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dreqmchic · 2 days

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karina ❤︎ smcu palace @ jakarta bts (231217)

#☆ﾟ give me more ↳ hana ◝

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dreqmchic · 8 days

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𖥔 ࣪ ᥫ᭡ꗃ⋆࣪. I KNOW IT’S OVER … A JOO HANA STORY

FEATURED. JOO HANA, MICKEY MOON

SUMMARY. in which hana knows it’s over but it won’t die.

WARNINGS. very heavy piece, sexual assault trauma, ptsd symptoms, angst, there is no sexual assault explicitly described but it is heavily implied and a prevalent theme in this piece, please mind the tags !

NOTES. another reupload ! hope y’all enjoy <3

Hana finds herself hiding a lot now. She doesn’t want to take up too much space. She doesn’t want people to see her the way she feels. She talks less because she’s not sure if she even wants to be heard. She does less because she doesn’t know what she’s doing anymore.

She feels alone because she has no one.

She wants to be held but she doesn’t want to be touched. She wants so much but at the same time she wants nothing at all—nothing at all except to curl up into a ball and die. She wants to be nothing at all.

Hana sits in her bed in a crisscross position. In her lap sits a notepad and in her hand is a pen. There’s nothing that she wants to think about in between her ears, just the blaring of the music coming from her earphones. She scribbles words onto the paper, repeating over and over: ‘I DON’T KNOW,’ written with reckless abandon. She thought that if she wrote what she felt instead of trying to say it she would feel better. Turns out she couldn’t put her feelings into writing, either.

How can you feel better when you don’t know the root of the problem? How can you understand what’s wrong with you when you don’t know where to begin?

She couldn’t get in touch with any of her emotions so another one began to form over time: Rage. Pure and unadulterated rage. She can feel its hands claw at her skin and peel it off. She can feel it’s tight hold on her heart, weighing it down by tons. She feels it sinking like a ship at sea on a stormy night. Her heart was stuck in this place, stuck in a moment in time that it couldn’t move past.

And she tried to make her heart move on but everything—everyone always took her back to this place. Why didn’t it ever fade it into a distant memory? Why was it always happening? Again and again. She’s done feeling it, she shouldn’t have to feel it anymore.

‘It’s over,’ she tells herself. She covers her ears and closes her eyes, shrinking into herself. ‘It’s over,’ she repeats.

It’s over. It’s over. It’s over.

A knock on the door startles her. Her breathing speeds up and heart beats violently in her chest. She can feel it in her throat, her heartbeat.

“Hana?” A voice is soft on the other side of the door.

Hana says nothing. She doesn’t want the company, but she knows she can do nothing to control it anyway. Much like most of the things in her life; completely out of her control.

The door opens slowly, revealing Mickey’s figure. She steps in, closing the door gently behind her. She studies the girl, taking in her image. She doesn’t know what to say to Hana anymore. She can see that Hana’s hurting but she feels like she can't do anything to fix it. She didn’t know how to help.

“Hey, we just ordered some donuts,” she informs. “It’s your favorite. Krispy Kreme.”

Krispy Kreme was her favorite. She loved glazed donuts, especially warmed up with a glass of cold milk. Homemade meals were comfort foods for everyone else but for Hana, the only food that could bring her comfort was the mellowness of a soft, warm donut in the pit of her empty stomach.

Hana nods, quickly looking up at her and then back into her lap.

“We were…” Mickey starts but her voice falters for some reason. Hana takes her earbuds out of her ears, cradling them in the palms of her hands. “We were just about to put on a movie.”

She nods again.

“It seems like a Disney day. We were thinking ‘Aladdin.’”

Mickey is making this interaction more painful than it has to be. For both of them. She knows that Hana won’t say anything. But she still tries. Everyone thinks it’s useless for her to keep trying, but Mickey is tireless. She would never be able to forgive herself if she just ‘stopped trying.’

“You’ve picked up a little artistry here, huh?” Mickey jests. “What’ve you been writing?”

She not-so-sneakily takes a peek at her paper, eyeing the words written down. Her hopeful smile is replaced with one of sympathy. Her eyes wear a concerned look, feeling wet almost immediately.

“Listen. Hana, if you ever need to talk…um, I’m right next door,” Mickey says.

“My door is always open.”

Hana flashes a tight-lipped smile at her. She nods. The doors are open but is she ready to go through them? Will she ever be ready? If she walks through those doors, that means she’ll have to talk about it. And talking about it—actually talking about it with someone who isn’t the blurred version of her in her head would make it more real than she felt it had to be.

All this time she’d been able to pretend, even if just for a moment, that the girl he did that to wasn’t her. She was able to disassociate herself from that person.

She looks up at Mickey and nods once again.

“I know.”

Mickey grins at her.

“If you need something let me know,” she reminds before heading back to the door and exiting, gently shutting the door behind her.

Hana’s eyes shift across her room as the girl leaves. They land on a picture sitting atop her bedside table. It’s a picture of her and Zhiruo, displayed in a pale yellow frame. She looks at old pictures of herself and can’t even recognize her. She has no recollection of who that girl is, for all she knows she’s never seen her a day in her life.

She has no memory of when she was that okay. She has no memory of anything that happened before it happened. All she knows it’s that it’s over and that’s all she keeps telling herself.

Hana covers her ears and closes her eyes, shrinking into herself. ‘It’s over,’ she repeats.

It’s over. It’s over. It’s over.

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dreqmchic · 9 days

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𖥔 ࣪ ᥫ᭡ꗃ⋆࣪. I KNOW WHAT HAPPENED THAT NIGHT … A JOO HANA STORY

SUMMARY. in which hana isn’t entirely sure what happened that night, and she’s not sure she wants to recall.

FEATURED. joo hana, jaxon park

WARNINGS. sexual assault, this piece is extremely heavy, so i’d advise against continuing past the read more if this topic is too triggering for you. take care of yourself and i’ll see you in the next piece! 🩵

NOTES. hi! yes this is a repost…i recently made a psa saying that everything i wrote about hana before the revamp is still canon and this is one of the pieces from then, so i’ll be updating until we’re caught up with the CURRENT plot !

Hana doesn’t know how she ended up here, on a tour bus with some indie band she barely even knew. All she knows is that her manager is friends with them and that they seem to have taken a liking to her when they met at the bar. She was there for a drink with Mickey who told her not to come with these guys. However, Hana was a free spirit and it was hard to change her mind once it’s been made.

“So you guys really tour around and stuff?” Hana asked in awe, her mouth agape as she picked up each of their records, examining them.

The leader of the band, Jaxon, nodded, looking back at the girl for a split second before returning his attention back to the road.

“That’s really cool,” Hana smiled. “You know, we didn’t get to go on tour yet. I can’t wait until we do, it’ll be, like, so cool,” she raves.

She really can’t wait for her and the group to start holding concerts. Ever since she became a trainee, she wished to perform for a pool of people that adore her. She wants to be adored. She wants to become the thing she looked up to the most when she was younger. She wants to make her teen years worth it and her younger self proud.

“Your band name...it sounds really hardcore. You sure you’re not a heavy metal band?” Hana questions, receiving nothing but a chuckle from the drummer beside her.

“Kid, you ask a lot of questions,” Jaxon says. His voice is husky and that appeals to Hana. She always appeals to these types of guys. They’re always mysterious, bad boys that you shouldn’t trust but Hana always does.

“I’m sorry, am I bothering you?” She genuinely apologizes.

“No, I like the curious kind.” And curious she was. She was the type of curious that would get her into all types of trouble that she could’ve avoided if she simply minded her business.

“I’m glad,” she bats her eyelashes, blushing ever-so-slightly.

One hand still on the wheel, the other snaking into Hana’s lap, caressing her thigh. She gets a weird feeling in her tummy from that. It makes her flinch a bit but she tries to ease under his touch. For some reason she trusts him even though she knows she shouldn’t. She always goes for the bad boys. The ones like these who probably have a gaggle of girls waiting for him when he gets back home but she just happens to be the one he chooses to be his main. It makes her feel special.

Jaxon leans forward a bit, turning the volume of the radio up and returning it to its spot on Hana’s leg.

“You’re really pretty, y’know that, right?” He says, the bus now coming to a halt in a forest that bores a violently dark shade of green. She hadn’t even realized where they had been going. The thrill had blinded her and his words fogged her mind.

The outliers of her heart fluttered, much like the faint tint of pink blooming in her cheeks. She feels nervous in a strange way. She can feel pressure weighing down on her heart. She hears her own heartbeat and it makes her wonder if they can hear it too. It makes her all the more nervous.

“Thank you,” she shyly replies, looking into her hands that pull at one another. It’s one of her many habits.

Jaxon seemingly gets closer to her face, his breath tickling her cheek with every inch he ventured. Though dark, she discovered every facial feature of his that she wasn’t able to see before. He grins as his hand reaches to the side of her face and cups it and Hana gains the want to move backward. The grip of his fists, however, allows her no room for opposition.

He kisses her lips in an odd fashion before leaning back in and kissing them in a way that feels as if it would leave bruises. Hana winces. The air is simultaneously getting thinner and thicker in a miraculous way and it makes her feel nauseous.

Jaxon’s arms go to her waist and pull her with might into his lap. His hands roam on their own account and things move too fast for Hana. She was panicking and her heart was racing. Frankly, she was scared to say no but she wanted to. She really did.

She pulls away, “Jaxon—” he cuts her off by forcing their lips to meet again. She feels his hands move, picking at her body through and under clothes. She knows that she tells him to stop but he doesn’t. His hands continue to roam and her throat lets out a pitiful shriek and her vision goes a blur.

Everything is blurred when bad things happen to Hana. It’s a reactive response she’s adopted. She usually represses bad memories, letting them fade into the background until one random day in the distant future she remembers it and shrugs it off without care. But this — this was different. This wasn’t just a memory nor something that could ever be repressed. This was something that she simply couldn’t forget and she hated that.

It’s almost like no matter how hard she tried she couldn’t think of anything else. There were no distractions big enough to mask what just happened. There was nothing that could ever make her not recall every moment, play by play, that just went down.

It’s dark and cold and her face is stained with tears and melted makeup. She tried to look pretty today but left a disheveled mess. She feels dirty.

The walk back home is silent save for small cries that slipped through.

She fumbles with her house keys before finally retrieving them from her bag and opening the door. The air is cold when it hits her skin. The air conditioner never got turned off before all the girls went to bed. There’s no noise, nothing save for the blow from the AC. Nobody’s TV is playing, nobody left over sleeping on the couch because they accidentally fell asleep there. It’s like on this specific night, everything is different.

She locks the door behind her.

Hana pulls her shoes off one by one and they drop to the floor, each making a thud when they reach the glossy wooden surface.

She doesn’t bother taking her clothes off or her makeup off. She just goes straight to the second room across the hall. Her body looks lifeless as she plops herself onto the bed and her eyes look empty as though they haven’t a thought behind them. But yet, a single tear slips out as she lies behind the shorter girl.

“Hana?” Mickey turns over slightly to look at her, still half asleep.

Hana says nothing and just buries her face into Mickey’s back. Mickey’s eyes open wider and she flips over on her back to get a better look at her. Hana closes her eyes tightly and winces when she feels Mickey’s gaze fall over her. She doesn’t say anything.

“Hana, are you okay?” Her voice is still thick with sleep but laced with concern.

Hana says nothing again. She nods softly and gets under the thick blanket. Mickey scoots forward so that she can get under the blanket more.

Mickey faces the girl, then getting closer and wrapping her arms around her. Hana buries her face into her chest and they lay there for the rest of the night. They don’t say anything, just both wondering about the same thing.

What happened to Hana that night?

#icymi <3 #before i post the next installment maybe today!

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