Talent - that word has got me thinking a lot lately.

Whether we should work on something that gives us joy even though we have limited talent in it; or to let go of something that we’re immensely talented in but gives us pain; or even to wander around life, trying out things one by one till you find something you’re naturally talented at and praying that it will also give you happiness once you eventually find it. And all this thought processes and philosophical thinking is brought about by a kdrama that I finished recently HAHA.

I recently finished Do You Like Brahms? In record time (I broke my 1 ep a day rule so many times) and I absolutely loved it. It was a story about 4 young musicians as they head into their 30s and how they handle opening and closing some chapters in their professional and personal lives. It’s a melodrama - if you ask me 3 years ago if I’m a melodrama fan I would have said hell no, but look where we are now 😅. I especially find it resonating to me because a) I’m also quickly approaching my 30s (gasp) and questioning myself often what do I want out of this life and what do I want to do to achieve it and b) I’m also learning a musical instrument (ie. piano) but obviously not at the professional level that they are at. I also loved how the two leads in the show are introverts and they find their own way to each other and love deeply but quietly. That is my ideal love life tbh. The show has similar elements as to When The Weather is Fine (another underrated show that I loved so so much) which is probably why I loved it a lot. The 4 main characters also grapple with how to let go of certain things in their life as they end their 20s which is something that I am going through, but on a much minor scale. Each ep was named after a musical term (eg. Crescendo, poco a poco) and it reflected the tone of the episode (it’s little details like this that gets to me 🥲.

On a related note, another thing or actually person that got me feeling so motivated (and also all fangirl-y inside) is the male lead Kim Min Jae. I’ve seen him in other shows before (Nurse Park ily) and always liked his acting but his performance in this one truly impressed me. And he’s so underrated! He’s getting some buzz now in his current show (*adds Dali and the Cocky Prince to my list*) and I hope he will finally get the mainstream recognition that he deserves. Anyway, why I’m so hyped about him now is because not only does he bring his A-game in terms of acting to the show, but he also plays the piano really well, full of emotion. His musical performances - actually all the musical performances - in the show were amazing and shot really well to portray the emotion intended in the scene. And I also recently found out he can sing, rap and dance as well. Damn it boys who are so well-rounded that don’t exist in my life hahaha. He gives me a lot of motivation to continue to do the work I do and to make my own little path in this world. If he can do it, surely I can too right in my own way? 🔥

Hello online Cerebro! Writing here again cos I’ve recently felt like blogging online again. What’s new am I right? I always toggle between writing physically and writing my thoughts online - this used to give me such a headache because why can’t I just stick to one form of medium? But now, I’ve (largely) made my peace with it. As long as my thoughts are logged somewhere, I should be happy.

Anyway, since I’ve last written, I’m already in my new posting and have settled in quite well! The new place is something that I’ve been wanting to try since I started my working life, dealing with direct comms but without the added pressure of being in a front-facing agency (I still think I won’t be able to cope mentally with the fast pace). So far, I’ve been given opportunities to develop my skills and I hope I have been able to deliver on what’s expected of me. The only thing that I wish is that I’m in office more often but with the current state of things, we’re still alternating between WFH and office (leaning more towards WFH though). I’ve bought so many cute things which would be perfect for my office cubicle but so sayang thatI’ve not been able to use them as much. I hope the pandemic situation gets better, locally and also globally.

One of the cute things that I’ve bought is this Logitech keyboard - it’s portable and a nice shade of pink! I originally intend for it to be my office keyboard but sadly, I realise that Bluetooth keyboards don’t work with the office laptop due to security settings. Somehow, it also can’t work with my personal laptop so I’m in the midst of trying to resolve that by looking it up online. But, it does work on my iPad which is where I’m typing this post from! So far it works quite well :)

We’re closing in on the last quarter of the year but tbh this year flew by really fast. Even faster than last year, now that I think about it. There’s still much I want to achieve this year but writing for leisure is at the top of my list. I’m hoping to put in some time on that next week when I’m on leave since I’ve not much plans lined up. I need to get over my fear of not writing well the first time round, cos no one can ever achieve a perfect draft, much less a perfect first draft. I can do thisssss. Wish me luck!

P.S. I hope to write in more often! Even though the posts would just be streams of consciousness 😜

Moving on.

Writing this in my last two weeks at my current posting! I can safely say that I am truly in handover mode now; I’m only left with my daily duties and wrapping up some loose ends which I plan to get to slowly over the next 10 working days. 

Hopefully nothing unexpected comes and I need to do last-minute work again >.< Already got roped in to two events last-min in the past two weeks where I had to crunch out two short videos and I do not want to go through it again. Though it did give me a chance to have two farewell lunches with my favourite colleague and we really outdid ourselves with the last lunch; having it at a fine dining restaurant in SBG (the price was extravagant as well but homg that salmon was to-die-for). 

My current posting actually got extended by two weeks because the replacement officer coming in can’t leave her workplace till two weeks later. It’s all a case of merry-go-round where one officer can’t leave her existing workplace due to workplace commitments and it all trickle down to other officers in the posting cycle. Pfft. 

But it’s okay. I think I’ve learnt a lot from my current workplace - most importantly how having professional colleagues and people who you get along with is really important in an office. The workload was intense but what made it all surmountable was knowing that I had the support of my colleagues and sups to face it together. Cheesy, I know but it was really true. I’d also like to think that I’ve grown in this place? Becoming a little less shy, becoming more flexible and adaptable to meet work demands. 

I hope my new workplace would be as nice and maybe less exhausting. I need a breather from being contactable 24/7, when everything seems like an emergency. May be asking for much since it’s still in the comms line, but one can only hope! 

Wish me luck. 

Piano.

Promised a post about my recent new hobby and here it is! 

For the longest time, I’ve wanted to play the piano, at least master it to the point that I can play modern songs (ahem, kpop covers). I’ve had this interest to learn as far back as early primary school I think but money was a bit tight then and everything seemed to be spent on my brother pfft. 

Putting that resentment aside cos now it doesn’t matter since I’m a working adult, I have signed up for classes with a private tutor! I started in November so it’s been about 3 months now. And I am still loving it which is a good sign heh. I’m still working towards getting Grade 1 but it’s been honestly a joy to work on piano lessons each week and practicing on my own when I can during the other days. Even though sometimes it gets frustrating cos I’m progressing to learning to play both hands now and my hands. just. won’t. cooperate. HAHAHA. 

But I guess the main reason why I love it is because it helps me prioritise what matters most and helps me feel less overwhelmed with work and other life stress. It also helps that playing the piano is relatively simpler than work and I know that if I put the practice in, I could play the song smoothly. 

It’s honestly been a great boost to my mental health. Sometimes work still gets overwhelming but I feel really at peace when playing the keys of my piano. Do what makes you feel better, I guess :) 

Drained.

It’s been some three weeks since I last wrote and although I wanted to write in much sooner as writing is truly a catharsis process for me, I just couldn’t find the time. Now, I know what you must be thinking; “If you really value writing, you will make time for it.” Well, for me that is not true. Sometimes life or work really overwhelms you and you just don’t have the energy to write even though you know writing it all out will make you feel better. 

I’m not sure if it’s cos I’m growing older or I’ve had some years of working experience in me, but lately I’ve been feeling pretty demotivated at work. It doesn’t help that there is now a 1000 and 1 things expected of our already very lean team and there are bottlenecks in the work process which are totally out of our control. Maybe I’m also just valuing work-life balance more because in the long run, I don’t think it’s sustainable or healthy to work such long work hours or be expected to answer work texts even though it’s really late at night or early in the morning. I feel my anxiety spiking up every time a work message coming in. And it’s definitely not healthy that one of the main reasons I got an Apple Watch was so that I won’t miss any work messages while my phone is charging right  😰

So now yes, I’m looking forward to a change of environment and to see whether comms work suits me. Consider it my last try at comms, or at least high-level comms. After that, if it doesn’t suit me, I will find a new job, perhaps in a related field, perhaps not. I used to feel so afraid of changing jobs or switching to a completely new field because I just didn’t want to go thru the trauma of job searching after my graduation again. But now, for the sake of my mental health, I don’t see switching jobs as a weakness. It’s not giving up. It’s treating myself right. I do deserve a better work-life balance. I do deserve to have whole weekends to myself and not worry about work.  

Sometimes I feel sorry for myself for not realising this sooner but it’s okay that I’m realising now. Rather than treating myself this way till I retire, it is good that I realise it now and not spend the rest of my life in regret. I’ve met some really great colleagues in my line of work and I really look up to them on how they can last this long without burning out but it’s okay that I don’t feel the same. It’s okay for me to give up and move on. That should be a lesson that is taught more in schools/society. 

Okay this has been one long brain rant and to those that managed to read this far, thank you. It’s a bit of a more depressing post but hopefully my next post will be more cheerful / back to the usual recaps! The CNY break is coming soon and I will find the time to write in here 😊

Change.

Here’s the story of how I went from not wanting to move out of my current job at work to actually somewhat really looking forward to a new change of place and jobscope. Life is strange sometimes. 

Up till early last week, I was pretty insistent with my bosses (and my colleagues) that I want to stay in my current workplace for another year. Reason being, we had changes to senior management but also director changes and given that it is COVID times now where digital comms looks like it’s staying for the long while, I thought there are still things for me to learn here for another year (how to deliver your messages to your targeted audience in this new normal etc etc). Another reason I had was something more personal and to do with my family’s health and the stress that comes along with coping with that. I told my sup all this of course but she didn’t seem keen on it for some reason. She said she’ll talk to my other boss about it. That was a while ago so I thought “oh okay they’re letting me stay on then”. But then, dun dun dun. Last week happened and she said they’ve discussed and believed that it would be in my best interest to be put up for posting. I understood where she was coming from since I did mention I was looking to seek someplace where it’s a bit more creative and a lot more writing (even if it is for work) so yes, I do get that in the long run, it’s better for me to move. But what made me wary was that she kept on saying that the workload at my current workplace is changing a lot and she’s not sure if it would be good for me to stay on. I didn’t think much about it at the time but now I’m not sure what big plans they have for my current team. Maybe it is indeed a blessing in disguise for me to move on now and be in someplace new, before this old workplace that I’ve grown to really like changes to something that I can’t recognise anymore. 

I think it took me like a whole afternoon to get over the shock that I am indeed moving to someplace else in three months. After that, I was pretty much okay and getting into the mindset that I need to reach out to agencies again. I guess I made my peace with it because I already presented all my reasons (which are pretty solid) to my bosses and if they still think it is time for me to move on then sure, okay. At least I put forth my best effort. 

So yes, it is now currently the interactions period where I have to reach out to available agencies if they want to have a chat and whether there is a mutual match. It is all so painful, anxiety-inducing and I honestly feel like throwing up every time I sent out a “hello” email and talking to other agencies about the posting. I hate this part of my job the most but I guess like J says “sian now enjoy later”. So yes, please pray for me that the interviews all go okay this month and that I get a posting that I like! (praying for a more creative role pls)

I hope when I update again on this later (probably mid-March when the results are out since my first day at my new posting is on 1 April), my anxiousness is gone and I can enjoy my time in the new job :) 

Reflection.

So here is my reflection post for 2020. I’m sure I’m not the first one to say this cos COVID was a major pain in everyone’s asses but yes, 2020 was a hectic and unpredictable year. 

Work: Not only did I have to adapt to a new work routine (it’s now 10 months into this WFH arrangement and I have a love-hate relationship with it), but I also had to handle with the fallout of the pandemic since our MB (Major Boss) was placed in charge of the response team. To make things even more fun, GE was added to the mix. This is my first time working in the civil service during a GE and I can say I have survived haha. It was an intense 2-week period, with me waking up at odd hours of the night and day to come up with coverage reports together with my colleagues. I wished we could have spent days in the office together as that would have made things less lonely but at least I felt encouraged by their warm messages every now and then. I also had to handle a period of 4 months when my colleague went on ML and that felt even more strenuous to me than GE and COVID, I feel. Maybe because it was for a long stretch of time when we were understaffed; at least during the peak of COVID and GE we could always count on covering one another. I also did a lot more translation work and the tight deadlines sometimes made me want to rip my hair off lol. But I would like to think that I have grown from the experience. And then, there were both senior management and director changes. Senior management changes was bearable but I was very sad to see one of the best bosses I’ve worked with move on to another portfolio. I hope we do cross paths again one day. 

Okay now that I’ve written it all down; a lot of work-related things did happen in 2020. How did I survive all that without taking an overseas holiday? As J would say, my PB pay in March/April will definitely reflect my hard work the past year heh. 

Personal: Hmm, I’m not sure if I’ve grown much personally in the past year. I always think that life is a marathon and your growth shouldn’t be measured by bouts of time but by seeing the bigger picture (if you get what I mean). I think I have learned to be a bit more mellow, to let things flow where they go as long as I have put in my best effort. It’s still hard sometimes as I tend to treat myself more harshly than I do with my friends or family, but ever since the new iOS update came out and I placed Kim Seokjin’s quote on my homescreen, I feel more comforted every time I look at it and remind myself to take it slow and go at my own pace. 

The customisation of widgets took me 7 hours according to Screen Time >.< 

Oddly, thanks to COVID and CB, I’ve become closer to my friends as we hang out more often (virtually) - almost every weekend at one point! I think we were all feeling the stress of staying at home 24/7. Also D is back in SG now! We all had a lot of fun watching Netflix shows together and playing online games (including virtual escape rooms which I love!) I’m glad that COVID gave me this silver lining - to reconnect with past friends and know who to rely on when times get tough. 

I think I’ve also grown spritually this year? Since I was mostly WFH last year, I am so thankful that I managed to do my prayers on time each day and having time at all to just sit down and talk to God. I’m not the most spiritual/religious person but I loved having these dedicated small pockets of time where it’s just me and my Creator. Subhanallah, the many mercies of our daily solat. I hope this is a turning point for me spritually; please make many duas for me :) 

I’ve also dabbled more in writing and personal fitness last year, especially during the circuit breaker months. As much as I love the written word, I’ve never really taken it seriously - maybe because I felt like I could never measure up to all the great works of literature that I’ve enjoyed over the years. But this year, I tried writing short prompts (thanks to Skillshare haha) and I was surprised with how much fun I had writing it! They’re not any good and I don’t know if I will publish them on the internet someday but I just liked nursing this little flame of writing passion I have with no expectations whatsoever. Hopefully I could do more writing sessions during my spare time and cafe days! On the personal fitness front, I felt myself getting more sedentary during CB, since my usual form of fitness (hour-long commutes to and fro work) were suddenly gone. I also felt more restless being cooped up at home. So I did my daily steps! I relied on my Xiaomi fitness tracker and did indoor walking while I was watching a show so that I feel more “productive” LOL. But then my tracker died (it just would not charge anymore?) so I took the opportunity to upgrade to an Apple Watch as a birthday present to myself! It was so expensive but also very much worth it (the Apple Store in MBS is also such a beaut). I’ve had it for close to a month now and loving it very much; it makes me want to be more active and close my Move, Exercise and Stand rings each day heh. I also synchronise it with my phone so that Telegram and Whatsapp messages come through too and now I don’t feel worried about missing an important work text while my phone is charging lol. 

But one of the main highlights of 2020 is definitely working on achieving some of my childhood dreams. I finally signed up for piano classes with a private tutor! I was always semi-bitter that I didn’t get to do the things I want when I was a child (partly due to money being tight at home but also because that same money went to my brother’s hobbies urgh). Now that I’m a working adult, I’m gonna be independent and work on achieving my own dreams. I will probably write about my piano learning experience (thus far) in a separate blog post so I won’t go into too much detail here but I just want to say that I am loving it very much so far and it gives me so much joy <3 

...and that’s it! What a lengthy wrap-up haha. Hope you’re not dozing off at the end of this post. 

I’m looking forward to what 2021 will bring. Whether good or bad, I pray I have the strength to see through it all. 

Yume.

I originally wanted to do a recap of 2020 / my dreams for 2021 kind of post today but I woke up this morning with the weirdest but also calming dream? I’m quite a light sleeper - I usually wake up 2 to 3 times in the night for a short amount of time, usually just to check what time is it and then I’ll head back to sleep. But for the past 2 nights I’ve been able to sleep throughout until I naturally woke up about 5.30ish right before my alarm (I swear my body clock likes doing this for fun ugh). 

But this morning, I woke up feeling very calm and even somewhat happy? I’m trying to recall the details of the dream but some of them are a bit fuzzy. All I remember is that the I Spy gang was in Dan’s new place but there was this new-guy-that-didn’t-feel-new-he-felt-very-familiar guy joining us too. I can’t remember what he looks like now. All I know was that somehow the two of us were by ourselves in a lobby / lounge area and I found myself telling all my life’s stories and heartbreaks to him. I remember it was quite difficult to start telling anything but once I managed to overcome that, the words were like a flowing river coming out of me and I couldn’t stop even if I wanted to. Again, I can’t remember what was this guy’s reaction but I remember feeling comforted and relieved that I’m not the only one holding on to my pain anymore. And then I woke up. 

I don’t know what my dream meant. If I am being honest with myself, I think it’s a sign that my unconscious mind may be telling me? Like it’s time to make peace with the past and to let go of the hurt that is hurting me? ....easier said than done though. 

I am just happy that I am able to feel happy after a good night’s sleep and that my worries, however temporary, were eased for a moment. If anything, I’m just glad that that unfamiliar-but-very-familiar guy was there to be a shoulder for me to rest on even if it’s only just a dream. 

2021.

Hello! I have finally found the password for this account, hence why I am writing here again. 

As always, I go back and forth between wanting to keep things very private to myself and opting to just journal in a physical notebook but there are also bouts of time when I want to keep things on a digital platform where it’s so convenient to look back and read my past thoughts. 

I have to admit, what made me jump on Team Digital right now is words from a dear friend who wanted to know what I’m thinking about and even assuming that I have a wider/deeper perspective on things. This is after I commented wanting to read his blog posts haha. The first thing that came across my mind was “Who, me? Deep thoughts?”. I don’t think I’m a particularly deep kind of person; I do like to plan ahead but am also easygoing enough to let things flow on their own if they don’t work out (at least this is how I see myself haha). 

So, yes. I guess I’m back on here now :) It’s the start of the new year so I hope I can continue my digital journalling habit throughout 2021. 

Happy New Year! I’ll see you soon. 

December!

It’s December! Aka my favourite month of the year. Mostly because it’s my birthday month (I always don’t get people who don’t like to celebrate their birthday cos they feel like they’re older now. I mean that’s most of the excitement! You made one full revolution around the sun, you’re (hopefully) more mature and wiser now and there’s still so much ahead of you) but also because it’s the year-end and I feel like everyone is more mellow towards the end of the year. 

Work-wise, it’s still been pretty hectic. Had my SAR, an informal chat with my boss (which was quite awkward huuuu) and wrapping things up before the start of the new year. There’s still a few events and matters under me but I hope to finish them as soon as I can. 

What’s making the year-end even better is because I have a trip coming up! Honestly, I think I’m facing a burnout at work and I realised why. I haven’t really gone on leave/on holiday since I started work at this new place in April. And with how fast work goes in this place, it’s no wonder that I am feeling tired. And so I am very much looking forward to my Seoul trip even though it would be crazilyyy cold. Was supposed to go to HK instead where the weather is much milder but then the protests happened and turned quite violent last month so we made changes to go to Seoul instead since that was the next most affordable place to go. 

Really looking forward to it; I am anticipating all the times I’ll just nua at a cafe and sketch (on my new iPad!) or read on my Kindle :) 

OLG wedding.

My uncle’s wedding was yesterday but it also unexpectedly turned into a free fanmeeting session for me and my family yesterday as the OLG crew came down for the majlis as well! 

Some context here: my mom actually contacted Razie on FB inviting him and the rest of the OLG folks to come down for the majlis if they were free on that day. He replied that insyallah he would come down. I had pretty low expectations that they would come seeing that they’re busy people and we’re just normal listeners of their podcast show on Spotify. But boy....

They turned up! And they were so nice and personable too. I mean when they first gave salam to my nenek’s house I was so shocked to see them right out the door and I think I literally jumped a few feet in the air. They chatted mostly to my uncle and my mom cos I was still segan2 malu hahaha and only peeked and talked with them a bit. 

But my fave of the trio, Dyn was really the nicest. He came in to tumpang toilet and while waiting he sat down next to me and chatted for a bit on small talk. I think he sensed that I was being shy and awkward (but I did tell him he has the suara malaikat and trying to keep it low-key that I was fangirling) cos when we finished taking group photos with my uncle and family, he suddenly called me over and said “Come, come. Just photos with us.” 

OMGGGGG. At first I was like “huh really?” and wanted my mom in the photo too but in the end it was just me hehehe. I was internally fangirling but also very thankful that he asked first cos I would have been too shy to have made the first move. We took photos and then boomerangs and it was a total dream come true! My sister said I looked over the moon and yep, I definitely was hahaha.

Thank you for coming down, bloods! (I would have also shown the boomerang we took here but Tumblr is annoying cos they don’t allow native videos sigh). 

I might say this whole incident is a metaphor for life in general; things get broken, and sometimes they get repaired, and in most cases, you realise that no matter what gets damaged, life rearranges itself to compensate for your loss, sometimes wonderfully.

A Little Life, Hanya Yanagihara

Tong kosong.

I’m currently on a month-long course (yay mini break from work) and we recently changed groups to know more people during the course. We had quite a bit of groupwork too as we learn about data and statistics (help me) and I was so annoyed in the morning, it was on a whole ‘nother level.

Ever had a group mate that is the literal definition of tong kosong? She talked a whole lot, cutting into people’s words (and subsequently making them lose their trains of thought) but not actually adding anything of worth to the discussion or the assignment that we were supposed to work on. To add the cherry on top, she doesn’t get the hint either when some of us openly said to her, “Can you calm down? I think we need to focus on what we need to do.” HOMG GAISE. How do you deal with these people!

I’m trying to see the good side of her and giving the benefit of the doubt but oh wow I think she’s a hopeless case. She’s done this multiple times over the past few days that I feel like tearing my hair out. How ironic that as a comms person you’re not really listening well hurhur.

I still have one more full day with this group, pls send your well wishes to me so that I can survive the day.

Missing.

What do you do when you’re missing something, or someone, so badly in the middle of the night? When it feels like this sad black feeling both looms over you and is clawing at you from within? I’m currently feeling that way and some may say it’s pathetic when they know that I’m actually missing SHINee Jonghyun. What does a kpop star who’s gone from this world know about me anyway? But that doesn’t stop me from crying over him from time to time - whether it’s over what a tragedy and a life that’s gone too soon or I’m just feeling down and need an outlet to cry. I wished you could have seen the love that was always around you, Jonghyun. You were so loved and treasured but I know that it’s hard to see sometimes especially when your brain just refuses to work with you and help you out. I hoped you left this world without pain, after suffering for so long and alone. You did a good job. Please rest easy, now.

A happy return.

I’m back on this platform! As always, I’ve forgotten what my previous tumblr site was but I’m starting fresh again with this one. I’m very happy to start blogging again and looking forward to have fun writing about my adventures (no matter how mundane it may be lol) again. Perhaps I’ll even start writing fiction. 

So some basic facts about me as I introduce myself. I’m a twenty-something year old young lady on this Earth, still figuring out life even though it seems that all is going fine and dandy. They say your 20s are the most confusing of your years and well, I hope that is true cos I know I am confused. I’m not really sure what I want really - what I want in this life, what I want to achieve in my work life and what I want long-term. But I guess that’s what life is partly about. Figuring things out and hoping in your heart of hearts that what you’re doing is right. 

If you want to, come on this journey with me as I go and create my own path.