Why should someone have to go so far as killing themselves for people to start caring about them?

I’m literally going through the worst time of my life at the moment and no matter how hard I try and reach out to people for support or advice or even just friendship and like some lighthearted conversation or whatever, I’m being pushed away. I’m trying really hard to move passed this point in my life but I don’t think I can do it by myself and the more I go through these things the more I realize how much I miss my friends. I have no one to talk to or hang out with and just be a normal 23 year old and it’s destroying me.

I just need to vent for a second.

In November, one of my oldest friends died after a long fight with aggressive cancer. She was my support for many years through school and losing her the way it happened really fucked with me and I still can’t help but cry when I think of her. I miss her, she didn’t deserve that pain and I would give anything and everything to switch places with her so she could have more time with her daughter and family.

A month later, my Uncle Lawrence passed in his sleep completely out of no where. A week before Christmas. It’s really messed with my family and it’s something we’re still dealing with now. Then in May, two days before my mum’s birthday, we had it happen again to another uncle. Completely out of no where, my Uncle Attila passed in his sleep for no apparent reason. This has completely ruined my family. We don’t know why this is happening. I don’t really even know how to explain it. It’s just so fucked up.

My dad has also been diagnosed with severe emphysema, something that he is struggling very hard to accept and is obviously affecting all of us. I’m not going to go into detail.

And after 3 and a half years of surgeries, procedures, medications and misdiagnosis, I’ve been diagnosed with a thing called Gastroparesis. Which basically means my stomach nerves and muscles are (partcially) paralysed and don’t move to digest my food so it just sits there and that’s why I get so sick all the time. It’s not curable. There are meds to trial to see if symptoms go down but yeah. Basically I’m stuck like this and could end up with a feeding tube inserted if it gets any worse. So pretty much I feel nauseous if I don’t eat and get super sick and feel like I’ve eaten ten dinners if I eat even just a little bit.

Thats everything up till now. I’m sorry for the word vomit but I just really had to let that all out. I very much doubt anyone will have the time to read any of this. But I’m gonna try start using this as like a journal again or something. Idk. Bye.

I'm never going to stop trying, I love you more than you will ever understand. I'm not going to give up. I just want my best friend back.

The one person that promised never to leave my side has but boy, you best believe I'll never stop believing in you.

LA, you look good in this light (at Ace Hotel Los Angeles)

Carrie Mae Weems, “Untitled (Phone),” 1990, black-and-white photograph, silver print.

Sugar and Spice - Francine McDougall (2001)

2017, already proving there's not a drop of loyalty left in friendship.

I've never felt so unattractive and undesirable in my life.