing this like an adult, you would lay it all out on the table.Â
instead, you blurt out, âi think we should stop.â
he eyes you carefully, raising a questioning brow as he asks, âstop what?â
âthis,â you point between the two of you, âwhateverâŚwhatever this is weâre doing.â
and just as you expected, his face is blank, so neutral and so hard to read you want to scream at him. yell at him for making you want him so bad when you canât even tell if heâs even a fraction as crazy as you. does he want you? he certainly treats you well sometimes, but maybe thatâs just because you get his dick wet and stitch up a few wounds here and there for him. does he actually even toss and turn and stay up thinking about you the way you think about him?Â
the answer is probably no. you donât even want to find out if youâre right or not. but heâs never made you believe he has, so you donât entirely think youâre wrong in your assumptions.Â
âand what are we doing?â he must be playing dumb, you think.Â
âhooking up,â you hiss, âhaving sex. fucking. whatever you want to call it, alhaitham. we have to end it. now.â
âand what brought this on?â he crosses his arms.Â
you want to ask him why heâs being so cruel, so intent on keeping you when you clearly canât stay, when there are so many women who would throw themselves at him for a chance to get in bed with him if a physical partner is what heâs so hellbent on keeping. but you canât be that for him any longer, not when your emotions are tired of being a jumbled mess that slowly but surely eat away at your decaying soul.Â
âweâŚweâre justâŚitâs notâwe just have to, okay? i donât appreciate you treating me like iâm easy.â
âwhaâwhen have i ever treated you as such?â he looks at you bewildered, getting defensive.Â
âthatâs not what i meant,â you pinch your nose, groaning as you try to process the words you want to say in your spinning head. everything is too muchâthe way heâs close, the way your body feels aflame from just standing near him, the way your eyes are involuntarily misting over. âthisâŚthis is just an easy arrangement, thatâs all. for both of us. but i donât want to be someoneâs quick and easy hook-up for the sake of convenience. i needâŚi need something more from someone, so we should stop while we can so i can find myself that.â
thereâs a minimal twitch of his jaw as he clenches and unclenches it, nodding slowly.
âyou want something more, is that it?â
âw-well, yesâbut thatâs not what i entirely meant, so donât read into itââ
âso how would ending this get you that, then?â he challenges. you hate that he makes you feel stupid, that he looks at you like youâre not thinking when thatâs all youâve been doing these last fewâŚarchons know how long. heâs plagued your mind for so much time you canât even pinpoint for how long.Â
âi want something more, but not from you,â you spit, slamming your hands to slap against your thighs in frustration, âthatâs obviously why iâm ending it! must you always make everything difficult?â
he doesnât speak, silently stunned a bit at your outburst. so you take a deep breath, willing yourself to calm down before you collect your thoughts better.Â
âi justâŚiâm sorry, okay? i didnât mean to yell at you like this is your fault. iâŚi canât say i can get into bed with you anymore without wanting us to actually mean something to each other, and i know thatâs not what you wantââ
âwho said thatâs not what i want?â he interrupts, looking at you with the first hints of emotions all day. thereâs a small etch of frustration building in the twitch of his brows as he continues, âyouâve just decided for me how i feel, and thatâs a bit unfair, donât you think?â
âyouâve never said anything about how you feel,â you shoot back.
âwell, neither have you, but that doesnât meanââ
âi may not have said it, but you���re telling me you never noticed? i do your laundry for you, for crying out loud, alhaitham! and youâve never so much as dropped a hint!â
âi see,â he nods slowly, going back to the blank slate that is his face. still so infuriatingly neutral and unbothered by it all that you canât help but lose it a little.Â
how can he be so unbothered? how can he be so calm and collected when you feel like you might need to check yourself into the bimarstan yourself from the stress of it all? youâve spent weeks, months in each otherâs beds. familiarized yourselves with every part of each otherâs bodies. he knows about that birthmark no one else sees, and you trace that mole on his left pec every night before you sleep. youâve slowly but surely been dying to cross the threshold of just friends (with a few perks, of course), and here he is, nodding along as you tell him you want him, want more of him.
and heâs got nothing to say. because, for some reason, after months of feeling you, spending nights and days tucked away against you, he doesnât seem to feel the same, so he doesnât have much to offer you. how can he be so unbothered by your presence after months with you? is it really that easy not to be affected by you?Â
some part of you lets go of the hold on your control as you snap, âand this is why we canât have anything more.â
âwhyâs that?â he tilts his head, voice an uncharacteristic edge to it, âenlighten me.â
âbecauseâŚbecauseâŚbecause youâre you!â
finally, a flash of hurt crosses his face, making itself home in his eyes and forehead as it crinkles at your words. he studies you, quiet. unnervingly quiet that you almost wonder if youâre just deaf.
âare you trying to say thereâs something wrong with me?â he presses, looking so lost that you almost feel guilty.Â
not as much as you feel like youâre about to cry, though.
âyes,â you say without thinkingâand the way hurt settles into his eyes more makes you scramble to reword things so you donât sound like a total jerk, âi mean no! i meanâŚi mean youâre just you, and you and i wonât mix.â
âwe wonât mix,â he repeats, blinking. âinterestingââ
you canât stop yourself from going on the tangent now that youâve begun, spilling your every thought one by one as you cut him off, âyouâre so quiet, and itâs unnerving, you know? you never speak a single thought on your mind, youâd rather just read than talk about your day. and everything you say is so painfully to the pointâwould it kill you to soften the blow sometimes? people donât always need the cold, hard truth, okay? sometimes, saying what someone wants to hear can make all the difference. andâŚandâŚi donât know, okay? i need someone who can work with my emotions without applying logic to everything, and thatâs not you soâŚso we have to end things because itâs not fair to either of us. i want it to actually mean something with someone when iâm with them, and you donât want someone to taint everything with their fragile feelings, so we need to go our separate ways. okay?â
youâre practically panting when youâre done speaking, and alhaitham is just standing, thinking, processing everything youâve said in that painfully complex head of his.Â
finally, he breaks the silence and says, âi didnât know so many things about me bothered you.â
âthey didnât,â you sigh, ânot until recently. i guessâŚi guess it just hit me how difficult it would be to get along in a proper relationship.â
âyou know that because what? you think it?â
âi know it because iâm actually looking at things realistically,â you say exasperatedly, âjust because we had sex for a few months doesnât automatically mean weâre a compatible pair.â
âwe havenât really gotten to know much outside of sex to decide that,â he shakes his head, âiâm not understanding how you can so easily dismiss these feelings by deciding it wonât workââ
âlook, alhaitham,â you cut him off, voice so uncharacteristically small, he pauses to look at you in shock, âiâve been slowly losing it for weeks, okay? the last thing i need is for you to make things difficult for me. youâre a good guy, and i really, really wish things were different, but i just need more than what you can give me without completely changing yourself. neither of us should have to compromise anything about ourselves for things to work.â
âyou donât know if iâd be willing to give you what you need or not,â he says quietly, âmaybe i wouldnât be changing a thing.â
âthen what about that girl?â you scoff, âthe one you said was too emotional for you to handle? you think iâm just being crazy? you said it yourself, so what else should i believe?â
âher? sheâs differentââ
âwhy? because sheâs not me? because she doesnât let you in her bed? youâll find my emotions just as burdensome as hers one day, and then what? we fall back on sex to keep the spark alive?â
something about him is defeated. shoulders slumped, eyes dim, and arms uncrossing to lay limply at his sides. he takes a deep breath before nodding, looking at you so intensely you almost feel frozen in place.Â
âokay,â he whispers, âif this is what you want. thatâs fine.â
his door closes, and your first tear slips.Â
ââââââââââ
nine days. thatâs how long itâs been without alhaitham. your mind tells you this is for the best, but your heart is practically on its knees, begging you to reconsider.Â
a part of you wonders if you were being unfair like he said, judging him before you could properly give him a chance. the other part of you thinks itâs important not to let attachment cloud your better judgment. alhaitham is a good man; thereâs no doubt about it.Â
but is he a man good for you? that part is a difficult question to answer. protecting your heart seems like the safest option. still, you canât help but miss him horrifically often. it doesnât hit you how badly youâve fallen for him until you donât see him anymore. no more late nights at your place, no more afternoons at his, and no more routine bimarstan visits.Â
your life has at least gotten a bit easier, thoughâmore funding means more people to hire, and more people to hire means fewer grueling hours for you. though, when you really think about it, you owe this small win to the exact man whoâs been plaguing your thoughts.Â
you intend to drink your woes away, but it seems even in the tavern, you canât escape himâwell, not exactly him, but his roommate. but kaveh still reminds you of alhaitham, so the cleared head you hoped for is out of the question for the night.
the thing about kaveh, though, is that heâs loud. painfully so, and especially when heâs drunk. you could hear him from the other end of teyvat, you thinkâitâs hard to ignore him even if you want to.Â
âheâs been insufferable lately,â kaveh huffs, âworse than usual. that awful temper of his needs to really get a check because iâm not sure how much more i can take.â
you didnât know kaveh was friends with the general mahamatraâseeing cyno loosened up with a deck of tcg cards was not on your list of expectations for the night, but you canât help but listen in when he adds, âhis last few reports to me from his investigations were not up to hisâŚusual work ethic, either. iâm not sure whatâs up with him.â
âmaybe heâs overworked,â tighnari suggestsâyou know him as a fellow amurta scholar, recognizing him from your student days. you hadnât realized alhaitham was friends with such an interesting assortment of peopleâwell, you donât know if kaveh fits as a friend, but the other two seem like safe bets.Â
âi donât think so,â kaveh grumbles, âheâs hardly been sleeping. itâs not like he takes work home with him, you think heâd be the type? but heâs been drinking all the coffeeâi actually work into the night. shouldnât he at least leave some for me?â
âi wonder whatâs up with him,â cyno hums thoughtfully, âhe must really be brewing in his emotions.â
you snort at the poor pun, watching as the other two around him wince and groan.Â
finally, kaveh sighs, rubbing his temple as he mumbles, âi donât know. iâve never seen him like this. i think itâs serious.â
that makes guilt pool in your gut, making you feel so full that even one sip of your drink feels like too much. youâve lost all desire to drink your sorrows awayâyou couldnât have possibly dampened someone like alhaitham so deeply, could you? heâs always been unaffected by things more than others, and youâd never imagined him to care that deeply about your relationship. if you could call it that, even.Â
âwhat do you suppose has brought this on then?â tighnariâs ears twitch in worry, âheâsâŚnot exactly the most emotionally available.â
well, at least youâre not alone in your beliefs.Â
âi donât know,â kaveh says quietlyâand even if they claim not to be friends, you donât think they hate each other a fraction as much as they let on because his voice seems to be twinged with clear worry himself as he adds, âhis eyes have been red in the mornings. it canât be something small.â
thatâs all you can stomach to hear before you slam your glass down and swiftly make a beeline for the tavernâs exit. some part of you, weak and bound to alhaitham, is unable to listen any longer about his misery. the misery you caused. the misery you brought yourselves both because insecurities ebbed and flowed into the deepest crevices of your mind and rotted away at the reasonable parts.Â
of course, youâre different. of course, thereâs a chance things will go sour. of course, it wonât be easy. but isnât that the case for every relationship? love was never meant to be a simple featâotherwise, it would never be half as scary to take the fall.Â
but youâve been careful, too careful. so careful that you forgot to let yourself try and be happy, and so careful that youâve stomped on someoneâs feelings enough that his friends exchange their worries over drinks instead of having a good time with him.Â
so you decide that enough is enough. if alhaitham isnât meant to be yours, then celestia themselves will have to take him from youâbecause youâre not risking losing him a second time.Â
not again.
ââââââââââ
contrary to popular belief, alhaitham has never been difficult to track down if you simply know where to look. he might be good at making himself scarce, but thereâs only a handful of places he could be. the light of his home shining through the window tells you that your first guess is not very off.
you knock, silently staring at the tips of your shoes as he slowly opens the door.
âhey,â you murmur as soon as the door swings open. you havenât even looked up yet, but youâre certain he has the same neutral expression on his face. but kaveh is right about one thingâhis eyes are definitely a little red.
âhey,â he says quietly.Â
itâs awkward for a moment. you donât know what to say, and he doesnât have any intentions to fill the silence. some time ago, that worried you. his quietness came across as an inability to keep up healthy communication. but now, you miss itâthe quiet flip of his pages as he sat beside you, shoulder to shoulder and thigh to thigh. the way he let out a soft little breath when you lay on his chest, rubbing his palm slowly in circles against the small of your back. the soft, peaceful silence of his presence.Â
you never appreciated it enough, the comfort of knowing youâre valued without having to say anything at all.Â
âlisten, iââ
âyou donât have toââ
you both stop, pausing when you speak at the same time.Â
âgo ahead,â you say instantly.Â
he clears his throat, shaking his head as he swallows. âno,â he mumbles, ever the gentleman, âno, thatâs okay. you go first.â
you think your nerves might just explode one by one if you have to wait any longer, so you donât bother putting up much more of a fight, nodding before fiddling with your fingers as you take a deep breath.Â
the words spill faster than you can process what youâre saying. a long, jumbled string of thoughts that rattle off your tongue like a dam finally breaking at the leaking crack.Â
âi was wrong. for all the things i said, i mean. thereâs nothing wrong with you, you know? youâre really kind, and you remember the little things, and you always keep your promises, and those are really nice things. and i donât hate when youâre quiet, by the way. i used to think it bothered me, but i miss it, you know? just having you sit next to me and read and stuff. i guessâŚi guess i just never bothered trying to think about how to love you the way you needed because i was so busy worrying if you could love me the way i needed andâŚand i just fucked a lot of things up. i got in my head and made a lot of assumptions that werenât fair and justâŚi got cold feet. and iâm sorry. and i love youâreally, really love you. all of you. you donât have to believe me or even say anything at all. i just needed you to know all that because you deserve to.â
heâs silent. you canât tell whether from being stunned or from disinterest. both are fair, regardlessâyou think alhaitham could slam the door shut in your face, and youâd deserve it. but he doesnât. because just as always, heâs your same, kind, gentle alhaitham underneath all of the blunt stoicism.Â
âi lied,â you whisper, âi do want you to say something. anything.â
âi donât know what you want me to say,â he stares at his feet, still looking as hurt as the day you left him. âyouâŚyou just assumed i wouldnât be able to love you, is what iâm gathering.â
âi just thoughtâŚâ you swallow thickly, tongue like sandpaper against your dry mouth, âi just thought we were too different.â
âi thought we got along well,â he shrugs, trying to pretend there isnât as much hurt on his features as there is, âmaybe i misread things.â
âno,â you shake your head desperately, âno, i overthought them, thatâs all.â
âwhy did you leave me?â he asks hoarsely, âwhy couldnât we have talked about things?â
you want to say because you were a coward, maybe even a hypocrite. you insisted heâd be too constipated emotionally to communicate properly with you, but all youâve done was decide things for him and avoid the hard, heart-to-heart talk.
really, itâs because you were never brave enough to try and love alhaitham the way he would have loved you. the way he loves you. you were blind to see itâwerenât even willing to believe that he ever would. not until after you let him go and realized what you had. heâd walked you home, made sure you got proper rest, pulled strings, and used up favors just to make things better for you. and you missed all the signs, all because it was so easy to walk away, to label his blunt nature as causal cruelty, to confuse his quietness as disinterest, to assume his logic was the absence of emotion. you never gave him a chance because you were never brave enough to take the fall.Â
but alhaitham was always ready to catch you, arms aching to wrap around your form and hold you. not because he wanted you to love him, but because all heâs ever wanted was to love you.Â
you think thatâs the difference between the two of you. youâve always wanted to be loved, and heâs always wanted to love. youâve always wanted to take and heâs always wanted to give. youâve always wanted him to be enough, and heâs always wanted you to know youâre enough and more.Â
itâs too much to tell him though, so you settle on cupping his cheeks and whispering, âbecause you scare me. the way you make me feel.â
âhow do i make you feel?â
not too long ago, youâd think he was asking just to confirm what he already knows. now, you know heâs asking because he needs to hear the words for his own sake. just to be sure. just to ease the uncertainty in his own head.Â
âyou make me feel a lot of things, haitham,â you murmur, âyou make me feel happy. appreciated. very pretty. capable. important. sometimes a little dumb,â you giggle as he frowns, squeezing his cheeks as you add, âbut only because youâre so smart. i could list a few other things you make me feel, butâŚtheyâre not as proper.â
âi thoughtâŚjustâŚd-did i do something?â he asks, voice hesitant. thereâs a painful, awful squeeze in your heart at his words. but your heart is the last of your worries right nowâitâs the least you can do, putting your feelings aside for his own, seeing as youâve stomped all over his.
so, in an effort to show him that everything is okay, you smileâyouâre sure itâs a pathetic, wobbly little thing, but you donât have time to care. not when heâs right here, under your fingertips, and one possible moment away from slipping away.Â
a watery chuckle escapes you as you whisper, âno. you didnât do anythingâit was me. but iâm not running away anymoreâŚif you still want me, that is.âÂ
âyouâre all i want,â he says instantly. âthe only thing.â
âi know,â you breathe, âand you are all i want too.â
you kiss him. because he deserves to feel you choose him, to feel you close the gap and show him youâre here. your lips press gently against his, molding into them like two pieces of a puzzleâexcept you donât think neither of you fit anywhere else but each other. incomplete without each other and unable to fit anywhere else. your thumb traces the soft, warm skin of his cheek, soothingly caressing it as if to let him know iâm here, and iâm not going anywhere.Â
he stumbles back, and you follow him in, pressing against the door of his home just like those days ago before an unwelcomed interruption. this time, though, you think kaveh could freeze outside all you careâyouâre not letting anything interrupt this moment.Â
âiâve been losing my mind for weeks too,â he mumbles in between gasps for air as you kiss, âjust so you know. it wasnât you alone.â
âthatâs good to know,â you hum, grinning against his mouth.Â
âand i thought i was giving signs,â he adds, âthatâs why i went through the trouble to fix your schedule. so i could spend more time with youâiâŚi apologize if i wasnât obvious with my intentions.â
âdonât be,â you say softly, âiâm the one who missed them. you did everything right.â
âdid i?â he asks, unsure.Â
you press your lips firmly against his when you hear the crack in his voice, as if sheer touch alone will express the way you feel. maybe it does, thoughâbecause he melts against you, letting out a soft moan as your hands travel to his broad chest, feeling the muscled and toned body he hardly hides under that skin-tight shirt.Â
âi get scared easily,â you whisper, âwill you be patient with me?â
âiâm not good at expressing my emotions,â he whispers back, âwill you be patient with me too?â
âwe can be patient together,â you hum, pecking his lips a few times as he chuckles softly.Â
âgood plan,â he nods, âsounds like it should work.â
âoh, thank you,â you wink playfully, pulling away to wrap your arms around his neck and press your forehead to his as you look at him cheekily, âiâm a bit of a genius.â
âthat you are,â he nods, smiling in amusement. and he means it. youâre every bit smart and capable as he makes you feelâinadequacy was never something alhaitham made you feel; it was always something you brought onto yourself. youâre used to shifting the blame, you realize. itâs so easy to blame everything and everyone but yourself for the intrusive thoughts in your head.Â
but they melt away tonight, one feathered kiss at a time, pressed to your jaw delicately by warm, familiar lips youâd know blind.Â
âyour friends are worried about you, you know. kavehââ
âplease do not mention kavehâs name right now,â he groans, âiâll hear all about your alarming story of my friends at the tavern, but right now, i only want to hear you say one name.â
âyours?â you wiggle your brows.Â
âglad to know weâre on the same page,â he confirms, humming as your hands trail under his shirt, feeling the ridges of his built muscles.Â
âi donât want anymore casual sex,â you murmur, pouting, âitâs driving me mad.â
âokay,â he nods, shivering as your palms glide over his nipples as you pull his shirt up, exposing his chiseled abdomen for you to admire, âwill girlfriend suffice?â
âgirlfriend would be great,â you nod, beaming.Â
âjust so youâre aware, i am very concerned with the emotions of my girlfriend, however heavy they might be. i do still think, however, that nurse was on aâŚunique realm of her own, though,â he adds the last part with a pointed look.
âdonât mention other women when you just asked me to be your girlfriend,â you huff, âdonât forget who stitches you up. donât get on my bad side.â
âmy apologies,â he laughs.Â
and then youâre back to kissing him, fervently and so desperately, you think this might be your last day on earth, making the most of it before youâve breathed your last breath. alhaitham groans into your mouth, lets your hands wander all over him as you feel the tautness of his physique.Â
itâs not the first time youâve felt him, but it is the first time you can take all the time you want, memorizing him because heâs yours to keep locked away in your memory.Â
âi love you,â you pant against his mouth, wet, hot kisses interrupting your sweet confession.Â
âi,â he kisses your cheek, âlove,â a kiss to your other cheek, âyou,â a kiss to your nose, âtoo.â
this time, he leans down and kisses you right over your pulse point, right where your racing heart rate is beating erratically. you gasp when he bites and sucks at the flesh, making you whimper as your knees buckle.Â
âhow much?â you ask, pleading to know.
âenough to lose sleep,â he murmurs, âbecause my dreams were plagued with you. i couldnât escape you in waking hours or in slumber. thatâs how much you torment me. take over my body and mind. is that what you needed to hear?â
heâs a linguistâsometimes you forget that. perhaps heâs not so bad at saying what you need to hear, after all.
âmaybe,â you hum, kissing his cheek, nibbling affectionately at the soft flesh, âyou like me that much? how cute.â
âiâll like you a lot more if you stop teasing,â he grunts, pressing his hot, searing erection against your thigh as your thumbs toy away at his nipples. you gasp when you feel him prod at you, feeling the heat even through the fabric that separates you.Â
neither of you are patient enough to do this properly right nowâbut you have plenty of time for that. plenty of time to take it slow, explore each other, and map your bodies in ways you never dared to before. scared to cross that stupid, useless imaginary line you drew for no reason at all. you decide from here on out there are no more linesâjust endless sand, your footprints next to his as you trek the path of lovers.Â
you rub at his hardened cock through his pants, making him grunt before he grabs your hands and pins them over your head.Â
âi said love you,â he says intensely, eyeing you with a carnal hunger youâve never seen in him before, âbut i didnât say iâd be patient tonight.â
with that, his free hand tugs down both of your pantsâhis just enough to free his aching cock, and yours enough to expose your leaking cunt as he teases your clit with the blunt tip of his length. you whimper, bucking your hips into him, feeling the beads of precum spread along your heat as he shudders.Â
âput it in,â you whine, clutching his shirt with tight fists.Â
âyouâreâŚnot ready yet,â he insists, teeth grit as he gives his all to hold himself back from taking you just like you plead.Â
but youâre stubbornâand alhaitham? heâs too weak to you to fight you when you are, doomed to give into any and every whim of yours.
âdonât care,â you shake your head, âdonât care, donât care, donât care. i just want youâplease, please, please haitham.â
thatâs all it takes for him to crackâslowly, so, so carefully, he nudges past your wet folds, inching his throbbing cock into you as you gasp at the stretch. this isnât the first time heâs split you openâbut itâs never something you get used to. the burning stretch still feels as new as the first time. he groans, low and breathless, as your walls clamp down on him as he slowly but surely intrudes into your cunt.Â
âso tight,â he murmurs, voice filled with wonderâlike this is the first time heâs ever felt you so raw. maybe it is. heâs never felt you as his, as yours. âdoes that feel good? do you feel me? what you do to me? and you thought i didnât feel the same? like i didnât purposely let blades slice my skin just for an excuse to come find you? feel your touch, watch you worry? just for a moment of your attention? surely, you canât be so blind.â
his words make your head spin, making you throw it back as a soft escapes you when the last bit of his length slips in, filling you full and to the brim as he nudges at the most sensitive spots inside of you. heâs so deep; you think your lungs are filled with him, like every breath you take is filled with him, him, him.Â
âyes,â you say through a shaky voice, âyesâso good, you feel so good. i want you, haitham. all of you.â
âyou have all of me,â he kisses the words into your neck, âthatâs not enough? you want more?â
âyes,â you plead, âmore!â
he chuckles, smooth and low and so pretty, you feel an ache in your clit from the sound alone. âwell, alright then. more it isâi could never dream of denying such a sweet wish.â
finally, he rolls his hips, all but pulling out completely before pressing back into you, dragging along every ridge of you, nudging his thick tip against the spongey, sensitive at the back of your walls. youâre slack against his door, held up by him and him alone as your body betrays you, unable to keep balance as he fucks into you the way he does.Â
itâs been nine days without you. the way his hips snap so desperately into you, youâd think heâs a man thirsty, gone a year without rain in the deepest, more treacherous ruins in the desert. all you can do is cling to him, repeat the same mantra of haitham, haitham, haithamâmore, please haitham.
he knows your body well. so, so well, he knows exactly how to toy with your clit, thumb finding the sensitive nub, enough pressure to make you whine with a jolt, but not enough to let you fall over the edge just yetânot until he allows it.
âi love you,â he punctuates with a roll of his hips, ârepeat that. so i know you believe it. so i know you believe me.â
âp-please,â you gasp, tugging at his hair, âiâŚi need to c-cumââ
âsay it,â he demands.Â
âyou love meâoh,â you cut yourself off with a sharp breath, his thumb abusing your clit in faster circles.Â
âagain,â he says firmly.
âyou love me,â you whimper, âyouâŚyou love me. only me.â
âgood,â he nods, groaning as you squeeze around him at the praise, âand donât forget it. not for a second.â
âl-love you too,â you stutter, voice cracking as he rolls his hips unforgivingly, the friction making your mind fog with pure lust. âlove you so, so much.â
that makes him inhale sharply, breath catching in his throat. his head falls to your neck, hot breath fanning against your skin as he moans lowly, hips sloppy and ungraceful in their pace but never failing in precision to angle right into your sweet spot. his thumb rolls circles into your clit, fast and desperate to send you over the edge so he can follow.Â
and you doâyou fall off the edge so fast, so hard, your nails dig blunt, raw crescent moons into his skin as you arch your back off the door and cry his name. luckily for alhaitham, his house is built conveniently enough that he has no close neighbors. no one to hear such filthy sounds right against the door for them to witness just by passing by. no one should be at this hourâbut even if they were, you hardly could bring yourself to care.Â
âc-cumming,â you wail, âcumming, haitham.â
âso beautiful,â he kisses the corner of your mouth, voice strained as he chases his own orgasm, âcanâtâŚcanât believe youâre mine. mine.â
itâs like the realization that youâre his is what pushes him past the edge, his cock twitching with hot, thick ropes of cum into your abused cunt and painting the walls white as soon as he repeats the word mine.Â
mine, mine, mineâhe doesnât stop repeating it even as he fucks himself into you and works himself through his high. you can feel the wet, messy trail of his cum and your slick leaking down your thighs, so filthy, so lewd, so devastatingly raw.Â
âyours,â you confirm tiredly, kissing his head as he pants into your neck, muffled moans pressed against your skin as you soothe him while he falls apart against you. âall yours. not going anywhere, i promise. i promise.â
finally, he slumps against you, panting as he tries to catch his breath, sweaty and tired but never unsatisfied.Â
âif you leave me again,â he quietly admits, âi think iâll go mad.â
âthen i wonât,â you say gently, stroking his sweaty locks.Â
âi love you,â he reminds you once more, âdo you believe me?â
âi do,â you nod, smiling like heâs handed you the sun, âand i love you too. do you believe me?â
âi do,â he hums, wrapping himself around you tighter.Â
thereâs a jiggle of the doorknob behind you, followed by an incoherent, slurred string of curses. alhaitham deflates against you, looking up at you tiredly. you throw your head back and laugh, gleeful, and so, so in love.Â
âiâm tired of him,â he grumbles.
âlet him off easy this once,â you brush back his hair, âitâs thanks to him that i came to see you tonight.â
âthen i suppose just this once, i wonât leave him out to freeze,â he relents.Â
you realize for a moment, alhaitham had never drawn the line in the first place. perhaps it was always just you, making rules in your head when all he ever did was want you from the start. he waited so patiently for you, so you cup his cheeks and pull him closer, giving him one more firm kiss as a reward for all you put him through. he pulls away, dazed as he stares at you with unfocused eyes.Â
âiâll give you another like that if you run me a warm bath,â you say cheekily.Â
âdo i get to join this bath,â he raises a brow, eyeing you in amusement as his hands rub soothingly into your hips.Â
you pretend to think for a moment, mockingly tapping your chin in deep thought before you murmur, âokay, fine. but no funny business.â
âi wouldnât dream of itââ
âhello?â kavehâs slurred call interrupts, followed by rough knocking.Â
âhe can freeze,â alhaitham says bitterly.
âdonât you dare!â you gasp, fighting back a laugh as he looks at you miserably.
wellâŚâŚ.what was supposed to be maybe 4-5k words at best hasâŚ..gotten quite out of hand LOL. 14k words later i present to you my official love letter to alhaitham. anyway i suppose this fic stems from sometimes wondering if i would be compatible with the characters i enjoy. but the question is not whether or not youâre compatible, but whether or not youâre willing to put in the work to make compatibility. and alhaitham would certainly do that. anyway!!! i hope you enjoyed. iâm not sure if many peiple will read this, but if you do, reblogs and comments are really appreciated! giving you all a hug and reminding you that your favs would 100% want you <3
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